Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Jul 01 2017
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Zom Fu

And Now Zom Fu Returns…

tabletdemo

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Yeah, it’s unfortunate I ended up taking a little hiatus on Zom Fu.  Ironically, I did so right at the end.

When last we left our epic tale, Junjie had just defeated Dragonhand, the Master of the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite.

It’s pretty much cleanup from now on, just the the final chapters where we learn what happens to our heroes after the story concludes.

Good news!  That means I should have another draft of a novel done within a month, perhaps sooner depending on how much time I can put into it.

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Jul 01 2017
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Toilet Gator

An Open Letter to All Big Time Hollywood Directors

Dear Big Time Hollywood Directors,

I know life is hard for you, what with having a job most men dream of and banging supermodels on top of big piles of cash, all while promising them a gig in your next movie (you aren’t going to give it to them are you, you sly dog) but I’d love it if you could take a moment to consider my book, “Toilet Gator” for your next project:

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Toilet Gator.  Yes, toilet gator.

It’s got heart.  It’s got soul.  It’s got people being eaten by a giant lizard while they’re trying to take a dump.

It’s a comedic romp, a heartwarming drama, a baffling mystery, an epic horror story, a romance and a summer blockbuster action tale all wrapped up into one big scaly package.  I have no doubt that the alligator chosen to play the toilet gator will become the next big celebrity unless, of course, you choose to go the CGI route.  It’s up to you.  Who am I to stifle your creative process?

For the hero gator hunter Cole Walker, I see someone like Jon Hamm, a bit up there in years though he has still retained his handsome features.  Maybe his estranged wife Sharon Walker could be played by someone like Kim Dickens, that chick the plays the mom on “Fear the Walking Dead.”  I’m not telling you how to make your casting decisions.  I’m just saying that we need a hot babe after forty who has fought the forces of gravity to still keep it tight, someone who has withstood the ravages of time and come out the other side with the ability to still pop all the boners in her general vicinity.

Is this the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators?  Yes.  But don’t take my word for it.  Check out this quote:

“Toilet Gator is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.”

– No One Ever

There’s no arguing with that.  Did I mention that Dame Judi Dench would be an excellent choice for elderly spitfire Maude?  As for Rusty, we just need a famous redheaded man.  What about that guy that played Brodi on “Homeland.”  He’s not doing anything important these days is he?

Look directors, I’m telling, this one is a winner.  So let’s make a deal.  Have your people call my people.  We’ll get the crooked lawyers to draw up the paperwork and I’ll tell you where to back up the Brinks truck full of my gold ingot bars as my compensation for allowing you to put the fruits of my genius mind on screen.

J.J. Abrams, you could add a sci-flare with an edge to this.

Tarantino, you could feel free to start the story with a victim getting pooped out by the gator then work your way to the beginning when the victim is eaten.

Scorcese, you could turn this into an Italian gangster flick with the toilet gator as the boss.

Ron Howard, you could hire Tom Hanks to play the toilet gator.  Just put him in some green makeup and then have him steal our hearts for the umpteenth million time.

Wes Anderson, you could turn this into an eccentric comedy, one where people who read the New Yorker and sit around their chic Manhattan apartments and sniff their own farts find it hilarious while the rest of us don’t find it funny at all but feel bad about ourselves for not laughing, like if we’d just paid a little more attention in school we’d get your jokes.

Christopher Nolan, you could make the toilet gator really dark and brooding and leave us completely unsure of what we just saw.

M. Knight Shyamalan, you could end the story with the toilet gator unzipping himself to reveal that he is actually a toilet elephant.  What a twist!

George Lucas, you could present the toilet gator with some fabulous special effects and then sell out twenty years later and add in a bunch of bullshit that no one wants just because CGI gives you the ability to do so.

Steven Spielberg…eh, I’m not messing with you, Spielberg.  You’d make a fantastic toilet gator flick.

Patiently Awaiting Your Answer,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Jul 01 2017
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Uncategorized

Zom Fu – Chapter 62

Previously on Zom Fu

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

tabletdemo

“Aaarrrrgggh!”

Junjie screamed as he came to his senses. He looked around. He was back in the Emperor’s throne room. The ghostly apparition of the Infallible Master stood before him.

“He…he killed my parents?”

The master looked away. “Yes, my son.”

“You knew!” Junjie shouted.

“I did,” the master said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Junjie asked.

“Because a mind locked in rage can never be truly focused on a higher purpose,” the master said. “You already despised Dragonhand for turning your beloved Mei-Ling into stone. You would have lost control had you learned that he killed your parents as well. You would have fought with fury, rather than skill…with anger, rather than cunning. You would have…”

“I would have known the truth,” Junjie said.

“You would have died,” Junjie said. “Dragonhand would have defeated you. Of that, I am certain.”

Junjie stood up.

“I intended to tell you,” the…

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Jul 01 2017
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The History of Farts

The History of Farts – The Big Fart Theory and Charles Darwin on the Evolution of Farts

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Of course, the most scientific minded of us reject the idea that God created the earth and all the farts upon it, arguing instead that the massive sphere we call home was created through natural forces.

Specifically, Dr. Hugo von Science, an esteemed Professor of Science at the Institute for Advanced Science Studies at Science University, spoke of the creation of the world and all the farts upon it in his seminal work, “The Big Fart Theory:”

There was a time when the space our planet now occupies was nothing but a dark void.  However, out of that void came large quantities of space gas.  These gases, which smelled terrible and thus had many of the same qualities as a fart, collided with one another over and over again until they created one giant super fart.  The super fart swirled and gurgled in an area we might refer to as the “metaphysical stomach of space.”  Finally, the super fart exploded with such a fierce velocity that it created a magnificent vortex, sucking in all space rocks within a radius of a hundred thousand light years.  These rocks collided against each other, slamming each other again and again until finally, the earth was formed, ironically, as the poop that came after the super fart dissipated.  We have been living and farting on the super fart’s poop ever since.

Fascinating.  But how did the individual farts come to be?  For that question, we turn to Charles Darwin’s fart evolution theory, which he discussed in his book, “The Origin of Farts.”

In my studies of the farting habits of the turtles of the Galapagos Islands, I have taken note of the following observations:

Some turtles make weak farts, barely heard or smelled.  Thus, they are fine company to be around but in the long run, the female turtle prefers a male turtle who can let out a robust fart, as loud, smelly farts are considered a sign of virility.  If the male turtle’s butt is working, then so to must his turtle junk be fully operational is the thought that I can only assume runs through the turtle’s mind.  And that thought must be a reality as I have seen first hand many, many hours of hardcore, down and dirty, rough and ready, bareback, no holds barred turtle sex between a female turtle and a male producer of obnoxiously loud and disgustingly smelly turtle farts.

Accordingly, if there is one universal truth it must be this:  via the process of natural selection, those members of any particular species who make weak farts will die out before they have the opportunity to copulate, their genetic material eventually removed from the population, whereas those with strong farts will attract a mate, fornicate wildly, and produce offspring capable of producing even strong farts.  When it comes to farts, it is all about the survival of the fittest fart.

Some very bold claims by Darwin.  Now, when you think about it, you may begin to wonder whether or not the concepts of creationism and evolution are reconcilable.  Here, we must remember the words of noted philosopher John Paul Fartre (not to be confused with noted philosopher John Paul Sartre:

Whenever I sit on the toilet and fart, I am reminded that I am seated not only upon a porcelain throne, but upon a large, circular sphere that hangs dangling in a vast sea of darkness, lit by a fiery orb that just happened to put there in just the right proximity to allow me to be warmed and to have light as I fart.

Yet, I am also reminded of some of my weaker ancestors, namely the prehistoric cave farters who tried to fart but could not and thus died of spontaneous combustion when their farts consumed their bodies from the inside out.  The stronger farters got together and breeded and centuries later, here I am, blasting out the remnants of my chili cheese fries without a care in the world.

Make no mistake about it.  We are here because some mystical, mysterious higher power deemed it so.  You may call this power God if you wish, but there can be no doubt that this power wants us to be here and he wants us to fart.

But take note of the fact that power gave us minds with the ability comprehend science.  And our farts have certainly gotten smellier and louder over the progression of time.  Some have even projected that if our farts continue along this natural progression, man may eventually produce what scientists have dubbed, “the uber fart” or the fart so toxic that it will consume the entire planet and waste it away into a worn out husk, a shell of its former self.

Frightening to be certain and yet we must remember this has happened before.  The dinosaurs, those mighty thunder lizards who occupied our orb long before we did, farted themselves into extinction and thus there can be no doubt we will do the same.

In short, it is possible to believe in fart creation and fart evolution at the same time.  God created farts and farts got more powerful over time.  Perhaps God has even given us a gift that he did not give to the dinosaurs, namely, a scientific mind capable of studying farts, the ability to figure out how to make farts less potent in order to stave off our inevitable destruction at the hands of the uber fart.

Powerful stuff.  Even more powerful farts.  John Paul Fartre’s warning could not be clearer.  Science and religion do not have to be diametrically opposed forces but rather, can compliment one another.  Scientists and theologians must walk hand and hand if they are ever to come together and prevent the uber fart from rearing its ugly, smelly head and destroying us all as it did with the dinosaurs so many years ago.

If you are an adherent to science, hug a religious person.  Religious people, hug a scientist.  Let us all get along in the spirit of stopping the uber fart in its tracks once and for all.

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Jul 01 2017
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The History of Farts, Uncategorized

The History of Farts – The Book of Genesis

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The Earth.  It’s been our home for as long as any of us can remember.  But just how much do we know about how our home came to be?

I mean, first there was nothing, then there was something, right?  That’s how anything is made.  First you have no pizza.  Then you buy some dough, some cheese, tomato sauce and pepperoni, put them all together, bake it for a while and then boom, you have a pizza.

How did our planet get baked?  Well, some believe in “creationism” or that idea that God himself created the world.

As we are told in The Book of Genesis, God didn’t just create the land, and the seas, and the all the birds in the sky and the fish in the water.  He also created…farts.  Yes, farts.  God cared very much about our intestinal comfort and wanted to make sure that relief after eating all the delicious food he created would never be more than a good toot away.

Don’t believe me?  Take a look:

In the beginning, God created butts.  Now, these butts were formless and empty, darkness spread throughout the surface of their cracks, and the gas was trapped between the cheeks.

And God said, “Let there be farts!” and there were farts.  God saw that the farts were good and he separated the farts from the butts.  God called the tiny farts, “squeakers” and the loud farts, “reakers.”

And there was evening and morning – the first day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that makes no sound but emits a noxious fume just the same.”  So God created a fart that could be smelled but not heard and it was so.  God called these farts “silent but deadly.”  And there was evening, and there was morning – the second day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that will remained trapped in the butt until the butt owner lifts up a cheek so that it may escape.”  And so God created a type of fart that can only leave the butt with cooperation of the butt owner and it was so.  God called these farts, “cheek lifters.”  And God smelled that these farts were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the third day.

And God said, “Let there be a fart that can never be controlled.” And God made a type of fart that pops out of the butt so fast that before the owner of the butt can do anything about it, it’s too late.  And God called these farts “kamikazes” for nothing will stop them from embarrassing the owner of the butt, even if they pop out during a super important business meeting or on a first date.  And it was so.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fourth day.

And God said, “Let there be a wet fart, the kind that makes a person’s butt sound like it is full of hot soup percolating its way through a coffee filter.”  And God created the farts that are bringing just a touch of wet diarrhea with them on the way out.  And God heard these farts and they were good.  And there was evening and there was morning – the fifth day.

And God said, “Let there be the grand alpha and omega of all farts!”  And God created the mega, super duper deluxe fart, a fart so potent and powerful that it makes everyone in the blast radius run for cover or, barring an adequate exit strategy, at least open up all the windows and issue such complaints as, “Dude!  What did you eat?”  This fart will have the power to not only cause those who smell it to question the farter’s mental health and physical well-being, but it will also ruin marriages, end friendships, and ruin lives.  God called these farts “blockbusters” and they were not good.  No, they were not good at all.  And there was evening and there was morning – the sixth day.

Thus, all the farts on earth were completed in their vast array.  By the seventh day, God had finished his glorious work on farts; so on the seventh day he rested from his work.  Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy because in it he rested from of the work he had done on creating farts.  He demanded that all of mankind take this holy day to rest and to fart, for all farts done on this day are good.

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Jun 30 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator First Draft Complete!

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5 months.  147,373 words.

And now, the first draft of Toilet Gator is complete.

I learned from the mistake I made last year.  I wrote a great first draft of “How the West Was Zombed” but that story turned into a multi-volume series and right now, I just need to get a few one and dones up onto Amazon just to start building that fan base.

As you can see from the Epilogue, the door is open for a Toilet Gator sequel, but also, shut just enough in case there isn’t a resounding demand for Toilet Gator 2.

I learned a lot.  Specifically, comedy is my best stuff, because it keeps me interested, makes me laugh, have fun, and most importantly, I can break the rules, rules that can never be broken in other genres.

Now all I have to do is get it polished up and edited.  Thanks for reading, 3.5 readers.

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Jun 30 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Epilogue

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Flanked by the secret service, President Stugotz entered a top secret government lab. There, he found Professor Lambert standing over a table covered with Skippy’s tail and a bunch of disgusting alligator chunks.

“Well,” President Stugotz said. “Can we rebuild him? Do we have the tech…”

Professor Lambert raised his pointer finger and pressed it over the President’s lips. “Shh! Don’t finish that sentence. It’s most likely a copyright violation. Or maybe it isn’t. I don’t know. All I know is that no one has ever pissed off Lee Majors and lived to tell the tale.”

“Blech,” President Stugotz said. “Don’t put your dirty finger on my pristine lips. I don’t know where that finger has been.”

The Professor sniffed his finger and shook his head. “Come to think of it, neither do I.”

“So what’s the good word, Professor?” the President asked.

“Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said. “I was honored when you asked me to participate in this project. Really, I was, but now that I have had the time to learn the end result you’re hoping to achieve here, I have to say, this initiative goes against everything I’ve spent my entire life fighting against.”

“I’ll add three more zeros to your check,” President Stugotz.

“And my morals just went out the window,” Professor Lambert said.

The professor lit up a doobie and puffed on it.

“Should you be smoking around the samples?” President Stugotz said.

“The samples?” Professor Lambert asked. “Oh, you mean all these gator chunks? No, yuck. We can throw them away. They’re useless.”

“What the hell, man?” President Stugotz asked. “I thought you were just going to sew all these gator chunks back together and make me a great big beautiful Frankengator, you know, a monster of my very own that will obey all my commands and pop out of the toilets of my enemies to devour them hole.”

“With the CIA’s help, I found something much better, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert said.

The professor punched a combination into the door of a refrigerated vault, then pulled out a small vile filled with a frozen liquid.

“Is that what I think it is?” President Stugotz asked.

“Indeed it is, Mr. President,” Professor Lambert answered.
The two men laughed in a profoundly evil manner. “Muah ha…muah ha…muah ha ha!”

When they were done laughing, the President turned to the Professor. “I’m starving. The First Lady has me on a new diet. Nothing but kale cauliflower. I’ve never been more regular. Believe me, there’s no one as regular as I am now. But screw it, I’m hungry, want to get something to eat?”

“On the way here, wherever ‘here’ is, I saw a fried chicken stand next to a titty bar out of a tiny slit in the bag the CIA put on my head,” Professor Lambert said.

“Professor,” the President replied. “You had me at chicken and titties.”

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Jun 30 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #12

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NATALIE BROCK: Witnesses on the scene reported that the ghost haunting the abandoned tuna fish factory was, in fact, an elderly real estate speculator engaged in elaborate scheme to drive down local real estate prices via an elaborate rouse. The suspect’s last words just before the police beat him senselessly and tazered him in all of his body cavities? “I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids and their dumb labradoodle.”

(Natalie shuffles some papers and turns to a different camera angle.)

NATALIE BROCK: In other news, the war in No-One-Can-Pronounce-This-Shitty-Country’s-Name-istan has come to an end, for now. Peace negotiators say that both sides have agreed to stay on their respective sides of the country and stop hacking each others’ taints up with machetes and to stop shooting rocket propelled grenades up each others’ butts. According to the newly elected prime minister, Buko Tuko A-doobie Doo, “No-One-Can-Pronounce-This-Shitty-Country’s-Name-istan will now and forever be a bastion of religious tolerance, a place where every man, woman, and child can worship God in whichever way they see fit, but seriously, everyone better start doing it my way quick if they don’t want to drown in their own tears and vomit as they watch all of their first born sons’ skulls get crushed underneath the powerful weight of my vast army’s tanks…Muah ha ha ha! Also, everyone keep voting for me or die. Thank you.”

(Natalie turns to a different camera.)

NATALIE BROCK: Good morning, USA. If you’re just tuning in, Kurt Manley, formerly America’s Favorite Anchorman, has retired from the news game to participate in an extensive, six month sex addiction rehab center, where we can only hope his testicles are snipped off and stored in the back of a high security vault where they can never annoy anyone ever again. I’m your new anchor, Natalie Brock.

(Natalie shuffles some papers.)

NATALIE BROCK: Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’m not the type of woman you are used to seeing on Network News One. I don’t have blonde hair. I don’t have big titties. I’m not even, quote unquote “hot.” I mean, I’m not so ugly that the mere sight of my face makes tiny school children cry, nor am I so attractive that you need to change your shorts every time you see me. I am, like most of you out there, average. That’s OK with me, and it should be OK for you, because I’m not here for you to fap to and yes, you sir, yes you, the man in Scranton, Pennsylvania with your hand down your pants. Yes, I’m talking to you. Put that thing down immediately.

(Natalie switches camera angles)

NATALIE BROCK: I’m not here to be fodder for your wet dream fantasy. I’m here to tell you what’s happening in the world, and to do that, you don’t need to be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties. You just need to be an experienced journalist with a nose for news and that, my dear friends, I am. Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re not getting rid of the Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties that you’ve all grown to love.

(A man off camera yells out, “Thank God!”)

NATALIE BROCK: Shut up, Dan. No, we aren’t getting rid of the Hot Ass Blonde Chicks with Big Titties but in the name of diversity, I’m proud to announce that we will be adding Hot Ass Redheaded Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Brunette Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Black Chicks with Big Titties, Hot Ass Asian Chicks with Big Titties and yes, we will continue to add every color of Hot Ass Chicks with Big Titties imaginable until our network is one great big breasted rainbow.

(A man off camera yells out, “Dr. King’s dream is finally here!”)

NATALIE BROCK: Nobody likes you, Dan. No, viewers, we won’t take away the hot chicks with the big titties, but NN1 owner Roscoe Whipplethorpe has empowered me to make a few changes around here and so it is with great pride that I announce that this network will also be adding plenty of average women, women without big titties, women with average and yes, even below average looks, women who will be able to captivate you not with their looks but with their minds.

(A man off camera yells out, “Boo! Lame!” Natalie Brock points off stage.)

NATALIE BROCK: OK, you can go now, Dan! Yes, I said go! Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

(Natalie looks at camera.)

NATALIE BROCK: I know it will take some getting used to, but after all, Network News One is America’s premiere source for news, information, and titties and as I told Mr. Whipplethorpe when he promoted me to this illustrious position, ‘Shouldn’t the titties attached to the women who bring you news and information on America’s premiere source for news, information and titties look like the diverse, melting pot of titties found throughout America on any given day?’ I think so.

(Camera pans out to show Walt sitting at the anchor desk next to a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.)

NATALIE BROCK: Coming up in the next hour, our very own NN1 cameraman Walter Kincaid will be interviewed by a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties about a book I co-authored with him about our award winning coverage of the toilet gator murders. I can hardly wait.

(Walter stares and drools all over the big titties.)

WALTER KINCAID: Me neither.

NATALIE BROCK: And you know what, while we’re making changes around here, I’m not going to make you wait through a bunch of crummy commercials, then sports and weather just to find out which one of the household products you use everyday is going to kill you, so here it is. Shoe polish makes your dick fall off. Don’t ask me how. A group of Canadian scientists have issued a study indicating that fumes from shoe polish can go up your nose and create a negative chemical reaction that literally makes your dick detach from your body, fall down your pants leg, and roll out onto the floor before coming to a full stop like a sad little lump of clay. Brubaker’s Magic Shoeshine Polish is the brand to avoid so if you want to keep your dick, stay away from Brubaker’s. Please enjoy these commercials and after that, we’ll be back with sports and weather. For NN1, I’m Natalie Brock, and I’m an average woman with medium sized titties.

ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The hottest and also the smartest regular looking women whose titty size is none of your business! Oh yeah, and we’ll reporting the news and shit a lot more from here on.

 

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Jun 30 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 114

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Over a hundred shirtless men had crammed themselves into a dimly lit basement. They swilled beer and cursed without a care as they held up stacks of dollar bills.

“Give me fifty on Bruno!” one man shouted.

“I’ll take a grand on Stanley!” another man cried.

Rusty, himself shirtless and sweaty, strolled through the ring, collecting bets. “Have I got all the action? Yeah? Then gentlemen, to your positions!”

Two absurdly obese and ridiculously hairy men entered the ring. They leered at one another and growled.

“In this corner,” Rusty said. “Weighing in at four hundred and twenty eight pounds, Bruno the Bear!”

The crowd cheered.

“And in this corner, weighing so much that he broke the damn scale, Stanley the Stallion!”

The crowd cheered again.

Rusty stood between the two men. “Alright. You know the rules. You know what I expect them to be followed. Now get out there and give it your all, gents!”

The redheaded man exited the ring and joined a shirtless Moses and a shirtless Felix at the judge’s table.

“This was an inspired idea, Moses,” Rusty said.

“Yeah,” Moses said. “But Felix did all the legwork and you did all the promotion.”

“We’re a good team, aren’t we?” Rusty asked.

“You better believe it,” Moses said.

Rusty picked up a microphone and stood up. “Gentelemen, are you ready?”

The crowd of surly, booze addled men shouted, “Yeah!”

“I can’t hear you!” Rusty said.

The crowd shouted even louder. “YEAH!”

Rusty turned towards the competitors in the ring. “Begin!”

Bruno and Stanley paced furiously around the ring, locking eyes, each man waiting for the other to make a move until finally, they smashed their big bellies together, wrapped one another in a passionate embrace and fell to the floor and a calm, soothing snuggle.

The crowed cheered.

“What’s the first rule of Male on Male Hug Club!”

“Sir!” the crowd shouted. “The first rule of Male on Male Hug Club is ‘Do Not Talk About Male on Male Hug Club!”

“Exactamundo,” Rusty said. “And what’s the second rule of Male on Male Hug Club?”

“Sir!” the crowd shouted. “The second rule of Male on Male Hug Club is ‘Do Not Talk About Male on Male Hug Club!”

A random man stood up and shouted a question. “Hey! Are those dudes gonna fuck or what?”

Rusty looked around the room. “What? Who said that?”

Unable to find the questioner, Rusty shouted, “What’s the third rule of Male on Male Hug Club?”

“Just because men like to hug each other doesn’t mean they’re automatically gay!”

“And the fourth rule?” Rusty asked.

“No butt stuff!”

“Damn straight!” Rusty said.

Rusty returned to the judge’s table.

“You were tough but fair,” Moses said.

“Yeah, well,” Rusty said as he picked up a beer and chugged it. “You gotta have boundaries. Just saying.”

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Jun 30 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator is So Close to Being Done

I want to say at most there are three chapters left.  So exciting!

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