Daily Archives: May 13, 2018

Top Ten TV Mothers

Happy Mothers’ Day, 3.5 readers. Without further ado, here’s my list of the Top Ten TV Mothers

Bookshelf Battle

Super-Mom

Happy Mother’s Day, 3.5 readers.

Why are you reading this sad little blog for?  Why aren’t you out there, honoring the woman who squeezed you out of her cooter with a nice Mother’s Day brunch?

Sheesh.  I have to tell you people how to do everything.

Anyway, in honor of this fine day, I present to you, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten TV Mothers of All Time:

#10 – June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) – Leave it to Beaver

TV scholars may be able to tell me if there was a more prominent TV mother before June, but I do believe June was one of the first and so, she essentially started it all.  Ward always got his paper after work.  Beaver and Wally always got dinner.  June made it all happen, even while putting up with tomfoolery from Wally’s friend, Eddie Haskell.

#9 – Ruth…

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #76-100

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (but hey, the century is still young) will share his great musings…

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#76 – When my garbage bag is full, the best thing to do is to take it out to the curb.

#77 – It’s always a good idea to carry a roll of quarters in your pocket.  You never know when you might need to do some laundry or pay a toll.  Twenty years ago, I would have added that you might need to make a call from a pay phone, but they don’t have those anymore.

#78 – All those male Smurfs must have run a train on Smurfette.

#79 – Lifting weights can make you stronger.

#80 – “The Wolf” in “Pulp Fiction” didn’t provide much help at all.  Think about it.  He’s built up as this big fixer that can use his ingenuity to make the worst problems go away, but then all he does is show up and tell Vincent and Jules to clean up the car with household cleaning products.  Shit.  I’ve never shot a guy in my car but if I did, I would, as a novice, think of the fact that I should probably spray some Windex on the blood in the hopes that it will go way.

#81 – Nobody knows what it’s like to be a sad man…except other sad men.

#82 – Shorts keep your legs cool in the summer.

#83 – No one makes VHS tapes anymore.

#84 – Is it possible to suck and blow at the same time?

#85 – Were Groucho Marx and Richard Marx related?

#86 – Plants must be watered.

#87 – “Ransack” is an interesting word.

#88 – Bell and Biv were carrying Devoe.

#89 – It’s hard to eat many foods without a fork.

#90 – Do ghosts fuck?  How does that work?

#91 – The average person inhales 4,582 spiders a night.

#92 – Cars have four wheels for a reason.

#93 – What’s black and white and read all over?

#94 – Paris is lovely this time of year.

#95 – I once discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot it.

#96 – Low hanging fruit is the best kind of fruit.

#97 – I’ve never gone Commando, on the battlefield or in my pants.

#98 – Swans are just fancy ducks.

#99 – Waffles are delicious.

#100 – The big ball drops on New Year’s Eve, but my balls drop a little lower every Tuesday.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #51-75

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#51 – Call me old fashioned, but soda pop tastes better when it’s cold.

#52 – Men will always like big breasts.

#53 – Does the Pope ever wear a derby when he’s alone?

#54 – If you have vision problems, glasses will help you see better.

#55 – A hot take is the worst possible take.

#56 – Why are hamburgers called “ham-burgers?”  I’ve never asked for pig meat on my cow patty in my entire life and I’m not about to start now.

#57 – Middle aged white soccer moms who practice yoga are engaging in cultural appropriation.

#58 – Cookies are fun to eat.

#59 – Cancer is the worst drag of all.

#60 – Licking a sidewalk can’t be fun or healthy.  I don’t advise it.

#61 – Ever since my doctor told me I was sterile, I’ve wondered if the 9,832 hot pockets I cooked in the microwave throughout the course of my life were worth it.

#62 – Board games should be called “bored games” because they are boring.

#63 – Always bring exact change to a strip club.  I’ve never met a stripper who can break a twenty dollar bill.

#64 – Cinnamon goes good with everything.

#65 – Canada is America’s whiney little brother, the one that Mom makes us hold hands with on the way to school even though we really don’t want to.

#66 – Pancakes are neither pans nor cakes.  Discuss.

#67 – If Capt. Kirk and company are able to beam their way to a distant location, then why don’t they beam their star ship to Barbados every time the Klingons come onto the scene, looking to start some shit?

#68 – Whenever I have a stain on my shirt, I find the best course of action is to get it laundered.

#69 – Do cockroaches fuck?  I mean, they have to, right?  Because like, where else would all those cockroaches come from?  Damn it, I wonder what cockroach fucking looks like.

#70 – I don’t like to eat pizza crust.  I would prefer it if my local pizza parlor would simply attach wooden handles to my pizza, as well as a self-addressed, stamped envelope I can use to mail the wooden handles back to the pizza parlor when I am done using them to hold the various and sundry slices of my pizza.

#71 – Whenever someone asks me what is the one item I would wish for if I were left alone on a deserted island, I inevitably ask for a power drill…because how else are you going to fuck a coconut?

#72 – Words are the building blocks of sentences.

#73 – People who are lonely should seek the company of other people.

#74 – Candy is delicious, though not very nutritious.

#75 – An apple a day might keep the doctor away for awhile…until the day comes when you cut off your hand with a miter saw and then, well, I don’t give a shit how many apples you ate that day, the doctor is still going to want to examine that shit.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #25 – 50

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#26 – If an after life does indeed exist, you can be assured to a mathematical certainty of one-hundred and fifty-eight percent that one of your deceased relatives has gazed down upon you from the heavens to check in on how you are doing only to be repulsed upon seeing you engaged in a full scale, no holds barred, down and dirty masturbation session.

#27 – Time is a construct and we need to construct more of it.  A lot more.

#28 – If I could do it all again, I’d be a farmer.

#29 – Genes decide if your butt looks good in jeans.  Jeans, on the other hand, decide nothing about your genes.  On an unrelated note, my Cousin Gene owes me thirty-seven dollars and a carton of menthols.

#30 – Did Samurais eat rye bread?

#31 – The first best way to get a free book is to go to your local library and get a library card.  The second best way to get a free book is to politely ask a friend who happens to be getting rid of a book if you can have the book.  The third best way to get a free book is to jam a Glock into a bookworm’s ribs and shout, “Give me your copy of Wuthering Heights right now or you’ll eat lead, motherfucker!”  For legal and/or moral purposes, I do not advise the latter.

#32 – The show, “Saturday Night Live” should be called, “One Half-Hour of Saturday Night and One Hour of Sunday Morning Live.”  I hate to be a stickler, but facts matter.

#33 – String is good for tying things up.

#34 – No one has any cash anymore.

#35 – Do Chinese people call their food, “food?”

#36 – I’ve tried and failed several weight loss programs over the years.  I’ve found the only regimen that works is to be locked in a cage like a werewolf on a full moon and to be zapped in the nut sack with a cattle prod whenever I ask for pizza.  For legal and moral purposes, I don’t advise this.

#37 – If your parents die at age 80 when you are age 50, will that make you an orphan?

#38 – Chips go good with dip.

#39 – I’ve never understood people who put ketchup AND mustard on one hot dog.  It’s an either/or decision, jackass.  Make a choice and live with the consequences.

#40 – The first caveman who saw a lobster and decided it looked delicious must have been a bonafide asshole.

#41 – Croutons are like speed bumps for salad.

#42 – Couples who want to have a baby should do so before age 35.  It’s a scientific fact that after age 36, the inside of a woman’s uterus bears a striking resemblance to the knight’s tomb in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” complete with spiders, cobwebs, bats and the bones of unlucky explorers from long gone ancient civilizations.

#43 – Polish makes objects shiny.

#44 – How does the guy who writes “YOU ARE HERE” on the giant, oversized maps at various public attractions always know where I am?  Stalk much?

#45 – I’m against gay marriage, not because I have anything against gay people, it’s just that I think they’ve been through enough already.

#46 – Am I the only one who goes to a baseball game and wonders why 50,000 people are watching a bunch of dummies throw a ball around?

#47 – You may laugh at the idea of bidets, but I’ve never met a Frenchman with hemorrhoids.

#48 – Nobody writes letters anymore.

#49 – Toaster ovens are the microwaves of yesteryear.

#50 – Winter is the best time of year to wear your heavy coat.  If you wait until August to put it on, it will be too hot.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century #1-25

And now, Bookshelf Q. Battler, one of the greatest minds of the Twenty-First Century (although hey, it’s still young) will share his great musings…

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#1 – Once a fart exits the butt, does it still exist?

#2 – Fur is like a coat for a dog, except it does not include a zipper or buttons and cannot be taken off.

#3 – I’m not sure why cereal is considered a breakfast treat.  I enjoy it at any time of the day or night.

#4 – Sometimes, when I see a hamster running around a wheel, I want tell the little guy to stop running, because the joke’s on him…but then the more I think about it, the joke’s probably on me.

#5 – We can put a man on the moon but we can’t devise a cure for crotch rot.

#6 – Rulers in America are always 12 inches long.

#7 – Couches are good for sitting.

#8 – Pressed for time?  Start a film at the last five minute mark and save yourself two hours.

#9 – Well, those bastards at the post office raised stamp prices again.

#10 – Soy sauce, like most sauces, can be put on any food, but the key to deciding whether or not you want soy sauce to be on your food is to a) imagine what the food tastes like b) imagine what the food would taste like with soy sauce on it and then c) decide whether or not that would taste good before proceeding with the squeezing of the soy sauce packet onto the piece of food in question.

#11 – I’ve never met a bagel that couldn’t be improved by cream cheese.

#12 – Coffee helps you wake up in the morning.

#13 – I’ve found that whenever I’m sick to the point of vomiting, it’s always good to stay take a sick day from work.  Otherwise, you might vomit on your co-workers and boy howdy, will that ever put a bee in their bonnets.

#14 – Bermuda is a better country to visit than North Korea.  If your travel agent gives you a choice between visiting Bermuda or North Korea, pick Bermuda.

#15 – When your feet are cold, it’s time to slip on your socks.

#16 – Space is enormous.  You can fit a lot in there.

#17 – When it comes to sticking your head in a velociraptor’s mouth, I’m against it.

#18 – Nazis are history’s dick cheeseburgers with extra turd sauce.

#19 – Music is a symphony for the ears.

#20 – Whenever I need a good laugh, I remember that Kirk Cameron’s best friend on “Growing Pains” was named “Boner.”

#21 – I visited Muncie, Indiana once.  It was OK.  There are worse places to be and there are better places to be.

#22 – Skunks are just smelly rats.

#23 – Why are pineapples called “pineapples?”  They don’t come from pine trees.  Some ancient tree scientist somewhere really screwed the pooch on that one.

#24 – One day, a dog and a cat will fall so madly in love that they will fornicate.  When that happens, an everlasting world peace will not be far behind.

#25 – It has been my experience that when an electrical appliance requires power in order to function, the best action to take is to take the plug attached to the aforementioned appliance and insert it into a wall socket.  Consult a fully bonded, licensed and insure electrician for more information.

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