Ahh, Easter. That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit. Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.
Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers. From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:
#10 – Orange Jelly Beans
All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones. Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans? Who is the asshat that steal eats those? Someone must be or they’d stop making them.
Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do. Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans. I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans. But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.
Seriously. Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.
Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment? Probably. But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans. Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!
Who cares? Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.
I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off. It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation. These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.
#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs
Mmm. Sweet chocolates on the inside. Sweet candy shell on the outside. They’re like cocaine to me. If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now. Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want. Adults, it’s not too late for you. Lay off that shit too.
#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs
Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?
Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?
#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs
Malt. It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor. Don’t believe me? Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.” But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness. I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.
#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs
When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.
That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you. Creme, marshmallow, you name it.
#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans
While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful. They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years. Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.
#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses
You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before. They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for. This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok. I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!” Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.
Have you had one? Tell me what you think.
#2 – Peeps
Yummy marshmallow inside. Delicious sugary coating on the outside. Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth. Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?
#1 – Chocolate Bunnies
Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?
Seriously. What do you bite off first? The ears, of course. Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!
Not that I’ve thought this through. Ears, face, butt. That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny. How about you?
Your Favorite Candy
Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy? Tell me in the comments.