By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.
Still working on your writing careers I see. No, no. Don’t get up. Whatever you do, don’t do anything productive whatsoever. It’s not like there aren’t more important jobs out there that could be done. By all means, continue to record your thoughts and feelings. That’s what is truly important.
So here’s the latest thing that frosts my ass, besides your generation’s lousy, non-existent work ethic.
Muddy jeans. Jeez Louise. Just when I thought you lowlife millennials couldn’t get any worse.
On the off chance that one of you 3.5 readers were actually out there, oh, I don’t know, doing some honest to God work and therefore you were too busy to watch television, let me fill you in.
Nordstrom’s, a store for ultra rich hipster scumbags who made way too much money before turning thirty than anyone should, has just put out a pair of jeans made to look as though they are covered in mud.
The mud’s not real. It’s fake mud. Holy shit. That’s what this world has come to. There are so many facets of this story that frost my ass that I don’t know where to begin. Here are the complaints that come to mind.
#1 – Do some work!
You want muddy jeans? Good. Go buy a pair at the drug store like every other American. They’ve got a three for ten dollar special this month only. Put ’em on, then…wait for it…do some work!
Mow a lawn. Trim a hedge. Change the oil in your car. Get down on your knees and plant some flowers in your garden. Pull some weeds. Plant some seeds.
Hell, maybe even get a respectable where you perform menial labor. Work at a construction site. Become a plumber or an electrician or one of those assholes that keeps the world turning. Do something like that so your parents don’t have to lie to all of your relatives that things are going really great with your $100,000 + college degree in East Peruvian Literary Studies.
By the way, why did you waste all your parents’ money on that degree? Didn’t you know your Old Uncle Hardass would have gladly given you the college graduate job search experience by kicking you in the nuts for ten bucks? You could have saved Mom and Dad $999,990. Dumb ass.
But I digress. This really frosts my ass. You know why? Because…
#2 – This is Unearned Mud
You ever hear about stolen valor? That’s when the Army prosecutes dip shits who run around claiming they’re war heroes when they never even wore a uniform a day in their lives.
Same concept. The mud on these fancy jeans is stolen mud! Unearned mud! You want mud on your jeans? You gotta do some work to get that mud on your jeans!
Don’t want to work for your mud? Fine. Then at least be smart and buy some cheap jeans, turn on hose on a patch of dirt in your lawn, then roll around in the mud. There, I just saved you $425.
Too lazy? Fine. Just give your Uncle Hardass your cheapest pair of jeans and I’ll wipe my ass with them after the monthly chili cook-off at the old folks’ home. Looks like mud and stains just as well.
And now, my third and final complaint:
#3 – No Normal Person Wants Mud on Their Jeans
You know who doesn’t want mud on their jeans? The people who actually get mud on their jeans while they’re working. These hardworking men and yes, even women (though broads in the workplace is another subject that frosts my ass), work all day long, dreaming that maybe a day will come when they are promoted to a decent job that pays a living wage and doesn’t require them to roll around in filth, ruining all of their good clothing.
They yearn for that day, the day when they can buy nice clothes and those clothes stay nice and clean because they didn’t have to pull shit out of a toilet or do a landscaping project or resurface a section of highway by pouring hot tar on a hot as balls summer day.
And you? You filthy hipster. What happened? You saw one of these hardworking people walking around and you thought, “Oh, I’d look so genuine if I’d just have a dirty pair of jeans like that! But how can I get a pair of muddy jeans without breaking a sweat?”
You know kids, when I was your age, a long, long, incredibly long time ago, people always kept at least one good set of clothes in the house. If you went shopping, or to the movies, or out to dinner, or hell, if you just did anything outside of your house that wasn’t work, you put on a suit if you were a man or a lovely dress if you were a woman. Even the lowliest ditch digger had a suit he’d wear to go buy some ointment at the pharmacy to put on the back he injured while he was digging ditches.
Why? Because people strived to be better. But now all you rich hipsters. “Oh, I feel so bad I have so much money! I want to look like one of the common people!”
Please, hipsters. Don’t come anywhere near me if you’ve got a pair of fake muddy jeans on. I’ll put some real mud on those jeans…some butt mud.