KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report the cow may look fine, but in fact, may suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Authorities say that Farmer Johnson has been slapped with a restraining order and is to stay fifty feet away from the cow at all times. Bovine rights advocates say this is a victory for cows everywhere and they are “moo-ved” to keep fighting the good fight. In other news, Hurricane Dakota Rothschild has caught meteorologists off guard, striking the Cuban coastline with gale force winds. Early reports indicate the carnage is significant. We take you live to the scene where one of our Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties is reporting. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, how are things in Cuba?
(A Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties appears on screen. She is wearing a yellow rain coat. She is horizontal, flapping about in the wind, the only thing that keeps her from blowing away is the grip she has on a traffic sign pole. She holds a microphone in her other hand. She squints through the rain that hammers down on her face and screams into the camera.)
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Pretty shitty, Kurt!
KURT MANLEY: I understand that all of the Cubans have retreated inland to safety, is that correct?
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: That is correct, Kurt! My cameraman and I are literally the only two assholes outside now, because apparently, it’s not possible for you to just sit there in the studio and tell everyone at home that there’s a hurricane on the loose! I actually have to get whipped around in the air like a moron so all the obese Midwestern housewives with nothing to do but watch the news all day can be entertained!
KURT MANLEY: Just how dangerous are things down there, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?
(A 1957 Chevy sails through the sky, passing just inches over the blonde reporter’s head.)
HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Oh, I’d say it’s pretty fucking dangerous, Kurt!
(Kurt looks to another camera and shuffles some papers.)
KURT MANLEY: Pretty fucking dangerous indeed. Stay safe, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties and keep those titties dry. Live via satellite feed we have Bernie Norris, a meteorologist with the International Weather Consortium. Welcome Bernie.
(A bespectacled geek appears on screen. He stands in front of an array of blinking and beeping computers.)
BERNIE: Hello Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Color me surprised, Bernie, but I always thought the point of meteorology was to give people advance warning whenever a serious weather event is about to occur.
BERNIE: You’d think so, but no, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Really?
BERNIE: Yeah Kurt. I’m going to level with you. We meteorologists like to talk a big game about how intelligent we are when it comes to the weather but honestly, our ability to predict and warn people about the weather is roughly equivalent to that of a three year old kid who points to a raindrop and says, “Look Mommy! Jesus is crying!”
KURT MANLEY: Wow. Well, I respect your honesty. If meteorologists can’t really predict the weather, then what the hell do you do all day?
BERNIE: Oh, lots of things to pass the time. We play a lot of fantasy roleplaying games. I’m a level fifty dungeon raider in Magicians of Montazor.
KURT MANLEY: Can’t any of those computers tell you anything about the weather?
(Bernie points to the computers behind them).
BERNIE: What, these things? Nah, they’re mostly just cardboard boxes with flashing lights built into them for show. Most meteorology labs are set up like the set of a 1980s science fiction movie. I thought everyone knew that.
KURT MANLEY: So you’re saying that meteorologists are essentially useless?
BERNIE: That’s correct. Another fact I assumed everyone already knew but hey, when you assume something you make an ass out of you and me, am I right?
KURT MANLEY: Speak for yourself, Bernie. Now the name your group has chosen for this hurricane…
BERNIE: Dakota Rothschild, yes.
KURT MANLEY: Care to explain that one for the audience?
BERNIE: Sure. Anyone who is anyone knows that if you want your daughter to get ahead in the world, you’ve got to give her a strong name. Gone to wayside are cute names like “Emily” and “Abby.” Today, your daughter needs to be named something strong like “Mackenzie” or “McKenna” or in our hurricane’s case, “Dakota.”
KURT MANLEY: Interesting.
BERNIE: Honestly Kurt, your daughter is going to be a big zero unless she’s named after a cowboy in a Louis L’Amour novel.
KURT MANELY: Now this is the first hurricane that the International Weather Consortium has given a last name to, is that correct?
BERNIE: Yes, Kurt. We here at the IWC felt that the name “Dakota Rothschild” is a very classy, luxurious name, one that will fit the hurricane in a variety of settings. Why, if the hurricane chooses to go the academic route, an applicant to Harvard is sure to be granted admission with such a stunning moniker. However, if, say, the hurricane were to decide to go into porn, she’s already got a very striking name and as any porn addict will tell you, an alluring name is half the battle for any successful porn star.
KURT MANLEY: Um, you do know that the hurricane is not a person, don’t you?
BERNIE: Of course, Kurt. It’s not like I sit around the lab, playing Magicians of Montazor with my buddies, all the while dreaming that Hurricane Dakota Rothschild will show up on my doorstep wearing a dazzling designer dress, reeking of high-end perfume. Maybe she’d take my hand and whisk me away to her Chateau in Tuscany, where she’ll bring home the bacon because she’s a modern empowered woman and I’ll while away my days as her obedient house boy, bringing her assorted fruit pieces wearing nothing but a tasteful banana hammock…
KURT MANLEY: It’s been a long time since you’ve been laid, hasn’t it Bernie?
BERNIE: It really has, Kurt. It really has.
KURT MANLEY: Any idea when the storm will hit the U.S.?
BERNIE: I’d like to give you an exact estimate but ultimately, my meteorology degree isn’t worth the paper it was printed on. Common sense says Hurricane Dakota Rothschild will be screwing Florida over royally by tomorrow morning, but the average fifth grader with a weather vane could have told you that.
KURT MANLEY: Bernie Norris, everyone. He’s completely ruined all faith I ever had in the science of meteorology, not that I had much to begin with. Speaking of Florida being screwed over, if you’re just tuning in, you may want to brace yourself. Pour yourself a nice shot of the hard stuff and get the kids out of the room or hell, keep them here and let them realize what a terrible place the world is. The sooner they realize that the better or maybe not. I don’t know. I’m not a child psychologist but what I do know is that the video footage you’re about to see is very disturbing indeed.
(Footage shows of Mayor Dufresne in his bathroom, being sliced and diced by the teeth of a vicious alligator).
KURT MANLEY: Holy shit! It’s a toilet gator! That’s the broad consensus of NN1’s rival news networks so far. Just take a look at some of the coverage our lesser competitors have been providing.
(A Japanese anchor appears at a news desk with a graphic of a giant alligator to his right).
JAPANESE ANCHOR: Shinseina tawagoto soreha toiregētādesu…holy shit it’s a toilet gator!
(A Swedish anchor appears on screen as the gruesome toilet gator footage plays on a monitor behind him).
SWEDISH ANCHOR: Hergen blurgen flurgen meatballs fjorden kurgen lurgen IKEA borgen schmorgen…holy shit it’s a toilet gator!
(A sign language translator appears on screen. “Deaf News Daily” appears on a sign behind her. To her right, there’s an image of the Mayor being eaten by an alligator. She makes a toilet flushing motion with her right hand, then joins her hands at the rests and opens them up and down as though they are a pair of jaws and her fingers the teeth. The caption at the bottom of the screen reads, “Holy shit! It’s a toilet gator!”
KURT MANLEY: Holy shit, it’s a toilet gator indeed. For days now, authorities have been pursuing this investigation as though a human being were behind the string of murder victims that includes international singing sensation Countess Cucamonga as well as a bunch of miscellaneous nobodies no one cares about. Now, the world is shocked to discover that the perpetrator is more beast than man, and a big one at that. For more on this startling revelation, we go to another one of our many Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties, on the scene in Sitwell, Florida. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, this video seems to make it crystal clear that an alligator is eating people on the toilet. Please say it ain’t so.
(Natalie Brock appears on screen outside Mayor Beaumont Dufresne’s Slightly Used Car Emporium, clad in her fake blonde hair and big boobs get up).
NATALIE BROCK: It’s so, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Damn it, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. I just asked you to tell me it wasn’t so!
NATALIE BROCK: I’m sorry Kurt, but it is, indeed, so. Experts who have reviewed the video all agree it is genuine. The only reasonable conclusion that can be drawn is that the culprit behind the series of gruesome murders dubbed “The Toilet Killings” by the media is none other than an alligator, colossal in size.
KURT MANLEY: This boggles my mind, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Truly, my mind is boggled.
NATALIE BROCK: It’s boggling a lot of minds, Kurt. I don’t think authorities have any clue how to respond to this one. Every call I’ve placed, from the Grover County Sheriff’s office to the FBI to the Governor’s office and even the White House has gone unreturned thus far.
KURT MANLEY: How did no one see this coming?
NATALIE BROCK: Well, you must admit Kurt, the idea that an alligator was behind all of this was an idea that no one could have conceived of until that footage caught us all off guard.
KURT MANLEY: Let me be more specific. I’m surprised you didn’t see this one coming.
NATALIE BROCK: Me?
KURT MANLEY: Yes, you, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.
NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I really don’t think…
KURT MANLEY: That’s the problem. You didn’t think. Oh sure, cops plod along, trying to solve a crime between donut breaks and sure, some reporters at lesser stations may poke their nose into it but here at NN1, we expect our team of Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties to be top notch, crackerjack ace reporters, breaking the news before it happens and, well, I’m very disappointed that you didn’t figure out a dinosaur sized alligator wasn’t behind all of us this long before Mayor Dufresne was turned into a tasty morsel.
NATALIE BROCK: I don’t know what to say.
KURT MANLEY: You don’t know much of anything, do you Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties?
(Kurt looks to another camera and sighs).
KURT MANLEY: I’m sorry, America. Our Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties in Florida is new but we’ll break her in. Don’t you worry about that. We’ll stay on the Toilet Gator story as it develops but for now, I can see with absolute certainty, that your butt should not go anywhere near a toilet unless you want it to be bitten off by a prehistoric lizard beast. Just put on a diaper, lock your doors, and stay tuned to Network News One, the only channel you can trust to tell you when it’s safe to take a shit again. That will do it for this block. Coming up next, is there a brand of tuna fish that can leave your body possessed by the soul of the tuna from whence it came? We’ll tell you which brand of tuna to worry about after sports and weather but first, these commercial messages.
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