KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene report that upon realizing that only unattractive people were consumed by the mudslide, emergency service personnel turned around and went bowling instead, allowing all those uggos to die a slow, miserable death via mud suffocation. Yeesh. Mud in the lungs. Gotta hate it when that happens. Lucky for me, I’m Kurt Manley, the most handsome anchor in the news game, so I don’t have to worry about anything.
(Kurt looks to another camera)
KURT MANLEY: Good morning, USA. If you’re just waking up, it’s time to rub the krispies out of your eyeballs, maybe take a shower and brush your teeth because I’m sure you all stink. Don’t forget to put your used diapers outside. We’ve been getting reports here at NN1 that imbeciles all across our great nation have been allowing their used diapers to pile up in their homes until the stench becomes so unbearable that all occupants of the home pass out cold. Yes, America, our long, national nightmare is not over yet. The toilet gator is still on the loose and we’re receiving second hand reports from lesser rival news networks that he struck again, this time at an e-mail spammer convention in downtown Miami. Not sure why our Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties posted in South Florida wasn’t on this breaking story like stink on a monkey but don’t you worry folks, I’ll be chewing her out royally later.
In the meantime, to take your mind of all this, why don’t you put on a fresh diaper and take a load off, because world famous rapper Stank Daddy is in the studio, here to dish about everything from his sadness over the late Countess Cucamonga to his new album. Stank, thanks for joining us.
(Camera pans out to show STANK DADDY at the news desk with Kurt. STANK DADDY wears ten shiny, solid gold chains around his neck, sports a gold tooth in his mouth and wears a purple suit topped off by a leopard print fedora. He clutches a fancy cane with a giant diamond on top.)
STANK DADDY: Yo, what up, K-Dawg? What’s crack-a-lackin’?
KURT MANLEY: K-Dawg. I like it. Thank you for joining us, Stank.
STANK DADDY: It’s all good, cuz.
KURT MANELY: Stank, you’re one of the top artists in the music industry. How are you and your peers coping with the tragic loss of Countess Cucamonga?
STANK DADDY: Aw, shit…we…oops…can I say shit?
KURT MANLEY: This network literally has no standards, Stank. Our late night host is a foul mouthed parrot who gets coked up while he reads funny headlines.
STANK DADDY: Aight, cool. Shit man, losing the Countess hit us all hard. She had one of the phattest asses in the game.
KURT MANLEY: Some say Lady Cyanide’s ass is fatter.
STANK DADDY: Pbbht, fool, please. You could put Lady Cyanide’s entire booty in the lower left quadrant of Countess Cucamonga’s left ass cheek, or at least you could have before that punk ass toilet gator bit it off.
KURT MANLEY: You sound like you’re taking this hard.
STANK DADDY: I am, but I’m just glad I got to work the Countess on “Phat Ass Slapper.”
KURT MANLEY: Music historians I’ve spoken to tell me it is the best song ever recorded about slapping phat asses.
STANK DADDY: No doubt.
KURT MANLEY: If you could say something to the Countess right now, what would it be?
STANK DADDY: Aw, now you put me on the spot, son. I dunno. I’d just tell her to keep on being her and I hope she’s having fun being the finest ass bitch in heaven. Shit, can I say “bitch?”
KURT MANLEY: You sure can. Hell, I say it to every woman I know, from my mother to all of the interns running around the studio. Helps them stay grounded.
(Kurt takes a sip out of his coffee mug, then spits it out in a giant spray towards the camera. He then looks off camera to his left and holds up his mug.)
KURT MANLEY: Bitch! Did you really give K-Dawg instant coffee? You know K-Dawg don’t do no instant coffee, bitch!”
(Kurt sets his mug down on the desk)
KURT MANLEY: Sorry, Stank. Sometimes K-Dawg feels like he’s got to smack a bitch.
STANK DADDY: I hear you, K-Dawg.
KURT MANLEY: Which brings us to another topic. Your critics say your last single, “Smack a Bitch” is little more than violent, anti-female misogyny sugarcoat with a slick, happening beat. What do you say?
STANK DADDY: Bitch, please. I’m one of the nicest, pro-woman mother fuckers around. Can I say mother fucker?
KURT MANLEY: Eh, you’re venturing into a shady territory but I’ll allow it.
STANK DADDY: I’m no woman hater. Everyone knows I treat a bitch right.
KURT MANLEY: Settle the dispute, right here and right now. Is the song “Smack a Bitch” actually about smacking a bitch?
STANK DADDY: As in committing violence against women? No.
KURT MANLEY: Then what is it about?
STANK DADDY: Rising up against the system and turning it up on its ear, man.
KURT MANLEY: The vast majority of your songs have lyrics that seem to suggest violence against women, but you deny that’s what they’re about?
STANK DADDY: I do.
KURT MANLEY: OK. I will now read a list of your past hits and you tell me what these songs are about, if not violence against women.
STANK DADDY: Go for it.
KURT MANLEY: “Kick a Bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Standing up to oppression.
KURT MANLEY: “Punch a Bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Income inequality.
KURT MANLEY: “Karate Chop a Bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Media bias.
KURT MANLEY: Do you think I’m biased?
STANK DADDY: Nah, you aight.
KURT MANLEY: “Shoot a bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Saving the whales.
KURT MANLEY: “Set Fire to a Bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Global warming.
KURT MANLEY: “Blow Up a Bitch with Dynamite.”
STANK DADDY: Historic injustice.
KURT MANLEY: “Cut Up a Bitch with a Chainsaw.”
STANK DADDY: Wall street corruption.
KURT MANLEY: “Drop a Nuclear Warhead on a Bitch.”
STANK DADDY: Putting an end to hate speech.
KURT MANLEY: “Sunlight Sprinkles On a Soft Kitten’s Whisker.”
STANK DADDY: OK, now that one was about smacking a bitch around and I regret that but in my defense, I was in a dark place at the time. You see, I had just broken up with my girl and I…
(Kurt Manley pushes two fingers down on his earpiece.)
KURT MANLEY: Stank, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m receiving breaking news about a high speed chase involving the toilet gator…
STANK DADDY: Get the fuck outta here.
KURT MANLEY: OK, I can only let you have one more F-Bomb, Stank, and then I’m going to have to cut you off.
STANK DADDY: I did it.
(Footage of the chase plays. From the vantage point of Walter’s camera, the Yarikazi Diabo can be seen careening down the highway with the toilet gator close behind, snapping his jaws furiously. KURT MANLEY and STANK DADDY speak in voiceover conversation as the footage rolls.)
STANK DADDY: That is some fucked up shit.
KURT MANLEY: And that’s three.
STANK DADDY: Worth it.
KURT MANLEY: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a hot pursuit along Route 199, a highway that runs through the South Florida community of Sitwell, where, as you might recall, a college student was eaten on the toilet just days ago. We can see two men firing shots at the actual toilet gator himself.
STANK DADDY: Those are some crazy ass white people, Kurt. You won’t catch my ass getting anywhere near no toilet gator.
KURT MANLEY: Crazy ass white people indeed. My word, whoever is driving that sports car is doing it rather recklessly, as you can see folks, and…whoa…the car just narrowly missed clipping a cement truck. That would have been nasty.
STANK DADDY: That is one fat ass toilet gator, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: It certainly is. Goodness gracious, that big lizard is just cutting through every car he comes into contact with like a hot knife through butter. Look at the sheer, raw, unadulterated power of this monster.
STANK DADDY: The bullets are just bouncing off his ass.
KURT MANLEY: Yes and…oh my God! A live grenade was just fired at the toilet gator and it didn’t seem to phase him in the slightest.
STANK DADDY: Shit. Those crackas are gonna get their asses ate up.
KURT MANLEY: It seems that way. Hold on, I’m told our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Ass Titties is on the line while she’s driving a news van that’s keeping pace with this hot mess.
STANK DADDY: That doesn’t sound very safe to me, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Indeed it doesn’t. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, you’re on the air…
(NATALIE BROCK’s voice sounds garbled as she’s speaking on a cell phone.)
NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, as you can see, Cole Walker, the former police chief of Sitwell, his fellow officer Rusty Yates are engaged in a terrifying, high speed standoff with FBI agent Sharon Walker at the wheel.
KURT MANLEY: Yeah, yeah, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. But what’s up with you getting scooped on the e-mail spammer story?
NATALIE BROCK: Excuse me, Kurt?”
KURT MANLEY: Our lesser rivals got to the story about the toilet gator eating a couple of e-mail spammers this morning whereas you’ve yet to file a report on it. What’s wrong with you? You got lead in your pants or something?
(NATALIE BROCK emits a violent growl.)
NATALIE BROCK: You know what, Kurt? I’m tired of your bullshit!
KURT MANLEY: Now, now Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, calm down…
NATALIE BROCK: No! I will not calm down! And my name is not “Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties!” I’m not even a blonde chick with big titties!
KURT MANLEY: You’re not that hot either…
NATALIE BROCK: Fuck you, Kurt!”
STANK DADDY: Oh, snap!
NATALIE BROCK: My name is Natalie Brock and you will call me that from now on!
KURT MANLEY: OK, Natalie. Gee whiz, looks like we caught you at that time of the month.
STANK DADDY: The red menace waits for no man or beast, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Indeed it doesn’t, Stank Daddy. Indeed it doesn’t. Natalie, maybe you ought to just pull that van over and find a man to drive while you pop a Midol or something.
NATALIE BROCK: I’m tired of your shit, Kurt! I’m bringing you live footage of a high speed chase with a toilet gator and all you can do is…
KURT MANLEY: Whoa, hold on a second. I’m going to need to cut off your blabbermouth, Natalie, as it appears that two tractor trailer trucks have arrived on the scene.
NATALIE BROCK: Yes, Kurt. They’re being driven by Maude Fuller and Burt Hayes, a former dispatcher and current Sherriff’s deputy, respectively.
KURT MANLEY: The trucks are flanking the toilet gator in some sort of pincer maneuver and…oh my God! The left truck just slammed into the alligator and….wow….that had no effect on him whatsoever.
STANK DADDY: He just looks pissed off and ready to snack on some crackas, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Things are looking pretty dire here, Natalie.
NATALIE BROCK: They sure are, Kurt. This toilet gator has taken all sorts of punishment and he’s still moving.
STANK DADDY: Like my old lady when there’s a cake in the room. You get between her ass and that cake and your ass is gonna get straight up clotheslined, ya heard?
KURT MANLEY: I heard indeed, Stank Daddy. Hot Ass Blonde…er, I mean, Natalie…it looks like the rain is coming down pretty hard.
NATALIE BROCK: Yes, Kurt! It would appear that Hurricane Dakota Rothschild is now upon us.
KURT MANLEY: That’s sure to complicate matters.
NATALIE BROCK: No shit, Sherlock.
KURT MANLEY: You know, Natalie, I don’t think I care for your insubordinate tongue.
NATALIE BROCK: Oh, really Kurt? Funny, that’s not what you said about my tongue the other day…
(Natalie plays the recording Walter made of Kurt’s dirty talk)
RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: I’ll have a steak, medium-rare. You’ll have a salad that you’ll just play with but won’t eat because God knows NN1 can’t be allowing any porkers on the air and we don’t want you getting chubby. Then you’ll come up to my penthouse. We’ll have a nightcap, maybe dance a little and then you’ll lick my taint.
(KURT MANLEY stares blankly at the camera. His face turns red.)
STANK DADDY: Damn, Kurt! You a straight up freak, playa!
KURT MANLEY: What? That wasn’t me.
RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: My orgasms will be more of a priority than yours. I can’t go on TV unless Little Kurty has been drained of all his buttermilk.
RECORDING OF NATALIE BROCK: Little Kurty?
RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: My penis. My big ole famous news penis, the one attached to America’s favorite anchorman. He needs to say hello to your kitty cat.
KURT MANLEY: Ha, ha, Natalie. Very funny. Enough of this clever little parlor trick. What did you hire someone to do an impression of me or something? Because, you know, now isn’t exactly the time to….
STANK DADDY: Shit! You see that?
KURT MANLEY: What?
STANK DADDY: That dude with the one leg just put a new leg on and jumped his ass out the car and now he’s riding the alligator like a damn pony! That’s some old school gangsta shit right there.
(KURT MANLEY straightens his tie)
KURT MANLEY: Gangsta shit indeed.
RECORDING OF KURT MANLEY: Oh I’m sure no one told you but it’s sort of an unwritten rule that each and every one of our Hot Ass Blonde Chick Reporters with Big Titties has to take at least one ride on the wet and wild Kurt slide.
KURT MANLEY: OK, that’s enough! Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to take a brief commercial break while we try to talk Natalie down off her PMS ledge. After that, we’ll stay with the toilet gator chase for the duration. We won’t be going to sports or weather anytime soon and hell, we won’t even make you wait to find out which brand of toilet paper gives you anal scars. It’s Schmelman’s. That’s right. Schmelman’s Brand Toilet Paper will make the inside of your ass look like Beirut. You going anywhere, Stank Daddy?
STANK DADDY: I am not, Kurt. This is the most fun I’ve had in my entire life and I eat cereal out of a platinum chalice on a bed full of bitches every morning.
KURT MANLEY: Stank Daddy and I will be back in a jiff, monitoring the toilet gator chase as it develops.
ANNOUNCER: Network News One! The hottest blonde chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit!
KURT MANLEY (VOICE OVER): Someone fire that bitch immediately!
DAN THE PRODUCER: We’re still live, Kurt.
KURT MANLEY: Son of a…