By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent
Hello 3.5 degenerate readers.
Your old Uncle Hardass here. Still working on your writing careers I see. Good for you. Never let reality get in the way of a good daydream. I’m sure your parents don’t mind subsidizing your hubris until the end of time.
You know what just frosted my ass? This photo:
In case you’re not hip like your old Uncle Hardass, that’s Amber Rose who is famous for…uh…well she does…I think she’s on TV or some shit. She’s a professional hot chick like Kim Kardashian or something.
Also, she does this thing called a Slut Walk which, hey, I’m not complaining. Hell, twenty years ago I’d of invited all those sluts to take a walk past my front door but today? Meh. It’s just like a big lump of taffy down there. Pull it all day and nothing happens.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Uncle Hardass is mad that a woman posed nude in a photo.” Nope, nope. Again, as I just said, twenty years ago I’d of retired to the bathroom with this photo in one hand and a bottle of Jergen’s in the other but, I might remind you, it’s like pulling taffy. I could yank on it for hours and the only thing would come out is one of those “Womp womp” sounds they play when you guess the wrong price on “The Price is Right.”
It frosts my ass because there’s literally no response that a man can make to a photo like this that a woman would find acceptable.
MALE RESPONSE: FEMALE RESPONSE:
Wow! What a lovely cooter shot! PIG!
I’m outraged at such nudity! How dare you demonize the female form?
You’re right. It’s a lovely photo. Pervert!
See? You can’t win. All these super hot chicks who are famous for being hot post naked photos of themselves all the time. And if you’re a man, there’s absolutely nothing you can say about it without getting in trouble with any woman who overhears you.
Really, the only thing you can do is just appreciate the fact that she posted it, then use it to inspire a monkey spanking session except, you know, I have to skip that because…taffy. Just a big lump of taffy.
Personally, I applaud Amber Rose for posting this photo. A) You can’t see it because I had to censor it due to the fact that my nephew, BQB, runs a classy blog (or so he says), but in the original photo, Amber is sporting a serious bush. Like, a big, giant, overgrowth. Seriously. It looks like she’s got Llhasa Apso trapped in a leg lock and try all he might, the little fella can’t budge.
That’s fine by me. Back in my day, it was the hairier the better. Hell, breaking out a weedwacker and a flashlight just to find your way to the thing was considered foreplay. You youngsters and your silky smooth lady parts have no idea what you’re missing.
Secondly, I thought it was pretty cool that Amber wears the same sunglasses I do. My doctor put those giant boxy sunglasses on me after I had my cataracts surgery and I assumed that only people my age are considered fashionable when they walk around looking like they’re playing a virtual reality game.
In conclusion, men, say nothing when you see these photos. There’s nothing you can say that will not leave a woman angry at you. Come to think of it, that doesn’t just apply to this photo but to literally everything else in life as well.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pull my taffy. I think I felt a tingle. Then again, it could be gas.