Daily Archives: March 31, 2016

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Russian Spy

shutterstock_1945849

The Russians.

Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.

Let’s face it.  For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.

Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:

10.  You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.”  Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.”  This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”

9.  You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.

8.  She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked, opens up the freezer and then just stands there taking in the cold blast.  You could question her about this, but she’ll just give you some bullshit excuse about it being some kind of weird sex fetish.  In actuality, she does this because it reminds her of summertime in her native Siberia.

7.  She can’t name a single player on the local baseball team.  (Note for this to work you need to not be a nerd who doesn’t know a single player on your local baseball team.)

6.  She has difficulty fitting in during social gatherings.  You and your friends always want to talk about movies, music and popular culture whereas she just keeps randomly blurting out stuff like, “Religion is the opiate of the masses!” and “When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use!”

5.  Ever since she got a look at your fully stocked bathroom she’s been willing to do horrible, unspeakable things in the boudoir in exchange for a roll of two-ply.  “Pass the Charmin” has taken on an entirely new meaning.

4.  You have compared notes with your male friends.  When their girlfriends get mad at them, they get a lecture or the cold shoulder.  When your girlfriend gets mad at you, she slams her shoe down on the counter and shouts, “We will bury you!”

3.  Whenever you ask her where she wants to go on your next date, she invariably replies, “the Pentagon” then asks if you know whether or not they allow flash photography.

2.  She regularly asks if that is a hammer or a sickle in your pants or are you just happy to see her.

  1. You wake up often in the middle of the night to find your neck locked between her thighs, leaving you gasping for air.  You question her about it but she swears she’s just being kinky.  She’s not.  She’s trying to strangle the shit out of you like one of those damn double agent she-assassins that are always trying to kill James Bond.  Oh well.  We all have to go sometime and what a way to go.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie

shutterstock_142239178From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:

10.  She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.

9.  She wants you for your brains.  No, not the thoughts in your brains.  You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.

8.  She bumps into walls more than usual.

7.  You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.

6.  She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.

5.  She looks really mad at you.  You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”

4.  She asks if her butt looks big in the jeans she is wearing.  You note that her butt fell off weeks ago.

3.  Despite a lack of cognitive functions, she still has the ability to get mad at you about shit you did a long time ago.

EXAMPLE

YOU: Babe, stop trying to eat my brains.

HER: Grrr…argh…I bet you’d let that bitch you were staring at at the club in 2009 eat your brains…grrr…argh…brains…

2.  Also, despite the above mentioned lack of cognitive functions, she still holds you to the impossibly high standards set by Hollywood romance movies.

EXAMPLE

YOU:  Babe, your face is leaking puss.

HER:  Grr…argh…you should still love me anyway…grrr…and you should have better hair, bigger muscles, more money, and a cooler car…grrr…argh…brains!

  1.  Her boobs fell off but you’re pretty sure if you could just figure out how to sew them back on you could make this human/zombie romance work.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

POLITICAL AD – Why Bookshelf Q. Battler Sucks Ass and You Should Vote Leo McKoy for East Randomtown Mayor

shutterstock_287108603

Mr. Leo McKoy – Former Delivery Driver, Noted Barfly, the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek and East Randomtown Mayoral Candidate.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Sure, he has secured his spot as one of East Randomtown’s most famous citizens, having developed a WordPress blog that attracts the eyes of 3.5 readers.  An amazing accomplishment to be certain, as most East Randomtownsfolk don’t even know how to turn a damn computer on.

But has BQB ever met James Van Der Beek?

We think not.

The year was 1999.  Bill Clinton was president.  Holy shit.  That president got more college intern booty than a toilet stall at Cal Tech.

The hottest prom song was the Macarena and everyone lived in fear that the Y2K glitch was going to bring about the birth of Skynet.

The hottest show on television? Dawson’s Creek.  Teens tuned in every week to watch the adventures of Dawson Leary, his incorrigible best friend Pacey, Dawson’s love interest, Joey and Jen, the town slut with a super nice grandma.

Enter Leo McKoy.  He was a simple delivery driver for Schultz Delicatessen.  Or was it that simple a coincidence that he held this position?  Perhaps the stars aligned and the fates put McKoy into this minimum wage job in order for him to meet one James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson.

It was a hot summer day.  An order came in.  McKoy was charged with delivering a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of barbecue potato chips and a Sprite to room 31 of the East Randomtown Motel 9.

Never one to fail an employer, Mr. McKoy found the location, knocked on the door and who should pop his head out but none other than the angel who walks the earth in the form of a man himself, Mr. James Van Der Beek.

Seventeen-years later, Mr. McKoy still remembers the exchange:

MCKOY: Did you order a reuben sandwich with extra cole slaw, a bag of potato chips and a Sprite?

VAN DER BEEK: Yes.  Here you go.  Keep the change.

Keep the change, indeed.  For so mesmerized was Mr. McKoy that he framed the fiver Van Der Beek handed to him.  It hangs on McKoy’s wall to this very day and scientists claim the fiver contains trace amounts of Van Der Beek’s hand sweat.

There are average men and then there is Mr. McKoy.

The average man would have taken one look at the man god that was Van Der Beek in his prime, dropped the food on the floor, and run away with his arms flailing, because let’s face it, no one could ever possibly feel worthy enough to be in James Van Der Beek’s presence.  You certainly couldn’t, you loser.

But McKoy did not falter.  He did not cave under the pressure.  He delivered a famous man dinner, returned the payment to his employer, and lived to tell the tale nearly two damn decades later.

Could Bookshelf Q. Battler have stood up to that kind of pressure?

WE THINK NOT.

Citizens of East Randomtown, you “don’t want to wait for your lives to be over” to elect Leo McKoy – the Man Who Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

And you don’t have to.  You can vote for him this fall.

Jesus Christ.  Jen Lindley was such a slut.

THIS MESSAGE WAS PAID FOR BY THE CITIZENS DEDICATED TO CONVINCING YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A BAG OF ASSHOLES AND THAT YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY FOR EAST RANDOMTOWN MAYOR INSTEAD.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,