By: Alien Jones (Special Guest Contributor)
Greetings pathetic 3.5 human readers.
Do not attempt to adjust your computer. I have taken control of bookshelfbattle.com
To pronounce my name would require you to rub sandpaper on your tongue for three hours and then stretch it out while a musician strums it like a ukulele string. Neither of us have time for that, so you may simply refer to me as “Alien Jones.”
This name was carefully selected after I asked the computer on my spaceship to determine a name that the insignificant human mind could wrap itself around. It came down to either “Alien Jones” or “Goofy Space Man.” I selected the most dignified option of the two.
Do not embarrass yourself by asking what planet I hail from. By edict of my emperor, I am forbidden to tell you. My home world has passed legislation known as the “Keep the Humans from Finding Us So Our Airwaves Are Not Filled with Reality Television Act.” Violation will result in me being slapped unconscious with my own ganderflazer.
First and foremost, I’d like to take this opportunity to share a public service announcement. My home world banned the practice of human probing over a thousand years ago, in the year you would refer to as 1015 A.D. At that time, our revered team of scientists and medical doctors announced they had discovered all there is to be learned through endoscopic exploration of human nether regions.
The practice was banned but, alas, even a highly intelligent species such as mine is not without its weirdoes. Rogue aliens have been conducting their own unsanctioned probing missions to your planet for an entire millennium. Many of you simple folk have been duped into being willing participants.
Therefore, please be aware that if an alien demands to probe you in the name of intergalactic science, he is acting alone and not under the authority of the emperor of my home world. You may comply if you so choose, or you may beat him with his own ganderflazer. The decision is entirely yours.
Now that I have dispensed with the pleasantries, I shall explain why I have briefly taken control of this blog.
I am not going to sugar coat it, Earth. You dudes are really screwing the pooch. You have a planet capable of sustaining life. Many species, including my own, recognize this miracle and act accordingly. You people?
Compare the accomplishments of my world vs. yours:
MY WORLD: Our scientists have eradicated all diseases and remedied all bodily maladies. We live happy, pain free lives. Hospitals are non-existent as they are no longer necessary.
EARTH: Has yet to cure cancer or heart disease, yet erectile dysfunction pills are in abundant supply. Prioritize much, losers?
MY WORLD: All media is downloaded directly to our brains.
EARTH: The device you call an iPad was used by our prehistoric cave aliens to wipe their expectorant holes. We felt sorry for you nimrods, watching you tether yourselves to your televisions and computers that we decided to throw you a bone and beam the idea into the brain of renowned computer scientist, Mr. Steven Jobs.
MY WORLD: We have mastered intergalactic space travel.
EARTH: You people have barely mastered the Pontiac Aztec.
MY WORLD: We have developed 4D television which allows you to enter and live as a character in your favorite program.
EARTH: Breaking Bad. OK. We will give you that one.
Aside from Breaking Bad, an idea we totally beamed into the mind of Mr. Vincent Gilligan, your planet is really stinking up the universe, Earthlings.
And to help you unstink yourselves, we beamed the idea to create this blog straight into the mind of Bookshelf Q. Battler. Yes, this site is an ongoing chronicle of one man’s love of books, movies, media, writing, and tales from his magic bookshelf.
But we zapped the idea to create this blog into Mr. Bookshelf’s mind. We even implanted him with the idea to blog once a day for a year.
Because we have identified Bookshelf Q. Battler as the most awesome dude on your planet, and frankly, given the pool of talent you’ve got down there, that isn’t saying much. Even so, this guy is pretty awesome, so you should all listen to him….and follow his blog…and follow his twitter…and follow him on Google Plus…and sing songs of his awesomeness from the rooftops. Also, bake him chocolate chip cookies.
Are you still unconvinced? Here is a smattering of what the most awesome individual on your pitiful planet has been up to lately:
When the F$%k Should Your Characters Swear? – Yes. Delightful. The worst swear in my language would require you to pull out your tongue and jump rope with it. You could never pronounce it and I certainly hope you never encounter a situation in which you deem it necessary to utter it.
A Review of Birdman – Even we aliens agree Michael Keaton was robbed. 1989 Batman forever!
A Response from the Yeti – Do you know any other bloggers willing to fight a snow beast just to blog for you? I thought not.
Those are just three of the best posts written by Bookshelf Q. Battler this month. I could go on and on all day about the awesomeness he has put into the universe over the past year.
And to help him garner the attention of more than a paltry 3.5 readers, I will, from time to time, take control of this blog through my space ship’s super computer and remind you of his latest contributions to your planet’s supply of cool stuff.
Your planet is lagging, Earthlings. Bookshelf Q. Battler will help you catch up. Continue to follow his blog, and maybe one day we will allow your species to sit at the intergalactic adults’ table.
Thank you for reading. You may now return to your programs about Kardashians and pizzas with crusts stuffed with cheese, as if you all aren’t portly enough already.
Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org