How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 34

Holy Crap. LOTS of stuff going on here….so much so this chapter actually took me a few days to write because I had to keep stopping to think what I wanted to do, say, and how to say it.

Overall, the chapter has two main points:

1) Explain why the hell Blythe just doesn’t take out a gun and shoot Slade while he’s sleeping. Remember Austin Powers? Scott asks Dr. Evil why he doesn’t just shoot Austin and call it a day. And Dr. Evil responds that he’s just going to leave Austin in an easily escapable predicament with one inept guard.

I didn’t want to go that “incompetent villain” route. Blythe is smart. So I went with the “oppressed employee” route.

Have you ever had a boss that practically made you hop on one foot, chew bubble gum, yodel, do breakdance moves, jumping jacks and climb Mt. Everest at the same time and act like it is all perfectly reasonable?

And there’s a part of you that just wants to explain to the boss that if you could do my job for 5 minutes, you’d see why your request is not a good idea?

But you don’t because you don’t want to be fired.

That’s basically what’s happening here. The board, made up of pampered vampires who don’t do much to get their uh…fangs…dirty…put out all these edicts for Blythe to follow.

The board wanted Joe to suffer so as to scare their werewolf lackeys into submission. Blythe was against that, having advised to kill him outright, lest he become a problem and sure enough, he is now a problem.

They also feel Slade could be turned evil with the right motivation. We learn that vampires can glamour people by looking into their souls, finding out what they want the most and mentally communicating a promise that they’ll get it if they just do whatever the vampire wants.

But Slade is such a depressed guy that he doesn’t believe he could ever really be happy, so there’s nothing there to help Blythe glamour him.

The vampire board wants Blythe to try to turn him to their side. Blythe knows this is pointless but he has to try. (Just like you have to hop one one foot and chew gum etc etc at least 50 times before your boss figures out he made a mistake – they can’t trust you that it is a mistake, they need to see the mistake happen).

So reluctantly, Blythe agrees. There’s an allusion to the fact that he’s plotting to do something to Slade’s women that might put him on a path to evil.

2) This chapter also paves the way for future books and if enough people pony up the cash for me to get a dinner at Applebees after this book, I’ll write two more so I can go out to Chili’s for some baby back ribs and Buffalo Wild Wings for some buffalo wild wings.

There’s some kind of relationship between Blythe and Lady Blackwood going on. They hold hands and she takes his arm as they walk. I don’t really ever give an answer. You’re free to think they boink or that they are just colleagues and in those days it was expected that a man give a woman he is walking next to his arm to prevent her from falling.

Shit. Try to give a woman your arm today to prevent her from falling and say hello to the lawsuit but I digress.

What we do find out about whatever relationship they have – they both believe they are the two smartest vampires in the room.  They are both like minded, practical, they both work on the ground, on the front lines, they know the board’s silly whims are stupid.  There’s a suggestion they’d be interested in bumping the board off and becoming a ruling duo if Blythe’s plan is successful.

Also – the “chairman” tricks people into thinking that he doesn’t exist.  Can you think of someone else who has tricked the world into thinking he doesn’t exist?  Read your bible, heathens!

I like Blackwood’s name and it makes me sad that I have to change it. My proposed sequel takes place partially in Deadwood (HBO show fans rejoice) so you can’t have a person named Blackwood in a town called Deadwood.

I’ll have to think of something though since she’s Scottish I’m thinking about just calling her Lady Tavish and calling it a day.

I don’t want to give too much away about the sequel other than Wild Bill Hickok had been a problem for the vampires, Lady Blackwood did something evil about it, and now Hickok’s friends Calamity Jane and Charlie Utter are after the lady.

In my mind, I’ve mapped out a lot of that novel already. I’m a little nervous about using actual people as characters though I believe most people will understand it is pure fantasy.

Although I’m sure there is a good part of the population who is convinced that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter….so…sorry Wild Bill, Jane, and Charlie.

And if you like those two books, the third will find Wyatt Earp taking on vampires, werewolves and zombies in yet another novel guaranteed to raise enough funds for a dinner.

I am a little torn though. Wyatt’s best friend was Doc Holliday. In this novel I have a Doc Faraday. I’m debating on maybe changing him to Doc Farrelly or just leave it and if a fan complains I’ll just say shit I’m sorry I never thought I’d make it to a third novel.


Some talk of Blythe being punished with the removal of his medallion. Lady B says that’ll be the least of your worries. Blythe disagrees and basks in the sun.

Vampires don’t usually enjoy the sun, right?

Finally, I try not to make Blythe funny and instead have him be evil but I couldn’t resist an ending in which he comes back to the real world and freaks the hell out to find Becker and Hewitt (as werewolves) starting at him.

Bookshelf Battle


Inside his mind, Blythe was in Hell, the realm of the damned.

He stood in a field of blank, black space that went on forever in every direction. Abruptly, a ringed wall of fire shot up into the air. It too went on to infinity.

In the center, an alluring blonde woman, all in white appeared. Her hair was up. Her right cheek had a subtle beauty mark. She held out her hand. Blythe kissed it.

“Lady Blackwood,” Blythe said.


As vice-chairwoman of the Legion Corporation’s board of directors, Lady Blackwood was an exceptionally powerful vampire. She spoke with a Scottish brogue, reminiscent of her highland ancestors long past.

Blythe looked around. “Perhaps a change of scenery? Something more fitting for your beauty.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Lady Blackwood said. In the blink of an eye, the pair found themselves strolling across the beach of a tropical island. The…

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