Daily Archives: March 19, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 34

Holy Crap. LOTS of stuff going on here….so much so this chapter actually took me a few days to write because I had to keep stopping to think what I wanted to do, say, and how to say it.

Overall, the chapter has two main points:

1) Explain why the hell Blythe just doesn’t take out a gun and shoot Slade while he’s sleeping. Remember Austin Powers? Scott asks Dr. Evil why he doesn’t just shoot Austin and call it a day. And Dr. Evil responds that he’s just going to leave Austin in an easily escapable predicament with one inept guard.

I didn’t want to go that “incompetent villain” route. Blythe is smart. So I went with the “oppressed employee” route.

Have you ever had a boss that practically made you hop on one foot, chew bubble gum, yodel, do breakdance moves, jumping jacks and climb Mt. Everest at the same time and act like it is all perfectly reasonable?

And there’s a part of you that just wants to explain to the boss that if you could do my job for 5 minutes, you’d see why your request is not a good idea?

But you don’t because you don’t want to be fired.

That’s basically what’s happening here. The board, made up of pampered vampires who don’t do much to get their uh…fangs…dirty…put out all these edicts for Blythe to follow.

The board wanted Joe to suffer so as to scare their werewolf lackeys into submission. Blythe was against that, having advised to kill him outright, lest he become a problem and sure enough, he is now a problem.

They also feel Slade could be turned evil with the right motivation. We learn that vampires can glamour people by looking into their souls, finding out what they want the most and mentally communicating a promise that they’ll get it if they just do whatever the vampire wants.

But Slade is such a depressed guy that he doesn’t believe he could ever really be happy, so there’s nothing there to help Blythe glamour him.

The vampire board wants Blythe to try to turn him to their side. Blythe knows this is pointless but he has to try. (Just like you have to hop one one foot and chew gum etc etc at least 50 times before your boss figures out he made a mistake – they can’t trust you that it is a mistake, they need to see the mistake happen).

So reluctantly, Blythe agrees. There’s an allusion to the fact that he’s plotting to do something to Slade’s women that might put him on a path to evil.

2) This chapter also paves the way for future books and if enough people pony up the cash for me to get a dinner at Applebees after this book, I’ll write two more so I can go out to Chili’s for some baby back ribs and Buffalo Wild Wings for some buffalo wild wings.

There’s some kind of relationship between Blythe and Lady Blackwood going on. They hold hands and she takes his arm as they walk. I don’t really ever give an answer. You’re free to think they boink or that they are just colleagues and in those days it was expected that a man give a woman he is walking next to his arm to prevent her from falling.

Shit. Try to give a woman your arm today to prevent her from falling and say hello to the lawsuit but I digress.

What we do find out about whatever relationship they have – they both believe they are the two smartest vampires in the room.  They are both like minded, practical, they both work on the ground, on the front lines, they know the board’s silly whims are stupid.  There’s a suggestion they’d be interested in bumping the board off and becoming a ruling duo if Blythe’s plan is successful.

Also – the “chairman” tricks people into thinking that he doesn’t exist.  Can you think of someone else who has tricked the world into thinking he doesn’t exist?  Read your bible, heathens!

I like Blackwood’s name and it makes me sad that I have to change it. My proposed sequel takes place partially in Deadwood (HBO show fans rejoice) so you can’t have a person named Blackwood in a town called Deadwood.

I’ll have to think of something though since she’s Scottish I’m thinking about just calling her Lady Tavish and calling it a day.

I don’t want to give too much away about the sequel other than Wild Bill Hickok had been a problem for the vampires, Lady Blackwood did something evil about it, and now Hickok’s friends Calamity Jane and Charlie Utter are after the lady.

In my mind, I’ve mapped out a lot of that novel already. I’m a little nervous about using actual people as characters though I believe most people will understand it is pure fantasy.

Although I’m sure there is a good part of the population who is convinced that Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter….so…sorry Wild Bill, Jane, and Charlie.

And if you like those two books, the third will find Wyatt Earp taking on vampires, werewolves and zombies in yet another novel guaranteed to raise enough funds for a dinner.

I am a little torn though. Wyatt’s best friend was Doc Holliday. In this novel I have a Doc Faraday. I’m debating on maybe changing him to Doc Farrelly or just leave it and if a fan complains I’ll just say shit I’m sorry I never thought I’d make it to a third novel.


Some talk of Blythe being punished with the removal of his medallion. Lady B says that’ll be the least of your worries. Blythe disagrees and basks in the sun.

Vampires don’t usually enjoy the sun, right?

Finally, I try not to make Blythe funny and instead have him be evil but I couldn’t resist an ending in which he comes back to the real world and freaks the hell out to find Becker and Hewitt (as werewolves) starting at him.

Bookshelf Battle


Inside his mind, Blythe was in Hell, the realm of the damned.

He stood in a field of blank, black space that went on forever in every direction. Abruptly, a ringed wall of fire shot up into the air. It too went on to infinity.

In the center, an alluring blonde woman, all in white appeared. Her hair was up. Her right cheek had a subtle beauty mark. She held out her hand. Blythe kissed it.

“Lady Blackwood,” Blythe said.


As vice-chairwoman of the Legion Corporation’s board of directors, Lady Blackwood was an exceptionally powerful vampire. She spoke with a Scottish brogue, reminiscent of her highland ancestors long past.

Blythe looked around. “Perhaps a change of scenery? Something more fitting for your beauty.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Lady Blackwood said. In the blink of an eye, the pair found themselves strolling across the beach of a tropical island. The…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 33

I had fun writing this chapter.

Lots of stuff happening here.

1) It begins with Blythe having a headache. Signs of his headache continue throughout…I hope this means you, the reader, want to know what is causing his headache.

2) The Buchanan Boys are destroying Miss Bonnie’s saloon. Again, other than Smelly Jack, the Buchanans are superfluous and interchangeable. Think of them as the minions, except not yellow or bean shaped and instead, they are cowboys.

3) Some character development for Miss Bonnie. She loves her place and protests its destruction but when told she’ll be reimbursed, she immediately decides to pad the bill. So, if you hadn’t already noticed, she’s not exactly a solid citizen. We see that again when she comes to Roscoe’s defense, only we find out she’s worried about him because he is a paying customer and not him personally.

4) Doc is getting them all to drink his Miracle Cure All.

5) And we learn…pretty much…though without it being expressly said…that Doc was the dumb dupe that started a cross country zombie apocalypse currently making its way for Highwater.

6) It is hard because I feel Doc and Blythe are very similar – both educated, both have high opinions of themselves, both use fancy words – Blythe isn’t stupid though whereas Doc is naive and his ego can be stroked to disastrous results.

7) You learn what caused the headache at the end. I feel like I invented something here. I’m sure nerds out there can point out other books where characters “meet inside their minds” so ok maybe I didn’t invent it but I think it is somewhat original and unique.

Basically – Blythe is an employee of “the board” and the board can call him into a mind meeting, regardless of whether he wants to be in one. His head starts to hurt, his eyes turn red, he freezes still like a statue and “the mind meeting” begins.

Bookshelf Battle


The Bonnie Lass was a madhouse. More so than usual. The Buchanan Boys were out of control – laughing, singing, drinking, shouting, shooting, fighting, helping themselves to the hooch, breaking and/or stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down and chasing Miss Bonnie’s girls around with nary an interest in their right to refuse service.

Miss Bonnie walked over to the back corner where Blythe sat, holding his aching forehead in the palm of his hand, oblivious to all of it.

“Mr. Blythe,” Miss Bonnie said.

Blythe didn’t respond.

“Mr. Blythe!”

He looked up. “What is it?”

“Mr. Blythe,” Miss Bonnie said. “I’ve had all I can stand of this. These men need to go before I start using their asses as target practice.”

That ticked Blythe’s funny bone, but the laughter made his head throb harder. “I apologize, Madame. I’m a bit under the weather.”

“Well, I don’t give a good…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 32

Just a hint here that Joe is plotting an offensive on his own against Blythe’s werewolves, the “dirty animals” comment referring to Mr. Becker and Mr. Hewitt obviously.

Leo the drunk in the cage – it is a reference to the Andy Griffith Show, the small town sheriff where Otis the town drunk was a recurring character and things were so informal that he let himself in and out of the cell on his own.

I’m thinking about changing Leo to Roscoe Crandall, who you may remember got punched in the face by Slade for calling Miss Bonnie a whore.

I picture him sleeping one off in later chapters and eventually makes his way to the group and perhaps he spills the beans to Sarah that Slade and Miss Bonnie are more than just casual acquaintances.

Bookshelf Battle


Gunther dozed with his feet on the Marshal’s desk until the front door opened and rousted him awake.

“Say Joe, what do you know?”

“Hello Gunther,” Joe said. “I was hoping I could…”

The old man opened the top right drawer and pulled out a rusty cash box. He pulled out some bills and handed them to Joe. “Say no more. Seven days. Seven dollars. You earned it.”

“Much obliged,” Joe said, tucking the money into his pocket.

“Afraid there’s no more work for you here,” Gunther said. “Actually, there’s no more work for me here either.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Joe said.

“Might be some work for you around town,” Gunther said. “Lars Gustafson was looking for help at the livery if you know how to shoe a horse.”

“Nah,” Joe said. “Reckon I’ll be moving on soon.”

“Too much excitement for you in this thriving metropolis?” Gunther asked.

“You could…

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 31

My chapters are short…maybe too short. I’ve written 60 some odd chapters already but really I only have like 40,000 words total. But people see 60 and wonder why it is going on for so long.

I think people will get it when it is laid out in a book though. James Patterson does his chapters this way. Every time there’s a new scene, people have changed locations, a new point to make, there’s a new chapter.

This one is really short…almost too short. But not sure if anything can be done about it.

Miles throws himself in poop. I know. Gross. But now you want to keep reading to find out why, right?

Bookshelf Battle



Of all the farmers in Highwater, Phil Tucker was by far the laziest. He rarely mucked out his pig pen and while a certain amount of slop is to be expected, most farmers take it upon themselves to grab a rake and tidy up before their neighbors feel like they’re ready to drop dead from the stench.

Even worse, Tucker just threw the pig’s food directly onto the pig poop so there was a fair amount of poop that had been eaten, digested, and turned into poop again.

Super poop, if you will.

Miles held his nose and stepped up backwards onto the pen’s fence. He closed his eyes, stretched out his arms, and fell backward into a pool of brown, disgusting, fly ridden, liquefied poop.

Slowly, he emerged with the mess dripping off of him. A few snorting pigs waddled over to check the intruder out but he…

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Dead 7 – Sy Fy’s Zombie Western

Son of a bitch.

Sorry.  Pardon my language.

Sy Fy has a zombie western in which the Backstreet Boys and 98 Degrees play cowboys fighting zombies.

Though I have to be missing something as I’m pretty sure one of them is wearing a backwards hat and I’m certain there’s a Jeep in there.

I don’t have to give up on my Zombie Western though right?  Attorney Donnelly is at work as we speak on a press release about how mine is much more awesome-er.

Nah.  I don’t know.  There are a few self published zombie westerns floating around out there already.

It’s just a little discouraging sometimes.  You think you’re original and then you realize there’s so much entertainment out there it is virtually impossible to be original.

Wait a minute…he is wearing a backwards baseball hat!  WTF?!




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Movie Review – Pee Wee’s Big Holiday (2016)

Home on a Friday night watching a Netflix movie about a man-child.

Oh life, where did you go wrong?

BQB here with a review of Pee Wee’s Big Holiday.

Oh Pee Wee.  You could have been a contender.

Come to think of it, you were.  Like every Generation X kid, I too talked in your silly voice and did my take on your “Ha ha!” and “Argh!” and so on.

But then you just had to go and do…well what you did at that adult theater in 1991.

To this day, I’ve never really understood it.  Sure, perverts have it a lot better today, what with a vast cornucopia of pornography available thanks to the Internet (so I’ve heard) but even in the 1990s, people had VCRs to watch risqué movies on (again, so I’ve heard.)

Pee Wee.  Oh Pee Wee.  You weren’t like Mr. Rogers, trying to lecture us on morality or Sesame Street, trying to teach us shit.  You just invited us along to be silly and have a good time and you had to go and get yourself in trouble.

Eh.  Did it matter?  Two movies and a TV show, I’m not sure how much more Pee Wee the public could have tolerated.

Either way, he’s been in more movies (as Paul Reubens) and we’ve forgiven him.  (But Jesus Christ, even in the 1990s they had Playboys and Penthouses and Hustlers you could check out in the privacy of your own home so what the hell was he thinking? (Again, so I’ve heard.)

Pee Wee is back (because thanks to Netflix, everyone who had a hit twenty years ago is coming back for one last hurrah).

Did you know that Pee Wee is 63 years old?  I always thought he was younger for some reason.  Holy Shit.  He aged well.

The Plot – Pee Wee lives in Fairville and he is afraid to leave.  But then he meets Joe Manganiello (the actor from True Blood and Magic Mike, though if you’ve never heard of him, it is ok because Pee Wee hadn’t heard of him either.)

Yes, Joe plays himself.  Meta.

They learn they have a lot in common and become fast friends.  But Joe is worried that Pee Wee has lived such a sheltered life so he challenges our favorite man boy to trek across country to his birthday party in New York City.

That’s about it.  It’s a romp from there on, a series of skits as he gets in various predicaments along the way.  Bank robbing babes, snakes, Farmer’s daughters, and balloon loving Amish folk slow him down.

I have to admit I didn’t laugh as much as I thought I would.  I’m concerned this means maybe Pee Wee was never funny.  Maybe I just thought he was when I was a kid.

But then I recall Pee Wee’s Big Adventure and classic lines like, “There’s no basement at the Alamo” and how he called that spoiled Francis guy “France-ass” and the bikers and I laugh and laugh.  (“Paging Mr. Herman.  Mr. Herman.  You have a telephone call at the front desk.)

Eh.  Maybe there’s just few people around who understand/appreciate 1980’s humor enough to make a movie that lives up to the legend.

Anyway, it was cute but not as good as the original or Big Top Pee Wee, the sequel.

MAIN COMPLAINT:  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe he said “I know you are but what am I” to anyone in the entire film.  That’s his patented catch phrase.  Even those hacks at Fuller House knew they had to jam “Cut it out” and “How rude” and “Have mercy” into the first ten minutes.

Isn’t that the whole point of these TV shows/movies?  Long in the tooth actors grabbing one last pay day by placating adults who loved those actors when they were kids before the next generation of adults comes along and doesn’t give a shit?

“Look BQB.  That TV show/movie you liked as a child is still relevant…time isn’t passing you by…say the catchphrase!!!”

SIDENOTE: Pee Wee’s 63 but all his chicks in this movie are way younger.  Maybe because he’s just an ageless perpetually young guy…or maybe Hollywood couldn’t let him get with a 63 year old perpetually ageless female?

I don’t know.  Maybe I’m too much of a conspiracy theorist.  And to be fair, he does go on a flying car ride with a Katherine Hepburn type.

Not really shelf-worthy but if you haven’t seen them, I hope this inspires you to see his first two movies.

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BQB Live Tweets Pee Wee’s Big Holiday

3.5 READERS: BQB, you are a giant nerd for live tweeting Pee Wee’s Big Holiday!

BQB: I know you are but what am I?  Ha ha!  Argh!

(If you’re on the twitter-mo-bob, follow @bookshelfbattle then get on Netflix and join in.)

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