Tag Archives: egypt

Literary Poop with Professor Nannerpants – Analysis Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Professor Horatio J. Nannerpants, Professional Simian Literary Professor/Semi-Professional Poop Flinger

Oh, 3.5 readers!  Get thee to Europe to see the glory of what once was.  The statues, the brilliant architecture and of course, the fine cuisine.  It’s all so lovely that it almost breaks my heart when I lose control and throw my poop all over it.

Yes, in this land rife with history, there are all sorts of lessons to be learned about history and culture, stories of monarchs who have come and gone.  And you’ll even find such tales written into various antiquities the world over, even in, say, Egypt.

Have you set a goal for yourself, 3.5 students?  Is it a big project?  Perhaps it’s causing you a great deal of anxiety.  In times such as these, I highly recommend flinging your poop against the wall.  I know it calms me right down, though I presume it creates all sorts of untoward feelings inside the poor individual who must clean up the poop.

Oh well.  That’s not my problem, for I am much, much too important to clean up poop.

Not only is life short and full of poop, but eventually, everything you do or say or even accomplish will, as a basic matter of fact, turn into poop.  Such is the point of Ozymandias, the old poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley:

“I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

Pardon my French, 3.5 students, but that Percy Bysshe Shelley was one morose motherfucker.  To paraphrase the immortal Ben Affleck’s line delivered in that most seminal work, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, it’s as if someone shit in Percy’s breakfast cereal.

But the man has a point.  The poet speaks of Ozymandias, better known as Ramses II, the mightiest of all Egyptian pharaohs.

Ozymandias believed in himself so righteously that he had himself preserved in a giant statue.  The engraving boasts of Ozymandias’ power and warns other mighty kings to “look upon” his works “and despair.”

Despair about what?  All the broken statue pieces and shit littering the dessert sands?

What is Percy getting at?  The fragile nature of life.  Maybe one day you’ll accomplish as much as a great Egyptian pharaoh, but sooner or later, the poop will hit the fan.  You’ll kick the bucket and all the material possessions you acquired will end up broken and rotting underneath the sand, or dirt, depending on where your shit is doing its rotting.

Now, don’t get Percy wrong.  I don’t think he’s coming right out and saying, “Give the eff up.  Smoke a bone and stop trying because we’re all screwed anyway.”

I mean, it’s still pretty awesome that Ozymandias managed to do so many great things that he was eventually preserved in the form of a giant ass statue.  Sure, you can mock him, but it’s not like you ever did anything that led to your immortalization in a statue.

The lesson?  Do try, for there may be awesome rewards.  However, if you fail, don’t beat yourself up too badly about it.  After all, this is all turning to poop sooner or later.

Is there something you’re trying to achieve, 3.5 students?  Do you worry that one day it will all turn to poop?  Fling your poopy thoughts in the comments.

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – Comic Book Girl 19

Hey 3.5 Readers.  You Tubers are like self-publishers for video production, right?

Once in awhile I’ll talk about my favorite YouTubers.

First up, Comic Book Girl 19.  She’s a nerd.  She’s hilarious.  Swears constantly.  Has sidekicks like Robot (usually broken due to a bad wire or something) and Space Brain (floating brain.)

Reviews nerdy movies, comic books, TV shows.  Did a series of videos explaining the back story of Game of Thrones.  Helped me understand some of the stuff going on, who is related to who and so on.

Comic Book Girl 19 – Youtube – Why Did I Go See Gods of Egypt

By the way, I agree with her about Gods of Egypt.  That movie sucked so bad that I didn’t even bother to review it.

So much CGI but so little substance.  Had a few good moments.  But mostly sucked.

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Ask the Alien – 3/01/15

Greetings Earth Losers.

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Of course, I call you all losers with the best of intentions.  As Intergalactic Correspondent for Bookshelf Battle,

it’s my duty to provide knowledge and understanding to your pitiful excuse for a planet.  With this column, I hope to alleviate your world’s colossal level of ignorance one question at a time.  Only then will my fellow aliens stop using “I really Earthed that up!” as a phrase to describe how one made a catastrophic blunder.

The proprietor of this website, one Bookshelf Q. Battler, put the word out to his 3.5 readers that an alien was available to answer any and all questions.  Answers to the universe’s many great mysteries don’t grow on trees, you know.

Three of you responded. The .5th of the other reader was apparently indisposed.  I shall now put on my thinking cap and address your questions.

Kim Magennis’ blog, Whimsy is always a good time for sci-fi nerds.  She writes:

BQB will esteemed Alien Jones tell us who built the pyramids, and if they are, as rumoured, intergalactic portals?

Disappointing as this news may be to you, aliens had nothing to do with the pyramids.

Yes, for their time, the pyramids of Ancient Egypt were marvels of human architecture.  Aliens are often suspected of being involved, simply because the magnitude of such structures would be difficult for modern human contractors to construct, let alone those of the ancient times of Earth.

However, one must consider the fact that if you were to take the most breathtaking examples of human architecture available today, they would look like piles of alien expectorant when compared to the buildings of my home world.  We have buildings that defy all of your Earth laws of physics and gravity.  We have buildings that move around, levitate, rotate, reach up into the clouds, and even disappear and reappear on command.

In short, our buildings are like nothing your human brain can comprehend.  Frankly, the idea that we superior aliens would be bothered to make a pile of bricks that come up to a point is a tad insulting.

Who did build the pyramids then?  Alas, I can offer you no great explanation other than they were built by the ancient Hebrew slaves who were unjustly held captive by the Pharaoh.

If you’ve ever suffered through negotiations with an overweight, butt crack sporting American contractor, in which you were told it would take 3-6 months to build a deck on the back of your home, then your mind is understandably in awe of the idea that mere men could possibly construct pyramids.

However, keep in mind that in Ancient Egypt, there were no civil rights, and if the Pharaoh wanted his slaves to build him some pyramids, then he just had them whipped until he got what he wanted.  If you were allowed to whip your contractor today, he’d have your deck built in 2.5 days.  One if you whipped him really hard.  Spare the whip, spoil the contractor, I always say.

That was truly a sad time in human history but thankfully, slavery is a thing of the past on your world.

As for portals to other dimensions, everyone knows those are only opened when you eat a box of junior mints and twirl around three times whilst singing Lady Gaga’s Poker Face.

Since only 3.5 people are reading this blog, I think it is safe to say that Lady Gaga is actually an alien.  All of her songs are just the anthems of various planets.  Bad Romance is the official song of my home world.  It sounds better in my language.  It loses something in the English translation.

NEXT QUESTION!

Author Julie Shackman, whose new romantic comedy, Hero or Zero, is available on amazon, tweeted the following:

Hello human.  Ahh, romance.  It feels like just yesterday I met my government mandated life mate and we were legally required to provide samples of our genetic material in order to produce ten thousand clones in a laboratory.  Upon completion of their gestation period, our cloned children were sent to toil away on the Gamphis Mines of Asteroid Delta 81Q.  Kids.  They grow up so fast.  And do you think any of them bother to send so much as a direct-to-brain post card?  No.  Ingrates.

My favorite genre?  It is difficult to say.  The aliens of my world are the most intelligent of the entire universe.  There is literally nothing we do not know.  Therefore, we already know the contents of every book ever written.    We even know the contents of books yet to be written, before the writer has even put his fingers on the keyboard.

We even know the future of your favorite television shows.  SPOILER ALERT!  In this alien’s humble opinion, the 2019 House of Cards/Game of Thrones crossover episode in which Frank Underwood dumps Claire and marries the Khaleesi will be the jump the shark moment for both programs.

Since we already know what happens in all literary works, it is hard for us to enjoy anything.  We do produce our own books, but most of them involve complex mathematics, science, physics, and the occasional Firefly fan fiction.

If you are twisting my ganderflazer and forcing me to pick a genre, I’d have to go with female empowerment books.  This alien was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love.  I can tell you there are times when I want to launch my government mandated life mate into the stratosphere, escape in a life pod, and tour the galaxy on a mission to find myself whilst squiring around an attractive Boglodon.

Have you ever seen a Boglodon?  Their eyes are quite fetching.  All sixteen of them.   And even though mine is an asexual species, there is never a dull moment when a Boglodon is around.

THIRD AND FINAL QUESTION!

Author Joe Schwartz whose website is joesblacktshirt.com tweeted:

And a thank you to author Seb Kirby of sebkirby.com for retweeting news of my intergalactic correspondence to the masses.

Somewhere on Alvek, a bunch of aliens are laughing all four of their respective butts off about this.

Somewhere on Alvek, an alien is laughing all four of his butts off about this.

Mr. Schwartz, I must inform you that “the Dress” is actually a prank perpetrated by the dastardly Alvektarians.  Theirs is a lowly species.  They do very little other than sit around, consume complex carbohydrates, partake of inebriating substances, and think up pranks to pull on other alien races.  Truly, I’d say Alvektarians are lowlier than humans, except that Alvektarians have mastered space flight, outlawed reality television, and I have never observed one of them go to a shopping center while wearing pajama pants.

They’ve been sending that dress photo to various planets for years and laughing their four separate and distinct butts off at the ensuing chaos.  Planet Spandroxi, a once peaceful world, is now engulfed in the flames of a violent civil war over the dress photo.

The Spandroxis who look at the dress and see yellow and gold and those who look at it and see blue and black have been at each others’ throats for decades with no end in sight.  The yellow and gold folks are particularly adamant, having captured several of the blue and black seeing individuals and forced them into reeducation camps where they are required to stare at the dress for days at a time and sign pledges swearing that the dress is yellow and gold.

Meanwhile, the Kwenlo Delegation, after a brief civil unrest, declared it treason to ever make mention of “the Dress.”  Luckily, I’m not in Kwenlo territory or I’d be beaten with my own ganderflazer just for writing this column.

On my home world, my illustrious emperor has declared that “The Dress” is burnt sienna with just a touch of chartreuse, so I am bound by law (and an overwhelming desire to keep my ganderflazer attached to my body) to agree.

Thank you for your questions.  I must now depart, for my government mandated life mate is bogarting all of the nutrition cubes again.

Alien Jones, whose real name is unpronounceable by humans, hails from a world whose name he isn’t allowed to tell us as his emperor is afraid that humans will find a way to infiltrate it and permeate its airwaves with reality television.  He claims that Earth is considered by literally every known planet to be “the armpit of the universe” and is now on a mission to raise our world’s collective level of knowledge one question at a time.

Do you have a question for the Esteemed Alien?  Leave it in the comments on this blog, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or drop it on the Bookshelf Battle Google+ page.  You never know, Alien Jones might even give your work a plug.  Apparently, he might even plug it vigorously if it involves Firefly fan fiction.

Response times may vary, but in general, he’s thinking Sundays will be a good time to do this.

Alien Image Courtesy of “Marauder” on openclipart.org

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