Intergalactic Correspondent/Non-Pants Wearer Alien Jones
Greetings Earth Losers.
Alien Jones here, beaming this column directly to your primitive computing devices from the farthest reaches of the Omekulon Cluster. I don’t want to disparage the fine folks of this Cluster, but let’s just say, they didn’t invent the term, “Clusterf*%k” for nothing.
How have you 3.5 humans been? I feel we haven’t chatted in awhile. I could say I miss it but, you know, the dictatorial regime that presides over my home planet didn’t clone a liar.
As you know, this is the only column in the universe where pitiful humans have an opportunity to ask questions of me, an all knowing alien.
This one comes Shelly Ruckschplittle of Doofendorf, Montana:
Dear Alien Jones,
How do aliens poop? I have always wanted to know and I spend several hours a day pondering this question.
Several hours a day? Shelly, I hate to channel BQB’s Uncle Hardass, but seriously, get a job.
The immediate answer is, “It depends.” All living beings remove waste. Some just do it more efficiently than others.
For example, highly refined clones such as myself have been tricked out so that our tummies are essentially spontaneous combustion machines. Thus, I can eat and eat and eat and never gain any weight. My food is converted to energy and any excess is burned up with no need for poop.
Therefore, my only orifice is my mouth. The rest of me is airtight.
Here are how some other aliens poop:
- Splattavarians poop gold coins. No one is poor on Splattavaria. However, banks are very smelly.
- Fozdavoks poop fire. Every bathroom is equipped with a titanium bucket and a fire extinguisher. Chili night has been banned ever since Fozdavok City was wiped out.
- Mayorps poop songs. Hilarious yet true. Just take a Mayorp out to dinner and be prepared for a heartwarming rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.” You’ll cry from the oniony aroma.
- Hoobavongs poop black holes. Ironic isn’t it? Black holes emanating from their black holes. Many hoobavongian proctologists have been lost. Where did they end up? Your guess is as good as mine.
- Chuzzlefrings can actually transfer their poops to one another. Thus, if you’re a very busy Chuzzlefring with no time to poop, you can transfer your poop to your assistant. The most common frat party gag is for everyone to transfer their poops to a sleepy Chuzzlefring, who then ends up pooping a mountain in the morning.
I could get into the beings who poop radiation, disease, famine, locusts, and autographed photos of Justin Bieber, but I won’t bore you. Suffice to say, there are many aliens who poop in strange, magical ways.
Thank you for your attention, 3.5 readers. As always, stay on BQB’s back and continue to encourage him to write his novels in order to appease the Mighty Potentate. (I don’t even want to get into the details of how the Mighty Potentate poops. I could tell you, but he’d have me vaporized).
All Hail the Mighty Potentate and His Most Glorious, Awe-Inspiring Poops.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.