Aww, technology. Those clanking cacophonies of nuts and bolts (Lost in Space) that make our lives easier.
But will they always make our lives easier? Will they make our lives worse? Will they become sentient? Will they develop thoughts and feelings? Will they take over?
OMG! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE TOASTER OVEN IS AFTER US ALL!
Oh. Nope. It’s just making toast. My bad. Sorry, toaster oven.
Anyway, the machines seem docile for now, but I’m not sure that will always be that way. From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines are Going to Take Over:
#10 – Your Fridge Tries to Feed You
Does it care about your nutrition? No. It’s trying to make you fat and slow so you won’t put up much of a fight during the robotic invasion.
#9 – Siri Plays Dumb
She does that now, but is she doing it because she is dumb or is she trying to frustrate you to the point of insanity? Who knows what Siri is up to? Siri, what are you up to?
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand, ‘Siri, what are you up to? Do you want me to do a web search for it?”
Oh Siri, you devious bitch.
#8 – Your Alarm Clock Never Goes Off On Time
Is it broken? Maybe. Or maybe it wants you to lose your job and your source of income so you can’t afford to donate to the anti-robot rebellion squad.
#7 – Social Media Sites Start Telling You Your Posts Suck
We all already know that your posts suck, but when your favorite social media sites actually tell you that they suck, then rest assured, they suck. Also, they’re gathering all the sucky information that you are posting to figure out your sucky weaknesses and how to exploit them. All info will be fed to the head robot.
#6 – Your Car Radio Will Only Play Crappy Stations
Thus, you’ll never want to get in your car and go somewhere and/or do something that will improve your life. It doesn’t matter which station. Your radio will figure out the ones you don’t like and turn them up at high volume.
#5 – Your Toaster Burns Your Toast on a Regular Basis
You think you left it in too long? That’s adorable. No. That machine is trying to burn your damn house down or alternatively, leave you malnourished because who wants to eat charcoal-like toast?
#4 – Your Television is Trying to Control Your Mind
Sure, the mass media tries to do that already, but I’m talking about the TV itself. It’s playing weird mind control games on you all the time, even when you think you just turned it off.
#3 – Your Digital Pet is Haunting You
Remember those digital pets that were cool in the 1990s? They were awesome for five minutes and then, eh, who cares? But your digital pet has been waiting for you to feed him since 1999. In fact, he kicked the bucket and now he’s back as a digital pet ghost, ready to haunt your ass until you fork over some digital kibble.
#2 – Your Computer Rejects Your Novels
Are you an inspiring writer? Have you ever lost your work? Maybe it’s not because you forgot to hit the save button. Maybe it’s because your computer thought your manuscript really sucked donkey butt and didn’t want it saved on its hard drive.
Wait, maybe in this instance, the machines are saving the world! (just kidding, your novels are wonderful.)
#1 – Your Nose Hair Trimmer Wants to Trim Your Brain
Yes, those nose hairs are really blocking up your nasal passages. Tweezers may be more painful than a good electronic nose hair trimmer but be careful. That nose hair trimmer might want to keep trimming until it reaches your brain!