By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh! No, 3.5 readers!
No one cares that you went to Bora Bora or Cancun or your Cousin Fred’s farm. Your vacation was awful and boring. Just admit it.
Vampires do not want to see that shit. That’s why we don’t follow you on Vampbook anymore.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Honestly, 3.5 readers.
What is a ukulele?
Bleh! Is it a real instrument? Is it more than just a tiny, shrunken guitar? How do you play one of those things?
Vampires are not into ukuleles at all. We will never attend your luau.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh!
Hello again, 3.5 readers.
Yes, it is I, Count Krakovich, here to again regale you with another way to defeat a vampire.
You can defeat a vampire with fan fiction.
That’s right.
I know that to you, your fan fiction tribute to Star Wars or Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Game of Thrones or what have you is special but to the rest of the world and especially vampires, who have good taste when it comes to books, your fan fiction stinks. It really does.
No joke. If you read your fan fiction to a vampire he will hiss and fly away.
Have you ever read your fan fiction to a vampire?
Discuss in the comments.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Nukes destroy everything and vampires aren’t impervious to them.
Can’t say I’d recommend this option though.
Surely a vampire can’t be that much of a pain in the ass to warrant a nuclear attack.
Probably best to stake the vampire or hell, just let the vampire bite you. Its better to be a vampire than to be nuked whilst trying to take out a vampire. No vampire is worth destroying a large area with a nuke.
That’s just common sense, really.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh!
Well, it only took half a month but I finally got to an obvious one – stakes.
Yes, a stake through the heart will end a vampire’s reign of terror.
Stop being so cocky. A stake through the heart would kill anyone.
But there’s a religious irony. It’s like you took a piece of Christ’s cross and rammed it through a vampire’s still ticker (or heart that used to tick.)
Any piece of wood will do against a vampire.
Do not use formica or cheap ass faux wood. Vampires survive that all the time.
Steaks as in the meat do not work. Do not throw a porterhouse at a vampire. It will accomplish nothing other than wasting a good dinner, bleh.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
You’d think a vampire sex tape would be interesting but no.
Remember, vampires don’t cast a reflection.
Ergo, a vampire sex tape is just a two minute video of a bed that includes audio of a lot of strange, disturbing noises.
If a vampire is hassling you, just threaten to release that vampire’s sex tape.
Sure, no one will see the vampire, but people might recognize his voice.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Vampires are very lazy.
Therefore, learn karate.
Vampires are powerless against karate.
Seriously. That’s it.
Not every one of these will be a winner, people.
Have you ever used karate against a vampire?
Discuss in the comments.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Sure, you’re all aware that silver will defeat a vampire.
But did you know that it doesn’t have to be something made out of actual silver?
It can be something or someone that just has the word “silver” in the name.
Consider the following:
Change your name to silver. Wear silver clothes (have you ever seen someone dressed in a 1960s space costume get chased by a vampire?) or write a song about silver and sing it all day long and you will not become vampire chow.
How would you defeat a vampire? Discuss in the comments.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Stupid vampires.
Bleh!
This one is simple.
Vampires are easily confused.
Turn your back on a charging vampire and he will think you have disappeared.
It doesn’t matter that you are still there. He can’t see your face anymore so he’ll think you’re gone.
Stupid vampires.
By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire
Bleh!
I don’t know about you 3.5 readers, but when a political debate is supposed to be about substance and it devolves into which candidate is a less shitty person, it makes me want to crawl back into my coffin and sleep for a hundred years, bleh.
The next time a vampire comes at you, just play the latest presidential debate.
Bookshelf Battle 