By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate
3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”
That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.
Sure, I could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.
First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies. So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.
Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”
Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek. Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.
But we only have Leo’s word. Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?
I don’t think so.
People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog. Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.
So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.
PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.