Merry Christmas 3.5 readers.
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Tag Archives: christmas
Top Ten Reasons Why Die Hard Should Be Your Favorite Christmas Movie
Merry Christmas and Yippy Ki Yay 3.5 motherfuckers!
It’s time to talk about why Die Hard should be your favorite Christmas movie:
#10 – First action film where the hero didn’t have almost super hero like powers. In the 1980s, Schwarzenegger and Stallone put out a shit ton of flicks where they’d shoot ten million bad guys without ever reloading and never get a scratch on them. Meanwhile, McClane is a cop, so he has training, but this one man vs. a terrorist organization is a situation that your average cop couldn’t handle on his own. Though I love Arnie and Sly, I can relate to McClane.
#9 – Hans Gruber is a bad ass, a gentleman super thief who is all about the money. He love suits, love talking about gentlemanly activities, and calmly enjoys a shrimp cocktail he snagged from the Nakatomi Christmas party as he informs the guests they’ll be shot if they try anything funny. RIP Alan Rickman.
#8 – It launched Reginald VelJohnson’s career and gave us Family Matters. In Die Hard, Reginald plays working class father/cop Al Powell, McClane’s only friend on the outside. While all the law enforcement big wigs worry about rules and procedures, McClane and Al share that same cut the BS mindset. Carl Winslow is so similar to Powell that you could, if you want, just assume that Al couldn’t take all the heat after Nakatomi, so he moved to Chicago, transferred to the Chicago PD, and raised a family next door to a nerd named Steve Urkel who lusts after his daughter and blows up his house with his harebrained science experiments.
I really feel there should have been at least one episode where Carl should have shouted, Yes, Steve! You did do that! And living next door to you is worse than the Christmas I spent talking John McClane through the Nakatomi Tower terrorist bank robber attack!”
#7 – Argyle plays Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” as he drives McClane to the Christmas party. It is truly the best of all Christmas rap songs. One might argue that “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses qualifies but…eh, it’s really an 80s love ballad disguised as a rap. The Waitresses were great, but they didn’t represent Queens.
#6 – McClane is also relatable because of his marital troubles. Sometimes a couple can have a fight and there is no easy answer as to who is right. Holly got a great job that took her to LA. Yes, McClane could have supported her but then again he had his own career as a New York police officer and she signed up to be with a man based in New York when she married him. Reverse the situation and you might think McClane to be a dick if he were hired for a job with the LAPD and demanded that his wife give up a job she enjoyed in NYC. Hell, if she makes enough, maybe McClane could have just left police work all together and moved to LA with his wife and taken a job as a security guard at Disney Land or something, though I doubt he would have enjoyed that.
#5 – McClane and Powell both have the same receding hairline, yet Hollywood suits allowed them to be main characters in a movie anyway. Sigh. If they ever remake Die Hard without Bruce Willis (blasphemy, for it really is a perfect movie) they surely will hire some hot stud muffin douche with a full head of hair.
#4 – Great lines that have worked their way into pop culture. “Yippy ki yay motherfucker!” because, after all, McClane was a baby boomer and baby boomers loved their cowboy films. A similar hero today might quote from a comic book movie or something. Also, I have found myself saying, “Welcome to the party, pal” on occasion, usually when someone realizes something way later than they should have.
#3 – Die Hard with a Vengeance is really the best sequel in the franchise. Die Hard 2 is ok and/or acceptable. However, in 4 and 5 (the films that take place in the 2000s), the franchise takes a bad turn when they do break the “average guy caught at the wrong place at the wrong time” as we see McClane starting to have those Arnie/Sly-like supernatural action hero powers. Yes, I think a plucky young cop might be able to suck it up and run through a floor full of glass with no shoes on and survive (as it happens in the original). No, I don’t a cop could hang onto the nose of a fighter jet and survive (as happens in 4).
#2 – Dick Thornburgh is an epic douche, as most media types are. See? Reporters were douches like before social media. All about hype, not really caring if they hurt anyone (i.e. barging into the McClane residence and broadcasting that Holly is married to John, thus making the situation much more dangerous).
#1 – Arnie was originally considered for McClane’s role. Arnie was great, and very much the John Wayne of the 1980s, but I’m glad Willis got the role. Die Hard might have been ok with Arnie, but a massive Austrian weightlifter who probably could rip terrorists in half off screen as well as on screen just isn’t as relatable as an average cop with a receding hairline and a wife he’s separated from.
In conclusion, Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie and it should be yours too. Thanks, 3.5
SNL – Glengarry Glen Christmas
“Nice guy? I don’t care. You’re a good father? Elf you! Go home and play with your kids!”
A Saturday Night Live Christmas Classic:
Home Alone Wouldn’t Hold Up Today Because of Harry and Marv
Hey 3.5 readers.
Me again with another Home Alone observation.
So, when this movie came out in 1990, the general consensus among the public was that if you were in someone else’s home and you weren’t supposed to be there, then you deserved to get bashed in the face with a paint can, get a nail through your foot, get your head burnt with a blow torch, get a tarantula dropped on you, get shot in the penis with a BB gun, break your back by slipping and falling on ice and toy cars, have your hand burned and so on.
I should know because I was a kid who saw this film in the theater and let me tell you – white, black, young, old, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, or what have you, every one was laughing at those two and the general consensus was those two got what was coming to them and good for Kevin for giving it to them.
Sigh. I feel bad there is so much division today when in 1990, we all were able to come together and agree that burglers deserve to be tortured mercilessly and caused multiple life threatening injuries by precocious children.
Today? Eh, people feel sorry for criminals today. If Hollywood ever remakes the movie, they might either scrap the abuse received by Harry and Mary altogether, or at the very least, they’d devote a portion of the film to explaining how “the Wet Bandits” turned to a life of crime.
You see, in the 1990 film, Harry and Marv were one-dimensional caricatures of criminals, a pair of incompetent bumbling buffoons who found great joy in ripping people off all day.
In a remake, you’d probably learn that Harry and Marv used to be pillars of the community, but alas they lost their jobs, couldn’t find work and ended up burgling houses in order to save up enough money to buy second-hand suits to wear to job interviews.
Kevin would feel bad for misjudging the poor souls. He’d give them a meal and some of his Dad’s old suits and hide them from the cops and let them live in his basement until they find jobs and become pillars of the community again.
Either that, or Kevin would be sued by greedy trial lawyers for all the damage he did to Harry and Marv.
“Your honor, my clients were just a couple of poor men who fell on hard times and while they are truly sorry for burgling the McAllister home, did they really deserve the brain damage they were caused by taking those paint cans to the face? I think not.”
Hey, if it is any consolation, this movie started a Joe Pesci-renaissance. This movie was the first time I ever saw Pesci in anything. He’d been in a lot of films before but then after Home Alone he pretty much got a part in like every 1990s gangster movie, so there’s some trivia for you.
What say you, 3.5?
Who Was Mommy Kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” Song?
3.5 readers, drop everything you are doing. Seriously, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of brain surgery, either performing it or having it performed on you.
Today, we are, once and for all, going to figure out who Mommy was kissing in the song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
The year was 1952. The baby boomers were booming and everyone liked Ike. Sock hops and malt shoppes were frequented by youngsters and every woman’s middle name was “Sue.” Becky Sue. Peggy Sue. Annie Sue. You get the picture.
A young lad by the name of Jimmy Boyd records a song written by Tommie Connor. The song is a hit and an instant Christmas classic. It is unlikely you’ll get through the holiday season without hearing it at least one time.
But forget all that. Is Mommy having an affair with Kris Kringle?
I’ve got to know.
The lyrics:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn’t see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep
Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
POSSIBLE THEORIES:
#1 – Mommy Kissed the Kid’s Father, Who Was Dressed Like Santa Claus
Once in awhile a father will go the extra mile and don a Santa suit to surprise his stupid little children. So perhaps this kiss was innocent. Perhaps Mommy was kissing Daddy.
EVIDENCE:
- “Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus, underneath his beard so snowy white.”
Hmm…inconclusive. Maybe it was a fake white beard and Mommy tossed it up to give Daddy the old tickle action. Or then again, one would have to move Santa’s beard in order to tickle his belly. Who knows?
- “Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”
This line is typically cited as evidence that that Daddy was just dressed up like Santa. The songwriter may be trying to give the listener a clue where the listener goes, “Oh OK this was just a stupid kid who saw something he didn’t understand and then basically accused his mother of being a whore under false pretenses.”
Personally, I can buy this, but I would like to know whether the husband was known to work late or be out late and whether or not the couple was having problems.
Were other holiday icons known to frequent the house late at night? Did the kid ever see his mother kissing the Easter Bunny or engage in lesbian kissing with the Tooth Fairy?
The song just doesn’t give me enough info.
#2 – Mommy Cheated on Daddy With Santa
So, the kid is pretty convinced this is Santa. Kids are stupid. I can’t condemn Mommy just on the word of a little kid. Yet, it is noteworthy that the kid does seem pretty sure. Yet, due to his youthfulness, he doesn’t appear to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Clause last night.”
Ahh. So sad. The words of a little mush brained child who doesn’t understand how the world works. No, Daddy would not have laughed to learn that his wife was unfaithful.
I’d like to know if the kid told Daddy about this. If Daddy laughed then, ok. Daddy’s in on the joke. Daddy dressed up like Santa and he laughs because the kid didn’t realize what was going on.
If Daddy doesn’t laugh upon being told this information, then he’ll surely question Mommy as to who she was kissing.
#3 – Mommy Was Kissing a Random Obese Bearded Man (Or, Mommy Might Be a Biker Bitch)
The kid doesn’t say he saw a red suit or any reindeer. Sure, a long white beard and a fat stomach is Santa’s signature look, but it is also the look of your average, run-of-the mill, unfriendly neighborhood motorcycle gang.
Do we know for sure that while Daddy is out working to support the family, Mommy isn’t making out with random bikers who look like Santa in exchange for her meth fix?
I’m not saying this is happening, but I’d like to know more.
#4 – Mommy and Daddy Were Role Playing
Daddy dressed up as Santa, not to spread holiday cheer, but because Mommy and Daddy are perverts who work costumes into their perversions. Today Daddy dresses up like Santa and asks Mommy to sit on his lap. Tomorrow Mommy dresses up like an Amazon warrior princess and gives Daddy a spanking.
Huh. Now I know why the 1953 sequel, “I Saw Daddy Getting a Spanking From an Amazonian Warrior Princess” was a total flop.
#5 – The Kid’s a Liar
Maybe he’s just a little turd that was naughty so Mommy sent him to bed without supper and so the kid got his revenge by recording a hot track in which he falsely accuses his mother of infidelity.
#6 – Daddy’s a Cuckold
Daddy knows Mommy kisses Santa Claus. Daddy likes to hide in the closet and watch.
#7 – The Kid Dreamed It
Maybe the kid isn’t a liar per se but maybe he has a wild imagination. Maybe he ate too many cookies before bedtime and the sugar rotted his brain.
#8 – Mommy Kissed a Bearded Woman
I’d have to know if the circus was in town at the time to be sure, but Mommy may very well have been kissing a portly bearded woman.
#9 – Daddy Looks Like Santa Claus
Maybe Daddy is also fat and has a white beard. Maybe this is an older couple who had kids late in life or maybe Daddy is like Trump and Mommy is like Melania where you have a couple with a large age difference.
And finally…
#10 – Mommy is Straight Up Kissing Santa Claus Behind Daddy’s Back
Maybe Mommy’s a shameless floozy. Maybe Daddy is a jerk and has been denying Mommy his affections so Mommy sought comfort elsewhere in the form of an obese, bearded holiday icon. Perhaps Daddy has been giving it to Mrs. Claus on the regular so Santa and Mommy conspired to seek revenge and this is the best they came up with.
All I know is the kid seems pretty sure about what he saw. That’s all I’m saying.
Who was Mommy kissing in the “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” song 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!
Daily Discussion with BQB – What is Your Favorite Christmas Carol?
What is your favorite Christmas carol 3.5 readers? I have to go with Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells, the Yeti smells, my blog has laid an egg..
Top Ten Observations After Watching A Christmas Story (1983)
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’ve seen this movie a million times since childhood and happened to watch it again recently. It’s funny how the older your get, the more things you notice.
Thus, without further ado, and I have to do this quick before the Yeti finds out, it’s my Top Ten Observations About A Christmas Story (1983).
#10 – Life is Hard
Yeah, obvious, but still, I notice this more as an adult than I did as a kid. As a kid I just thought Ralphie’s father was an old grumpy bastard. Now I know why he’s old and grumpy. You work all day and then come home to a house where shit breaks every five minutes and you have to spend all your free time fixing it because if you can’t then you have to shell out some of that money you worked so hard for. No wonder the old man swears so much. Consarn it rabbin blast it!
#9 – Baby Boomers Love Cowboys
Cowboys to baby boomers are what Transformers/GI Joe were to Generation X and Avengers and Spongebob Squarepants and Complaining About Literally Everything were/are to Millennials. Ralphie was a little baby boomer kid. He grew up watching cowboy movies. He wants to get a Red Ryder BB gun so he can pretend to be a cowboy. Shooting his eye out is not a concern, though it really should be. Which brings us to…
#8 – Parents Coddle More
May be a good thing in some instances and not so good in other cases. Honestly, I have no idea a parent could give a BB gun to a kid and not suddenly worry about, well yes, not just the kid shooting his eye out but also the ensuing hospital bills and having to take care of the kid when he is an adult because his employment prospects will be limited due to his one eye. Also – lawsuits and shit in the event Ralphie shoots some other kid in the eye. Back in the old days, Ralphie’s father could have just settled up with another injured kid’s father with either fisticuffs or cash on the barrel head but now the lawyers ruin everything. Thanks lawyers.
#7 – Poor Flick
Flick gets his tongue stuck to the flag pole. (Never lick a flag pole, especially during the winter, but seriously, there’s no reason for you to lick a flag pole at any time of the year, weirdo).
As soon as the firemen and cops get Flick unstuck, he immediately returns to class with a bandaged up tongue.
Today, the kid would be out of school at least a month in order to go on all the TV shows that would want to interview him on account of his story as the flag pole licker going viral on social media. Surely a Kickstarter would be started to pay for his tongue repair bills.
He’d be branded for life as the flag pole licker but at least he’d get to host SNL or throw out the first pitch at a baseball game or something.
#6 – Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring
Do orphans even exist now? Annie would be like “Little Foster Child Annie” or something. But yes, I sympathize with Ralphie when he drinks a shit ton of Ovaltine just to win a decoder ring that allows him to decode a message that urges him to “drink more Ovaltine.”
In short, Madison Avenue has been hoodwinking kids with advertising gimmicks for years.
Also, Ovaltine isn’t bad. You can still find it in stores. It’s just chocolate milk mix with vitamins in it and shit. Delicious.
#5 – Kids Choke Up When They See Santa
You see it in the Santa scene but it happens in real life too. The kid waits and waits and waits in line to see Santa and then when he gets up there on Santa’s lap, he starts crying then chokes worse than the Cleveland Indians.
What? Too soon? My bad.
Kudos to Ralphie for at least having the guts to climb back up the slide and demand his Red Ryder.
#4 – Having a Sibling is a Pain in the Ass
In some ways, having a sibling is a good thing. Your sibling is your introduction to the concept that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that someone will always be there to criticize you and complain about you and take shit from you no matter what you do.
Don’t like that your brother stole your toy, ate the last cookie, or changed the TV channel? Good luck when you grow up and your boss wants to downsize your department, your company wants to lay you off and your wife wants to see other people but still wants to keep seeing your bank account.
#3 – Bullies Are Also a Pain in the Ass
Scott Farkus is a dick. And while he probably deserved a slap, he is just a kid himself and didn’t really deserve an epic beat down. Ralphie lost his cool. When he gets his senses back, he realizes he should have just walked away and feels bad. Hooray. Ralphie learns from his mistakes and won’t grow up to become a serial killer now that he knows right from wrong.
#2 – Siblings Stick By You
Yes, they are pains in the ass. Yes, Randy laughs at Ralphie’s failures. But, when the chips are down, Randy hides in the cupboard and cries because he is certain his dear brother will meet his demise when his father hears about the big fight. That’s love.
#1 – Things Aren’t Always Bad As They Seem
Ralphie cries all afternoon, certain his father will go off on him when he learns about the fight. Luckily, Ralphie’s mother knows just how to handle Ralphie’s father. She mentions it in passing as if it is no big deal and as part of a whole series of subjects, then quickly switches the subject to a story about a football game in the paper. Thus, she’s told her husband so he can’t complain about not knowing about it later. However, the old man is tired and his mind can only handle so many subjects, so he sees his wife doesn’t seem to be too worried and Ralphie is still alive so he doesn’t care and returns to his paper.
Adults have too much adult shit to worry about, kids.
Baby It’s Cold Outside (Politically Correct Millennial Version)
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” It’s the go-to Christmas song whenever male and female celebrities want to cut a Yuletide single.
Good for its time but today, let’s be honest, it’s a tad rapey.
Fear not, for I, BQB, have rewritten it for modern times. Enjoy!
:::A couple enjoys a drink by the fireside as snowflakes can be seen coming down through the window:::
WOMAN: I really can’t stay.
MAN: Baby…er, I mean fellow person it’s cold outside.
WOMAN: I’ve got to go away.
MAN: Fellow person it’s cold outside.
WOMAN: This evening has been…
MAN: I had been hoping that you’d drop in, but I say that only in a pleasant, non-threatening manner and with no ulterior motive whatsoever.
WOMAN:…so very nice.
MAN: Will you sign this form indicating your consent to allow me to hold your hands in order to determine if they are cold as ice?
WOMAN: My mother will start to worry.
MAN: Beautiful, uh I mean, person whose looks I did not notice whatsoever because beauty is a social construct of the mind, I’d like to ask what is your hurry though please be aware you are in no way, shape or form required to tell me.
WOMAN: My father will be pacing the floor.
MAN: Listen to that fireplace roar. Perhaps we can sit a spell and talk about how your father is a cog in the patriarchy’s vast anti-female machine.
WOMAN: So really I’d better scurry.
MAN: Person, please don’t hurry. Really, your preferred level of speed is your business.
WOMAN: Maybe just a half a drink more.
MAN: Turn on Pandora while I pour.
WOMAN: The neighbor’s might think.
MAN: Person, it’s bad out there…and I only say that because I have your safety in mind and not because this is an elaborate rouse to engage in inappropriate activities with you, though I understand why you would suspect me of that because I am a disgusting man. Please take the bed and I will chain myself in a cage to make sure I don’t succumb to my vile mannish ways.
WOMAN: Say, what’s in this drink?
MAN: I don’t know but I got it at the same liquor store Bill Cosby goes to.
WOMAN: I wish I knew how…
MAN: Now, I wish to point out that your eyes are like starlight now, but I only say that in an artistic sense and not in a romantic sense because you are not a piece of meat to be ogled. I am so ashamed of myself.
WOMAN:…to break this spell.
MAN: I’ll take your hat, not because of some outdated idea of chivalry because I fully understand that you are capable of putting your own hat away, but because I would just appreciate the opportunity to assist you with your hat, though if that isn’t cool, just say the word and I will step away from your hat. Also, I was thinking about mentioning that your hair looks swell but I won’t because “swell” is another social construct.
WOMAN: I ought to say, “No, no, no, sir!”
MAN: Oh no, the patriarchy strikes again! Person, you are not required to call me “sir” and please, by all means, say no. Say the word and it is out in the freezing cold blizzard you go. I’m not even going to ask if you would mind if I were to move in closer. In fact, I’m going to get a tape measure so I can make sure we are separated by ten feet at all times.
WOMAN: At least I’m gonna say that I tried.
MAN: Please, you would not hurt my pride if you left. Male pride is a social construct. I wish I could find my pride and rip it out of me to teach the patriarchy a lesson.
WOMAN: I really can’t stay…
MAN: Person, you must get out!
BOTH: Ah, but it’s cold outside!
WOMAN: The snow is so high I can’t get home!
MAN: Better that you freeze out there than another man gets his way!
WOMAN: Say, lend me your coat.
MAN: Here, now please leave and do not delay!
WOMAN: You’ve really been grand…
MAN: Men are the worst in this land.
WOMAN: Why don’t you see?
MAN: They really should round up and jail everyone with a pee-pee.
WOMAN: There’s bound to be talk tomorrow.
MAN: Slut shaming is a source of national sorrow.
WOMAN: At least there will be plenty implied.
MAN: I’m going to tell everyone I curled up in the corner and cried.
WOMAN: I really can’t stay…
MAN:…then you totally shouldn’t!
BOTH: Ah, but it’s cold outside!
Kid Fat Shamed By Santa
Did you hear about the kid that went to see Santa and was told by the Jolly Old Elf to “layoff the cheeseburgers and fries?”
Check out the CNN story for more.
So many things at play here, 3.5 readers.
First of all, isn’t it kind of ironic for Santa to call anyone fat? That’s the pot calling the kettle black, right? The man is literally famous for being a super fat fatty.
Really, Santa? You want to tell a chubby kid to lay off the burgers? OK. Howsabout you don’t eat a plate of cookies and drink a glass of milk AT EVERY HOUSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD every Christmas Eve?
Sheesh.
But ok, so this story opened up the can of worms that is the ongoing fat shaming debate.
Here’s my two cents.
It isn’t healthy to be overweight. However, overweight people should be free to go about their lives without being insulted, name-called, treated like crap.
That’s pretty reasonable. Like most issues, the debate collapses when both sides huddle to their extreme corners.
On the one hand, you have people who say fat shaming helps fat people so feel free to say nasty things to them and treat them like crap. It’ll motivate them to lose weight.
Yeah, no. It’ll just make their lives more difficult and the harder their lives are, the harder it is to lose weight. If you wouldn’t want someone pointing out your problems every time you step foot out into public, then don’t do it to other people. Mind your business and stop bothering people. Pretty simple.
Then on the other side of the debate, you have some people who are fat and they say dumb things like being fat doesn’t cause health problems, its ok, people who don’t find me attractive and don’t want to date me are shitty, whatever. That’s the other side and that’s equally silly.
Is this kid chubby? Yes. Is he still a little kid? Yes. Should his parents help him out and get him involved in sports and get him eating right and exercising while he is young and his body can easily bounce back and he’s got the energy to lose weight and build muscle and turn it around so he can live a happy, healthy life?
Yes.
Is that easier said than done?
Yes.
Should a little kid be able to sit on Santa’s lap and not be criticized?
Yes.
Here’s why: Because this kid probably has no shortage of kids at school who will gladly call him fat and make fun of him, so maybe, just maybe, while his mind is still young and he’s able to still feel a childlike sense of wonder and enthusiasm about the world, he should be able to sit on Santa’s lap and not be told that he’s fat, especially when Santa is also fat.
I mean, come on, being a Rent-a-Santa is like the only job where being fat and having gray hair and a beard gives the candidate a leg up for the position.
In conclusion, my advice to the world:
- Fatty Haters – keep it to yourself. If the the portly person is minding his own business, you don’t need to make fun of him. Don’t be a dick and then try to pass it off as you are a nice guy trying to help him realize he has a problem. He knows. It isn’t a matter of him not knowing and needing someone to point it out. It is a whole perfect storm of DNA, environment, emotions, self-control, addiction and so on. This person feels bad 24/7, so don’t worry, he’s not going to feel great if you give him a pass on the shitty insult you’ve cooked up in your head.
- Fat Activists – No, fat people shouldn’t be treated like crap, but don’t put out misinformation and try to convince people that weight issues don’t cause health problems.
- Santa – You’re fat. Stop calling kids fat and lay off the cookies.
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Desuckifying the Holidays
World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and like a giant vacuum cleaner with a stuck “on” switch, I’m sucking all of the suck right out of this sucky world, one sucker at a time.
Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:
Six Ways to Suckday
When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Suck It
Suck Less Now…Ask Me How
Have You Ever Tried to Not Suck?
Suck Free in Sixty Days
Sucky Suckers and the Sucky Suckers Who Suck Them
Get the Suck Outta Here!
Don’t Hate the Suck Game, Hate the Suck Player
The Path to a Suck-Free Life
The Super Suck Cure
Help! I Suck!
Sucker Says What?
3.5 readers, let me tell you, the holidays are great but sometimes they can suck…especially for a person who already sucks.
Think about what a person who doesn’t suck is doing this time of year. The non-sucker is putting up twinkly lights with his kids and setting up the Christmas tree. He’s going shopping with his wife, putting on a tacky yet festive, drinking egg nog and singing carols around the fire with family and friends.
Alas, the average sucker does not have such a wonderful life. The average sucker is alone. He’s warming up a six month old TV dinner he found in the back of his freezer and Netflixing a sucky movie that was made specifically for Netflix.
That poor sucker. Due to his sucky life, he has no one to snuggle with,n o kids to give presents to, and few prospects, if any, of turning his life around.
And yes, as that poor, downtrodden sucktastic sucker falls asleep at his computer, his mind drifts off to the promises he made to himself last Christmas. “By Christmas of next year, I won’t suck! I’ll have a wife who doesn’t suck and be on my way to having kids who don’t suck!”
Perhaps the sucker has some extended family he can visit, but a self-aware sucker won’t be happy. He’ll be miserable. No one wants to be the sucker with a pity invitation. Non-suckers throw Christmas parties at their lavish, suck-free homes. Suckers are invited to them so they can sit in the corner and think about all the mistakes they made to lead to the present day where the holidays suck so bad for them.
You know who else has a hard time on Christmas? The sucker who wrote me this letter:
Dear Vinny B,
The holidays sure do suck. My wife divorced me five years ago because I sucked up our marriage by playing hide the turnip with her sister’s best friend’s cousin’s dog-walker’s wife’s sister. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but not so much now.
Christmas used to be a great time for me. I’d grab a cup of coffee, snuggle up with the missus and watch the kids open their toys.
Now I live in a sucky single-bedroom apartment on the corner of Crack and Meth Streets. I owe a ridiculous amount of alimony and child support and my children are being raised by their step-dad/my ex-wife’s former yoga instructor.
Every year, from Thanksgiving until New Year’s Day, I feel like shoving my head in the oven and cooking the suck right out of myself because I just don’t know if I will ever be able to climb the anti-suck hill in order to get back to the kind of suck-less life I used to have.
Sincerely,
Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville
Wow. That’s a lot of suck to de-suck and dissect.
You know Big Time, I play it straight. I don’t sugar coat things. I’m not going to suck all over your leg and tell you that your leg doesn’t suck now.
What you did was a sucktabulous thing. There’s no excuse for it. That’s the bad news.
But wait. The good news is that you realize you did a sucky thing. So many suckers just suck their way through life with nary an understanding of why they suck so much.
You, on the other hand, feel suck shame and that means you are a self aware sucker. You are mature enough to know the difference between what sucks and what doesn’t suck and that means there is hope for you.
So the first thing I want you to do is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and forgive the sad, depressed sucker staring back at you. Yes, the sucker staring at you in the mirror sucked up your life. He looked at all the non-sucking goodness you had and like a skunk in heat, squirted it with a thick layer of suck spray.
That really sucks, but it has been five years. The mourning period is over and at this point, there’s no use crying over spilt suck. Once that suck is out of the bag, you can’t contain it. You just have to manage it.
The second thing I want you to do is apologize to your ex-wife. She signed up with a man she thought did not suck and did not get the non-sucker that she wanted. Let her know you’re sorry and you know there’s no fixing the suck you brought into her life, but you want to be a man and be a father to your children.
Third, you’re going to put your foot down on the suck and de-suck your life. Be the non-sucker you used to be again. Getting angry at yourself for past sucky behavior is normal. In a way, it is even healthy. However, at this point, you’ve reached a critical mass where anger, self-hatred and self-loathing will get nowhere.
These negative feelings won’t get your wife back. They won’t get your kids back. If anything, they’ll just keep sucking you down, down, down deeper into the suck pit of your sucky life until one day, you find yourself so deep that you can’t crawl back to the suck-free shore and there isn’t a single non-sucker around who would be willing to throw you a suck-free life line.
Improve and take care of yourself. Curb your sucky habits. Exercise. Eat right. Take care of yourself. Work hard at your career and find some passions that don’t suck in your spare time.
When you get time to spend with your kids, be the best, least sucky father you can be. Be a positive role model and maybe, when they’re old enough, apologize to them. Tell them you’re sorry you sucked things up and want to make sure they don’t repeat your mistakes so they can go on to become productive, non-sucking members of society.
Whether you are Big Time Sucker in Jacksonville, or just one of BQB’s random 3.5 readers, keep this in mind. The holidays are a celebration of joy, happiness and love. They are a time to reflect on the past year’s accomplishments and to plan exciting things for the year ahead.
If you feel none of that this season, it is because your life sucks but remember, you are aware of the suck. You are not ignorant of the suck and realizing that you suck is the first step one must take on the long road to not sucking.
Most importantly, remember how bad you feel this year. Don’t ball those sucky feelings up and bury them deep inside. Let them out with a good cry or a loud scream, then spend the next year doing your damnedest to de-suck your sucky life so that next year at this time, you won’t feel depressed. You won’t feel sad. You will be one of those non-sucking people who puts on a dopey sweater and hugs his family over the holidays.
Rome wasn’t built in a day or a year, so no, you won’t fix your sucky life in a day or most likely, even in a year. But a year is long enough to suck a lot of the suck out of your life and you never know, if you put the work in, there just might be a lady who doesn’t suck in your life next Christmas.
Just don’t suck it up this time, Big Time Sucker.
Until next time, I’m Vinny Baggadouchio, wishing you a Suck Free Christmas and a Happy New Year that Does Not Suck.
Don’t forget to buy my one of my anti-suck books at a book store that does not suck near you.
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio is an expert on nothing and has no credentials of any kind. Nothing he says is to ever be relied upon as advice or taken seriously. Those with sucky problems are advised to seek out real experts who are trained in the arts of de-sucking the lives of total suckers.
Bookshelf Battle 