Daily Archives: January 20, 2018

Angel of Death: The Jack Kevorkian Musical

SONG TITLE: The Angel of Death

(Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the notorious proponent of assisted suicide, hooks up a little old lady to a machine.  The machine is attached to a series of IV bags filled with deadly drugs.)

OLD LADY: Let me have it, doc!  I can’t take it anymore!

DR. KEVORKIAN: Don’t worry, ma’am.  In just a few minutes, you’ll be stone cold dead.

OLD LADY: Hooray!

(The police break in.)

KEVORKIAN: What’s the meaning of this?

(Everyone breaks into song.)

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, you’re an enemy of the state!

KEVORKIAN: Just wait!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian!  You’re killing people without a single care!

KEVORKIAN:  That’s not fair!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, oh what, oh what will we do?  What will we ever do, with a dangerous reprobate such as you?

OLD LADY:  I’ll tell you what to do.  You should let this man go because he’s an angel…an angel of death.   Yes, he’s trying to kill me but that’s fine with me because I can no longer wait until my dying breath!  I’m filled with so much pain!

COP:  Lady, it’s just a sprain!

OLD LADY:  But it hurts to no end.

COP: Give it a day and you’ll be on the mend.

OLD LADY:  Who are you to say how much pain I’m required to comprehend?  This doctor is an angel…an angel of death!

COP:  This is chaos!  This is strange!  People deciding when to die is utterly deranged.  Sure you’re filled sorrow, but it might all turn around tomorrow, don’t you want to stick around and wait it out?

OLD LADY: No, I want to die, I’ve carefully thought it out!

COP: Ma’am, I doubt any of us are going to a better place.  Darkness is the only thing that we have to face.  Surely, if there’s more time for you in this world, you should seek it.

OLD LADY:  Meh! You can keep it.

COP: Kevorkian!  You’ve killed a bunch of old ladies, what do you have to say?

KEVORKIAN:  They’re all better off dead, if they were alive, they’d be suffering to day!  Oh diseases for which there are no cure, there’s only one thing left to do.  We’ll put down a dog, we’ll step on a frog, but a dying old person we’ll leave them for years to rot through and through….

COP:  I…I never thought I’d see it your way!  You’re an Angel of Death and you ease suffering and keep pain at bay.  Tell me doctor, will you kill my old mother without fail?

KEVORKIAN:  What makes her ail?

COP: The old bitch has a hang nail!

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Dahmer! (The Musical)

Moving on with our inappropriate musical series:

SONG TITLE: Eat My Friends

(Jeffrey Dahmer is surrounded by a number of people who leer at him.  They all break out into song.)

RANDOM MAN:  He’s a weirdo!  He’s a bum!

RANDOM WOMAN: He looks like he never has fun!

RANDOM MAN 2:  He wears window pane glasses that scare us off our asses!

RANDOM WOMAN 2: He drinks scotch in the middle of the day!  What more do we have to say?

ENTIRE CHORUS:  Come on! Let’s run away!

(Dahmer looks up and cries.  He pulls a power drill and a paper mache head out of a duffel bag.)

DAHMER:  Why?!  Oh why do they all run away?

Frightened by my appearance before they hear what I have to say!

I’ve come up with the only way – to make them stay!

Yes, on my happiness this idea depends!

And that is why I’ll eat my friends!

(DAHMER revs up the drill.)

I’ll drill a hole…

(A new CHORUS returns.  Each CHORUS member represents a different voice inside DAHMER’s head.)

CHORUS: He’ll drill a hole!

DAHMER: Inside their heads…

CHORUS: Inside their heads!

DAHMER: And surely that won’t make anyone dead!

CHORUS: No it won’t!

DAHMER: Upon this action, the police will surely frown, but I can tell you, this is all very medically sound!

CHORUS:  Of course!

DAHMER:  If no one will be a friend to me, then I’ll drill their heads until they become zombies!  They’ll cater to my every demand! They’ll obey all my commands!

CHORUS:  And if that fails?

DAHMER:  Then I’ll eat ’em.

CHORUS: Wow!

DAHMER: Fella, eat your friends, it’s the only way to keep a compadre or a pal.

Fella, eat your friends.  Nothing could be sour when you devour your bosom buddy or your favorite gal!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, oh why, oh why can’t you see?  A friend can’t get any closer to you than when they’re deep inside your belly!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, fry them up in a pan!  Add some salt, but just a smidge!  Put the leftovers in my fridge…oh yes, I tell you yes, I’ll eat my friends!

CHORUS:  Jeffy, are you really, are you really going to eat your friends?

DAHMER: You know it!

CHORUS: Are you going to filet them sautee them and eat them up from head to thighs?

DAHMER:  Hell, I think I’ll serve them up with curly fries!  Oh why, oh why can’t you see?  There’s nothing tastier, nothing more delicious to me!  I can’t think a better way of time to spend…then dicing and slicing and grilling up a friend!

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How to Make Any Woman You Want Fall in Love With You

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Hey 3.5 readers.

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