By: Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist
Ahh, the lizard people. They live among us, you know, biding their time, working their scaly ways into positions of high social standing, waiting for the precise moment to strike and then BAM! They embrace their true forms and we end up as their slaves.
Fun fact though. Not every lizard person is aware that he or she is a lizard person. Some lizard people have been wearing their human skin suits for so long that they went and forgot that they are lizard people, swapping out their fake human identities as their own.
Your neighbor, doctor, lawyer, proctologist, butcher, baker, or candlestick maker might be a dirty, disgusting lizard person! Maybe your wife, your brother, sister, uncle or dog walker appears human on the outside but on the inside, they’re nothing but no good, dirty rotten, scaly ass sons of bitches.
Even worse….YOU could be a lizard person and not even know it.
But don’t freak out yet. Take this handy quiz, for it is the only way to know if you’re a true blue human or a lizard person bent on world domination.
#10 – Do you like to eat flies?
Look, I’m not talking about that time you stuck your head out the car window while the car was rolling down the highway to get some fresh air because your cousin in the back seat farted and a bug flew down your throat.
If you gagged on that bug and were disgusted by the experience, good for you. If you thought, “Hmm, this bug it tasty” then you could be a dirty lizard person.
(By the way, I don’t care how bad that fart was, keep your damn head in the car because sticking it out while the car is moving is a good way to lose your head. You want your mother to have to go to your funeral and you don’t even have a head anymore?)
Ultimately, one or two bugs in a lifetime is inconclusive. However, if you find yourself sitting down to a heaping bowl full of flies, bugs, wasps and other assorted insects then yes, you’re a lizard person.
#9 – You Think About Global Domination Twenty Times a Day
Less than twenty times a day? You’re just an average human politician of any political party.
More than twenty? Lizard person.
#8 – You Have Red Eyes in All of Your Photos
You definitely want to get your camera checked first but if it’s a finely calibrated machine then yes, it’s going to pick up the redness of your eyes underneath your faux human eyeballs.
#7 – Dogs Don’t Like You
Dogs are friendly as all get out so unless its a dog with a bad attitude, then it’s barking at you because he’s trying to tell all the humans around, “Bark, bark! That’s a damn lizard person!”
#6 – You Have Detachable Genitalia
Fun fact. All human suits worn by lizard people come with detachable genitalia. Lizard people simply detach their fake human dongs and cooters after sex, pop them in the dish washer and presto, change-o! They’re good as new and fresh as a daisy!
The good news? Your nether regions are very sanitary. The bad news? You’re a lizard person.
#5 – You’ve Been Receiving Strange Magazines
Suspicious titles (that you don’t remember ordering) include:
- Lizard People Weekly?
- Global Domination Times
- Pretending to Be Human on a Dollar a Day
- Lizard Fashions
- Gourmet Bug Cooking
#4 – All of Your Relatives Are Lizard People
In public, lizard people wear their human skin suits and never tell any humans about their plans for global domination.
In private, lizard people pop those human suits off and let their scaly butts hang out. If a bunch of lizard people have shown their true forms to you, then I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but you’re one of them and they already know it.
Lizard people wouldn’t trust you with the knowledge that they are lizard people unless you are part of their lizard family.
#3 – You Can Lick Your Own Eyeballs
Partially disgusting. Partially awesome. Ultimately, not normal tongue behavior.
#2 – You Have Strange Thoughts
“I want to conquer the world!”
“All must bow down to me!”
“Bugs are tasty!”
If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re probably a lizard person.
#1 – That One Time Your Face Fell Off and You Looked In the Mirror and Saw You are a Damn Lizard Person
Truly, the most undeniable evidence. If your human face fell off and you found yourself staring at a lizard person in the mirror, then there’s no getting around the fact that you are a lizard person.
If you suffer from any of the above conditions, then I’m sorry, but you’re a lizard person. Please report to your nearest lizard person detention center immediately.
Do you think you might be a lizard person? Report yourself in the comments…