BQB hides his ugliness.
For those members of the 3.5 reader club just joining us, I have long been the world’s foremost Ugly Rights Advocate. I have put myself out there, time and time again, to help the world see ugly people not as the trolls and hobgoblins they are perceived as, but rather, as the kind-hearted, productive members of society they are.
Yes, I am the Malcolm X of all ugly people. We didn’t choose to look like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces. We were just born looking like Plymouth Rock landed on our faces.
Further, I try to get beautiful people to understand the depths of their pretty privilege. When you look good, the world is good to you. From job opportunities to relationships to virtually every aspect of life, it’s pretty clear that the more people want to bang you, the more doors will open for you (because the people holding the doors hope that by opening the door you’ll bang them. It’s up to you if you bang them but that’s a whole other post all together.)
At no time is pretty privilege more on full display than Oscar season. According to the Fake Institute of Bogus Statistics, 99% of Americans are working so hard that they don’t have time to eat right, exercise, follow fashion trends or even pop their zits or get proper haircuts. That means that 99% of Americans are very ugly and yet it’s only the best looking 1% who land all the plum movie roles.
Sadly, many children who are very, very ugly will turn on the Oscars this year only to see a bunch of people being given awards for being pretty. Ugly children will then learn that Hollywood wants nothing to do with them or their wretched, hideous little faces, causing them to cry themselves to sleep.
After a couple of years of trying to get the #OscarsSoPretty hashtag trending (I am the foremost proponent of this hashtag) I’d hoped that the Academy would take notice and put some ugly people into the awards mix but alas, I have been stymied again.
Just look at the movies that have been nominated:
#1 – Call Me By Your Name – Armie Hammer looks like the product of Greek God/Goddess sex. Next!
#2 – Darkest Hour – Eh, Gary Oldman is only borderline ugly. He looks more like an average person the most but he isn’t truly ugly. He’s not mirror crackingly ugly. But the kicker is that whenever a part calls for a character to be ugly, a non-ugly actor is hired to fill the role. Winston Churchill was fat and bald so naturally they hire an actor who is skinny and hairy to play the part, rather than give it to some bald and fat actor who really needs the work. Next!
#3 – Dunkirk – A vast array of stud muffins playing World War II heroes. Please. WWII heroes were too busy fighting Fritz to worry about their looks. Next!
#4 – Get Out – Hollywood appears to be trying harder in recent years to greenlight projects that highlight African American contributions to culture and society. That’s good, but while the race barriers are coming down, the looks barriers remain. In short, Hollywood will give actors of various races a shot, but no matter the race, you have to be good looking. Next!
#5 – Lady Bird – Saroise….Sarisa? I don’t know how to say that girl’s name. She’s hot. Aren’t there any good coming of age stories about ugly girls? Next!
#6 – The Phantom Thread – Daniel Day Lewis may be getting older, but Hollywood always celebrates older actors if they gave ladies some lady boners in their heyday. Next!
#7 – The Post – See #6 and apply to Hanks and Streep.
#8 – The Shape of Water – A love story between a beautiful lady janitor and a fish man. Naturally, the fish man part is developed through CGI rather than give the part to, say, an actor who actually looks like a damn fish. All the fish man actors are crying because when their families said, “You’ll never make it in Hollywood! They’ll never hire a fish man to be an actor!” they now know their families were right.
#9 – Three Billboards – See #6 and apply to McDormand and Rockwell.
GET THE HASHTAG TRENDING!
Are you ugly? Of course you are. You wouldn’t be reading this blog if you were a good looking person with a full social calendar. If you’re as mad as you are ugly about the lack of ugly actor representation, then help me get #OscarsSoPretty trending so the Academy will start getting recognition to ugly actors so ugly children who dream, despite advice from all the good looking people around them, of ending up on the silver screen can make their dream a reality.