I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, 3.5 readers.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Category Archives: Tomfoolery
BQB’s Quitting Soda Journal
I’ve got a problem, 3.5 readers.
Some people toke the ganja.
Others pop the pills.
There are people who even fill their nostrils with Bolivian Nose Candy.
Me? I chase a fizzy, bubbly dragon known as diet soda.
Sure, the love affair started out simply enough.
So many years ago, I needed to stay awake longer so I could study harder.
I thought all the studying would lead me to become a great man.
Had I known the height of my achievement would be to become the proprietor of a blog with 3.5 readers my responses would have been “What’s a blog?” and “Oh, I guess I’ll study less and sleep more then.”
Anyway, as the years went on, I became thoroughly hooked on the fizz.
It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like I need it to stay awake. But then because I’m jacked up on the caffeine, I can’t sleep. And then because I didn’t sleep enough, I’m tired during the day, so I reach for a soda.
Oh and the diet soda isn’t always enough. Sometimes I go for the hard stuff. Full on calorie laden regular cola.
And you know, if it were just me, I’d give in to the fizzy dragon. I’d let the aspartame and sodium and caffeine and god knows what else course through my veins until I keep over in a pool of carbonated brown sugar water.
But its not me anymore. Its me and my 3.5 readers and damn it, my 3.5 readers need me.
Who will entertain my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will feed the minds of my 3.5 readers but me?
Who will make my 3.5 readers feel better about themselves because at least they have accomplished more than starting a blog with 3.5 readers but me?
My 3.5 readers need me and I must live a long, happy, healthy life in order to entertain them.
Thus, I’m doing this for you, 3.5 readers.
Today, I will suck down my last soda.
Tomorrow, I begin the long walk to soda fiend recovery.
That’s right. No soda pills. No soda patches. No soda 12-step programs. No soda rehab centers.
I’m going cold turkey baby.
And I’ll update you once in awhile on how the soda quitting efforts are going.
I hope this will inspire you to drop your bad habits, 3.5 readers. Or if you don’t have any, to not develop any.
Thanks for reading, 3.5. As usual, you’re a trio and a half of good eggs.
Sincerely,
Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finklestein (Better known to his 3.5 readers as Bookshelf Q. Battler or BQB)
Rejected Olympic Games
- 10K Pizza Face Stuff – I’d be a gold medalist and then go pro. No steroids needed.
- The Middle Finger Point – Offend random audience members with a middle finger.
- Mrs. Doubtfire Dash – Contestants dress like elderly women. Whoever convinces dumb children that she is their nanny takes home the gold…also, gets arrested and deservedly so, freaks.
- The Bell Biv Devoe-off – Know that song “Poison?” Of course you don’t. Millennials are the worst. So it ends with, “That girl is poi-son…uh ah uh ah uh ah….whoever holds the “ah” the longest…GOLD!
- The Nap Off – Whoever sleeps the longest.
- The Gas Off – Self-explanatory. Judges rate expulsions from 1 to 10 based on sound, pitch, length of time, and aroma.
- Yodeling – The Swiss would nail this.
- Yodel Eating – I would nail this.
- The Blog Off – Contestants create a blog. First one to attract the attention of 3.5 readers wins.
- Cat Juggling – juggling….of cats!
- Extreme Wedgie-ing – First to pull the opponent’s underpants over his/her head and/or possibly use said undies as a slingshot to launch the opponent to the moon wins…the gold!
- Rubber Band Ball Making – he with the biggest balls wins (in the games and in life).
- Paper Air Plane Construction/Flight – Separate competitions for best plane and longest flight.
- Beer Pong – there isn’t enough beer in the Olympics.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Which rejected Olympic Games would you like to compete in?
Is Flossing Good For You?
3.5 readers, I’d like to share an important detail about myself with you:
I’m a flosser.
Oh how I love to floss.
I don’t use the regular string floss. I use those floss picks – the plastic ones with the floss strung between two ends.
Love ’em.
My teeth never feel clean without them and oh my God, the things I have pulled out of my teeth over the years that I never even knew where there:
THINGS I HAVE PULLED OUT OF MY TEETH WITH FLOSS THAT I OTHERWISE WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN WHERE THERE:
- Plaque
- Germs
- Food particles
- Pieces of steak.
- Pieces of corn (popcorn and regular).
- Pieces of chicken.
- Never broccoli. F that.
- Whole chicken nuggets.
- An entire pizza…still in the box.
- The dog I had before Bookshelf Q. Battledog. Turns out he never ran away. He had crawled into my mouth when I was sleeping and died. And here all this time when people asked me, “Sheesh, what crawled in your mouth and died?” I always thought they were being more rude that accurate.
- Jimmy Hoffa’s body. How the mob traveled through time to lodge him under my bicuspid I’ll never know.
- Pirate treasure, me buckos.
- The Lost City of Atlantis.
In all seriousness, for me, there is something that is both gross and satisfying when I dig that floss in between my teeth and pull out a hunk of something that would have remained there all day had I not flossed.
And mind you, these hunks of whatever remain after brushing, after using mouth wash…they’re just dug in there and only floss can get them out. If they remain, they linger, the bacteria eats away at your teeth and gums. Ugh. Ugh!!!
So, it bothers me to read this study that’s been floating around claiming that flossing has no benefits.
Here’s a New York Times article about it if you want the details.
My take on it is that they aren’t saying flossing is bad for you. They’re just saying it doesn’t do anything for you.
Balderdash, I say.
Look, I’m not a dentist but I made a pact with myself long ago to never allow lack of qualification and/or credentials stop me on opining on a subject I have never studied in-depth before.
So, no, I am not a dentist, but it seems to me that if brushing and mouth washing doesn’t remove certain particles, and flossing can (and boy howdy, have I yanked some doozies out from between my teeth over the years) – I have to assume that ridding your teeth of those particles has got to be beneficial to your oral health.
You know folks, years ago I never flossed. Like noted presidential candidate Donald Trump, I too have enormous hands and therefore, it has always been hard for me to get my fingers in my mouth with the floss.
And so, my dentist read me the riot act. Told me I was going down a bad path with my teeth.
So I brushed more. And used mouthwash more. And I got the floss picks and flossed regularly.
And boom. My mouth health improved.
So…I don’t know. You do what you want 3.5 readers but me?
I’m a flosser.
Holy Crap. I should start a blog completely devoted to pictures of crap I pull out of my teeth.
Not gonna lie. It would get more readers than this blog.
What say you,
42 Condoms for Every Olympian
I read an article that every Olympian at the Olympics in Brazil is being given 42 condoms to prevent the spread of the Zika virus.
I have many questions.
- 42? Really? Look I get it. You’re all young and in good shape. You all have a certain amount of fame, some more than others given what sport you’re in. But holy shit. Don’t you need to be spending some time practicing your shot puts and javelin throws and thirty meter dashes and all that shit?
- Who decided 42? Why not 40? Who thought of 40 and then was like “Well, better throw in two more!”
- Why not 25? I mean really, if you’re getting that much you must have some things going for you and at that point you must be able to afford your own condoms.
- Is this where we’re at now? AIDS isn’t enough to worry about? Now we have to worry about a disease passed by a mosquito bite and then it can be passed further when people dance the horizontal mambo? Crap. Holy Crap. It’s like there is a grand conspiracy to keep people from doing it. I blame the mosquito lobby. Big mosquito most be stopped.
Hello Nerds
What’s going on? I’ve been posting once a day since January 1, 2015. I didn’t make a big deal about it but I kept it going this year too. Last year, I wrote a lot of elaborate posts. This year I’m focused on the novels (to the blog’s dismay I guess) but I’m going to try my best to post once a day forever even if it is just something quick like this.
It does seem to add up search engine wise.
Hello Nerds
What’s going on today? I guess I’m pretty engrossed in writing my books so I have no other entertainment for you today.
Happy Sunday 3.5 Readers
None of the other revered Bookshelf Battle Columnists have stopped by lately. I guess now that I’m nearing the end of completing my very first draft of a book ever, I’ve been focused on that, rather than help my esteemed slate of scribes polish their work for your perusal.
Which columnist do you miss the most? Alien Jones? Dr. Hugo Von Science? Vinny Baggadouchio? Video Game Rack Fighter? Nerdstradamus? Search Engine Optimized Poet? Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire? Uncle Hardass?
Inform me who you miss the most in the comments, 3.5.
What’s up 3.5 readers?
I have nothing to say today 3.5 readers. Feel free to tell me something interesting.
Bookshelf Battle 