Daily Archives: January 6, 2018

Is Comedy Dying? Dave Chapelle’s Angry Fan in His New Netflix Special

Hey 3.5 readers.

Dave Chapelle’s latest Netflix special just dropped and as usual, it’s funny as hell.  This man is one of my longtime favorites, and he’s actually getting better with age, bringing a lot of experience and wisdom to his comedy.

I’ve been keeping track of the death of comedy for awhile now.  It’s unfortunate, but the masses are losing their sense of humor, opting to adopt the outrage culture instead.

In his special, Dave talks about his own concerns that people are just getting too sensitive and that’s having a negative impact on comedy.  He talks about one show he did where an Asian woman and her Mexican husband attended.  The woman was pregnant, he said “the baby will be the hardest working baby ever” – ironically, a complimentary joke saying Asians and Mexicans work hard, yet the woman stormed off and later wrote stern letter to his promoter asking that he stop promoting Chapelle.

Sigh.  Even the great Dave Chapelle is worried about the future of comedy.  The next generation of comedians is going to have it tough.

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Buy My Book!

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Just a regularly scheduled begging session, asking you, my beloved 3.5 readers, to buy my book, “BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.”

It’s 99 cents.  Honestly, other than a trip to the nudey bar, this is the best value you’ll ever get for a dollar.

I mean I don’t want to spell it out, but if you walk up to a nudey bar and wave a single dollar bill around, a stripper will show you her hey-nanner-nanner.  At least, they usually do.  I can’t guarantee they will.

But you’re upstanding citizens who don’t frequent such terrible places.  So check out my fine book.  You know you want it.

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The Shelfies – 2017 Award Season

Movie reviewer on what was supposed to be a book blog, Bookshelf Q. Battler, here.

I love movies and I watched a lot of them in 2017, so without further ado, the Shelfies.  Here’s the quick overview, and I’ll try to remember to reblog the reviews I wrote of these films in the coming days.

#1 – BEST FILM  – Wonder Woman

It’s the first comic book movie I’ve seen where an Oscar worthy case could be made.  Female empowerment though they weren’t preachy about it, blend of historic fiction and fantasy.  A good plot that kept the Warner Brothers DC films going even though the others have been stinkers.  It doesn’t hurt that images of Gal Gadot can give a man a boner from 50 paces.

RUNNER UP 1 – Logan

It was a year for semi-artistic, plot driven comic book movies.  Logan was a good case study on the ravages of time and how getting older can screw the best of us up.

RUNNER UP 2 – Get Out

Interesting, original movie about race relations.  Dramas about interracial issues might go a long way to alert the public, but a twisted, half-horror, half-dry/dark/understated humor comedy does a lot more.

#2 – WORST FILM – The Emoji Movie

Attention Hollywood.  The “what if inanimate objects could talk?” premise worked with toys in “Toy Story” because kids actually think their toys are alive.  It worked with Cars because little boys love cars.  No one, and I mean no one, ever gave a shit about what the emojis on their phone might be thinking.  Stop.  Just stop.  Seriously.  If you find yourself thinking, “I wonder what X inanimate thing is thinking,” just stop thinking about it because no one cares.

RUNNER UP 1 – The Mummy

I hate to do this, because there were parts of this film I liked, but Universal’s Dark Universe series didn’t get off to a good start.  I just don’t think people were longing for the Mummy and the Wolfman and Frankenstein and Dracula to get the band back together.  Good writing in this first film might have gotten people to want that, but Universal reached for the immersive cinema world and didn’t really grab the apple.  It just doesn’t leave you hoping for a Frankenstein movie where you’d be like, “OMG I hope Tom Cruise makes a cameo.”

RUNNER UP 2 – Transformers: The Last Knight

By God, I have no idea how Michael Bay manages to screw up a series about ten story tall outer space robots who can turn into cars and planes, complete with two warring factions fighting over an ancient grudge but by damn it if Michael Bay doesn’t figure out how to do this each and every time.

Bay’s sweeping disaster movie style was never a good fit for this franchise.  Too much focus on the humans.  We usually get the humans reacting to all these robots fighting but the robots were always the stars of the 1980s cartoon show.  Hate to be one of those nerds who whines about reboots of shows from his childhood, but the next director would be wise to check out the source material.

Seriously.  The Decepticons believe they are the master robot race and they have a right to suck all the resources out of Earth for their own personal use.  The Autobots believe they serve a higher purpose and must act as Earth’s guardians.  Good material for a good story.  Next time, let the robots take the wheel and put the humans in the back seat.

#4 – BEST COMEDY – The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Comedy is dead.  It’s so dead.  Hollywood is so afraid of offending anyone that most comedy films are filled with bland, predictable jokes now.  Go see “The House” if you don’t believe me.

Ryan Reynolds and Sam Jackson were funny together.  Lots of action.  I judge the best comedy by how much I laugh and this gave me the most laughs of the year.

#5 – BEST ANIMATED FILM – Lego Batman

Enough said, really.

#6 – BEST FILM THAT DESERVED MORE PLAY – Wind River

It’s important to know how Native Americans were screwed in the past, but this movie also shows us how Native Americans are getting screwed right now, today, you know, during the time we’re actually living so we might be able to effect change by writing our Congressman or some shit.

YOUR THOUGHTS

I want to hear what you thought about the movies you saw in 2017.  Tell me in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

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Things that Really Frost My Ass – I Wish Cell Phones Had Never Been Invented

By: Uncle Hardass, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent

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Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.  Your old Uncle Hardass here.  Happy New Year.  None of you have resolved to get jobs, I see.  Everyone’s resolved to try even harder to be writers, I take it.  “Oh, look at me!  Fiddle dee dee!  I want to be a writer because my thoughts are so important they must be shared with the world!”

Oh, screw it, write away.  See if I care.  I don’t want to complain about that.  I feel like complaining about cell phones instead, because I’m telling you, the cell phone is truly the worst contraption ever invented.  I rue that day that Sir Isaac Cellington figured out how to make them.  Screw that guy and the horse he rode in on.

3.5 readers, when I was a kid, if you needed to get in touch with someone when they were not in your presence…well, you basically didn’t.  99% of the shit you had to say to this person could wait until said individual returned home.

For that 1%, you might have to track that person down.  So like, if a family member is dying (and only the person can save them), or you just found out a hit man is trying to kill this person imminently, I mean, even then it was considered pretty rude, but you might be able to slide on the etiquette rules and get away with calling the restaurant or the store or the place you thought that person was going to be and asking the employee who answers, “Hey, I need to talk to this schmuck that’s there.  He’s tall and has black hair and is kinda ugly and has crooked teeth and dresses like an asshole.  Oh, you see him?  Great, put him on the phone please.”

So let’s recap.  Prior to like, oh, I want to say maybe 2006, if you contacted someone who wasn’t in your general vicinity, the reasons had to be:

  1. A family member is dying imminently and this person is the ONLY one who can save him/her.  Couldn’t be a friend, had to be a family member (and really, nuclear family only) and the death had to be within, say, an hour at best.  Like you couldn’t bother someone while they’re out shopping to help save your third cousin twice-removed who was advised by doctors that he’d be dying six hours from now.
  2. You had to have credible evidence that a hit man was hired to murder this person and you wanted to warn him/her.  “Credible” meaning corroborated by witnesses or physical evidence (i.e. testimony from two responsible citizens or barring that, a copy of the signed murder contract.) Even then, you had to be aware that the hit was going to happen within the hour.

That’s literally it.  Otherwise, you DID NOT bother people while they were out and about.  And honestly, cell phones starting getting pretty popular and affordable by the late 1990s/early 2000s, but even then, most responsible adults used them sparingly.  I just had one I kept in my glove compartment in case my car broke down but otherwise I never used it because I never knew anyone whose dying family member I could save within the hour and no one ever tried to be a hit on me.  Well, at least no one ever heard of a plot that was going to go down against me within an hour anyway.

Today, it’s all different.  Now, everyone has a damn cell phone and my phone is constantly ringing off the hook (phones used to be kept on hooks, 3.5 readers) and there’s no limit, no limit at all as to what people will call you with:

  • Hi, I want to call you to tell you my ass hurts.  No, there’s nothing you can do while you are at work but I just want to tell you that my ass hurts.  You should be aware I have a broken ass.
  • Please pick up ten things for me on the way home.
  • Hello, I need to call and tell you a bunch of shit while you are operating a car i.e. a ten ton machine of death that could easily mow down a small child if you aren’t giving the operation of this gigantic contraption YOUR COMPLETE AND FULL ATTENTION, but anyway, please listen to this trivial story of how someone offended me.
  • I had tacos for lunch.
  • Hi, this is your boss.  I’m calling you at midnight to remind you to do that thing I don’t remember you did last week and you have already told me you did it but I don’t remember.
  • Hi, this is some jackass.  Your number is one digit off of a friend of mine and I’m calling you twenty times until I figure it out.
  • Hi, my ass still hurts.
  • Hi this is your doctor.  You have penis warts and though it could have waited I’m telling you now.
  • Hi, I’m a telemarketer and I’d like to sell you a time share.  Wouldn’t you like to spend your life’s savings on 1/1000th of a shitty condo in Tahiti?

I can’t stand it.  I just can’t.  You know what?  Can we just go back to the early 2000s?  I’m going to shut my cell phone off, throw it in the glove box, and then I’ll just have it in the event that I get into an accident.  That’s it.  Nothing else.

And I know you’ll all be like, “Well, BQB what if someone needs to call you while you’re out?”  No, screw that.  I’d like to remind you that from the time the phone was invented until like, ten years ago, the only acceptable reasons to call someone while they weren’t home were a) if a family member was going to die within the hour and this person was the only one able to save him/her and/or b) you had credible knowledge that a hit man was hired to murder this person within the hour, ergo the person needed to be warned.

That’s it!  Those are the TWO AND ONLY TWO reasons why anyone would ever, EVER need to be called while they aren’t home and I say we should all go back to that.

By the way, did you know that before the invention of the phone, people just…didn’t even talk to people unless they were seeing them face to face?  If you needed to tell the person something, you had to either rip a feather off of a duck’s ass and use it as a quill to write a note on a piece of parchment that you’d then give to a neighborhood boy to walk ten miles to deliver the message in exchange for a six pence, or b, if it was really important, you’d rustle up a horse and go tell the person.

Honestly people, before you call me or anyone else, think to yourself, “Is this message so important that if we were in the 1800s, would I steal a fucking horse and gallop thirty miles just to inform the person about it?”

If yes, call away.  If no, shut your cake hole and go have a cookie.

Bah!  Cell phones are the worst.

 

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