Monthly Archives: October 2017

Bookshelf Battle Log #1 – 10/28/17 – Zom-bo-ween

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Happy Halloween weekend, 3.5 readers.

Oh what a holiday.  Started by Puritans to ward off evil spirits and now grown ass adults use it as an excuse to have as much cheap, meaningless sex as possible.  How times have changed.

Alas, I won’t be at BQB HQ this ‘Ween to pass out treats but fear not for there will be no tricks.  My trusty security chief, Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, will be left behind to dispense treats and his own brand of canine philosophy to any little miscreants who happen to stop by.

What could get me out of my compound on my favorite holiday?  Zombies.  Yes!  Zombies.  It seems there has been a zombie invasion in Pittsburgh so the good people of this fair city got together and asked yours truly to save them.  Gotta say that is literally the one and only reason I’d ever actually visit Pittsburgh because, let me tell you, this place is the pits.

While I’m away, why don’t you read some of the fabulous interviews I conducted of zombie authors in October of 2015?  Yes, people with actual successful writing careers were willing to talk to me.  31 zombie authors to be exact, one a day for 31 days. Plus, you’ll find the journal I kept while East Randomtown was being ransacked by hideous brain chompers.

Remember, 3.5 readers, wear your helmets because this zombie hunter can’t be everywhere.  Protect your gray matter because without it, you won’t be able to think and more importantly, you won’t be able to read my blog or my book and, well, come to think of it, critics have called my work pretty brainless so…sure, I guess if you want to give up your brains to a hungry zombie, be my guest.  Who am I to stand in your way?  I just don’t advise it from a medical standpoint.  I mean, I’m no doctor but I just can’t help that physically losing your brains would be good for you.

I don’t do.  Don’t take my word for it.  Don’t take a zombie’s word for it easier because, you know, they’re biased.  Also, the only word they can say is, “BRAINS!”  Just do your research.

Check out those interviews here.

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Top Ten Halloween Movies

Count Krakovich is the dumbest vampire ever but he knows how to make a good movie list:

Top Ten Halloween Movies

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Top Ten Halloween Songs

Top Ten Halloween Songs

Bookshelf Battle

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It’s time to get this Halloween party started right, 3.5 readers.

If you’ve got a pad full of fly ass witch hunnies and dope ass Frankensteins, they’re going to want to boogie, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Halloween Songs:

#10 – “Season of the Witch” – Donovan

An oldie but a goodie. Has that 1960s vibe with an eerie twist. Also, it is about witches so there you go.

#9 – Monster – Kanye West, Jay-Z, Nicki Minaj and a Plethora of Other Rappers

This one’s relatively new, having come out in this decade. However, it uses “monster” in a double meaning. You can assume that they’re rapping about being a monster as in being bad in order to get ahead or you can actually assume they’re rapping about become real ass monsters.

Nicki Minaj pretty much became known for…

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More Offensive Halloween Costumes

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3.5 readers it is important to remember this Halloween that your costume could offend anyone at any time.  Here are some more costumes to avoid and why they are offensive:

Transformer – Offensive to anyone who has ever wanted to make a big change in life.  Only wear if you have transformed into something else.

Butterfly – Offensive.  Assumes the caterpillar was never beautiful.  Why did you pick the butterfly over the caterpillar you looks obsessed prick?

Hamburger – Offensive to hungry people.  Also, cows.

Sexy Anything – Offensive to people who are sexy.

Chicken – offensive to poultry

Homer Simpson – Offensive to cartoon people

Ninja – Offensive to Japanese.  Also, ancient assassins.

Skeleton – Offensive to skinny people.  Also, skeletons.

The Mad Hatter – Offensive to the mentally unstable.  Also, professional hat makers.

Mobster – Offensive to Italians.  However, do not assume that all Italians are mobsters.  Just assume they will be offended.

Mad Scientist – Offensive to the insane and also scientists.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle – Only wear if you are 1) a teenager 2) a mutant 3 a ninja and 4) a turtle.  I don’t care what your 14 year old son says.  Being a teenage without the other three boxes checked is not enough,.

 

Cultural Appropriation and Halloween Costumes – A List of What Costumes Your Kid Should Not Wear

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Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it a scenario worth an entire article? Probably not.

Second, the article contains this quote:

The original article, written by Sachi Feris, discusses how her white daughter was torn between dressing as Elsa, from Frozen, or the titular character from Moana. Feris expresses concern that while an Elsa costume might reinforce notions of white privilege, dressing up as Moana is essentially cultural appropriation — the act of reducing someone’s culture to stereotypes, and thereby belittling it.

So if you’re a little white girl, don’t dress up like Elsa because Elsa has white privilege but also don’t dress up like Moana because you aren’t Polynesian at all.

In other words…don’t dress up like a character that has any kind of ethnicity?  So…if you’re a white kid, just don’t dress up like a human.  Be an inanimate object.  Go as a rock.  Better yet, just stay home, you little cracker devils.  Your ancestors got all the candy for far too long and it’s time you took a breather.

You know I’ll meet the SJWs half-way and realize that yeah, when there are tons of other costumes out there, a costume that calls for a white kid to change ethnicity isn’t the greatest.

Then again, if a white girl just wants to wear the Moana dress, isn’t she just idolizing Moana?  Isn’t a little white girl so in awe of a non-white person that she wants to emulate and be just like her hero?  That non-white people can be role models for white people to look up to and be like, isn’t more of that what we want?

Plus, if they harangue the costume companies enough, won’t they discontinue the costume?  And then what will all the Polynesian girls who want to dress like Moana wear?

Do I think kids should be changing their skin color to become another ethnicity for a Halloween costume?  No.  Is it ok if a white kid wears a costume worn by a non-white character?  I mean, I can listen to why you might find that offensive, but I’d counter that if you are white and feel this strongly, then run to your closet immediately and throw away your kimono and your Hawaiian shirt.

Shit.  I’m not Hawaiian and my goal in life is to move to a tropical environment and wear nothing but a vast array of brightly colored Hawaiian shirts with parrots and palm trees on them.  Oh well.  #WorseThanHitler

Cultural appropriation.  It’s when you venture outside of your culture.  Yup.  We used to be segregated.  Whites stayed on their part of town, blacks on theirs, different ethnicities to their own.  Then the SJWS of the 1960s called on us to become the melting pot.  Everyone mix and mingle.  Date outside your race.  Get ideas from other cultures.  If culture X has good food, eat it.  If culture Y has good booze, drink it.  If culture Z has good music, listen to it.  If culture A has cool clothes, wear them.

Ironically, today’s SJWs, though I don’t think they realize it, are returning us to segregation.  Everyone stick to your own culture and never let your cultures mingle with other cultures lest you offend.

With all that being said, here is my handy list of what your kid SHOULD NOT be wearing this Halloween season, lest they offend someone, somewhere:

Smurf – No.  Offensive to short people with oxygen flow problems that make their faces blue.

Devil – Offensive to Satanists.

Witch – Offensive to Wiccans.

Batman – Offensive to Bats and/or grown men still grieving over the loss of their parents.

Superman – Offensive to intergalactic travelers.  You may only wear this costume if the lack of a red sun gives you super powers.

Wonder Woman – Are you an Amazon?  No?  Stop being worse than Hitler.

Spooky Ghost – Offensive to spirits who are trapped here and unable to move on.

Zombie – Offensive to dead people.  Many kids have dead Grandmas who have been in the ground a few years and look like zombies.  Stop offending kids with dead Grandmas.

Cat – Only if you are a cat.

Pirate – Offensive to 17th Century sea-dwelling criminals.

The Little Mermaid – Offensive to mermaids.

Mickey Mouse – Only if you are a mouse that walks like a man.

Donald Duck – Offensive to pantsless ducks with anger management issues everywhere.

Goofy – Only if you are a dog that walks like a man.

Nerd – offensive to smart people.

Caveman – Offensive to those with evolutionary issues.

Mike Myers – Offensive to escaped mental patients who want to kill their sisters or Canadian comedians who had a good run in the 1990s, depending on which version you go with.

Hippy – Offensive to 1960s protesters.  Only wear if you were at Woodstock.  Must carry photographic proof of you at Woodstock.

Bunny – Offensive to anyone with big ears.

Sexy nurse – Offensive to people who actually put the time in to get a nursing degree.

Iron Man – Offensive to billionaires turned super heroes.

Spiderman – Offensive to nerds who have been bitten by radioactive spiders.

The Incredible Hulk – Offensive to people with anger management issues.

Nun – Offensive to Catholics.

Shaggy from Scooby Doo – Offensive to drug addicts.

Belle – Offensive to French women.

Beast – Offensive to hairy French men.

Wolverine – offensive to people who have had a complex surgery to have their bones replaced with super strong steel.

Catwoman – Offensive to cats and catwomen.

That Costume Where One Friend is the Front of the Horse and the Other Friend is the Back – Offensive to horses everywhere

That Costume Where the Husband Wheres the Plug and the Wife Wears the Slot – Assumes that sex is the only benefit of marriage.  Very offensive.  Also offends people who use electricity.

Count Dracula – Promulgates the stereotype that all Romanians want to suck your blood.  Recent studies indicate 99.999 percent do not.

Frankenstein – Offensive to people who are comprised of body parts taken from other dead bodies.

The Mummy – Offensive to Egyptians.

The Wolfman – Offensive to hairy people.

Clown – Let me see your Child Party Entertainer’s license buddy.

Flapper – Were you alive in the 1920s?  Only Great Grandma can wear this shit.

Ancient Knight – I’m going to have to see the Queen do that thing where she touches your shoulders with the sword.

Harry Potter – I need to see your Hogwart’s diploma.  Otherwise, offensive to actual wizards who worked hard to earn their wands.

Hobo – Do you want to make rail yard dwellers cry?

CONCLUSIONS:

People, really, there’s no costume you could possibly wear that will not offend anyone.  I mean, you could go as a rock, but I’m telling you, you are just begging for a geologist to come up and give you a piece of his mind.

So just stay home, wear clothing consistent with those of your ancestors and only YOUR ancestors, and watch TV and eat candy that you buy and pay for yourself.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

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Reblog: Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Zombie

Is your girlfriend a zombie, 3.5 readers? Better find out before your brain gets chomped…munch munch…

Bookshelf Battle

In case you missed it, 3.5 readers, or in case you are worried that your girlfriend might be a zombie.

shutterstock_142859422Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Zombie

Oh, who am I kidding?

If you’re reading this blog you don’t have a girlfriend (Womp womp womp womp waaa).

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Is My Girlfriend a Witch?

Halloween is around the corner, 3.5 readers. Is your girlfriend a witch? Better check this top ten list to find out.

Bookshelf Battle

First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter.  That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel.  At least I think she is.  She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.

Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”

Listen bros.  I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…

Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:

https://bookshelfbattle.com/2016/05/04/top-ten-warning-signs-your-girlfriend-might-be-a-witch-2/

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Bitches be green, y’all.

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Top Ten Halloween Movies

Bleh! Count Krackovich with a list of the Top Ten Best Halloween Movies, bleh!

Bookshelf Battle

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

3.5 readers, you have spent the past month defeating many vampires with my sage wisdom, so now it is time to treat yourself to a monster movie marathon!

Without further ado, here is a list of the Top Ten Horror Films you should watch this Halloween:

#10 – Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero invented the zombie genre with his 1968 classic.  It’s low budget but that’s ok.  Creepy hands busting through the walls of a house cost little but scare lots.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara.”  Scary!

#9 – Nightmare on Elm Street Series (Started in 1984 then Kind of Went On Forever)

Notorious child murderer Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) beats a murder rap on a technicality but gets burned alive by neighborhood parents in an act of vigilante justice.

Freddy, with his burned up face, fedora, striped turtleneck…

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Best Donald Trump Impression Ever

The Trumpster ( or not) calls me a big league low energy loser:

TV Review – Rick and Morty

Oh my God, Morty!  We have to review a show about Rick and Morty, Morty!  BURP!  The review has to be good, Morty!  The BQB Blog only has 3.5 readers, Morty!  What are we going to do, Morty?

Hey 3.5.  So after years of hearing about Rick and Morty, I finally checked it out and I am hooked.  I haven’t laughed so hard in so long.  That’s a good thing because I thought comedy had more or less died.

The first thing is this is a TV show on Adult Swim and is NOT for kids at all.  Surprising, for some reason I did think it was a kids’ show but I was wrong.  Lots of gratuitous sex talk, innuendo, situations and swears galore.

The gist is that Rick Sanchez is a Grandpa who, after disappearing for 20 years, returns to his family.  He is a mad scientist and in this show, the most intelligent being of all time, yet it’s hard to wrap your head around it because he is always burping and swearing and engaging in boorish behavior.  Confusing things is that Rick often uses his scientific know-how to travel a) through space b) through time and c) through time lines…meaning more than one version of himself pops up often.

Rick drags his nerdy grandson Morty along on his adventures and it really tears Morty up.  Morty just wants to be a regular kid and can’t deal with the stress of being his grandpa’s intergalactic time traveling helper.  Is this a metaphor about sometimes kids have to grow up too early and help their elders?  Maybe.

Anyway, it has given me a lot of laughs.  I recommend it, Morty.

Burp.  Time to end the review, Morty.  Because we have to, Morty.

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