And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…
#51 – Call me old fashioned, but soda pop tastes better when it’s cold.
#52 – Men will always like big breasts.
#53 – Does the Pope ever wear a derby when he’s alone?
#54 – If you have vision problems, glasses will help you see better.
#55 – A hot take is the worst possible take.
#56 – Why are hamburgers called “ham-burgers?” I’ve never asked for pig meat on my cow patty in my entire life and I’m not about to start now.
#57 – Middle aged white soccer moms who practice yoga are engaging in cultural appropriation.
#58 – Cookies are fun to eat.
#59 – Cancer is the worst drag of all.
#60 – Licking a sidewalk can’t be fun or healthy. I don’t advise it.
#61 – Ever since my doctor told me I was sterile, I’ve wondered if the 9,832 hot pockets I cooked in the microwave throughout the course of my life were worth it.
#62 – Board games should be called “bored games” because they are boring.
#63 – Always bring exact change to a strip club. I’ve never met a stripper who can break a twenty dollar bill.
#64 – Cinnamon goes good with everything.
#65 – Canada is America’s whiney little brother, the one that Mom makes us hold hands with on the way to school even though we really don’t want to.
#66 – Pancakes are neither pans nor cakes. Discuss.
#67 – If Capt. Kirk and company are able to beam their way to a distant location, then why don’t they beam their star ship to Barbados every time the Klingons come onto the scene, looking to start some shit?
#68 – Whenever I have a stain on my shirt, I find the best course of action is to get it laundered.
#69 – Do cockroaches fuck? I mean, they have to, right? Because like, where else would all those cockroaches come from? Damn it, I wonder what cockroach fucking looks like.
#70 – I don’t like to eat pizza crust. I would prefer it if my local pizza parlor would simply attach wooden handles to my pizza, as well as a self-addressed, stamped envelope I can use to mail the wooden handles back to the pizza parlor when I am done using them to hold the various and sundry slices of my pizza.
#71 – Whenever someone asks me what is the one item I would wish for if I were left alone on a deserted island, I inevitably ask for a power drill…because how else are you going to fuck a coconut?
#72 – Words are the building blocks of sentences.
#73 – People who are lonely should seek the company of other people.
#74 – Candy is delicious, though not very nutritious.
#75 – An apple a day might keep the doctor away for awhile…until the day comes when you cut off your hand with a miter saw and then, well, I don’t give a shit how many apples you ate that day, the doctor is still going to want to examine that shit.