#301 – An item lost in dried cement can eventually be chiseled out, but it’s easier to pull it out before the cement hardens.
#302 – Boll weevils are neither bolls nor weevils. Discuss.
#303 – I hope there’s not a cougar in my cupboard.
#304 – It saddens me that in all the time I spent trying to make a go of it in Hollywood, not a single executive made a pass at me. It would have been unwelcomed, but still, it’s common courtesy.
#305 – I can never be sure if there’s a monster hiding under my bed unless I keep looking under my bed at all times.
#306 – The beautiful will never understand the plight of the ugly.
#307 – I’m not saying that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay lovers. It’s just that I can’t prove they weren’t.
#308 – Always pinch your produce before you buy it.
#309 – I’ve figured out a magnificent way to avoid sleeping outside when I travel: I stay in a hotel.
#310 – Elvis Presley’s greatest invention was the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. I prefer chunky peanut butter in mine.
#311 – Gray hair is a sign of experience…and also the loss of follicular pigmentation.
#312 – I’ll support raising the wage of fast food drive-thru workers to $15 on the day they get my order right.
#313 – Hijinx will get you nowhere.
#314 – Bacteria is never something you want present on top of your potatoes au gratin.
#315 – Fart in a can today and smell it tomorrow.
#316 – Deja vu is a freaky experience and by the way, deja vu is a freaky experience.
#317 – Madame, I’ll have you know I’m in the CIA – the Clitoral Investigation Agency. Our motto: “We’ll find it sooner or later.”
#318 – Sure, you think its adorable when dolphins make all those little squeaky sounds, but keep in mind that the squeaks translate into a trail of obscenities that would make the most boorish longshoreman blush.
#319 – I will go to my grave thinking this thought: anyone who rides a rollercoaster and enjoys it is a total asshole.
#320 – Sugar is the best way I know to sweeten my coffee.
#321 – Eagle sex is simultaneously the most disgusting yet exceptionally patriotic act you’ll ever witness.
#322 – Glory is the best reason to do something.
#323 – Abraham Lincoln earned his spot on the penny.
#324 – Dish rags can clean a dish, but what cleans the dish rag?
#325 – Adventure: it’s what’s for breakfast.