Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

May 20 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 53

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While Paul stewed in silence, Sharon was once again sitting in Cole’s office, behind his desk. Gordon stood off to the right, while Buford was seated across the desk.

“Mr. Dufresne,” Sharon said. “My name is Agent Sharon Walker. This is my partner, Gordon Bishop. We’re with the FBI, investigating a high profile case in the area. Perhaps you’ve heard of it as the media has dubbed the perpetrator as, ‘The Toilet Killer.’”

“Helluva thing those toilet killings,” Buford said. “No one should ever have to go while they’re going, if you ask me. You think the Toilet Killer got my Momma?”

“It looks that way,” Sharon said. “And though I’m sure it doesn’t offer you much consolation, I am sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” Buford said. “Momma was a real ornery spitfire, but a sweet old gal. Hell, she kept her prices low just to keep all the local perverts happy.”

Sharon made an odd face. It was a half-smile, half-grimace. She had no clue how to respond to Buford’s statement, so she moved on.

“Mr. Dufresne,” Sharon said. “Chief Walker has reported to me that when you arrived at your mother’s trailer, you shouted, and I quote, ‘I tried to warn her!’”

“I don’t remember that,” Buford said.

“What were you trying to warn your mother about?” Sharon asked.

“Again,” Buford said. “I don’t remember saying anything like that.”

“Chief Walker stated to me that when he pressed you on this, you said that you had tried to warn your mother about smoking while the pilot light of her stove was on,” Sharon said.

“That’s right,” Buford said.

“So you don’t remember saying you tried to warn her?” Sharon asked.

“Right,” Buford said.

“But you do remember saying that you tried to warn her about smoking?” Sharon asked.

Buford’s face turned red. “Oh Gee Whiz, now you’ve gone and messed with my brain, ma’am.”

“Mr. Dufresne,” Sharon said. “I suppose what I’m trying to get at here is the issue of whether or not you were trying to warn your mother about something more disturbing than a cigarette…”

“What?” Buford asked. “Like one of those computerized vape-o-majigs? Momma didn’t like those, no ma’am. She tried one once and said it felt like she was giving a blowjob to the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz.”

Sharon smiled. “Your mother sounds like she was a real character.”

“Oh yes, ma’am,” Buford said.

“Were you two close?” Sharon asked.

“Sure,” Buford said.

“Did you approve of your mother’s profession?” Sharon asked.

“You mean stripping and prostituting?” Buford asked. “Wouldn’t say I’d go around bragging about how proud I was of Momma for doing that but hell, it paid the bills and it’s not like she had any kind of an education or skills to fall back on.”

“So the idea of your mother and all those men…”

Gordon cut his partner off. He stepped forward and towered over Buford. “If losers were fucking the woman that gave birth to me for pennies on the dollar, I know it would piss me off.”

“She may have had discount rates but I wouldn’t call it, ‘pennies,’” Buford said.

“Not the point,” Gordon said. “The point is that it must have made you mad, the idea of all those dirty, disgusting men, flopping around like a bunch of diseased, out of water flounders on top of your mother.”

Buford’s upper lip trembled. He gritted his teeth. He began to sweat. He took a deep breath and then calmly answered. “No sir. That was between them and Momma. I could care less.”

Sharon shuffled through a file folder. “Mr. Dufresne, when you arrived on the scene…”

“Ma’am,” Buford said. “You wouldn’t happen to be thinking something crazy like, oh, I dunno, that an angel like little old me had something to do with my own mother’s death, would you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Sharon said.

“Y’all seem to be implyin’ it,” Buford said. “I’m in mourning, here.”

“I know,” Sharon said.

“I have lost my dear sweat Momma,” Buford said. “That woman was my rock, my best friend, my whole reason for being.”

“Your whole reason for being?” Sharon asked.

“Shit,” Gordon said. “My condolences.”

“I’m sorry,” Buford said as he stood up. “I can’t think straight what with my Momma gone. I need to go home and lie down.”

Gordon stared Buford down, silently indicating the fact that leaving wasn’t a valid option.

“Y’all can’t keep me here,” Buford said. “I know my rights!”

“Mr. Dufresne,” Sharon said. “No one has accused you of anything.”

“I have a right to a phone call,” Buford said.

“This is all very unnecessary,” Sharon said. “We’re just trying to establish some facts that will help us find your mother’s killer.”

“I want my phone call,” Buford said. “I want to call my Daddy!”

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May 20 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 52

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Cole sat behind an empty desk on the main floor of the Sitwell Police Department. Rusty stood nearby, while Paul sat in a chair across from Cole. The cops had found an oversized pair of sweatpants and a Sitwell PD sweatshirt for the boy to wear in lieu of his wet clothes. However, the sweats were so big and the boy so small that Paul was swimming in them.

“Wrong place at the wrong time,” Cole said.

“Twice,” Rusty added.

“That’s the story you’re going with?” Cole asked.

“Story?” Paul asked.

Cole clicked the button on his pen and jotted a few notes down on a yellow legal pad. “For the official report. Gotta be thorough.”

“You said you were in the vicinity of the bathroom where Chad Becker was murdered?” Cole asked.

Paul sipped a complimentary soda pop Rusty had brought him in a prior attempt to feign good cop. “I don’t remember saying that.”

“You did,” Cole said. “Best not to change your story now.”

“Again with that word,” Paul said. “‘Story.’”

“Again,” Cole replied as he scribbled down some more notes. “For the official report.”

“I’m the frat’s Beermeister,” Paul said. “That’s the guy in charge of…”

Cole held up his right hand to form a “stop” motion. “I know what a Beermeister is. I went to Sitwell Community College.”

“OK,” Paul continued. “So, Chad got wasted. I helped Britney get him to a bathroom because he was puking and shitting all over the place. The sorority house was the closest place with an unoccupied bathroom. Britney and I got Chad there, got him on the bowl and I stepped outside. Then I heard a godawful noise…”

“What kind of noise?” Cole asked.

“A roar,” Paul said.

“A roar?” Cole asked.

“Like a lion,” Paul said. “I heard it at the trailer tonight too.”
Cole clicked the button on his pen a few times. “You on drugs, Paul?”

“No,” Paul said. “I never touch the stuff sir.”

Cole reviewed his notes. “What were you doing at Roxy’s place?”

“I consider myself to be a good citizen,” Paul said. “I like to help out senior citizens and need, so I was helping her redecorate and…”

“Cut the crap!” Rusty shouted.

“Fine!” Paul said. “I met her at Big Ray-Ray’s and she offered to rock my world for twenty bucks. It seemed like a great deal while I was buzzed but as I sobered up I began questioning my decision and was about to leave when…well, whatever happened, happened.”

Cole twirled his pen between two fingers. “I dunno. Just seems odd.”

“What does?” Paul said.

“That you were on the scene at two of the murders,” Cole said. “You ever been to Miami?”

“Once,” Paul said.

“To a Countess Cucamonga concert, perhaps?” Cole asked.

“No,” Paul said. “I prefer the musical stylings of Stank Daddy.”

“Boca Raton?” Cole asked.

“Good God, no,” Paul answered. “They don’t even let you in Boca Raton unless you’ve got an AARP card.”

Paul looked out the window. It was dawn and the sun was rising. “How long do I have to stay here?”

“Just a few more questions,” Cole said.

“I didn’t do it,” Paul blurted out.

“No one said you did,” Cole said.

“You all seem to think I did it,” Paul said.

“What makes you think that?” Cole said.

“Because you’re asking me questions as if I did it,” Paul said. “Plus that redheaded cop is giving me the crazy eyes.”

“Maybe my eyes aren’t crazy,” Rusty said. “Maybe my eyes are normal and you’re the one with the crazy eyes. Ever think of that, hotshot?”

“Can’t say that I have, Rupert Grint,” Paul replied.

Cole flipped through the pages of his legal pad. “So, answer me this, if you were…”

“I’m done,” Paul said.

“With what?” Cole asked.

“This,” Paul said. “All of this.”

“We’re just asking questions to a witness,” Cole said.

“Don’t you want to help catch the guy that killed your friend and your hooker?” Rusty asked.

“Sure,” Paul said. “But I’m not about to get a bunch of bogus charges pinned on me because you pigs are too lazy to get off your asses and find the killer.”

“Pigs?” Rusty said.

“If the oink fits,” Paul said.

“Paul,” Cole said. “You’re overreacting. Everything’s fine.”

“This isn’t fine,” Paul said. “All cops are corrupt. I know how you all operate. I streamed Serpico.”

“Just a few more questions,” Cole said.

“Nope,” Paul said. “Not another word without my lawyer.”

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May 20 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Snatched (2017)

Ugh.  Schumie.  The Schumes.  The Schumster.  Get it together.

To quote Jon Lovitz’, “The Critic” of 1990s fame, “It stinks.”

BQB here with a review of Snatched.

Believe it or not, there was a time when I was a fan of Amy Schumer.  Her Comedy Central sketch show, Inside Amy Schumer, was comedy gold, with quotable lines, memorable scenes, and took equal opportunity shots at everyone.

Alas, the Schumer humor did not translate well into movies.  Her first film, Trainwreck, was in my opinion, a literal train wreck, the only saving grace coming from the ancillary characters of the film.  Had it not been for LeBron James, Bill Hader, John Cena and Colin Quinn, I’d of just asked for my money back.

In this, Amy’s second film, the supporting cast once again makes the movie somewhat bearable though again, just somewhat.

Amy, apparently hellbent on proving to the world that she’s a one-trick pony, once again plays the same adult female loser character.  Fired from her job and dumped by her boyfriend just before a long scheduled trip to a resort in Ecuador, Amy, or Emily in this film, convinces her mother, Linda, an overly cautious cat lady, to be her travel companion.

Blah, blah, blah, the ladies are kidnapped and it becomes a madcap romp as they travel through the rainforest on their way to safety.

Along the way, they encounter a cast of characters that keep me from marching into the projectionist’s booth and asking if they can just put on another showing of Guardians of the Galaxy instead.

Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack play a tourist and her retired special ops Army buddy who come to the rescue.  Their scenes are mildly humorous but they are underutilized.

Ike Barinholtz plays Emily’s shut-in agoraphobic brother, Jeffrey, a man who is too scared to leave the house yet must somehow cut through bureaucratic red tape at the U.S. state department in search of help.  He squares off against consulate officer Morgan Russell (Bashir Salahuddin) in a series of scenes that remind snooty Americans that the world is not like America and they should not expect people to go out of their way to save them if they get themselves mired in some third world deep shit.

Meanwhile, Christopher Meloni plays an incompetent adventurer who at times, seems like he’s the answer to the girls’ problems and at other times, like he might be the one in need of assistance.

You know, 3.5 readers, one of the worst things an entertainer can do is get too political, and I think the Schumes made that mistake in recent years.  She became a media darling.  To the Hollywood press, she could do no wrong and I feel like that may have taken her focus off her number one goal of being a comedian, namely, to be funny and make people laugh.

I laughed one and only one time – at a tapeworm gag that was pure gross out humor, and even then, it was the comedic stylings of the man who played Amy’s doctor that got me.

Amy’s schtick?  “Oh look at me!  I’m a wayward drunk adult who farts and acts like a child!  Vaginas are hilarious!  Oh wait, vaginas are now hilarious in a tropical environment! Tee, hee hee!”

Above all else, the film comes off as somewhat hypocritical in light of Amy’s public activism:

  • She’s against conservative immigration policies, yet portrays South Americans as criminal caricatures who sit around thinking up plots to kidnap people all day.
  • She often laments that men are pigs who only care about women for their looks and aren’t able to see the beauty that dwells deep within an imperfect female form.  Then she goes and casts two boyfriends in this film who are so handsome they look like they were chiseled out of magic clay by Michelangelo himself.
  • She’s pro-gun control, yet the guns are blazing throughout the film.
  • She’s against judging people for their life choices, yet her judgmental, cranky mother is the only voice of reason in the movie and the only one in the movie making the tough decisions necessary to keep the duo from getting killed.

The film isn’t completely without value.  I did connect with the back and forth between Linda and Emily.  As grown adults who still maintain relationships with their elderly parents can attest, parents never stop parenting, even in old age.  Unfortunately, sometimes the criticism that was necessary to steer a child into adulthood can come across as insulting to the adult child.  Elderly parents can’t switch themselves out of parent mode and into friend mode and adult children just see the elderly parents’ criticisms as non-stop accusations of incompetence (which are accurate, in Emily’s case.)

On the flip side, we can also see that elderly parents might sometimes have good reason to be so cranky with their adult children.  Throughout the film, Emily yearns for her mother’s validation and approval and as the viewer you wonder when Linda/Goldie is going to just bitch slap Emily/Amy and yell, “Bitch!  You are a grown ass woman!  Take control of your life because I’m too old and tired to carry you on my back anymore!”

Doesn’t happen.  Should have happened.  Would have made the movie more enjoyable.

The best part of the movie is that this will hopefully lead to a Goldie Hawn renaissance or Goldie-aissance.  Back in the day, the Goldster was the it girl, starring as the lead in many a comedy.  Private Benjamin, Wildcats, Overboard, and Bird on a Wire all come to mind.  (Note to Amy: Goldie managed to make people laugh without talking about her vagina every two seconds.)

Goldie’s may be older, and wiser, and has apparently undergone various surgeries to keep her face from drooping in her old age, but ultimately, she’s still got acting chops and we can only hope that Hollywood will recognize this and put her in some films that don’t suck.  After all, if her longtime beau Kurt Russell can hang with the Guardians of the Galaxy, then surely there are some more roles out there for Goldie.

STATUS:  Bordeline shelf-worthy but only because of the supporting cast.  The Schumes needs to come up with non-vaginal jokes if she’s going to have any long lasting staying power.

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May 20 2017
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Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Man Sues Date for Texting During Movie

Hey 3.5 readers.

Please put down all 3.5 of your phones.  No, seriously!  This is a very important post and yes, you!  Even you, .5th reader with your half a phone, stop texting!

Have you ever had a rude date?  Perhaps a date who texted a little too much?

Well, one guy isn’t taking it lying down.  According to CNN (and many other news outlets) a dude by the name of Brandon Vezmar has sued his date for $17.31, claiming that she texted too much on her phone during a showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, thus ruining the experience.

Do have questions?  I do.  Here’s mine:

#1 – Is this real?  Is this some kind of publicity stunt?

#2 – Did he get rejected?  Is this like a dude sticking up for every man who had to shell out money on a date only to get nowhere?  (If so, God bless you sir.  I’ve always felt there should be a law that if a woman rejects you, she should be required to refund all the money you spent on her during any and all dates within 30 days of the rejection or else be sentenced to life in solitary confinement.  Come to think of it, I’m going to start working with President Trump to turn this into a Federal law.)

#3 – Is it me or does $17.31 seem steep for a film?  Was it in IMAX?  Was it for both tickets?  Was popcorn involved?  If it’s for both tickets, is he claiming that her texting ruined even his movie watching experience?  Can he recover the cost of her ticket if she doesn’t feel her texting ruined her movie watching experience?

#4 – Is it rude to text during a date?  I read that the woman claims she was texting a friend who needed her.

#5 – Do you think this guy is a hero to every man who was ever disrespected by a date?  Or, should he have just sucked it up and realized that part of dating means eating the costs of dates that go nowhere?

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

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May 20 2017
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Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted

Conspiracy Corner with Tin Hat Ted – Are You a Lizard Person? Take this Handy Quiz and Find Out!

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By:  Tin Hat Ted, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Conspiracy Theorist

Ahh, the lizard people.  They live among us, you know, biding their time, working their scaly ways into positions of high social standing, waiting for the precise moment to strike and then BAM!  They embrace their true forms and we end up as their slaves.

Fun fact though.  Not every lizard person is aware that he or she is a lizard person.  Some lizard people have been wearing their human skin suits for so long that they went and forgot that they are lizard people, swapping out their fake human identities as their own.

Your neighbor, doctor, lawyer, proctologist, butcher, baker, or candlestick maker might be a dirty, disgusting lizard person!  Maybe your wife, your brother, sister, uncle or dog walker appears human on the outside but on the inside, they’re nothing but no good, dirty rotten, scaly ass sons of bitches.

Even worse….YOU could be a lizard person and not even know it.

But don’t freak out yet.  Take this handy quiz, for it is the only way to know if you’re a true blue human or a lizard person bent on world domination.

#10 – Do you like to eat flies?

Look, I’m not talking about that time you stuck your head out the car window while the car was rolling down the highway to get some fresh air because your cousin in the back seat farted and a bug flew down your throat.

If you gagged on that bug and were disgusted by the experience, good for you.  If you thought, “Hmm, this bug it tasty” then you could be a dirty lizard person.

(By the way, I don’t care how bad that fart was, keep your damn head in the car because sticking it out while the car is moving is a good way to lose your head.  You want your mother to have to go to your funeral and you don’t even have a head anymore?)

Ultimately, one or two bugs in a lifetime is inconclusive.  However, if you find yourself sitting down to a heaping bowl full of flies, bugs, wasps and other assorted insects then yes, you’re a lizard person.

#9 – You Think About Global Domination Twenty Times a Day

Less than twenty times a day?  You’re just an average human politician of any political party.

More than twenty?  Lizard person.

#8 – You Have Red Eyes in All of Your Photos

You definitely want to get your camera checked first but if it’s a finely calibrated machine then yes, it’s going to pick up the redness of your eyes underneath your faux human eyeballs.

#7 – Dogs Don’t Like You

Dogs are friendly as all get out so unless its a dog with a bad attitude, then it’s barking at you because he’s trying to tell all the humans around, “Bark, bark!  That’s a damn lizard person!”

#6 – You Have Detachable Genitalia

Fun fact.  All human suits worn by lizard people come with detachable genitalia.  Lizard people simply detach their fake human dongs and cooters after sex, pop them in the dish washer and presto, change-o!  They’re good as new and fresh as a daisy!

The good news?  Your nether regions are very sanitary.  The bad news?  You’re a lizard person.

#5 –  You’ve Been Receiving Strange Magazines

Suspicious titles (that you don’t remember ordering) include:

  • Lizard People Weekly?
  • Global Domination Times
  • Pretending to Be Human on a Dollar a Day
  • Lizard Fashions
  • Gourmet Bug Cooking

#4 – All of Your Relatives Are Lizard People 

In public, lizard people wear their human skin suits and never tell any humans about their plans for global domination.

In private, lizard people pop those human suits off and let their scaly butts hang out.  If a bunch of lizard people have shown their true forms to you, then I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but you’re one of them and they already know it.

Lizard people wouldn’t trust you with the knowledge that they are lizard people unless you are part of their lizard family.

#3 –  You Can Lick Your Own Eyeballs

Partially disgusting.  Partially awesome.  Ultimately, not normal tongue behavior.

#2 – You Have Strange Thoughts

“I want to conquer the world!”

“All must bow down to me!”

“Bugs are tasty!”

If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re probably a lizard person.

#1 – That One Time Your Face Fell Off and You Looked In the Mirror and Saw You are a Damn Lizard Person

Truly, the most undeniable evidence.  If your human face fell off and you found yourself staring at a lizard person in the mirror, then there’s no getting around the fact that you are a lizard person.

In Conclusion…

If you suffer from any of the above conditions, then I’m sorry, but you’re a lizard person. Please report to your nearest lizard person detention center immediately.

Do you think you might be a lizard person?  Report yourself in the comments…

 

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May 19 2017
2 Comments
TV

TV Trailer – Young Sheldon (CBS)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

So on The Big Bang Theory, scientist Sheldon Cooper has often referred to his difficult upbringing in rural Texas, raised by a family that did not understand or particularly care for his brilliance.

CBS, in keeping with Hollywood’s trend of never being original, has devised a Big Bang spinoff, Young Sheldon, chronicling the life and times of Sheldon as a ten year old high school student in the late 1980s.

Gotta admit, the idea sounded terrible to me until I saw the trailer.  Then I found it really moving.  So perhaps, on occasion, a spinoff has the potential to be great.

For example, in the trailer above, Young Sheldon becomes a boy narc, ratting on every student he sees for trivial rule violations.  To Sheldon, this seems only logical.  People do something wrong, they should be called out on it.

However, Sheldon’s dad explains that he was once a football coach, and he saw some inappropriate activity and reported it.  Was he applauded?  No.  He was fired.

Thus, Sheldon learns a valuable lesson – that his father isn’t the failure that he thought he was and also, there’s logic and then there’s social etiquette.  Bottomline – pick your battles.  Suck up and look the other way on the petty stuff so that you’ll be prepared when the time comes where you really have to report a serious wrong.

Looks great.  I’m a little iffy on whether or not it will have any long lasting staying power, but it’s worth a try.

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May 19 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator Feedback

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Hey 3.5 readers.

Stats indicate a lot of you have been checking out the most recent Toilet Gator chapters lately.  Cool.  If you have five minutes, I hope you’ll drop me a comment and tell me what you like and don’t like about it.  I’d love to hear the criticism, positive or negative.

Also, if you’d like to read it from the beginning, you can check it out over on Wattpad.  

If you’re not a Wattpadder, no worries.  You can still read it on this fine site.  You’ll just have to click where it says “Toilet Gator” in the left hand corner of this post (by the title) and then do a lot of scrolling to the beginning.

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May 18 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 51

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Cole stood outside Sharon and Gordon’s hotel room at the Trembley Suites and put his hear up against the door. For a few minutes, he heard nothing until finally…

“ERGH!”

“Shit,” Cole mumbled.

“UNGH! ARRGH!”

Cole backed away from the door. The sounds from inside the room intensified. “UGGGHHH!”

“Should’ve known it,” Cole said. “Like a couple of wild baboons.”

Cole walked down an aisle, feeling sorry for himself until much to his surprise, Sharon rounded a corner carrying a bottle of wine in an ice bucket. Her hair was wet and Cole stared as beads of water trickled down her neck into her bosom. It had been a long time since Cole had seen his lady love wearing nothing but a bathrobe and slippers.

“Cole?” Sharon asked.

“Yeah,” Cole said. “Hi.”

“Something wrong?” Cole said.

“There’s been another murder,” Cole said.

Sharon’s eyes widened. “Holy shit! The Toilet Killer struck again?”

“Yeah,” Cole said as he pointed at the room. “Hey, if you’re out here then what was…”

Sharon ignored the question and hustled towards her room. “Come on.”

“Can’t I just tell you out here?” Cole asked.

“Don’t be silly,” Sharon said. “Gordon will want to know too.”

Sharon popped a key card into the handle reader and the door unlocked. Cole followed Sharon into the room, nervous as to what he might find.

Sure enough, Cole quickly discovered he had good reason to be fearful. There on the ground was the most muscular, ripped, cut man but he had ever seen, pumping up and down.

“ERGH!” Gordon shouted. “ONE THOUSAND ONE….ONE THOUSAND TWO!”

“Gordo!” Sharon said. “Stop doing pushups. Cole has news.”

Gordon sprang to his feet, He grabbed a towel from the bathroom and patted himself down, wiping off his sweaty body. The giant looked at Cole. “Go on.”

It wasn’t that Cole wanted to stare at the massive python dangling between Gordon’s legs, but he couldn’t help it. A) it was like staring at a freak traffic accident and B) Cole became instantly riddled with sadness that it was much, much, much bigger than his or any other average human male’s.

“Could you?” Cole asked.

“What?” Gordon asked as he wiped the sweat from his big bald head. The other one. The one he thought with.

Cole pointed a finger downward.

“Oh,” Gordon said as he wrapped the towel around his waist. “What, you never saw one before?”

Cole cleared his throat. “I try not to make a habit of it.”

“Cole,” Sharon said. “What’s going on?”

Cole tried to blurt out some words but he was taken aback by Gordon’s amazing physique. The man was sporting perfect six-pack abs and a firm set of pecs.

“Jesus,” Cole said.

“Cole?” Sharon asked. “What happened?”

Cole snapped out of it. “Oh…right. Another murder. Roxy. An old stripper. Her real name’s Adelaide Hotchkiss.”

“A stripper?” Sharon asked.

“A stripper,” Gordon said. “An old teacher, a college student, a superstar. There’s no rhyme or reason to this killer’s pattern.”

“We’ve got two suspects at the station,” Cole said. “One’s some kid that was stuck in the trailer. You should have seen it the whole thing was knocked over but anyway…long story. He was babbling on and on about he he had also been on the scene of the Becker murder.”

“Holy shit,” Sharon said.

“Maybe some psycho that likes to stick around too long, admiring his handiwork,” Gordon said.

“Maybe,” Cole replied as he kept his eyes on Sharon, avoiding Gordon’s chiseled frame altogether. “But we also have Roxy’s son at the station. He showed up at his mother’s trailer, saying something about how he ‘tried to warn her.’”
“Warn her about what?” Sharon asked.

“He wouldn’t budge on that,” Cole said. “Thing is though, neither one of them knows they’re suspects yet. We’ve brought them both in on the idea that we’re just really concerned about their well-being but as soon as they wise up, the clock will start ticking on how long we’ll be able to hold them.”

“We’d better hustle,” Sharon said.

“Oh,” Cole said. “And about the victim’s son. He’s Buford Dufresne. The Mayor’s boy.”

“Damn it,” Sharon said. “Now that really complicates things.”

“You know it,” Cole said. “As soon as that horse’s ass catches wind we’ve got his boy…”

“He’ll waltz into the station with every crooked lawyer his used car money can buy,” Sharon said.

“Bingo,” Cole said.

Sharon set her bucket of ice and wine bottle down on a coffee table. “This will have to wait.”

She turned to Gordon. “Put on some pants, studmuffin. We’ve got worked to do.”

Sharon turned to Cole. “Thank you for coming all this way to tell us, Cole. You could have just called.”

“Yeah,” Cole said as he walked toward the door. “Well, you know me.”

“I do,” Sharon said.

Cole walked outside and headed for his cruiser. “Studmuffin? What the…”

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May 18 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 50

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Captain Roundtree counted down while his men pointed a firehose at Paul.

“One…two…three!”

Paul was instantly knocked down by the sheer force of the water blast. The men continued to spray the nerd on the ground until his body was no longer covered with the late Roxy’s blood and fecal matter.

“Not again,” Paul mumbled. “Not…not again…not…not again.”

“What’s he saying?” Rusty asked.

Cole helped the kid up to his feet. Paul wrapped his arms around Cole and held on tightly. “This can’t be happening again!”

The chief pushed the young man back and grabbed him by the arms. “What can’t be happening again, son?”

“This!” Paul said. “All of this! This can’t be happening to me again!”

“What’s happening to you?” Cole asked.

“I was outside the bathroom,” Paul said. “Where Chad was…I don’t know…I heard a roar…and I was here and I heard a roar…it’s all happening again!”

Cole and Rusty traded confused looks.

“You were a witness to Chad Becker’s murder?” Cole asked.

“Not directly,” Paul said. “I only looked into the bathroom after it all happened.”

“And you didn’t tell anyone?” Cole asked.

“I didn’t want to get in any trouble!” Paul said.

A few of Sitwell’s finest milled around, securing the perimeter with yellow caution tape. Burt walked over and threw a blanket around Paul.

“Burt,” Cole said. “Can you take this kid back to the station?”

“Sure thing, boss,” Burt said.

Rusty and Cole followed as Burt guided the youngster into the back of a police cruiser. Once the door was slammed shut, Cole had another request for Burt. “Whatever you do, don’t let him leave.”

“This guy’s that important?” Burt asked. “Looks like a creepy little pervert to me.”

“Just call it a hunch,” Cole said.

Burt shrugged his shoulders. “You’re the boss.”

As Burt pulled away, Cole and Rusty held a meeting of the minds.

“That kid was at both murder scenes,” Rusty said. “You don’t think?”

“I do think,” Cole said.

“Maybe he was just really unlucky,” Rusty said.

“No one’s that unlucky,” Cole said. “Except for me.”

A pickup truck pulled up to the scene. Buford jumped out of the driver’s seat, took one look at the trailer and dropped to his knees. He screamed his balled his eyes out. “Momma! Noooo!”

Buford stood up and ran for the trailer. Cole and Rusty grabbed him, one man on each arm, holding him back.

“There’s no way for you to get in there,” Cole said.

“And you don’t want to see what’s in there,” Rusty added.

“I tried to warn her!” Buford cried. “Momma! Why didn’t you listen to me?! Why?”

“Come again?” Cole asked.

Rusty sniffed and took a deep breath. Seeing that he’d calmed down, the officers let Buford go.

“I tried to warn…” Buford said.

“About?” Cole asked.

Buford came to his senses and dried his eyes with a dirty, booger infested napkin he pulled out of his pocket.

“About smoking,” Buford said. “I told her, ‘Momma, one of these days you’re gonna fall asleep with a cigarette in your mouth and the pilot light on your stove on and blow yourself to Kingdom Come!”

“That’s not what happened,” Cole said.

Buford sniffed. “It isn’t?”

“No,” Cole said.

Rusty rested his hands on his hips. “You always visit your Momma this late, Buford?”

“Maybe,” Buford said. “What, there a law against a being a good son?”

Cole and Rusty traded yet another series of quizzical glances.

“Calm on, fella,” Rusty said as he put his arm around Buford. “Let’s get you back to the police station. Get you a nice cup of coffee.”

“I can drive,” Buford said.

Rusty started walking toward his police cruiser, coaxing Buford to come with him. Cole followed.

“In your condition?” Rusty asked. “Now what kind of an officer of the law would I be if I were to allow that?”

“I don’t really want to go to the police station,” Buford said.

“I know,” Rusty said as he opened the back door to his cruiser. “We hate to put you through this what with you just losing your Momma and all but you know how it is when someone passes on. There’s all sorts of paperwork involved.”

“Paperwork?” Buford asked as he sat down in the back of the cruiser.

“Don’t you worry about a thing,” Rusty said. “We’ll walk you through it. Easy peasy.

Rusty slammed the car door and pulled Cole aside.

“Holy shit on a monkey stick!” Rusty exclaimed.

“I know,” Cole said. “Two suspects at once.”

“We’re on our way to becoming superstars!” Rusty said. “Gonna have our photos in the paper and everything.”

“You really need to get your priorities straight,” Cole said.

“And you need to get your ass on over to Sharon’s hotel and tell her the good news,” Rusty said.

“What?” Cole asked. “That’s stupid. I’ll just call her.”

“Cole,” Rusty said. “Don’t you want to know if that giant is railing your ex-wife’s vagina?”

Cole looked away. “Please. I’m over it.”

“The vagina that you once thought would never be touched by a penis other than yours?” Rusty asked.

“Stop being stupid,” Cole said. “This case is too important…”

“You’ll never have another opportunity like this again,” Rusty said. “Go on over to her hotel. Put your ear up to the door. If they’re fornicating like a couple of wild baboons in heat in there then you know there’s no hope of you two ever getting back together but if they aren’t…”

“Rusty,” Cole said. “I do not want to get back together with her.”

“Nor should you after what she did to you,” Rusty said. “And I will call you a pussy forever if you do get back together with her but damn it, I can see the way you look at her. It’s the way a fat man looks at a hot fudge sundae. The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to it.”

Cole sighed. “I guess it couldn’t hurt to tell her about all this in person.”

“There you go,” Rusty said.

Rusty got into the driver’s seat. Cole started to walk away, then turned around, walked back and tapped on Rusty’s window.

“What?” Rusty asked as he rolled his window down.

“What if they ARE fornicating like a couple of wild baboons in heat?” Cole asked.

Rusty flipped on his flashing lights and siren. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

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May 18 2017
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Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 49

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Like a juicy worm on a hook, Rusty dangled from a line that had been passed through the metal hole in the top of the flipped over trailer. The redhead had been outfitted with a harness that was secured tightly around his crotch and waist and wore a miner’s helmet complete with a bright, shining flashlight secured to it.

“Hold me tight, boys,” Rusty shouted up to Cole and the firemen, who were busy holding the line. “I don’t want to fall into any of this…”

Rusty studied the surroundings. The chairs, the couch, all the furniture, all of Roxy’s belongings were scattered all over. It was as if some dark force grabbed hold of the giant tin can and given it a great big shake. Worse, the walls were soaked with blood and…

“Shit,” Rusty said as he turned to Paul. “Hey kid, when this all happened, was Roxy on the pot?”

“Huh?” Paul asked.

“Son,” Rusty said. “I know you’ve had one helluva night but I’m hanging in mid-air from a rig that’s given me a weapons grade wedgie so pay attention. Was Roxy taking a shit?”

“Yeah,” Paul said. The young man was in such a state of confusion that he was having a hard time figuring out what was going on all around him.

Rusty shined his helmet light downward to find hundreds of smashed up pieces of…

“Porcelain,” Rusty said. “Cole!”

“Yeah?” Cole asked.

“We’ve got another one!” Rusty said.

“Another what?” Cole asked.

“Another toilet murder!” Rusty shouted.

Cole groaned. “You’re shitting me.”

“I shit you not!” Rusty said. “There’s shit everywhere! Roxy must have been having a big time blow out when the killer…”

Rusty caught himself mid-sentence. He looked around frantically. “Kid, is the killer still here?”

Paul pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?!” Rusty asked. “How could you not know?”

“I don’t know!” Paul repeated. “One second everything was fine. The next, the whole place has been knocked over!”

Rusty looked up at the ceiling, which had previously served as the floor. In the part of the trailer that once served as Roxy’s bathroom, the toilet was missing.

“Get your ass over here, boy!” Rusty cried.

Paul obliged his rescuer.

“Lower me down a few feet more!” Rusty shouted.

Rusty’s feet hit the floor. He tied a rope around Paul’s waist, secured it to a metal ring on his harness with a hook, then tugged on the line.

“Pull us up!” Rusty said.

Cole and the firemen heaved and heaved until Rusty and Paul were safely on top of the trailer.

“Is he down there?” Cole asked as he shined a light into the square hole.

“No,” Rusty said. “He’s gone.”

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