Daily Archives: March 20, 2016

I Got Shocked By My Earbuds

Hey 3.5 Readers.

Those who read this blog often (and my condolences to you, don’t worry, you’ll find something worth living for soon) are aware that I often complain about how it seems like some kind of cosmic karma force is after me, coming between me and all the goals I have in life.

Never before was that on full display today than when I made some time to hit the gym…

…AND I GOT SHOCKED BY MY DAMN EARBUDS!!!

Holy shit.  I kid you not.  It was hella scary y’all.  (Yes, I said that.)

Here’s how it all went down.

I got out of my BQB mobile.  Popped on my earbuds.  I have an eclectic collection of music and I was in a Snoop Dogg mood.

His early work.  Gin and Juice.  Ahhh…how I miss the early 1990’s.  Straight up fo sizzle.

So I walk through the parking lot.  Head on in to the locker room.  Take a wizz.  (You need to know the full story and I can’t leave out any detail.)

Then I hang up my coat…Snoop’s kicking old school…laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…sippin on gin and juice…I’m grooving along and then all of a sudden Snoop’s voice gets garbled and…

…ARGH!!! SHOCKS IN MY EARS!  WTF?!  WTF?!  What’s going on!  Snoop!  Help me!

So I pulled the earbuds off and threw them into the locker, afraid if I kept holding onto them they’d fry me into a charcoal briquette.

Now I’m embarrassed in front of the old naked dudes walking around in the locker room.

SIDENOTE:  Men, have you ever noticed that whatever gym you go to, there’s like a hundred and fifty naked old dudes walking around with everything on full display?  It doesn’t matter what time you go.  Morning, noon, night, 3 am, there will be a hundred and fifty naked old dudes just allowing everything to flap in the breeze because Goddamnit, they’re old and they don’t give a shit anymore.  God bless them.  It’s their God given right to let it all hang out in the locker room I guess.

I just wish they’d clear out when I get there but I digress.

Back to my original tirade.

So I had set down my phone and I go to pick it up and it gives me a static electricity shock and then I touch the locker itself and it gives me a static electricity shock.

Now, Dr. Hugo Von Science and I are on the outs, so I can’t exactly ask him what the hell happened, but I was able to conclude that apparently it is possible for static electricity to travel through your earbuds and shock your damn ears.

It was very scary.  And honestly, I’m adding it to my list of complaints.

Because seriously, what are the odds of getting your ears shocked by your earbuds?  They have to be pretty low.  Probably not as low as they are to win the powerball, but still low.

When the odds of something good happening to me are low, they never happen.  When the odds of something bad happening to me are low, they happen.

It’s just a pain in the ass.  My whole life is like me dodging and ducking all kinds of bullshit that comes between me and the things I want to do in my life and to get shocked in the ears…it just made me feel like “OK F this I guess the gods just want me to stay out of shape and away from the gym.”

Because it’s not like going to the gym isn’t enough of a pain in the ass on its own.

First, there’s the aforementioned one hundred and fifty naked old dudes ALWAYS hanging around the locker room with no clear purpose for being there.

Second, whenever I pick up one damn weight, there’s always at least two hundred and fifty steroid addicted muscle bound jocks who feel the need to walk over and offer unsolicited advice on what I’m doing wrong, to which I always just nod politely until they leave me alone but in my mind I’m thinking, “Thank you sir, but as you can see, I’m not able to lift that damn seven hundred pound weight over my head and dance the Charleston like you can, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just stand here and put my full shame on display as I struggle with this tiny barbell which, by its pink color, I assume was designed for girls.”

And now, third, I have to worry about my ears getting shocked by my earbuds.  I googled it.  It indeed is a thing.  It happens.

So be careful, 3.5 readers.  Your earbuds can shock in more ways than playing Nicki Minaj’s latest song about her copious derrière.

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How the West Was Zombed = #165 on Wattpad Horror Fiction

Hey 3.5 Readers,

Sooo….I don’t want to count my chickens before they’re hatched or anything but I was pleased to see that How the West Was Zombed was ranked #165 in Wattpad Horror as of Saturday morning.

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 9.34.02 PM

I’m not saying that I’m putting a down payment on my house in Malibu but…I probably should right?

Here it is listed in the “Hot” section of Wattpad Horror.  I’m just going to say it.  I always thought I’d have to set myself on fire in order to get someone to refer to me as “Hot.”

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Seriously.  I’ve been referred to as “lukewarm” and “mildly tepid” but “hot” is a new one for me.

Oh and for no reason, here is a picture of Bookshelf Q. Battledog:

BQBD

This noble hound has defended BQB HQ from many zombies.  Also, he has eaten 5,731 intruders alive.

People…so many Hollywood super models are missing out on partying with me.  They don’t even know what they are missing out on.

Help them out and check out my story on Wattpad.

Look, I’m not some kind of Wattpad math scientist.  But I assume your reads, clicks, votes, comments, etc. all factor in to pushing this fine, fine story up the charts, and moving me closer to my Malibu beach house where I will no doubt party with many, many super models.

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about Video Game Rack Fighter?

She is down with it provided she gets to party with male super models.  Honestly, I’m probably just going to tell her I will invite male models to the party but then not actually do it.

Don’t tell her I said that.  Only 3.5 people read this blog so the secret should be safe.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, you’re still a hideous nerd.  No super model will want you.

Maybe, but you’d be surprised how far “Hey baby, I can put in a good word for you if you want to play an 1800’s zombie hooker in the movie based on my book that all began on WordPress and Wattpad” will go.

So please, 3.5 readers.  Help a nerd out and I promise to party with so many super models in your honor.

That’s how much I care about my 3.5 readers.

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Movie Discussion – Trading Places (1983)

 

It was on TV this afternoon and I ended up watching it.  Dan Akroyd.  Eddie Murphy.  Jamie Lee Curtis as a hooker with a heart of gold.

It was on all the time when I was a kid so it took me on a stroll down memory lane.

If you’ve never seen it, it asks the “nature vs. nurture” question that plagues us today.  Do people possess an innate ability to thrive or fail or is it possible to pluck anyone out of a bad environment, put them in a good one and see them succeed?

To that end, the Duke Brothers, a pair of elderly Wall Street tycoons frame their firm’s manager Winthorp (Dan Akroyd) to see if he thrives or fails when he hits the skids.  Meanwhile, they appoint Billy Ray (Eddie Murphy) as the firm’s manager and give him a lot of money to see whether he thrives or fails when thrust into success.

Also, there are a lot of boobs.  Many gratuitous 1980s boobs belonging to women who are either dead or very old now.  Depressing.

Questions for my 3.5 readers

QUESTION 1:

Do you think environment matters when it comes to a person’s success or failure?  Are people in tough situations bound to fail or are there people who can make the best out of any situation?

QUESTION 2:

Why aren’t there any boobs in movies anymore?  Movies used to have boobs all the time.  Now I barely see any.  What gives?

Meanwhile, movies are more violent than ever with people getting shot, hacked up, eaten by CGI movies but put one pair of boobs on the screen and to quote the Joker, “everyone loses their minds!”

NOTE: Downside – there is a blackface scene in which Dan Akroyd goes undercover as a Jamaican while wearing blackface and fake dreads.  Even by 1983 standards that was a little bit off.  So there’s that but overall despite that one scene, the movie does have a good message about not automatically disparaging someone who doesn’t come from a perfect background, that had you lacked opportunity you might struggle too.

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