Monthly Archives: April 2020

The Original Mad Max Had Nothing to Do with the Apocalypse

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

So I’ve spent my extra free time this week watching the Mad Max films and I have to say, I am shocked to find out that the original film had absolutely no apocalypse in it whatsoever.

The first Mad Max film stars Mel Gibson as the titular character and takes place in a version of Australia “a few years from now” i.e. maybe a vision of the 1980s as dreamed of by people in the 1970s.

Max is a member of Australia’s “Main Force Police,” leather jacketed cops who cruise the highways in bright, yellow muscle cars, looking to take down the biker gangs that are running amuck in Kangaroo land.

When a veteran member of the force is killed by the bikers, Max gets so distraught that he wants to quit, but is talked into taking a vacation by his boss instead.  On holiday, Max begins to feel better until, well, his wife and son are murdered by the same biker gang, so he goes mad and hunts all those gearheads down.

The end, and honestly, the plot sounds better than the movie.  The movie itself is largely unwatchable.  There are a few cool bits of action interspersed with a lot of crap and it looks like a student film that was slapped together for a C minus.  It’s pretty shitty, even by 1970s standards.

The apocalypse doesn’t come into play until Mad Max 2 or “The Road Warrior.”  That film comes with an early narration explaining that there has been a war that ravaged the world, leaving it bombed out and depleted, and now scavengers roam the wasteland.

This movie basically set the standard for all apocalypse movies, books and stories to follow, director George Miller envisioning a world where people worship cars and gasoline and water become such hot commodities that people are willing to fight and die for them.

Max steals a rig to help a downtrodden tribe of misfits who are oppressed by the muscular, mask wearing Lord Hummungus.  He’s about to run with a bunch of gas as payment, but eventually feels sorry enough for the tribe that he fights for them, and a battle on wheels commences.

Honestly, this movie kinda sucks too, especially by today’s standards.  There’s not a lot of character development and you have to piece things together but the chase scene is good and sets the stage for all future apocalypse movies to come.

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is where the series starts to emerge.  The plot is coherent.  The characters are given depth.  Ironically, the chase scene at the end isn’t as good as it was in 2, but I suppose you can’t have everything.

Max’s car, now pulled by camels, are stolen.  When he reaches Barter Town, he strikes a deal with the villainous Auntie Entity (Tina Turner) to fight Blaster, the brawn behind little person Master’s brains (together they are Master Blaster).  Max is promised his ride will be returned if he takes Blaster out in Thunderdome, the arena where 2 men enter, but 1 man leaves.

When Max realizes he’s been tricked, he is sent off into exile, destined to die of thirst in the desert until he is saved by a tribe of people comprised of the survivors and descendants of a plane that crashed near an oasis long ago.  The tribe has built an entire religion around Captain Walker, their Jesus like figure who they believe will one day return and fly the down plane to Tomorrow-morrow land, a city they have seen a picture of and believe to be a Utopia.

Max has to save these tribesfolk from themselves, because he’s traveled all over the wasteland, and their oasis is the closest thing to paradise he’s found.  They don’t have any idea how good they have it.

I suppose in the 1980s the Mad Max movies would have been thrilling, though honestly, the first one really does suck.  And it’s a plot hole that Max lived to be an adult before the apocalypse, because the next two films build a world where it looks like people have built their lives around worshipping cars and chasing gasoline for multiple generations.  It’s almost as if Director George Miller just decided he liked the character but also liked the apocalyptic setting, so asked his audience to just fudge the details a bit as Max is transported to the wasteland and we just forget about that first dreadful flick altogether.

Ultimately, watching these old movies made me appreciate the recent Mad Max: Fury Road a lot more.  That movie was an unexpected treat.  When it was released, I thought it was going to be one in a long line of lame remakes, but I enjoyed it.  Now, after watching the old movies, I enjoy it more because I think it finally allowed George Miller to achieve his true vision.

Obviously, I don’t speak for Miller, but as I watched the old films and thought about the new one, my gut tells me that Miller did his best given limited budgets, limited technology, limited ability of the Hollywood apparatus to understand and carry out his vision (he was just starting out as a filmmaker with the first Max) and it took several decades and a lot of new tech for him to bring all the car chases, flaming guitar playing baddies, trucks full of drum beaters, etc to life.

Too bad Mel Gibson turned out to be such a creep.  There might have been a way to fit him into the new one, but kudos to George Miller, as I now realize that Fury Road must have been the culmination of a lifelong dream, one where he had to keep working until he got it right.

 

 

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I Speak for the Pangolin

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I Speak for the Pangolin

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler

(Based on The Lorax)

My name is BQB and I speak for the pangolin.

It’s like an anteater, complete with battle armor for skin.

And people, I have to say, it’s really quite suspicious,

That anyone would ever find a pangolin to be delicious.

Yes!  My name is BQB and I speak for the pangolin.

It’s like an armadillo, but with a slimy little chin.

My friends, I tell you, it really is a sin,

When you’re cooking a pot of soup, to throw a pangolin in!

Pangolins are not delicious.  They do not taste good.

All a pangolin ever wanted to do was frolic in the wood.

If you eat a pangolin, you will get the entire world sick.

So please don’t eat a pangolin, or else you’ll be a dick.

Every pangolin has a purpose, and every pangolin has its time.

So eating a pangolin sandwich really should be a crime.

Pangolins don’t taste good in broth and they don’t taste good on toast.

Eating a poor, defenseless pangolin is something about which one should never boast.

So don’t lick pangolin ice cream and don’t spread pangolin jelly.

For the last place a pangolin wants to be is inside a human’s belly.

Yes!  My name is BQB and I speak for all the pangolins of the world.

Please heed my warning, and let my message be unfurled.

Pangolins have no place in your stomach, but you can keep them in your heart.

From a distance, of course, for you and a pangolin should always be apart.

Sure, pangolins are adorable, but remember, they aren’t good for licking.

So keep your tongue in your mouth, or it’s the world’s ass you’ll be kicking.

Keep the pangolin off your pizza and take the pangolin out of your oven.

Pangolins aren’t a treat, ya know, so don’t feed one to your cousin.

Don’t grind a pangolin in your blender and don’t bake a pangolin up in a souffle.

If you do, you’ll send the entire planet on a bender and there will surely be hell to pay.

For pangolins are unclean and are scary little disease carriers.

If God wanted you to eat a pangolin, he wouldn’t have covered their bods with spiny little barriers.

In closing, let me say, that I am BQB and I speak for the pangolin.

If the pangolin could speak, then I would go out tango-in.

If the pangolin could speak, they’d say, “Please, do not eat me!”

But until the pangolin can speak, you’ll have to take it from BQB.

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No One Reads My Blog

No one reads my blog!

Oh, no one reads my blog!

I just stopped by to say that no one reads my blog!

If no one reads a blog,

Does the blog still even exist?

No, it probably doesn’t.

But what does that matter?

For no one reads this blog anyway.

Hey!  Look!  It’s a frog!

He jumps on a log.

He does everything,

But read this fine blog!

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Bunny Rap

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Yo!  Yo, yo.

Get up off yo keister.

Cuz its time fo’ Easter.

Celebratin’ all them adorable little furballs

Who bring us so much joy.

Bunnies!  What?  Bunnies!  What?

I love me some bunnies.

I love me some bunnies.

I love those big ear motherfuckers

That go hippy hop.

Bring me all the candy

Cuz no they never stop.

Hidin all my eggs.

Be it 2 or 3 or 5.

Bunnies eat the carrots and that’s how they stay alive.

I’m not tryin’ to make you laugh.

I’m not tryin’ to be funny.

I’m not talkin’ bout dogs or cats,

I’m talkin bout the bunnies!

What?  The bunnies!

What?  The bunnies!

Sixteen bunnies in the clip and one in the bunny hole,

Hop on down the cotton trail and a bunny will save your soul.

Bunnies are the cutest little creatures known to the human race.

And their ears are so big they can hear shit in space.

The bunnies!  What?!  The bunnies! What?

I aint gonna make you laugh and you know this aint funny.

Now go on grab a friend and tell their ass about a bunny!

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Swaddled Pug

For no reason other than maybe some of my 3.5 readers could be cheered up by the sight of a wrapped up pug:

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Movie Review – Coffee and Kareem (2020)

This movie is just awful.  I really can’t say enough bad things about it.

On the surface, it seems like it would be good, because it has a lot of good actors in it.  Ed Helms, Taraji P. Henson, Betty Gilpin, David Alan Grier.

But just as pizza, ice cream, orange juice, and Mountain Dew all taste good on their own, they are destined to explode into a pile of crap when you put them together.

The plot, if you can call it one, is that Ed Helms (Officer Coffee, given that unlikely name for no reason other than to create a catchy buddy comedy movie title)  is dating Vanessa, the mother of the rambunctious and foul mouthed 12 year old, Kareem (Terrence Gardenhigh.)

Long story short, Kareem witnesses a murder, Coffee gets framed for it, and its a madcap romp to fight the bad guys and score the evidence that will get Coffee off the hook.

It sounds simple enough yet, it all falls apart at a comedic level.  I don’t know when it became popular for kids to say raunchy things in movies.  I’ve noticed it as a growing trend more and more in movies over the past decade.  Someone, somewhere decided it would be funny to have a kid swear and say naughty things and then movies just kept upping the game, having kids swear more, saying naughtier things until you have this travesty.

Feel free to disagree, but I just think that having kids being foul mouthed for the camera is just gross, a stupid gimmick that Hollywood should have had enough decency to have never gotten involved with in the first place.  How do none of the adults behind this movie not say, “Hey, kids shouldn’t be saying such terrible things and we shouldn’t make one do it for the camera?”

To be honest, I was going to switch it off in the first 20 minutes and I only stuck with it because of Betty Gilpin, who I think is an underrated national treasure, but even she couldn’t save this mess.

I don’t know what else to say.  Rarely do I give a bad review, but Netflix should give subscribers a free month and a formal apology for making this crap.

STATUS: NOT SHELF WORTHY.

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