Tag Archives: amwriting

Dec 19 2015
4 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One Ranked #795 on Wattpad

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Take a knee, 3.5 readers, for I have some joyous news to share.

Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One is currently ranked #795 is Mystery/Thriller on Wattpad.

I know! It’s the first time I’ve been ranked on any kind of list, and that includes all of those field day participation ribbons I racked up in elementary school.

You have questions, don’t you?

WHAT IS WATTPAD? 

It’s a great site where writers can publish and share their stories.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

To gain a following. To share ideas. To get feedback. For me, it has helped me get over that little voice that whispers “you’re not good enough!” in my ear. When people start sharing positive comments, that voice starts to pipe down. I highly recommend it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE RANKED #795?

Fame. Fortune. Hot babes throwing themselves at me. (Video Game Rack Fighter is too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to care.)

No. None of these things. It basically means of all the Mystery/Thriller stories on Wattpad, I’m in the top 1,000.

That was a big boost that I needed. As we head into the new year, there’s been a voice in my head nagging me that I’m wasting my time with this and I needed something like this to happen.

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Aunt Gertie’s going to tell all the gals at the old folks’ home about this!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

I’m not sure. If you know how the Wattpad rankings work, please let me know. I’ve been making an effort to comment/share feedback on others’s stories lately, I started a new site for the “Pop Culture Mysteries” –  popculturemysteries.com, a Facebook page  and so on.

I’ve been posting the story in rough draft form on this site, Bookshelf Battle, since June and have been sharing PCM stories on Wattpad for awhile.

BUT – what really surprised me is that this particularly version “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One” has only been up since the beginning of December. So to get into the top grand people really began taking notice, however it happened.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH SEASON ONE?

My writing process:

  • I’ve written some posts on this blog. I am writing others in a word document.
  • I’m revising them, polishing them, and posting them in Season One on Wattpad.
  • Eventually, these posts will reach their final home on popculturemysteries.com, which should be “officially” up and running by April 1.
  • Right now, I’m wrapping up a revised edition of “Enter the Blonde” in which Jake and Delilah meet for the first time and negotiate the infamous “Pop Culture Mystery Contract.”

HOW CAN WE HELP YOU, BQB?

An excellent question. Frankly, it’s about time you asked it. The first thought you should have when you wake up in the morning should be, “What can I do to help Bookshelf Q. Battler’s writing career?”

I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for Earth. The Mighty Potentate has threatened to conquer our planet if I don’t get myself established as a noteworthy scribe soon.

My hope is to sustain and even surpass this rank. I’d like to move up higher on the charts.

If you’re on Wattpad, please consider following me – @bookshelfbattle and voting for/commenting on “Pop Culture Mysteries – Season One.”

Let me know what’s working and what isn’t. All kidding aside, this is a fun, unique story told in a very distinct hardboiled voice, and I think people are slowly but surely starting to recognize it.

I just need to get my butt in gear to keep them coming back for more.

If you’re not a Wattpadder, become one! Sign up, share some stories, trade ideas with other writers. Maybe this will be your big break. A number of writing careers have been successfully launched thanks to Wattpad.

THANKS 3.5 READERS

You are all appreciated. I couldn’t have done this without you. By the way, do you realize if each of you would just tell one friend about my efforts, I’d end up with 7 whole readers?

So many readers.  Must have more readers…

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Dec 15 2015
1 Comment
Writing

BQB’s Future Game Plan

My previous post aside, here is where my mind is at the moment:1371251154

SEASON ONE OF POP CULTURE MYSTERIES – A series of posted stories on popculturemysteries.com in which Jake Dashing, a private investigator who fell asleep for sixty years, adjusts to modern life. Begrudgingly, he’ll search for answers to BQB’s pop culture questions and share mysteries from his past and present.

By the end of Season One, Jake’s past will catch up to him in the form of an “item” or “items” he acquired during a mission he went on in World War II in which he <WAIT FOR IT> punched Adolf Hitler in the face.

Someone wants that item/items. A bad someone. And he’ll be willing to wreak havoc on Jake’s new modern life and the people he cares about to get it.

And that someone does not like that Jake has been talking online about how he punched Hitler in the face, even if BQB’s blogs only have 3.5 readers.

That’s 3.5 too many for this bad guy.

THAT LEADS INTO…

OPERATION FUHRERPUNSCHEN – the first novel I hope to publish set in Jake’s world, detailing how he, you guessed it, punched Adolf Hitler in the face and acquired the item/items so desired by the bad guy in season one.

BOOKSHELF BATTLE CROSSOVER – Yup. If you’re into it, you’ll have to read both blogs. The “bad someone” will infuriate Jake to the point where top secrets be damned and he contracts with Bookshelf Q. Battler to publish Operation Fuhrerpunschen.

There is significant backlash.  Bookshelf Q. Battler, for helping Jake disclose details of the top secret punch Hitler in the face mission, is taken from his beloved BQB Headquarters and thrown into an undisclosed, clandestine government “black site.”

Video Game Rack Fighter will then take the blog over as host for the foreseeable future after that, saddened that her nerdy man is gone but willing to do her part to keep his dream of entertaining 3.5 readers alive.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER NOVEL – At first I thought BQB’s escapes were only something for the blog, but I thought of an idea that is funny enough (with just the right amount of adventure) that it might be worth a full fledged novel.

Long story short, a worldwide crisis occurs…THAT ONLY A NERD CAN SOLVE.  BQB is given the chance to win back his freedom…IF HE SAVES THE WORLD!

UNDISCLOSED OTHER NOVEL – BQB might spend a long ass time in that black site, giving me enough time to write a novel that has nothing to do with BQB or Jake. Did I say I’ll write it? I mean that Video Game Rack Fighter will find a novel that BQB wrote and self-publish it for him…I can only assume because doing so will keep the Mighty Potentate at bay.

The Mighty Potentate won’t be pleased the Chosen One is missing, after all.

THE FUTURE, FUTURE: Notice I haven’t said when any of the above will happen because who the heck knows when I’ll be able to get to all or any of it? A year?  Couple of years? I don’t know. As fast as possible without sacrificing quality or giving myself a stroke basically.

But, if you all dig it and the numbers are there to justify carrying on, I foresee:

MORE JAKE NOVELS: Two more after the Hitler punching mission in which Jake a) has an adventure in Hong Kong and b) has an adventure in Cuba before going back to America. And if you like it, there will be more cases from his past and even some more novel worthy adventures in his present.

MORE BQB NOVELS – If I can think of more BQB novel worthy nonsense. That I’m not sure of.  But possibly.  They will likely require a character to sit the adventure out and host the blog with the claim that BQB can’t blog right now as he is on an adventure.  Maybe the Yeti can take over.

MORE INDEPENDENT NOVELS – That have nothing to do with this nonsense. VGRF keeps finding them in BQB’s sock drawer or something. Who knows?

DESIGN – The books will be written in such a way that you won’t have had to read the blogs to enjoy them. If you enjoy the books, hopefully you’ll dig deeper into the blogs.

And allow me to sell you more stuff so I can get pizzaid.  I didn’t say that. I’m in this for the art.

ANYWAY… I’ve just laid out a possible game plan for the future, what say you, 3.5 readers?  Are you in for this ride or does it all sound incredibly dumb and I should just go pound sand?

 

 

 

 

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Dec 15 2015
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Writing

Blogging vs. Book Writing

I fully intended to write and self-publish a book this year.

Originally, the one post a day challenge was never meant to be anything more than “at least say hello” once a day to attract more followers.

But then I got into it. Bookshelf Q. Battler was born. His supporting cast was born. Holy crap, there was even a spin off in “Pop Culture Mysteries.”

As the year comes to an end, I’ve gained roughly a thousand new blog followers, over 5000 additional Twitter followers, 800 Google Plus followers, etc.

That’s all great, though few of them actually make the leap to come over and check what’s happening on the blog.

So as rich as BQB’s world has grown, it dawns on me that had I taken the bit of time I used every day to write a blog post and focused it onto a novel, I’d of been able to get a novel published this year.

There’s the rub. There are many who say that getting that book out onto Amazon will do more for you than blogging. Amazon has more power than your blog, after all.

But then there’s another rub. There’s two rubs. Until this becomes a money making endeavor, I’d rather let BQB take all the credit. But that means building up the BQB brand. Giving our nerdy hero a backstory, friends, enemies, building his world, Jake’s world, and letting them cross over on the blogs now and again.

I worry that people don’t like to read fiction on blogs. But my hope is that maybe enough of you will grow to like BQB and Jake enough to want to read their adventures in a book format, whenever I get around to writing and publishing one.

Meanwhile, when that book comes out, I hope people who like it will be interested enough to check out the stuff on my blogs.

QUESTION: Stick with the fictional blogs tying into books idea or scrap it and just focus on writing and publishing 1-2 books a year, with little to no more blogging as that cuts too much into book writing time. My free time is very limited so whatever I do, it needs to count.

 

 

 

 

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Dec 10 2015
8 Comments
Writing

Fictional Blogs – What Do You Think?

Ahem.  *clears throat*

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Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog…in a rare moment where he isn’t licking his nose.

Going forward, the gist of “Bookshelf Battle” is this:

It’s a fictional blog chronicling the adventures of Bookshelf Q. Battler, a nerd/blogger/caretaker of a magic bookshelf. He is the proprietor of “The Bookshelf Battle Blog,” a site that caters only to 3.5 readers. No matter how many readers this site actually gets, in “the story” BQB only gets 3.5 readers.

While pursuing his dream of becoming a writer, BQB faces all manner of villains, yetis, a mad scientist, zombies and more.  He’s haunted by his deceased grumpy uncle and his alive aunt runs circles around him with all the debauchery she gets into.

He lives in East Randomtown, a burg filled with all manner of weirdos, degenerates, and losers, several of whom look to BQB as a leader due to the fact that he’s created a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers, which shows how little the citizenry has achieved. Others argue its the late Doug Hauser, who was an extra for 30 seconds in a 1980’s cop drama, or the late Leo McKoy, the man who’s 95 percent sure he delivered a reuben sandwich to James Van Der Beek at the height of his Dawson’s Creek glory.

In short, East Randomtowners have a tendency to crap on BQB only to then call on him whenever disaster strikes, and as one of few citizens with more than two brain cells to rub together, he feels obliged to save the day.

BQB and his girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter are a team.  They support one another in their dreams and goals and also in fighting the various crazies that come their way.

To complicate matters, a maniacal alien despot, “The Mighty Potentate” has deemed BQB to be “the Chosen One,” i.e. the writer who will one day publish a book so finely crafted that it will convince Earthlings to abandon reality television, that form of entertainment truly despised by the Potent One, who prefers scripted media.

To that end, the Mighty Potentate’s emissary, Alien Jones, acts as BQB’s trusted advisor, protector, and confidant. Alien Jones views it as a crap assignment, but sucks it up and does the best he can with it, but often feels dejected whenever he catches BQB staring at his navel and eating cookies when he should be writing.

BQB feels tremendous pressure to write and bring hits to his blog, due to the fact that the Mighty Potentate has declared that he’ll conquer Earth if BQB fails to write a glorious novel.

Finally, there’s a spinoff, “Pop Culture Mysteries.” Jake Dashing, a 1950’s private eye who fell asleep for 60 years only to wake up in modern times, has essentially been blackmailed by BQB.

BQB claims to know why Jake took such a long nap and how he can get back to his own time, but he’ll have to solve 100 pop culture mysteries first.  Along the way, Jake will share tales of actual mysteries he solves, from the past and the present.

<GASP> Oh my god that was such a longwinded explanation.

That last paragraph, I hope, is where the desperately needed effort to monetize this whole shebang will come in.

If the “Pop Culture Mysteries” blog takes off, Jake’s first novel will be about how he punched Hitler in the face.  If people like it, there will be more Jake novels in the future.

The Pop Culture Mysteries site can be considered a stand alone from the novels.  They are about Jake’s efforts to solve pop culture questions and to make it in a world much different from the one he’s used to.

The tricky part is the stories on the blog will refer to things that happened, whereas the novels will get into more detail about what happened.

You won’t need to have read the blog or the novels to enjoy the other.

MY HOPE: is that enough people like the Pop Culture Mysteries blog that they’ll continue with Jake’s first novel…even if it’s like a hundred people that might be a worthwhile boost.

MY FEAR: I’m setting myself up to write two novels – one being a “season” of posts on the blog and then a novel.  Should I just write two novels and put ’em up on Amazon?

And also…I love writing and its my passion but I want to do it right, even if that means it takes more time…so potentially I might not get a novel out in 2016.  I hope I do.  It could end up that I focus on Pop Culture Mysteries blog in 2016 and then get the novel out in 2017.

I worry about that because I know getting a novel out there is what I need to move this all forward so…I don’t know.

Advise me 3.5 readers.  Is my fictional blog/novel tie in a good idea or the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard of?

 

 

 

 

 

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Dec 04 2015
2 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Open Contracts

By: Jake Dashing, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Investigator

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Pop culture.  It’s a world that keeps Bookshelf Q. Battler up late at night, his spacious brain filling up with one question after another about movies, music, television, books, and more.

I’m not sure I can relate. When I lose sleep, its because I’m too busy picturing all the Nazis my country demanded that I punch to death with my bare hands. I suppose each generation has its priorities.

Battler’s got info I want and he’s not forking it over until I solve a whole mess of mysteries for him.  But this whack job thinks of questions faster than I can answer them, so here are the mysteries currently up for grabs.

Being a private dick is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but if you want to try your luck at the sleuthing game, feel free to let Battler know you want to snatch one of these up:

MOVIES

In Star Wars, if the Death Star is supposed to be the size of an actual star, why is everyone able to walk around it and fly around it so quickly?

In Pulp Fiction, Harvey Keitel’s character, “the Wolf” is billed as a highly skilled fixer, one whose knowledge regarding the art of the cover up is so valuable that he simply erase all evidence of a crime, making it as if nothing ever happened….but then all he does is show up and tell Vince and Jules to spray the car down with Windex.  (Seriously, watch the movie.)  Was the Wolf that special?

TELEVISION

Did Tony Soprano live or die at the end of The Sopranos?  Was this a good or bad ending?

Why did the ending of Dexter both suck and blow at the same time?  Or did it?

On Gilligan’s Island, Gilligan and the gang go on, as the theme song says, “a three hour tour.”  How then, was it possible for everyone to become so irretrievably lost when they only strayed a mere three hours away from charted land?

On Married with Children, the running joke was that Al Bundy was disgusted by the idea of getting it on with his wife, Peggy.  Peggy wasn’t that bad looking though, even with her wacky beehive and leopard print attire.  What gives?

On Sons of Anarchy,  Jax Teller embraces a life of crime that provides very little return on investment.  Why is it that a scruffy bum who was lucky enough to win the heart of super hot doctor Tara didn’t just sit back and say, “Well, I’m going to sponge off my hot surgeon wife now, who no doubt makes a high salary because she’s a damn surgeon.  Hell, maybe I’ll even put my focus on turning the auto repair garage my father left into a profitable business.”  But instead, he just keeps making lousy criminal deals and then bumbles his way through them, often losing money on them and inviting a world of hurt.  Seriously, WTF?

MUSIC

Who put the bomp in the bomp sha bomp sha bomp and will this individual strike again?

Who let the dogs out?

What is a “hollaback girl” and why does Gwen Stefani go to great lengths to make sure you know she isn’t one?

To be sure, Sir Mix-a-Lot likes big butts and is unable to lie about this particular subject.  Why then, do the other brothers deny this truth?

VIDEO GAMES

What’s up with the hard sell?  Whenever you buy one they try to make you buy insurance, upgrades, and basically treat you like you’re trying to buy a fully loaded 2016 Toyota Tundra instead of a $60 fantasy experience.  What gives?

COME UP WITH YOUR OWN

That’s all Battler’s got for now but rest assured that loser will keep ’em coming.  That nerd has way too much time on his hands.  And if you’re a nerd with too much time on your hands, feel free to come up with a pop culture mystery of your own and raise it up the flag pole to see if Battler salutes.

For those of you who can’t translate hardboiled noir talk, that means tell him about it in the comments.

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Dec 04 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Contracts

By: Delilah K. Donnelly, Official Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Au chante, sir or madam, as the case may be.  It is an absolute delight to make your acquaintance.

If you are reading this then my client, the revered blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler, has selected you to take on a Pop Culture Mystery Contract.

I understand, darling.  Your mind is positively swimming and you have so many questions, the most pertinent of which are:

WHAT IS “POP CULTURE MYSTERIES?”

It’s a site Mr. Battler is constructing that will be devoted to answering the most troublesome questions about pop culture – movies, television, entertainment, music and more.  He’s retained the services of Detective Dashing, whose reports will form the bulk of the site, but Mr. Dashing can’t do it all alone.

WHAT IS A POP CULTURE MYSTERY CONTRACT?

You, as a noted author in your genre, will lend your expertise to a question or “mystery” relevant to your area of expertise.  If you’re a science fiction author, for example, he may inquire about Star Wars.  Romance author? Perhaps Mr. Battler will have a question about 50 Shades of Gray.

He’s currently assembling a list of “open contracts” or questions that you might select from, or he may propose one tailored to your specific talent.  You may even propose a Pop Culture Mystery of your own.

WHAT I DON’T LIKE THE CUT OF BATTLER’S JIB, SEE?

As an attorney I fully understand that authors must guard their reputations zealously and that working with a blogger who claims, among other things, to be friends with an alien from outer space, might raise an eyebrow or two.

However, consider:

#31ZombieAuthors – Mr. Battler interviewed 31 (actually 32 as two authors were a team on one book) in the month of October, 2015.  All were treated with respect, their questions and concerns about the project listened to and all were pleased with the results. Many tweeted and/or shared their interviews with their fans.  Several told Mr. Battler that they even enjoyed these interviews and had quite a bit of fun.

Ask the Alien – Darling, I do not presume to boast but as you can see, I am a fabulous person.  As such, I can’t publicly discuss a notion as foolish as whether or not aliens exist.  That being said, Mr. Battler’s blog has been running a feature called “Ask the Alien” in which authors ask an alien a question and he provides an answer, along with a promo of the inquirer’s work.  About 20 authors have “asked the alien” a question so far.

BETWEEN BOTH – Misters Battler and Jones have interviewed 50+ authors without complaint.

BUT I MIGHT COMPLAIN

You might and Mr. Battler will offer the same guarantee he’s provided to others, namely, that if you dislike the final post, he’ll take it down, no muss, no fuss, no problem.  To date, no one has asked but be assured if you do, he will.

COMPENSATION

Absolutely none whatsoever.  It’s not my desire to speak ill of my employer but Mr. Battler is a bit of a skinflint.

He can, however, offer you the eyes of his 3.5 readers and if its one thing an author needs, it’s 3.5 more readers.

THANK YOU

On behalf of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, a site I diligently represent, I thank you for taking the time to consider this modest proposal.  If you are interested, I believe you will find the experience enjoyable.  If not, Mr. Battler understands and wishes you will in your future endeavors.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mystery of my own to solve.  Which pair of these breathtaking shoes shall I wear this evening?

 

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Dec 03 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Announcement #3 – Pop Culture Mysteries Is On

Hi again, 3.5 readers.

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Why Delilah spends her time representing BQB will become part of the mystery.

In case you didn’t realize it from Announcement #2, then yes, Pop Culture Mysteries is officially a go.

I am the president of the television network inside my mind and I just gave this endeavor the green light.

At the risk of being vaporized by the Mighty Potentate, Undesiredverse will be on hold.

I like Undesiredverse.  I think its a continuation of my “so funny you’ll have a good time but serious enough to make you want to know what happens next” style.

But after thinking about it, I barely have enough time to see one project through and I have no clue how I’d be able to juggle two at the same time.

So as the president of my mind, I’ve decided to put all my eggs in the Pop Culture Mysteries basket for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been attempting to write a novel for years now and I continue to get trapped by the idea that “oh, this NEW idea is really EASY to write and I’ll bang a rough draft out in a month then pop it right out there!”

That’s why I thought I’d give Undesiredverse a go.  Man and Alien become caretakers of strange woman.  They must get her to safety and in the process, find out why all the evil doers want her.

I know why.  I can’t tell you why because hopefully I’ll write it one day.  BUT – as I thought about it, explaining WHY they wanted her became complicated.

There just is no such thing as a “I’ll bang that out lickety split!” novel.  There’s no simple fix.  If you want the quality, you have to put the time in.

So Pop Culture Mysteries it is.  I’m going to let my attorney, the enchanting Delilah K. Donnelly, make the formal announcement, but here are my preliminary thoughts:

THE BLOG

I found a blog template that looks like a desk, the posts and photos look like they’re on paper – so in other words, ITS AS IF ITS ALL WRITEN BY A DETECTIVE WORKING OUT ALL THE DETAILS!!!  Yup, the format was just too beautiful to pass up.

THE POP CULTURE

My experience writing #31ZombieAuthors cinched the deal for me.

One worry I had was that as Jake (or Mack?) goes on, his reports become less about pop culture and more about his own past and present exploits as a detective, boxer, and war hero.  I need those exploits to sell books.

But I also want the site to be about solving pop culture mysteries.

So:

  • Jake’s still going to solve pop culture mysteries in his own way.
  • Informant Zero is going to pose a Pop Culture Mystery Question once a week, invite readers to discuss, and give the answer the next week and finally…
  • Just as I did with #31ZombieAuthors, I will be seeking out writers who will be deputized as pop culture detectives and they will be given pop culture mysteries of their own to solve (in fact, if you want in, let me know in the comments below.)
  • I’ll also be interviewing mystery writers about their craft.  So ultimately, the site becomes a big mashup of pop culture, mystery, and noir.

I’M GOING TO BE BUSY

It’s December.  I need to write a whole season of Jake’s exploits and get several author interviews/contributions in the can and ready to go.

The main story will go all week but I’m thinking Mystery Author Interviews will be posted on Friday and Pop Culture Detectives will have their posts up on Saturday.  (I’m going to call these “contracts,” as it will be explained that Delilah delivered their cases to them).

I’m hoping if I can stick with it, I’ll be able to launch April 1, but at the latest May 1.  I’m really hoping for April.

Once April or May is here, I’ll have several months of posts ready to go so I can throw them up and then focus my time on Jake’s first book…for sale…for money, because, gosh darn it, I really need this nonsense to start making some money one day in order to justify keeping it going.

CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE PLOT?

Jake/Mack/Whoever He Is fell asleep at his desk in 1954.  For 60 years, his friends, Mr. and Mrs. Tsang, took care of him, followed by their daughter, Susan, whom Jake regards as his niece.

A year later after trying to figure out what happened, the mysterious Delilah K. Donnelly pays him a visit.  She’s an attorney for Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, etc. etc.

While BQB will remain a goofball on bookshelfbattle.com, he becomes the Charlie from Charlie’s Angels on Pop Culture Mysteries – i.e., he’s always giving orders but he’ll rarely show up in person.  Instead, Delilah delivers his mysteries for him.

A deal is struck.  BQB claims he knows why Jake/Mack/Whoever fell asleep for 60 years and how to get him back to his own time.  But he won’t give up the info until our hero solves 100 pop culture mysteries.

In between tracking down the answers to BQB’s questions, our detective will have to:

  • Adjust to modern life, with plenty of room for witty social commentary on how things that happen today seem odd to a person from the 1950’s.  We’ll discuss the good and the bad.  (GOOD – people have more rights.  BAD – People spend too much time using those rights to post about their lunch on social media.)
  •  Get Real Work – BQB only pays $5 bucks a case and our hero can’t sponge off his niece forever, so he’ll need to find real mysteries he can solve for pay.
  • The Past – tell us about mysteries he solved way back when.
  • Vigilantism – He’ll definitely start dabbling in taking down modern day ne’er-do-wells.  A hot police detective babe will take notice.

THE FIRST NOVEL…

…will be about how our hero punched Adolf Hitler in the face.  In the process of doing so, he obtained a certain item and, well, even though BQB’s blog(s) only get 3.5 readers, a person from his past will come looking for it.

To clarify, the person from the past will come looking for it in the first season of blog posts.  How he punched Hitler and got the item will be the crux of the first novel…which I will sell on Amazon…for many, many, payments of monies.

But not really.  As long as I get $3.5 dollars I’ll write a sequel.

THANKS 3.5 READERS

If you’re a writer of any genre who wants in on a) solving a pop culture mystery or b) a mystery writer who wants to talk about his/her craft, let me know.  Your books/blogs/social media etc will be promoted so check out #31ZombieAuthors for an idea of what I’d do.

 

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Dec 03 2015
3 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

Announcement #2 – Jake’s Name Change

A few months ago, I had a Kobayashi moment.

You know what that is, don’t you?

Remember when the cop in The Usual Suspects drops his ceramic coffee mug, marked Kobayashi on the bottom, and everything goes in slow motion as he, in a very shocked manner, comes to grips to the realization that Kevin Spacey/Verbal just snowed him?shutterstock_224427679

Oh.  SPOILER ALERT.  Sorry.  Whatever.  You had like 20 years to watch that thing.

I did some research and learned there is a noted noir writer with a character named, “Jake Hatcher.”

What are the odds?  I never beat the odds for good things to happen to me.  I’ll never win the lottery or get caught in an avalanche of bikini models but yup, I made up a random name and sure enough, another noir writer was using it.

And I’m not being disrespectful or anything, he seems like a great writer. He’s published so, you know, he’s running laps around me.

I did think “what the hell just use it anyway no one cares.”  And chances are, no one would.  But then, you know, what if that guy’s Jake Hatcher becomes a movie character?  That kinda ruins mine.

So after deliberating for awhile, I decided that Jake needs, at the very least, a last name change.

3.5 readers, please provide me with your input on the following:

DASHING – After pouring through name books, coming up with all kinds of possibilities, it dawned on me that it would be fun to come up with a last name that pays tribute to Dashiell Hammett, the author of The Maltese Falcon and the man recognized as the inventor of hardboiled private eye/mystery noir genre.

Dash?  Daschle?  Dashman?  Dashington? Dasher?

Then it just hit me.  “Dashing.”

I know.  It’s a bit contrived.  Almost like “Rip Pecchest” or “Dirk Steele” but I like it, its got meaning, and its the result of months of thinking about it and not coming up with anything better.

3.5 READERS: You spent months thinking about this?

BQB: Oh, the things I do for my 3.5 readers.

JAKE DASHING – I was going to go with Jake Dashing and I still might.  I have a subplot in mind where he is Jacob Roscoe Dashing and his evil brother who looks just like him assumes his identity (Roscoe Jacob Dashing, formerly Hatcher).

OR

MACK DASHING – It’s manly, rolls off the tongue.  It’s cartoonish but so is the whole concept.  Its about a guy who took a 60 year nap after all.  I suppose the brothers would be Mack Roscoe Dashing and Roscoe Mack Dashing (I wish my name was Roscoe Mack Dashing.)

Jake Dashing seems more plausible.  But as I studied the noir genre, there are a lot of fictional hardboiled private dicks named Jake.  I never found one named Mack.

His full named would be Mackenzie, which I know, is a girl’s name.  It can be a boy’s but its mostly for girls now.  I could write it away by having him tell Uncle H’s joke about “why the hell are there so many girls named after cowboys?!” and then he vows to never be called anything but Mack.

So Jake Dashing is closer to my original intent, but Mack Dashing is more unique.

Either way, his last name is Dashing, his first name is down to Jake or Mack.  I’d like your input.

Thanks 3.5 readers.

 

 

 

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Dec 02 2015
2 Comments
Announcements

Announcement #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler to Remain In Character

By: An Omnipotent Narrator

How It All Started

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Bookshelf Q. Battler

This blog was started by a man in a Taco Bell parking lot, who, whilst shoving a grande chalupa into his gaping maw, decided that he too could make a contribution of his own to America’s already bloated entertainment hole.

Living the dream, baby.  Living the dream.

He spent most of 2014 learning how to blog.  He’s still learning.  If anyone knows how, please tell him.

2014 he more or less took on the role of a nerdy, uncredentialed online lit teacher.  He wrote about his favorite books, poems, classic works and invited readers to talk about them.

He posted pictures of his toys next to his favorite books.  Yes, he’s a grown man but he did that anyway.  In fact, that’s how this blog got its name, because he called these photos, “bookshelf battles.”

That was all the blog was meant to be.  Book reviews and images of a nerd’s toys.

And because he was too shy/reserved to reveal his name, he started going by the handle, “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”

2015 – The One Post a Day Challenge

With a self challenge to post once a day, the person behind this blog grasped for ideas to make his posts interesting.  He still is.  If anyone found anything on this blog at all interesting, please let him know.

Suddenly, Bookshelf Q. Battler began having adventures:

  •  He gained an arch nemesis, an evil, fun hating yeti known simply as, “The Yeti.”
  • He informed everyone he is the caretaker of a magic bookshelf which causes literary characters to pop out of their books in tiny versions of themselves, then proceed to eat all of BQB’s food, run up his pay per view bill, and of course, fight over limited shelf space.
  • His former professor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, began writing a column entitled, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  Dr. Hugo would later switch his status from trusted good guy to traitorous super villain.
  • He explained to us that he lives in East Randomtown, a bug full of pathetic drooling dummies who view him as a celebrity because of his blog, which attracts upwards of 3.5 readers.
  • Oh, and he set the bar very low, deciding that as long as he gets 3.5 readers, he’ll keep blogging.
  • His long deceased uncle, Uncle Hardass, started a column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass” in which he makes fun of BQB’s attempts at becoming a writer, then moves on to a diatribe on everything bothering him.
  • An all powerful alien being, referring to himself as, “The Mighty Potentate” became incredibly disturbed by Earth’s love of reality television.  He hates it and fears it will one day spread off of Earth and across the universe, replacing all scripted programming with shows in which video cameras simply follow morons around while they babble about nothing and engage in moronic activities.
  • The Mighty Potentate deemed BQB “the chosen one” – the writer whose words will one day inspire the masses to abandon reality television.  (Oh and he’s decreed that if BQB kicks the bucket before doing so, he’ll send his alien army to conquer Earth and outlaw reality television so, you know, no pressure).
  • His Potentosity dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in  his writing career.  Alien Jones began writing an “Ask the Alien” column in which he takes questions from indie authors and promotes their works in his posts.  He’s helped twenty or so authors so far.  He has some misgivings as to whether or not BQB is actually “the chosen one” but doesn’t want to tell the Mighty Potentate, who has a penchant for vaporizing those who disagree with him.
  • BQB died on the toilet while shooting a lightning bolt out of his butt, BUT was given a second chance at life by William Shakespeare, who urged BQB to search for the meaning of life.  In doing so, he met his current love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, who is basically a female BQB except with video games instead of books.
  • Oh and there was a zombie outbreak that decimated his hometown but luckily 31 real, live actual zombie authors gave him the advice he needed to save the day.
  • You heard that right.  Real, live successful people cared enough to help this guy out.  I was as surprised as you were.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLOG ABOUT NOW?

<DEEP BREATHE>

It’s a chronicle of a nerd named Bookshelf Q. Battler’s efforts to launch a successful writing career, thus getting an intergalactic overlord off his back and saving his alien buddy from vaporization (as well as the Earth from alien conquest.)

Along the way, he fights the Yeti, a mad scientist, endures his grumpy uncle’s rants, his ornery bookshelf characters’ attempts to destroy his house (oh and that’s called BQB HQ, a sprawling fortress wrapped around a small house his aunt gave him.)

He’s also very concerned about keeping VGRF as his main squeeze.

From time to time, he takes a break from his writing career to tell his 3.5 readers what he thinks about books, movies, life and so on.

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The Alleged Man

BUT STARTING IN 2016, HE WILL REMAIN IN CHARACTER AND DIVORCE HIMSELF FROM – “THE ALLEGED MAN”

So a lot of people think there’s an “alleged man” behind all of this, that this mysterious individual just pretends to be Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, Dr. Hugo, all the characters really.

Preposterous, though because BQB has, on occasion, broken character this year, I can see why people think that.  Hell, even this post refers to an “alleged man” who just wrote about literature in 2014.  Sloppy narration if you ask me.

Going forward, Bookshelf Q. Battler has to stop asking the 3.5 readers about what should happen to him because this blog is just the ongoing saga of his life as he tries to become a writer with all of the hurdles he has to jump over.

To bring down the curtain for a moment, BQB was modeled after this so-called “alleged man” behind the blog.

After all:

  • They’re both nerds.
  • They both love pop culture.
  • They both want to become writers.

BUT, as you can imagine, “The Alleged Man” behind this blog and BQB have had a psychological split of sorts because after all, IF this alleged man exists (and no one is admitting that he does because that’d be ludicrous), he certainly isn’t friends with an alien, nor does he fight yetis, etc.

GET TO A POINT ALREADY!

Starting in 2016:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will remain in character.  Feel free to ask him questions, but he will respond in the manner of a nerd from East Randomtown who’s trying to launch a writing career in order to stave off an alien invasion.
  • He might even ask you questions but, you know, he’ll ask them as Bookshelf Q. Battler.  For example, “Any ideas on how I can promote my blog so the Mighty Potentate doesn’t vaporize Alien Jones?”
  • Once in a blue moon, the hypothetical “Alleged Man” might give the 3.5 readers a peak behind the curtain but that will be rare and keep in mind, that’ll just be all fantasy because while BQB is real, the Alleged Man is totally fake.  Some dude pretending to be all these characters?  Absurd.

Thank you, 3.5 readers and please stop by in 2016 as Bookshelf Q. Battler will become a stronger, nerdier, and more sure of his identity as a struggling writer/yeti fighter.

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Nov 28 2015
1 Comment
Undesiredverse

Undesiredverse Question – Men and Women

In Chapter 15 of Undesiredverse: Wanted , we meet Zumani, Roman’s ex-wife or current owner, depending on whether you ask Roman or Zumani.

Zumani is a belladonna, a member of a species of hot supermodel type purple space babes.  Assassination is the number one industry on Belladon (I’m changing the name from Belandria’s Dawn), given that these ladies are able to so easily dupe idiotic men with their…assets.

As we learn in this chapter, a year prior to the events of this story, a cultural misunderstanding occurred.  Zumani asked Roman if he’d like to “tie the knot.”  Roman, an Earth human, took that to mean “get married.”  He loved her so sure, why not.

But “tie the knot” means something very different in Zumani’s culture.  She took Roman’s assent as an invitation to literally tie a damn rope around his neck and drag him to a priestess who performed a ceremony and declared Roman to be Zumani’s slave.

And thus we learn the lowly state of men on Belladon.  There aren’t any natural born males on Belladon.  The belladonnas just kidnap other worldly males and force them into servitude.  Men have no rights at all.

Throughout the story, Zumani never calls Roman by his name.  She just calls him, “property.”

As our story unfolds, Zumani becomes one of the many ne’er-do-wells on the hunt for Roman, hoping that by capturing him, she’ll be able to restore her honor.  After all, a good Belladonna never loses her “property.”

To me, this is funny.  SPOILER ALERT – I only expect Zumani to make one more appearance in “Wanted” but if people become interested enough to see the story continue into a series, I forsee further awkward situations.

Maybe Roman will try to buy himself from Zumani.  Maybe Zumani will protect Roman because, “Hey!  You can’t kill my slave!  He’s mine!”  Or maybe, just maybe, Zumani will learn to have one of those so-called “equal” relationships with our hero.  Ehh.  Doubtful.

My question for you, 3.5 readers is, why is this funny?  Let’s face it.  Reverse the situation.  A race of dudes that enslave women.  That’s like a twisted horror film.  But an alien chick chasing a dude around the cosmos because she believes she owns him…that’s kinda funny.

At least I think it’s funny.  Maybe you don’t.  If it isn’t funny tell me why.

 

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