Tag Archives: entertainment

Mar 17 2015
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The Siberian Yeti

MOVIE REVIEW – Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part II – Electric Stewgaloo (2014)

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Self-Appointed Ruler of Bookshelfbattle.com Until Further Notice

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.  The Siberian Yeti here.  I have heard that the American loser known as Bookshelf Q. Battler has occasionally escaped my surveillance and found ways to post onto this blog behind my back.  Worse, his Intergalactic Correspondent, Alien Jones, has some kind of super computer that is able to post onto this blog without even having access to it.  He must have a Commodore 1,064.

It is my understanding that this website is some kind of entertainment blog, operated by a lowly attention seeking nerd with nothing better to do with his free time than tell 3.5 people about his interests in books, film, and television.

This is apparently some kind of trend in the Western world.  “Oh!  Look at me!  Here is a picture of my lunch!  Oh, look!  A picture of my feet on the beach!”

Blah.  You know what they feed us for lunch in Siberia?  Better you not know but let’s just say, you don’t want to see a picture of it.

All criticism of your annoying “look at me” American ways, I suppose if I am going to be the Self-Appointed Ruler of this Blog (forever apparently, since Hell will freeze over before BQB reaches 4000 Twitter followers), then I had best, how do you say, “go with the flow” and review some of my favorite Russian entertainment.

First up is Olga’s Stewstravaganza II – Electric Stewgaloo.

First, a warning.  THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.  Yes, pitiful Americans.  All of the world there are people dying in shallow graves from all manner of diseases but the only thing that gets your ire up is when someone tells you what happens in one of your precious shows before you see it.

Second, if you have yet to see Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part One, I suggest you drop everything and go see it.  Ha, one guy just googled it to see if it exists.  That is funny.

But seriously, if you have not witnessed Olga’s antics in one, then you will never be able to comprehend two.

Part II picks up directly after the events of Part One.  Frumpy peasant woman Olga, who wears a coat fashioned from cow hide and chicken feather stuffing (the height of elegance in Siberia) has just vanquished all of her enemies, the degenerate low lives who tried to get between her and her pot of stew.

Now, she is left to simply cook her stew in peace.  And I must say, the suspense is unbearable.  In the opening scene, we see Olga’s hand holding a paprika shaker.  Will she add the paprika?  Won’t she?  Will she add oregano?  Will she add the floor sweepings?

Answer to all three questions?  Yes.  I told you there would be spoilers.  Stupid Americans.  You never listen.

By the middle of the film, we are introduced to Olga’s love interest, Ivan.  Ivan is a dedicated farmer.  Here, I will translate his first scene for you:

INTERIOR – POLLING PLACE

Ivan, a tall burly man with a mustache that reaches to his chest, picks up a ballot.  It reads:

ELECTION FOR PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA – PLEASE PLACE AN X NEXT TO YOUR SELECTION

1)  Putin  ___

2)  Putin  ___

3)  Putin ___

4)  Write-in Vote for Candidate Not Putin (Please attach instructions to your home, as well as times of day when you are asleep and at your most defenseless).

I won’t spoil it for you.  OK I will.  He votes for Putin.

Ivan then makes the long ride home to his village on a sleigh pulled by a team of twelve mangy, drooling oxen with flies swirling around their heads.  The ride takes two hours, and the director ensures we are not spared one moment of it.

Upon arrival at the village, Ivan realizes he forgot his wallet at the polling place.  We are left to watch the two hour journey back to the polling place, followed by the two hour return trip.

After six hours of driving oxen through the snow (a brisk 807 inches and therefore a mild winter for Siberia), Ivan passes out in front of Olga’s humble abode.

Olga brings Ivan in and revives him and the following scene transpires:

IVAN:  Olga, this stew is delicious.  What kind of animal did the meat come from?

OLGA:  Do you trust me, Ivan?

IVAN:  Da.

OLGA:  Good.  Because sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.

“Sometimes love means not knowing what kind of animal the meat in the stew you’re eating comes from.”

I just wanted to repeat that for effect.  What a wonderful, beautiful film.  And you evil Americans give the Oscar to Birdman.  Patooie.  For shame.

Thank you 3.5 readers.  I will try to be a better ruler of this site and bring you more reviews until BQB reaches 4000 twitter followers.  And let’s be honest.  That will never happen.  Miley Cyrus will join a convent before that loser gets that many followers.

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Mar 16 2015
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TV

The Walking Dead – Wrap-Up 3/15/15 – “Spend”

GRR!  ARGH!  SPOILERS!

Daryl vs. a Zombie

Daryl vs. a Zombie

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  Tonight, The Siberian Yeti allowed me to watch one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead.

It was the first time my super annoying house guest had ever seen the show.  He liked it.  All of the post-apocalyptic carnage reminded him of his home in Siberia, except the show is slightly nicer.

My observations, in no particular order:

  • Rick’s group members are coming in to their own.  Glenn’s becoming skilled at leading beyond the wall.  Abraham’s taking over as wall construction leader.  Rick’s the new sheriff in town again.  Noah’s trying to become an architect for the community.
  • Which is sad because that beginning scene where Noah expresses an interest in architecture was apparently a rouse to make us not think he’s about to become zombie lunch.  RIP Noah.  We hardly knew ye.
  • Eugene is developing some guts and good for him.  He’s right!  He did get the group to DC, albeit in a morally reprehensible manner.
  • Don’t mess with Carol.
  • Rick Grimes = other man’s wife smoocher = the new Shane?
  • Ironic that Maggie eavesdrops on Father Gabriel warning Deanna about Rick’s group.  A few episodes back, Maggie told Gabriel off, leaving him so depressed he tossed away his collar.  Could a little kindness from Maggie have kept his loyalty?
  • Gabriel’s warning plus Aidan’s death – will that turn Deanna and the community against Rick’s group?

What did you think about tonight’s episode?  Discuss!

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Mar 14 2015
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Movie Reviews

Movie Review – Run All Night (2015)

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  I snuck out while the Yeti was playing Tapper to take in a movie tonight.  Hate to say it, but the Yeti has become less of a captor and more of an annoying uninvited house guest.

But I digress.

Regrets?  Liam Neeson’s Jimmy Conlon has had a few and they’re all catching up with him over the course of one non-stop, action packed night.

Movieclips Trailers

Ever since Taken, Neeson has had a resurgence, moving from dramatic actor to tough guy action star.  In most of these films, he’s calm, cool, collected.  Surprisingly, in this film we see a divergence.  Neeson still plays a man you want on your side if you’re in a pinch, but he’s also a bad guy.  Worse, he’s not just any bad guy.  When we’re introduced to Jimmy, he’s a sloppy, slobbering, lowlife drunk, depressed over a life spent being a murderer for his longtime friend and mob boss Shawn Maguire (Ed Harris).  Of course, Jimmy sobers up quickly as he can’t be expected to take out one goon after the next in an inebriated state.

Michael Conlon (Joel Kinnaman from last year’s Robocop reboot) hates his father and avoids him all costs in the name of living a law abiding life.  Unfortunately, he ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time when he inadvertently witnesses Maguire’s son Danny (Boyd Holbrook) shoot some Albanian drug dealers during a deal gone awry.

Danny tries to shoot Michael so as to leave no witnesses but ends up being shot by Jimmy.  Maguire vows revenge against his long time friend and criminal associate and has a seemingly endless supply of degenerate henchmen to lob at the father-son duo as they navigate their way through the streets of New York City.

Common provides a chilling turn as stone cold hit man Andrew Price, dispatched by Maguire to take the Conlons out.  Vincent D’Onofrio also submits an emotional performance as Detective Harding, the good cop who has been hunting Jimmy for twenty-five years, only to see every case he’s brought against the mob murderer fall through the cracks of a corrupt justice system.

And yet, the rub for Harding is that on this particular night, Jimmy is not the bad guy, so the detective is struck with the unenviable task of having to help a man he despises do a good thing – i.e. save the lives of Michael and his family.

Why is revenge such a powerful force that it makes men blind to the realities around them?  Maguire knows his son did wrong.  He knows Jimmy just did something any father would do.  Even so, Maguire is out for blood and it is a bit heartbreaking to watch as a duo with a thirty year friendship take each other on.

Nick Nolte makes a quick cameo and, well, not to put the guy down because, hey, time eventually comes for all of us, but it did take me a second to realize it was Nick Nolte.

The film moves at a mile a minute pace and never slows down.  If you’re looking for a good Spring action flick, you won’t be disappointed.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy

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Mar 13 2015
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Movies

Happy Friday the 13th (or BQB’s Top Ten List of Mistakes Made by Horror Movie Victims)

Hello 3.5 readers!  Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath?  (Then why are you reading this blog?  RUN!)

But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:

10)  Don’t go upstairs.  Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in.  If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house.  Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs?  The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.

9)  Don’t be rude.  In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make the audience feel a great catharsis.  At least one person watching the film will shout out, “Oh my God I’m glad that guy’s dead!”

8)  Don’t choose this particular time to confess your love to someone.  Yes, they’ll be so glad that you finally made a move after waiting so long.  And yes, an overly ironic writer will take great delight in turning you into murderer fodder.

7)  Skinny dipping.  Don’t do it.  Night.  Naked.  Stuck in the water.  You’re a sitting duck.  And honestly, have you looked in a mirror lately?  You shouldn’t be skinny dipping anyway.  (That’s just a joke.  My 3.5 readers are all supermodels).

6)  Don’t tempt fate.  Has an old gypsy woman told you that if you say a magic phrase while rubbing an ancient talisman, a murderer will come to life and murder everyone?  Well, here’s a thought then, STOP RUBBING THE TALISMAN!!!  Why let curiosity get the better of you?  Whenever someone warns you against doing something, don’t do it!

5)  Trip and fall while running.  WTF?  Seriously, you pick now to be a klutz?  Steady those feet, there’s a madman on the loose!

4)  Get separated from the group.  I don’t care how badly your friends stink.  This is not the time to be a loner.

3)  Perform routine maintenance on your car.  Cars have a tendency to quit whenever a bloodthirsty fiend is on a rampage.  Get your car inspected.  Check your tire pressure.  Change your oil.  Get your battery checked.  Take your ride to a competent mechanic once in awhile to make sure everything is in order.  Honestly, murderous fiend or no, you should be doing all this stuff anyway.  You don’t want to get stranded on the side of the road, do you?

2)  DON’T ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD.  This is literally the main horror movie trope that gets me worked up every time.  The murderer is clearly a massive, hulking juggernaut of a beast.  The protagonist of the film gives him a little tap with a stick or something and assumes the murderer is a goner.

NO!  Assume nothing!  Drop a grenade in his pants!  Set him on fire!  Shoot him twenty times in various places!  Go to town on him with a ginsu knife!  Dance the Texas Two-Step on his face!

(NOTE:  Bookshelf Battle does not condone violence and this discussion is for fictional purposes only.  You never know, one of my 3.5 readers might be a greedy corrupt lawyer).

1)  DON’T GO IN THERE!  Hey, you!  Yeah, you.  The guy going in there.  Stop going in there!  Can’t you hear everyone in the theater telling you to NOT go in there!

Thank you, Bookshelf Battle Readers.  Happy Friday the 13th.  I must now return to the basement, where the Yeti is holding me captive, yet somehow I manage to blog whenever he’s not looking, because he’s kind of stupid.

Follow me on twitter to help me escape unjust Yeti occupation and don’t forget, Alien Jones is taking your questions until midnight Friday night.

Did I miss your favorite horror movie trope?  Add it in the comments.

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Mar 13 2015
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The Siberian Yeti

Inside Bookshelf Battle HQ

By:  The Siberian Yeti, Newly Self-Appointed Ruler of the Bookshelf Battle

Muah ha ha ha!  Insolent Bookshelf Q. Battler thinks he can oust me from control of his wretched blog with a Twitter follower drive.  What an imbecile!

Let me put it this way, 3.5 readers.  Bookshelf Q. Battler will get 4000 twitter followers when I stop being engrossed in your 1990s era documentary about the Chicago based scientist, Mr. Steven Urkel.  In other words, he will never reach his goal because I will never tire of viewing Mr. Urkel’s contributions to the scientific world.  Frankly, Mr. Urkel is the only American I do not truly despise.

As I have taken up residence in the Bookshelf Battle Headquarters, perhaps I shall enlighten you into some of the things your beloved blogger is into?

First, let’s talk about Bookshelf Q. Battler’s taste in music:

Have you seen this loser’s playlist?

  • Katy Perry’s “This is How We Do” on an infinite loop!
  • Taylor Swifts, “Shake it Off” has been played by BQB 9,081 times!  (And that was just last Tuesday alone!)
  • He played Meghan Trainor’s “All About that Bass” so many times that he broke his last phone and had to replace it!
  • And Iggy, Iggy, and more Iggy.  This self-proclaimed tough man, this man who claims to be an adventurer, he cannot get enough of an Australian She-Rapper!  “Fancy.”  “Black Widow.”  “Work.”  “Bounce.”  He even has her early Melbourne based single, “Work ‘Dat Digiredoo!”

Movies:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler claims to be a karate expert who trained Steven Seagal?  That’s funny, since the man owns very worn DVD of “Eat, Pray, Love!”
  • Streisand.  So many Streisand movies.  Not just her early stuff.  That new one with Seth Rogen that had less viewers than this infernal blog!

Food:

  • Nothing in his refrigerator.  Nothing in his pantry.  In his closet?  500 bags of Buffalo Ranch Doritos and a ten gallon drum of Mr. Pibb.  How is he still even alive?

Writing:

  • He claims to be hard at work on a serious novel, but all I see are 100 notebooks filled with Firefly fan fiction.
  • Also one notebook that just reads, “Katee Sackhoff-Battler” over and over.  Dude, as they say in your U S of A, “WTF?”

Extracurricular Activities:

  • Decoupage, Decopage, and More Decopage – Everything is covered with colored paper.  It was like he started and could not stop.
  • He collects thimbles, action figures, and potato chips that look like celebrities.  He has a particularly fetching pringle that looks exactly like Mayim Bialik.
  • Two words – VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY!

So, there you have it.  Continue to violate my control of your blog, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler, and I, your arch nemesis, the Siberian Yeti, will be left with no choice but to continue to share with your 3.5 readers the secret embarrassments that lurk within your Bookshelf Battle HQ!

Muah ha ha!  Yeti laugh, Yeti laugh!

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Mar 13 2015
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TV

The Walking Dead Wrap-Up – Episode – “Forgotten” – 3/8/15

You know, I thought being held hostage by a dictatorial yeti would be a nice vacation, but it looks like I’m

Rick vs. Zombie - one of the more historic bookshelf battles.

Rick vs. Zombie – one of the more historic bookshelf battles.

blogging more than ever.  Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog redeemed himself for failing to stop the Yeti’s intrusion into BBHQ by fetching me the Yeti’s Commodore 64, which I have hooked up to a gas power generator in order to connect it to the Internet.

So now it’s just me, my dog, and a suped up 1980’s computer in my basement, blogging away behind the Yeti’s back.

3.5 readers, forgive me for not wrapping up The Walking Dead this past Sunday night.  I was in the middle of attempting (and sadly, failing) to kick the Yeti out of my compound.

Now I’ve had the chance to catch up.  (TOKEN GRR ARGH SPOILERS NOTIFICATION)

Here are some observations, in no particular order:

  • Carol = the character who does things no one else wants to do in the name of survival.  Often, those things are horrible, i.e. how she threatened that kid.  Oh well, at least she offered to bake him cookies.
  • Michonne hanged up her sword.  Say it ‘aint so!
  • Rick’s going to steal the Doc’s wife, isn’t he?
  • Sasha’s freaking out that no one is worrying.
  • Daryl might get civilized yet.

Do you have any observations you’d like to make?  Post away.  I will have Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog distract the Yeti with a festive dance number so that I can read your comments without Yeti interruptions.

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Mar 12 2015
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Uncategorized

RIP Terry Pratchett

The Yeti and I have called a brief truce so I can take a moment to remember Sir Terry Pratchett, fantasy author of great renown and a Knight of the British Empire.  A prolific author, he was best known for his Discworld series.

He will be missed.

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Mar 06 2015
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Movies

Unfinished Business Stock Photos

Stock photos.  They’re bland.  They’re boring.  But they’re free.  As bloggers, we can’t beat free, so we use them all the time.

The good folks behind the movie Unfinished Business (starring Vince Vaughn, Tom Wilkinson, and Dave Franco, a 20th Century Fox comedy about three men from three different generations on a business trip, in theaters today March 6) have put out a set of free business stock photos as a fun promotion for the film.

Naturally, I figured I’d use them to illustrate the intense planning that goes on behind the scenes here at the Bookshelf Battle.

"My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!"

“My projections show that bookshelfbattle.com will have 20.5 readers by the end of this decade!”

"Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested."

“Gentlemen, educating the masses about classic literature is all well and good but I think we might have to toss in some jokes about yeti punching to keep people interested.”

Photos courtesy of iStock by Getty Images.  As part of the promotion for Unfinished Business, iStock will release a new set of stock images featuring the characters of the newly released Vince Vaughn comedy every week for the next few weeks.  It looks funny and Bookshelf Q. Battler encourages his 3.5 readers to see it.  iStock is a great website, so check it out.

As a marketing tool, what do you think?  Seems ingenious to me.  For the cost of a few free photos, people will be talking and posting about this movie for awhile.

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Mar 06 2015
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Nerd News

BREAKING NERD NEWS

Various news channels are reporting that Harrison Ford, the actor who played two icons of nerd culture, Han Solo and Indiana Jones, has been seriously injured after a plane crash.

I will continue to report or you can just turn on the television.  You know what?  Just turn on your television.  Seriously, nerds.  I can’t do everything for you.

May the force be with you, Han.  Whatever your hokey religion may be, let us all pray for our favorite scruffy looking nerf herder.

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Mar 04 2015
6 Comments
Science Fiction

In Defense of Shatner

Today, the Prime Minister of Israel gave a historic speech before Congress.  Also, a vocal critic of the Russian president was shot to death recently near the Kremlin.

But if you’re a nerd like me, the big issue on your mind is:

WAS WILLIAM SHATNER IN THE WRONG FOR NOT ATTENDING LEONARD NIMOY’S FUNERAL?

Shatner, who played Capt. Kirk on Star Trek opposite Nimoy’s Mr. Spock, stated he was unable to attend the funeral of his longtime co-star as he had already committed to a Red Cross fundraiser in Florida.  Over the weekend, he was bombarded on Twitter by critics claiming he should have dropped everything to make it to the service of the man who portrayed his highly logical science officer.

Was Shatner wrong for not going?images-2

No.  In no particular reason, here are some reasons why:

  • Shatner is 83 years old –  I don’t claim to know what’s on his mind.  I’m not a mindreader.  All I know is the older I get, the more accepting I become of the fact that death is an inevitable part of life.  Every funeral I attend, the less debilitated I am when I lose someone dear to me.  Loss of a loved one never becomes less painful, but one eventually grows steeled to the fact that death happens.  Therefore, I know that by the time I (hopefully) reach eight decades of life, I’ll be able to soldier on while still feeling bad about the loss of a dear friend.  In other words, for a person who has lived a long life, it is possible to keep a stiff upper lip and attend a planned fundraiser while still feeling bad about the loss of a friend at the same time.
  • Logistics – Again, Shatner is 83 years old.  To drop everything, charter an expensive jet at the last minute, fly all the way back to California and then attend a funeral?  That’s going to take a lot out of a young person, let alone an old timer.  (Capt. Kirk I apologize for calling you old but what the heck, it’s a defense).
  • Commitment – Shatner had committed to a fundraiser.  Would the people involved with the event have understood had he left?  I don’t know.  I assume so, but I can’t speak for them.   Obviously, the Red Cross is a cause that’s important to Shatner and he didn’t want to leave people who worked hard on a special event holding the bag.  That’s admirable.
  • Friendship – Shatner and Nimoy worked together since the 1960’s.  I have no idea what their friendship was like behind the scenes, but I have to imagine there was enough respect there to get them through a TV series and several films.  Again, I’m not a mindreader.  Neither are the critics.  Bottomline – I’m sure Shatner loved and cared about his colleague very much.  No one has the right to tell him he doesn’t.

Finally, what would a Vulcan say about all this?

ME:  Hello Mr. Vulcan.  Should William Shatner drop a charity event he committed to, spend a ton of money on a last minute private jet charter to fly across the country only to attend a funeral that in the end, probably won’t make him feel any better about losing his friend anyway?

VULCAN:  No.  That would be highly illogical.  Stay at the charity event.  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

There you go nerds.  Let’s give our Captain a break.

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