Hey 3.5 Readers.
Those who read this blog often (and my condolences to you, don’t worry, you’ll find something worth living for soon) are aware that I often complain about how it seems like some kind of cosmic karma force is after me, coming between me and all the goals I have in life.
Never before was that on full display today than when I made some time to hit the gym…
…AND I GOT SHOCKED BY MY DAMN EARBUDS!!!
Holy shit. I kid you not. It was hella scary y’all. (Yes, I said that.)
Here’s how it all went down.
I got out of my BQB mobile. Popped on my earbuds. I have an eclectic collection of music and I was in a Snoop Dogg mood.
His early work. Gin and Juice. Ahhh…how I miss the early 1990’s. Straight up fo sizzle.
So I walk through the parking lot. Head on in to the locker room. Take a wizz. (You need to know the full story and I can’t leave out any detail.)
Then I hang up my coat…Snoop’s kicking old school…laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…sippin on gin and juice…I’m grooving along and then all of a sudden Snoop’s voice gets garbled and…
…ARGH!!! SHOCKS IN MY EARS! WTF?! WTF?! What’s going on! Snoop! Help me!
So I pulled the earbuds off and threw them into the locker, afraid if I kept holding onto them they’d fry me into a charcoal briquette.
Now I’m embarrassed in front of the old naked dudes walking around in the locker room.
SIDENOTE: Men, have you ever noticed that whatever gym you go to, there’s like a hundred and fifty naked old dudes walking around with everything on full display? It doesn’t matter what time you go. Morning, noon, night, 3 am, there will be a hundred and fifty naked old dudes just allowing everything to flap in the breeze because Goddamnit, they’re old and they don’t give a shit anymore. God bless them. It’s their God given right to let it all hang out in the locker room I guess.
I just wish they’d clear out when I get there but I digress.
Back to my original tirade.
So I had set down my phone and I go to pick it up and it gives me a static electricity shock and then I touch the locker itself and it gives me a static electricity shock.
Now, Dr. Hugo Von Science and I are on the outs, so I can’t exactly ask him what the hell happened, but I was able to conclude that apparently it is possible for static electricity to travel through your earbuds and shock your damn ears.
It was very scary. And honestly, I’m adding it to my list of complaints.
Because seriously, what are the odds of getting your ears shocked by your earbuds? They have to be pretty low. Probably not as low as they are to win the powerball, but still low.
When the odds of something good happening to me are low, they never happen. When the odds of something bad happening to me are low, they happen.
It’s just a pain in the ass. My whole life is like me dodging and ducking all kinds of bullshit that comes between me and the things I want to do in my life and to get shocked in the ears…it just made me feel like “OK F this I guess the gods just want me to stay out of shape and away from the gym.”
Because it’s not like going to the gym isn’t enough of a pain in the ass on its own.
First, there’s the aforementioned one hundred and fifty naked old dudes ALWAYS hanging around the locker room with no clear purpose for being there.
Second, whenever I pick up one damn weight, there’s always at least two hundred and fifty steroid addicted muscle bound jocks who feel the need to walk over and offer unsolicited advice on what I’m doing wrong, to which I always just nod politely until they leave me alone but in my mind I’m thinking, “Thank you sir, but as you can see, I’m not able to lift that damn seven hundred pound weight over my head and dance the Charleston like you can, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just stand here and put my full shame on display as I struggle with this tiny barbell which, by its pink color, I assume was designed for girls.”
And now, third, I have to worry about my ears getting shocked by my earbuds. I googled it. It indeed is a thing. It happens.
So be careful, 3.5 readers. Your earbuds can shock in more ways than playing Nicki Minaj’s latest song about her copious derrière.