Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here.
Apparently, every problem in Switzerland has been solved because lawmakers there have banned the practice of boiling lobsters while they are still alive. I have no idea why this was a big concern.
I can only assume some Swiss scientist somewhere was really concerned that the lobsters go through a very traumatic experience while they are being boiled. Their whole entire little lobster lives flash before their beady little eyes – their lobster childhoods spent playing stickball, their first date to the lobster prom, their lobster marriages, the birth of their lobster children, even their lobster divorces.
Some say if you listen closely, you can even hear them shout out all of their regrets. Why, I once boiled a lobster and he was such a big guy that he was left with an entire hour to regale me with a story about “the one who got away.” He was a foreign lobster exchange student. She was a French lobster coquette. Their lobster parents despised one another and oh, how he wished he’d stood up to his domineering lobster father just once and embraced his one and only chance at true love.
Poor guy. He was so bitter I had to dip him in extra butter. :::rimshot:::
Anyway, long story short, if you are Swiss (and my condolences if you are) you now must murder your lobster before you boil it, so without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Ways to Murder A Lobster to Death in the Wake of Switzerland’s Ban on Boiling Lobsters.
#10 – Firing Squad
Blindfold the lobster, line him up against the wall, pop a cigarette in his mouth and hand out rifles to all kitchen staff. Only one rifle has a live round so staff can comfort themselves with the possibility that they did not fire the lethal shot.
#9 – Hanging
Construct a tiny gallows on every table in every seafood restaurant. What a fun family activity this will be. Mom can tie a little noose around the little guy’s neck. Dad can read the lobster his last rites. Junior can pull the lever and the entire family can watch as the little crustacean twists and wiggles and sputters until his last breath.
I’m sure there’s room for scientific debate here. Is it possible to even hang a lobster with all that armor?
#8 – Lobster War
Bribe greedy politicians to declare war on the lobster population of a foreign country. Draft domestic lobsters to go overseas to fight and die in a pointless, unpopular war. Enjoy the tasty lobster flesh as the lobster military industrial complex is promulgated into perpetuity.
#7 – Lobster Drive-By
Find some aspiring, up and coming street gangsters who want to increase their street cred. Put the lobster tank in the window and when you hear the words, “Break yo-self, lobster!” it’s time to eat.
#6 – Lobster Electric Chair
I feel like that’s just as problematic as boiling the lobsters. Either way, they’re being cooked alive.
#5 – Lobster Guillotine
Dress the lobsters up as 19th Century French royalty. Give them powdered wigs and crowns, paint their faces white and give them elaborate, frilly clothing. Place their heads on the chopping block and voila! Viva la revolucion!
Will this work if the lobsters aren’t dressed as French royalty? Yes. Will it be as fun? I mean, if you were having fun doing this anyway, you were a sick person to begin with. Seriously, shame on you for even reading this far.
#4 – Lobster Hitmen
Hire two highly trained assassins to whack the lobsters when they least suspect it. These can be human or lobster assassins. Bonus points if you hire lobsters to hit the other lobsters and dress the hit lobsters as Vincent and Jules from “Pulp Fiction.”
Double bonus points if you train one of the lobsters to give the “Path of the Righteous Lobster” speech.
Ahem. The path of the righteous lobster is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyrannies of evil lobsters…
#3 – Lobster Lethal Injection
You could poison the lobster but then, who would want to eat a poisoned lobster? I mean, then again, people who eat lobsters are willingly licking their lips at a plate containing the dead carcass of what appears to be a giant mutant space cockroach so, those people will probably eat anything.
At any rate, my lawyer tells me this is a bad idea so no one should do it. Actually, no one should do or read anything on this blog ever at any time ever at all.
#2 – Lobster Explosion
Give the lobster an explosive device with twenty seconds on the counter and a pair of wire cutters. Red? Green? Will the lobster pick the right one? And why give him wire cutters when he has pinchers? Heck, if the lobster saves the day, give him a reprieve.
#1 – Lobster Suicide
Ridicule the lobster. Get him fired from his lobster job. Show him pictures of his lobster wife having hot, steamy lobster sex with his lobster best friend. Tell him his lobster kids are calling his lobster friend daddy now.
Ruin his lobster finances. Drive him into lobster bankruptcy. Leave him with no hope and then leave him on the edge of the counter. Walk away and I mean…if the little guy leaps to his doom, well, that’s a tragedy but is it made any better by letting all that delicious lobster meat go to waste?
Then again, you’d be eating something that fell on the floor, so, eww…