3.5 readers, I just want you to know that I spend all year long laboring for your amusement so really, you should be wishing me a Happy Labor Day for all that I do for you.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Author Archives: bookshelfbattle
How the West Was Zombed – Cover Contest – New Poll
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’m stuck. Having a hard time picking a winner for my How the West Was Zombed book cover contest.
It’s down to two. There’s the first with the cowboy in the trenchcoat, a shadow of the cowboy looking down over the shadow of a cowboy riding a werewolf, chasing a train and fighting zombies. I like it because this designer actually attempted what I was looking for and it reminds me of a Louis L’Amour novel cover. They all usually feature a solid color on the front and then a drawing of a cowboy doing some cowboy shit in the center.
The second one seems pretty standard, a bit of a tribute to Clint Eastwood. I put two different versions, blue shirt vs. black shirt. He wears a black shirt in the story but the blue shirt seems to pop more on the cover.
I think I like the first more but my gut tells me the thumbnail of the second would pop more in the Amazon store and sadly that’s usually what matters most.
What do all 3.5 of you think?
https://99designs.com/contests/poll/d5bp3j
Movie Review – Death Note (2017)
OMG, 3.5 readers. OMG. Y’all got to drop whatever you are doing (unless you are reading this fine blog) and watch this movie post haste.
BQB here with a review of Netflix’s original movie, “Death Note.”
OMG. It’s witty. It’s smart. It’s original. It’s a clever idea. Who knew that such a film was still possible to make in Hollywood?
Light Turner (Nat Wolff) is a typical moody, angst ridden teen, down in the dumps over the untimely death of his mother, which causes him to act out and get in trouble in school. All this changes when he obtains a mysterious notebook dubbed, “Death Note.”
As Light quickly learns, it is possible for him to write a name and the method of death down in the book and bam – the person named will die in that way. Initially, Light wields his power on a school bully, but quickly graduates to bigger prey.
The young lad realizes the “Death Note” has been misused by previous owners for petty acts of revenge, but in his hands, he can use it to change the world for the better. He takes on the moniker “Kira” and summarily executes the world’s most infamous dictators, criminals and villains.
No one is sure how all these baddies are dying, but to the untrained eyes of the masses, it looks like the work of a clever serial killer. Little do they know it’s the work of a high school kid and a demon with a dark sense of humor.
Some worship Kira and approve of the justice he’s doling out. Others, like the eccentric private detective known simply as “L” (Lakeith Stanfield) and even Light’s own police officer father (Shea Whigham) see Kira as a dangerous vigilante who can’t be allowed to operate outside the law.
Ownership of the “Death Note” includes the assistance of a rather nasty advisor in the form of Ryuk, a spikey, wild-eyed demon voiced by Willem Dafoe. As we all know, demons aren’t the best creatures to strike a deal with as they always find a loophole to exploit, and Ryuk is no exception. Ryuk’s presence in the film is subtle yet understated, coming in and out at just the right times, sometimes to strike fear in our hearts when he toys with Light, other times to act as comic relief when he heckles the boy. Ultimately, Ryuk is the one who dispenses the death that Light writes about, so these two are stuck together, for better or worse.
Rounding out the cast is Light’s girlfriend Mia (Margaret Qualley) who, let’s face it, like most women, might be good or evil. It’s up to Light to find out.
Honestly, it’s rare for me to offer up such fawning praise for a movie but this one really deserves it. It’s so fresh and new and witty that it gets a standing ovation from me, especially in an era when Hollywood is just spoonfeeding us the same old, tired, recycled drek.
If anyone from Netflix is reading this blog (maybe a Netflix exec is one of my 3.5 readers?) I want to ask them, nay, beg them to turn this movie into a full blown series. There’s a whole formula as to how the “Death Note” book works, the rules of what the owner is allowed to do and not do and the possibilities for people to use the book for good or evil are limitless…so, yeah, if Netflix were to turn this into a series I would watch the ever living shit out of it.
Yes, I know it’s ironic that I’m lampooning Hollywood for making sequels but, yeah…in this case…this movie was really good…and I want more.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Do I Suck at Weight Loss?
World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m anti-suck ninja using my fists of fury to knock the suck out of big fat suckers the world over.
Do you suck? You know, you don’t have to suck anymore, especially when you can buy one of my many fine anti-suck books, guaranteed to help you mend your sucky ways:
You Don’t Have To Suck Anymore
You Don’t Have to Go Home and Suck, But You Can’t Suck Here
Bring in Da Noise, Bring Out Da Suck
Who Let the Suck Out?
Coming to Terms with Your Inner Suck
I Cast You Out, Suck!
Everyone Sucks But Me
I Suck, You Suck, He Sucks, We Suck
Beyond the Valley of the Suck
The Anti-Suck Workbook
101 Ways You Suck
How to Stop Sucking in Twelve Easy Steps
3.5 readers, when it comes to food, there’s a big old suck/anti-suck paradox. In moderation, good food does not suck. Nope, it doesn’t suck at all. In fact, it’s really delicious.
Alas, if you eat too much food, it’s easy to get fat and in doing so, suck up your health and suck up your life. Just look at this letter that a big old sucker sent to me:
Dear Vinny B,
I’m a big fat sucker. I don’t like to admit it but I am. It started innocently enough. An extra helping at dinner. An extra slice of pizza. An extra glass of soda. Pretty soon I was busting out of my pants and buying extra sizes. Worse, whenever I try to stop, it’s difficult. My body has become so used to all the fat and sugar that when I try to drop it, I feel like a big fat werewolf that needs to be locked in a cage just to keep me from devouring a pint of ice cream.
I’m so fat that everyone hates me now. Whenever I walk down the street, people go out of their way to walk up to me and say things like, “I hate you because you’re fat” and “You’re a bad person because you’re fat” and “You’re dreams will never come true because you’re a big dumb fat person.” And that’s just my family. You don’t want to hear what strangers say to me.
I try to exercise but I get winded just walking out of my car to the front door of the gym. I try to eat less but by the end of the day I’m sucking down a bag of barbecue chips like they’re the last bag in the world.
What can I do, Vinny? This sucks.
Sincerely,
A Big Fat Sucker in Milwaukee
Hey Big Fat Sucker. I’m sorry to hear about your problem. It sounds like your life really sucks, so let me do my best to help you un-suck it posthaste.
First, let me point this out – fat people are literally the last group where it is acceptable for literally everyone to discriminate against with reckless abandon.
No word of a lie. Go back and watch movies that are even ten years old and you’ll find jokes about race, jokes about sexual orientation, jokes about gender. Obviously, I’m not saying those jokes didn’t suck but since then, we a society have begun to suck less at hurting feelings and so those jokes have been purged from the public square.
Meanwhile, on the rare occasion a fat guy is still allowed on TV, it’s never without stereotypes. Fat people fart a lot. Fat people hide sandwiches all over the place and they run to the bathroom and pull a hoagie out of the toilet tank and eat it and cry. (Not gonna lie, I did that once during my darker, suckier days.)
You never see just like, a nice fat person in a movie who, despite his fatness, manages to help people.
Outside of the media, fat people face all sorts of sucky discrimination. It’s hard for a fatty to get employed. After all, no one likes a fatty. Some of that is valid. I mean, if you’re too fat too run, you can’t expect to be hired as a firefighter or a policeman. On the other hand, if you’re a competent, intelligent fatty, there’s no reason why you can’t be hired for say, a receptionist job, except that the boss will probably prefer his clients to be greeted by a hot skinny chick than someone who looks like they free base whipped cream before they get out of the bed in the morning.
Fat people get all sorts of sucky comments when they walk around all day. There’s a social stigma that has worked to prevent people from saying all sorts of hateful, discriminatory comments, yet literally no one ever thinks twice about shouting, “Hey fatty!” whenever a fatty walks onto a bus.
Sadly, few people trust a fatty. Old ladies have been known to clutch their grocery bags just a little tighter whenever there’s a fatty around. I mean, sure, that fat person is fat, but they aren’t going to steal your groceries. They’re going to go buy their own food and eat it and then be sad.
Often, for a fatty, it’s a vicious cycle. They eat too much. They feel bad. They want to lose weight. They’ll work real hard on it for a week only to see like two pounds tick off the scale when maybe they have a hundred or more to go.
They can literally feel the world giving them the shaft and life passing them by and so it becomes difficult to not just reach out for the only thing that doesn’t say no, the only thing that never denies them comfort, i.e. – food.
You laugh, but if you’ve had any kind of addiction, you’re doing the same thing. Alcoholics, smokers and sex addicts are also putting their bodies at risk, it’s just that, you know, you can’t look at a person and realize right away that they’re an alcoholic or a smoker or a sex fiend. Alas, the fatty’s problem is plain for the world to see.
In short, you can hide an alcohol problem, but if you’re fat, the whole world knows you eat too many donuts.
Big Fat Sucker, there’s probably no advice I can give you that you already don’t know, but I’ll try.
#1 – Forgive yourself.
Hard, but necessary. You hate yourself for ruining your life with food. You can see how good life has been for skinny people and you want in. You’re mad you’ve missed out on it for so long. Stop beating yourself up…you have to. The more down you get, the more likely you’ll reach for the fridge.
# 2 – Exercise
Not easy and maybe at first you won’t be able to do much, but a little everyday builds up and eventually you’ll be able to exercise a lot.
#3 – Eat less and better.
A no brainer. I feel like I’m insulting your intelligence by saying this.
#4 – Recognize You’re an Addict
Recovering alcoholics stay out of bars. Recovering fatties should stay out of pizza parlors, candy stores, places that could trigger a fatty relapse.
#5 – Stay Away from Negative People
For some reason, people like to get into each others’ business. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, no one will ever shove a beer at you, but if you’re a recovering fatty, everyone shoves food at you and they act like you’re a dick if you don’t take it. The average person just sees food as a nice thing. They don’t understand what it does to you.
Thus, you’ll go to a friend’s party to be polite. You’ll sit there and try to sip a glass of water and enjoy a light snack but guaranteed, every asshole at the party will shove hot dogs, hamburgers, cookies, cake, Aunt Gertie’s casserole and so on at you and they’ll act like you’re Hitler if you say no.
You’ll never succeed at trying to explain to these folks your point of view. Just smile politely, take the food, drop it in the trash when they aren’t looking.
#6 – Imagine How Happy You’ll Be
Do you sometimes think that if you had just begun your weight loss journey a year ago, you’d be much happier today? Don’t worry. Just start today because next year will be here before you know it.
#7 – Consider Other Options
Bariatric surgery and other weight loss surgeries might be something you’d want to look into. I can’t really advise you on that. You’d have to talk to your doctor and really you should consult your doctor on any weight loss plan. In fact, BQB’s lawyer reminds you that I’m just talking out of my ass here, so you shouldn’t follow anything I say in this column but rather do your own research.
CONCLUSION
Being fat sucks and like any addiction, it’s not easily beaten. However, it can be overcome and all of you Big Fat Suckers can do it. Just know that your old pal Vinny B believes in you, so drop that pizza, pick up a celery stalk and get on the treadmill.
Most importantly, stop sulking over the years you’ve lost to fatness. Start looking forward to a life as a skinny, non-fat sucker. It’s a life that’s just a few good, non-sucky decisions away.
Movie Review – Leap! (2017)
If you don’t leap, you’ll never learn how to fly. However, if you don’t see this movie, you won’t miss much.
For years, Disney has been the behemoth to beat as rival studios vie to see who can produce a heartwarming child’s tale that has depth, range and becomes so touching that kids love it well into their own adulthood and share it with their own children.
The Weinstein Company is the latest studio to give this a go and…well, to quote Jon Lovitz’ the Critic, “It stinks.”
On paper, the plot has all the trappings of a kids’ story that should be beloved through the ages. In the 1800s, two orphans from the French countryside, Felicie and Victor, escape their orphanage and head off to Paris to pursue their dreams. Victor wants to become a great inventor, while Felicie dreams of becoming a ballerina.
Felicie beguiles her way into a ballet school but relies on ex-ballerina turned scullery maid Odette to teach her, paving the way for Mr. Miyagi style lessons as Odette gets her student to perform mundane tasks that cause her student to learn ballet.
With an interesting storyline and a historic backdrop featuring fights/chases on the scaffolding surrounding the Statue of Liberty and Eiffel Tower while they are being built, you’d think this would be a slam dunk. Instead, it’s like the ball was pulled out of the hoop and flushed down the toilet.
I could go on and on about the problems in this movie but the main one is that this is a period piece and yet…there’s a lot of modern references. Sure, Disney films aren’t exactly historical documentaries but they at least don’t go out of their way to break the period setting.
Meanwhile, this film contains a number of words/phrases from modern times that act like speed bumps, shaking up what might have otherwise a smooth ride. The one that stands out in my mind is that the villainess of the film, the mother of a rival ballet student, chases Felicie around Paris with a hammer and shouts, “Stop! Hammer time!”
I mean. Seriously. Holy shit. Whoever allowed that line into this film, go stand in the corner and think about what you have done.
Worse, the use of modern pop music abounds. The crux of the film rests on two rival ballerinas competing for a part in “The Nutcracker” yet during the final big dance routine, we don’t hear something like “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies” but instead, Demi Lovato’s “Confident” blares.
Look, I have no idea how that decision was made but personally, I envision a dopey Hollywood executive shouting, “Oh no! Kids will never sit through classical music! Crank up some Demi Lovato while this 19th century ballerinas compete!
Also, one of the ballerinas wears pink leg warmers and a headband that seem out of place. Honestly, I can’t tell you for absolute certain that pink leg warmers didn’t exist in the 1800s but the kid basically walks around in an 1800s period piece looking like her mom dressed her with the help of the Target girls’ active wear department.
So…all in all, the Weinsteins had their chance and they blew it. I know when I saw the trailers for this film I wondered if we might see a heartwarming, historic film that might make Disney sweat. Instead, it was a pile of poop.
Say what you will about Disney, but they have their craft down and they keep in mind both the kids and the parents who bring them, creating a stories that work on different levels, reaching out to young and old alike.
Ultimately, that’s the key to whether or not an animated film stands the test of time. The kids will like this and that of course is the most important thing, i.e. that the kids have a good time, but the parents who bring their kids are going to be looking at it as absolute drek. Plus, when the kids who like it today become parents tomorrow, I don’t they’ll rush to show it to their kids as by then they will have grown up and realized that Demi Lovato songs ruin 1800s ballerina movies.
Perhaps the silver lining is that this movie will no doubt inspire a lot of extra sign ups for dance classes from little girls all over the country. Good news for the girls, maybe lukewarm news for the parents who have to get up early and drive them to practice.
STATUS: Not shelf-worthy.
What’s up?
I got nothing 3.5 readers.
Why aren’t you guys 7 readers yet?
Seriously, 3.5 readers. I really thought you all would have doubled in size by now. Explain yourselves.
Is My Girlfriend a Witch?
First, I’m not asking that about Video Game Rack Fighter. That woman is a Saint with the face of an angel. At least I think she is. She’s been playing Car Thief Mayhem for three weeks straight without a break not even for the bathroom. She just pees in a coffee can.
Second, just pointing out one of the top web searches leading people to this illustrious site is along the lines of “Is my girlfriend a witch?” or “my girlfriend is a witch” or “how to tell if your girlfriend is a witch?”
Listen bros. I’m not relationship expert, but if you have to ask…
Anyway, in case you missed it, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Witch:
Bitches be green, y’all.
Auntie Fucking 101
When Jon Snow bangs his Auntie, he gets…
Meanwhile at BQB HQ…(don’t even think about it, Aunt Gertie.)
Movie Review – The Hitman’s Bodyguard
So many motherfuckers, so little time.
BQB here with a review of the surprise hit, “The Hitman’s Bodyguard.”
3.5 readers, I literally expected this movie to be a big turd soufflé with extra poop gravy but I was pleasantly surprised to find it was a delicious chocolate cake with delicious vanilla frosting. Mmm, mmm…boy, that’s good eatin’!
But seriously. It’s an end of summer movie. The posters featured Ryan Reynolds carrying Samuel L. Jackson as though Reynolds was Kevin Costner and Jackson was Whitney Houston, i.e. depending on a joke based on a movie from the early 1990s that only decrepit old fucks like me would get.
Yet…it was good. So good. It’s funny and not just funny but raucously funny, in a time where the PC police have crawled up Hollywood’s rectum and wiped away anything devoid of humor.
Reynolds is the disgraced bodyguard given a second chance when he’s hired to escort Jackson, a hitman with dirt on a war criminal (Gary Oldham), to the International Court. Thus, it’s a race across Europe as Reynolds and Jackson become an unlikely Odd Couple, a pair of quasi-buddy cops where Reynolds tries to do things by the book and Jackson just wants to shoot everyone and shout “motherfucker!” in a repeatedly reckless manner.
Salma Hayek steals the show in what is probably the funniest role I’ve seen her in as Jackson’s foul mouthed, ultra-violent wife, a promise from INTERPOL for her freedom from prison being the only thing that’s keeping Jackson from ditching Reynolds and running way.
It’s great. Lots of laughs and if you’ve read this blog, I never let a comedy get a good review from me if it didn’t make me laugh. It did. Plus, a lot of action. It’s a surprisingly long film, but the action never stops and in a summer where the box office fizzled, it is probably the best action movie I’ve seen this year.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, motherfucker.
Bookshelf Battle 