By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Alien Jones aka “The Esteemed Brainy One”
Greetings Earth Losers.
Two years. Hard to believe it. Two years ago this month, Bookshelf Q. Battler was stuffing his pie hole full of disgusting Taco Bell burritos when the idea to create the Bookshelf Battle Blog was born.
He’s come a long way since then and I must be honest, it came as a great surprise to me when my exalted ruler, the Mighty Potentate, assigned me the burdensome challenge of helping this nerd get his writing career off the ground.
I still remember how the conversation went:
MIGHTY POTENTATE: JONES! You are to aid the Chosen One in his efforts to become a successful writer!
ALIEN JONES: But Potent One, I’ve read his lousy blog and honestly, isn’t there a more realistic task? Perhaps there’s a black hole I could close?
MIGHTY POTENTATE: Alien-who-wants-to-be-vaporized-sayswhat?
ALIEN JONES: Wha..oh! You almost got me there, Your Potentosity. You are truly the craftiest of all potentates.
For those new to the 3.5 reader club:
- The Mighty Potentate oversees a mind-boggingly vast empire of planets.
- He despises reality television and fears if it goes unchecked, humans will spread this dreadful art form across the cosmos, replacing the MP’s much loved scripted programming.
- The Potent One has seen in a vision that BQB’s writing will one day cause all humans to reject reality television.
- Ergo, I am stuck as BQB’s advisor until he writes a novel so expertly crafted that it motivates all humans to reject shows in which brainless celebrities are followed around by cameras for no apparent reason.
- So in other words, I’m BQB’s advisor forever.
- Oh, and if BQB does not write such a novel before he kicks the bucket, the Potentate does intend to invade earth, strip it for parts, and resell it on the intergalactic real estate market. The Moloklaxons have already shown an interest but you know, they’re not considered the a-holes of the universe for nothing.
BQB, on behalf of the Mightiest of Potentates, I’m glad to see you have made so much progress on your novel, How the West Was Zombed.
Cowboys. Zombies. Love. Romance. Daring do. Werewolves. Vampires. Could use some aliens but eh, nothing is perfect.
Will this be the novel that hooks humans on a higher form of entertainment?
Well, I’ve read it and…hey, let’s just say if you want to be the one who informs the Mighty Potentate…be my guest. I just hope you don’t mind being vaporized. The MP gets a little testy when he doesn’t get his way and he has a hair trigger when it comes to his vaporization cannon.
Honestly, I was a little bummed that BQB put Undersiredverse on the shelf for now. It’s not like I utilized astounding time travel technologies to beam adventures from 3000 AD (which as you know, isn’t here yet) into BQB’s brain so he could write about them.
And I won’t even take it personally, since I had a significant role. I’m sure BQB will write this book eventually.
Really, what does it matter? Even if BQB does finish Undersiredverse, and even if he swings a movie deal with Hollywood, the CGI alien that plays me will never be nominated for an Academy Award.
That’s ok though. I’ve grown used to speciesism. Even so, I can’t help but notice a lack of aliens when it comes to Academy recognition. #OscarsSoHuman
For the 3.5 of you who enjoyed my columns, I apologize for not being around as much this year. It’s not by choice. There’s been a nasty trade intergalactic dispute over the price of irregular pants. War has broken out. Several planets have been decimated. It’s very tragic. I’ve been spending my time dousing water on that hot fire, leaving BQB to work on his zombie novel.
So in the meantime, dear humans, please provide BQB all the advice you can on his Zombie Western. I don’t want to say that the better this book is the less likely you’ll become the Mighty Potentate’s hairless ape slaves but…well…yeah I guess that’s what I’m saying.
But forget that. You’re helping me when you help BQB. The sooner I can drop this assignment the better. I’ve got too many plates to spin as it is.
Oh, and you can still feel free to ask the alien a question. I won’t get to them as quickly this year, but assuming your questions meet BQB’s rigorous standards (usually, that it was written by a human using words) you’ll get a plug for your book or blog.
But keep in mind it’ll take awhile. Sad to say, I’m not sure I’ll be able to check back in again until this summer. That’s how complicated this irregular pants fiasco is.
What can I say? An Esteemed Brainy One’s work is never done.