Rusty brushed his teeth with Cole’s toothbrush, a move that did not strike him as the least bit disgusting. He rinsed his mouth out with water, then walked into a spare bedroom, only to be screamed at by an old lady.
“Holy shit, Maude!” Rusty shouted. “I had no idea you could move like that.”
“Get out!” Maude shouted.
Rusty grabbed the door knob, gave Burt a thumb’s up, then shut the door behind him. He walked through Cole’s living room to a second spare bedroom only to find, to his great surprise, Moses and Felix in bed, bare chested and hugging each other.
“Whoa!” Rusty cried out.
Moses and Felix sat up in bed, yanking the covers up over their bare chests.
“Don’t you knock?!” Moses shouted.
“I’m sorry, amigos,” Rusty said. “Didn’t know this room was occupado. I’m just going to go crash on the couch, so…”
“This isn’t what it looks like,” Moses said.
“That’s cool,” Rusty said. “I’m just gonna go.”
“We’re not gay,” Moses said.
“Not a problem if you are,” Rusty said. “It’s 2017.”
“We just like to snuggle,” Moses said.
Rusty’s heart pounded. Every 1980s love ballad he’d ever heard before poured through his mind. “Come again?”
“We’re heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals,” Moses said.
Rusty clutched his chest. “Oh my God. It really is a thing.”
“Of course it is, bigot,” Moses said. “It’s 2017. Every thing is a thing.”
“No,” Rusty said as he stepped further into the room. “It’s just, I thought I was the only one.”
“You mean you’re a heteronormative cuddle queer sexual too?” Moses asked.
“Yes,” Rusty said. “I recently learned that about myself after snuggling a gay man.”
Moses squirted some lotion of Felix’s shoulders and gave his buddy a good, hard rubdown. “You snuggled a gay man? You homo!”
“No!” Rusty said. “It wasn’t like that. We just, you know, did what you guys are doing.”
“Aint nothing wrong with it,” Moses said.
“No there isn’t,” Rusty said.
“We’re just two red blooded heterosexual males providing each other with a little warmth and comfort,” Moses said. “We saw a lot of shit in the war so, you know, sometimes ole Felix here is the only one I feel like I can talk to, even though he won’t talk back to me.”
“That’s really nice,” Rusty said.
Felix nodded, then closed his hands and enjoyed the back rub.
“Of course, I’d blow my brains out before I’d ever let a pecker get anywhere near my backdoor,” Moses said. “Felix feels the same way, don’t you Felix?”
“Me too!” Rusty said. “I don’t want any gay sex.”
“I should hope not,” Moses said. “That’s the devil’s work right there.”
“And I still love pussy,” Rusty said.
“Oh hell, Felix and I are pussy magnets,” Moses said. “All we gotta do is belly up to the bar, I start telling our war stories and before you know it, we’re buried under all the poontang.”
“Damn it,” Rusty said. “I wish I had some good war stories so I could get buried under a sea of poontang.”
“You’re a cop, aint you?” Moses asked. “Bitches love a man in uniform.”
“Yeah,” Rusty said. “I don’t have any good stories though.”
“Make some shit up,” Moses said. “The ladies won’t ever know.”
“You think so?” Rusty asked.
“Damn straight,” Moses said. “You gotta get that pussy any way you can get it, boy.”
“Cool,” Rusty said as he headed for the door. “Well, I’ll let you guys get back to it.”
Moses patted the bed. “You want in on this, buddy?”
Rusty pivoted around. “Excuse me?”
“This aint our first rodeo, boy,” Moses said. “Felix and I have been in a three-way man snuggle sandwich before.”
“You have?” Rusty asked.
“Shit yeah,” Moses said. “What do you thing happens at the conventions?”
Rusty’s jaw dropped. “There are conventions?”
“Shoot,” Moses said. “You don’t know much about this, do you boy? Hell yeah, there are all sorts of conventions and organizations dedicated to male on male snuggling. Why, Felix and I have been thinking about starting our own club for heteronormative cuddle queer sexuals right here in Sitwell.”
“I’d like to join that club,” Rusty said. “I really would.”
“Well,” Moses said as he patted the shed. “Time’s a wastin’ boy. Don’t be shy.”
Rusty stepped closer to the bed, then stopped. “Is this promiscuous?”
“What?” Moses asked.
“I just figured out I’m into male on male snuggling,” Rusty said. “I don’t know if I should run around snuggling just anyone.”
“Oh come on,” Moses said. “Don’t be a prude. We’re just cuddling. It’s not like anything is going into anywhere.”
“Well,” Rusty said as he hopped into bed right between Moses and Felix. “When you put it that way. What’s first, fellas? Tickle fight?”
“Normally, yes, but we have to help Cole kill a toilet gator tomorrow,” Moses said.
“Oh right,” Moses said. “Tickle blocked by the toilet gator.”
Moses wrapped his arms around Rusty’s left side. Felix did the same to Rusty’s right. Both men stared at Rusty intently while he focused his eyes on the ceiling.
“How’s that?” Moses asked.
Rusty shuddered in ecstacy. “So good.”
“Goodnight, meat,” Moses said as he and Felix closed their eyes.
“Meat?” Rusty asked.
“Yeah,” Moses said. “You’re the meat in this man sandwich. Felix and I are the buns.”
Rusty laughed. “Oh yeah. Good night, buns.”
“Just don’t think about going anywhere near our buns,” Moses said.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Rusty said.
“Good,” Moses said. “Because we’re not gay.”
“Me neither,” Rusty said.
“That’s gross,” Moses said.
“Totally disgusting,” Rusty said.
Rusty looked up at the ceiling for a while. “Felix’s feet are like a couple of popsicles.”
“Yeah,” Moses said. “He tends to run cold.”
After a few minutes, Moses and Felix fell asleep. Alas, rest evaded Rusty, for he was so excited to learn that he wasn’t the only heteronormative cuddle queer sexual in the world but rather, there were many like-minded men out there that he could enjoy his newly discovered reason for being with. He lied awake for hours, safely wrapped up in two sets of man arms until Cole bursted into the room around seven a.m.
“Hey Rusty,” Cole said. “It’s time to…what the?!”
Moses, Rusty, and Felix all sat up, yanking the covers over their bare chests.
“Don’t you knock?” Moses asked.
“It’s not what it looks like!” Rusty shouted. “We’re not gay!”
“Whatever,” Cole said as he walked out of the room. “I’ll be in the car.”