By: Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University
NOTE: Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.
As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.
Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”
You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen? Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample? Nothing happens whatsoever. It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder. Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.
Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:
- The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest? One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
- The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower? One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason. I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
- The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes. One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder. Fun at parties!
And finally, who could forget…
- Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time! Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA! Woopsie. That one isn’t quite perfected yet. Forget you heard about that one.
Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers. As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.
Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.
I don’t know what BQB’s problem is. Das people of the world have forgiven me. POTUS has pardoned me. The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back. Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable. Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.
As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies. If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.
Did I mean to cause a zombie attack? No. Not at all. Sometimes in science, inventions fail. Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned. Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.
Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB. I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday. This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous. I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.
WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS? SHOULD BQB FORGIVE DR. HUGO?
JA – Shit happens. Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy. He’s so kooky and lovable. If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.
NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose! I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time. This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.
DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS!