Tag Archives: entertainment

Pop Culture Mysteries: Case File #005 – Smeller vs. Denier

Pop Culture Mystery Question – When gas is passed, who is the culprit?  Is it, “he who smelt it, dealt it?” or “he who denied it, supplied it?”

Another dinner shift over.  Ms. Tsang’s employees cleared dishes and wiped down tables as my landlady took a seat in a corner booth and made with the typey type on her laptop beep boop machine.

I sauntered over with a bowl full of pork fried rice I pilfered from the kitchen.

“Pardon me ma’am, is this seat taken?”  I asked.

Ms. Tsang looked up at me through a pair of glasses.  She only used them for reading.

“Yes.”

I shrugged my shoulders and sat down anyway.  My host noticed my eats.

“I should start running a tab,” she said as she returned her focus to the computer.

Susan Tsang, Hatcher's Niece/Unpaid Landlady

Susan Tsang, Hatcher’s Niece/Unpaid Landlady

On the wall, there was an extensive, elaborate painting of a Chinese dragon.  He was green with a red belly, long like a snake and had a set of dagger like teeth.  His face was angry and menacing, as if he was just itching to leap off the wall and attack the patrons.

“Your mother,” I said as I pointed at the dragon with my chopstick, “Hated that dragon.  Absolutely hated it.  She wanted to run a paint roller over the entire thing.  Said the customers couldn’t enjoy themselves when there was a beast on the wall that looked like it wanted to eat them.”

“Uh huh,”  Ms. Tsang said.  Whatever was on her screen, she was more interested in it than me.

“Your father wouldn’t budge though,”  I said.  “Your Great Uncle, the man who gave him his club in Hong Kong, had a dragon on the wall of his joint just like that one and Joe hired an artist to recreate it from a photo.  He said it brought him luck.”

“Yeah,” Ms. Tsang said.  “Well, if that ugly thing is lucky then I’m still waiting.”

I knew that was a reference to me but I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t blame her.  I wouldn’t want to take care of someone for decades the way she did for me.

“Can you explain this?”

Ms. Tsang turned around her laptop to show me what her peepers had been perusing.  It was none other than the Bookshelf Battle Blog, the official stomping grounds for my client, Mr. Bookshelf Q. Battler.

“Don’t stay on there too long,”  I said.  “If Battler gets another reader it’ll go to his head.”

That comment didn’t go over well.  Ms. Tsang was miffed.

“I love you, Jake.”

“Back at ya’ kiddo.”

“But I don’t think you have any idea what it was like to have a grown man sleeping upstairs for fifty-nine years.”

“I have a hunch.”

“Do you?”  Ms. Tsang asked.

I kicked back and enjoyed my free dinner as my niece/landlady enlightened me.

“While I was a kid it was kind of funny,” Ms. Tsang said.  “I’d go up to your office and poke you with a stick, sing songs to you, try to wake you up.”

“Surprised I didn’t wake up,” I said.  “You couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket as I recall.”

“Mom and Dad took care of you.  I remember they used to shave you.  Clip your fingernails.  They’d lay you out on your couch, strip you, give you a sponge bath, then dress you back up and put you in your desk chair.”

“Wowza,”  I said.  “Did they really?  Yikes, poor Joe and Evelyn staring at my man parts all those years.”

“Until they passed on,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “Then it all fell on me.”

My heart sunk.

“I’m sorry, kid.”

“Are you really?  Do you really think running this place is what I wanted to do with my life?”

“Why not?”  I asked.  “You do it so well.”

“I do a lot of things well,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “But running this place wasn’t what I wanted to do.”

“I know what you wanted to do,”  I said.  “I remember the little girl in the ballerina tutu.  You had moves, Susie, I’ll give you that.”

“I kept the restaurant going because I had no place else to put you.”

“You could have left me on the curb with the trash for all I care, sweetheart.  Sorry I was asleep.  I’d of told you that.”

“And it wasn’t like I could ever tell anyone,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “How do you explain to a boyfriend that there’s a stereotypical 1950’s hardboiled film noir style private detective complete with a trench coat and fedora sleeping permanently in your place of business, never aging at all?”

“Very awkwardly, I assume.”

“Or not at all,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “Dad told me about that man you made an enemy of in World War II.  He told me things could get very bad for you if anyone were to find out that you were in a defenseless state.”

“An accurate assessment,”  I said between bites of rice.

“So, I have a question.”

“I might have an answer.”

Ms. Tsang pointed to the screen, where BQB had posted his latest nonsense.  Something about being the best friend of a little green space man.  The guy was nuttier than a bag of cashews.

“Why are you flushing everything I did for you all those years down the drain?”

“Come again?”

“This blog,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “These stories you write for this Bookshelf Q. Battler idiot.  I hide you for decades and you turn around and announce to the entire world that you’re back?”

“‘The entire world’ is a bit of a stretch,”  I said.  “That site will get more than 3.5 readers when hell freezes over and the devil sponsors a snow man making contest.  I’m pretty sure I’m safe.”

“But you wrote about…”

Ms. Tsang looked around.  The floor was empty.  She leaned in over the table and whispered, “Operation Fuhrerpunschen.”

“So what?”

“Dad said you were sworn to secrecy!  I spent my entire life taking care of a sleepy gumshoe and now you’re daring the government to come haul you away!”

“Please,’  I said.  “Anyone involved in that mission is long gone.  Pushing up daisies and serving as an all you can eat buffet for earth worms.”

“What about the drinking?”

“What about it?”  I asked.

“You’d think six decades would have flushed that demon out of your system,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “But you’re half in the bag now more than ever.”

“What’s it to you?”

“What’s it to me?”  Ms. Tsang asked.

She stood up and waved a finger in my face.

“Now you listen to me, Jacob R. Hatcher.  You will TAKE this second chance at life that NO ONE EVER gets and you will do something worthwhile with it so I don’t end up wishing I’d of just fed your carcass to a pack of wolves, or I will NEVER speak to you again.”

I thought about it.

“Can I still drink?”

“Ugh!’

Ms. Tsang closed her laptop and stormed off.  She got halfway across the restaurant’s spacious dining room when Alan, her goofy looking busboy met her.

Allan died his hair dark black and wore eyeshadow.  Nose with more metal than a scrapyard.  I think he was one of those, what do you people call them?  Goths?

All I know is he was the most depressing kid I ever saw.

“Ms. Tsang” he said in a drab monotone, “This lady asked to come in but I told her we’re closed.”

The lady?

My colleague in the Pop Culture Mystery game, Ms. Delilah K. Donnelly, of course.

And she was dressed as snappily as I’d ever seen her.  A full length evening gown.  Blood red and lipstick to match.

“It’s ok Allan,”  Ms. Tsang said.  “Go punch out.”

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Informant Zero (Part 6)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Ms. Donnelly,”  Informant Zero said.  “I have been so very intrigued by Mr. Battler’s blog since its inception that I decided I must get involved.  And Mr. Hatcher, your reports have especially inspired me.”

“So you’re the one who read them.”

“What a life you have lived, Mr. Hatcher.  From 1920 until present day, you have seen this world grow, shutterstock_13743706change, go to war on a massive scale, taken on the criminal underworld of LA’s yesteryear and survived.  Regrettably, you missed quite a bit during your extended nap, but that you’re in good enough condition to share your stories with the world now is amazing.”

“Thanks,”  I said.  “But if I wanted wind blown up my chassis I’d of skipped the trip and stood on an air vent.”

“This is not an enterprise I want to engage in for the rest of my life, Mr. Hatcher.  One day, I’d like to see a Los Angeles where the rich and powerful do what is right because it is the right thing to do, and not because they’re afraid I’ll expose them if they don’t.  Thus, this city needs a hero like you to clean it up and I’d like to do what I can to help.”

“I don’t do much cleaning these days, bub.”

“Then you are truly wasting your talents.  Surely that will change as you get adjusted.  But more importantly, Mr. Hatcher, I can’t help but wonder what this world would be like today had a man of your integrity not fallen asleep in 1955, but rather, had been allowed to continue performing feats of daring do.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying the world would be a better place today had you been allowed to keep kicking criminal ass until you became an elderly man during the 1980’s, perhaps even the 90’s.”

“I think about that all the time,”  I said.

“But as an tech expert, I know the mind of a blogger and I know it well,”  Informant Zero said.  “If Battler doesn’t eventually see an increase in readership, he will decide that his time would be better spent playing video games and allowing his ass to expand.  He’ll abandon his blog, you, and your stories will never be shared, because good luck getting through the traditional publishing door.”

“Now just one  moment,”  Delilah said.  “I doubt very much that Mr. Battler will abandon Mr. Hatcher and leave him without the answers he is searching for.”

“He probably won’t, at least not intentionally,”  Informant Zero explained.  “But what if I could help provide a new feature for the upcoming Pop Culture Mysteries spin-off blog, one that would drive up the World Renowned’ Poindexter’s readership?”

I shot Delilah an incredulous look.

“Spin-off blog?  Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Mr. Battler’s mentioned it on his blog a number of times.  Do try to keep up.”

“Do I get any more money for this?”

“No,”  Delilah said.  “At least not according to your contract.”

“Mother of God,”  I said.  “It’s like the damn pinko commies won.”

“Mr. Hatcher,”  Informant Zero said.  “You write very long, detailed reports.  Those are great for individuals who read as a pleasurable past time.  But what about people on the go?  Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers who only have 3.5 seconds to spare?”

“I don’t know,”  I said.  “Tell them to screw?”

“No.  That’s where I will come in.  You continue to write your long reports.  I’ll write short bursts, quick mini-mysteries, a pop culture question of the week with a short answer.  Together, we’ll inspire Hollywood to plug up their plot holes and put out a better product.  It’ll bring more hits, Battler’s writing career takes off and who knows, maybe if he gets to the point where he actually starts making money off of his Internet ventures, he’ll release you early from your 100 mystery commitment.”

“Now you’re starting to make sense,”  I said.

Delilah was back to reading her note paper again.

“Mr. Zero,”  she said.  “To that end, Mr. Battler has expressed concern that your Pop Culture Mystery expertise may be lacking and has requested that I kick your tires, as it were, with three questions.”

More of that maniacal, ear crushing electric laughter.

“Proceed.”

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Informant Zero (Part 5)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“A question for you, my guests,”  Informant Zero said.  “What is the greediest animal in the world?”

I wasn’t amused.

“I’m not one for riddles, Jack.”

“Are you, Ms. Donnelly?”shutterstock_243113842

“I’d wager it’s man.”

More smoke blew out of the shadowy orifice.

“And you’d be correct.  As the Native Americans have said, man has a hole in his heart, a deep hunger that can never be filled.”

I checked my pocket watch.  This guy was going to go on and on.

“Los Angeles has the single largest collection of celebrities in the world,”  Informant Zero said.  “We have men and women who are magnificent to look at, in peak physical condition, and they get paid obscene amounts of money to play make believe.  I’ll admit that acting takes skill and training.  However, let’s be honest.  They’re not digging ditches, or breaking a sweat, or worried about bills like the average citizen is.”

“Tell us something we don’t know,”  I said.

“One would think that an individual who is blessed enough to sniff the rarified air of fame and fortune would be content, but as you witnessed on your way to me, that is not the case.  No matter how much man obtains, he always, without fail, wants more.  Though the general assumption is that celebrities must be happy because they live lifestyles that are far above the norm, the truth is that most famous people are woefully unhappy.”

“I’ve seen more than a few folks get to the top of the world only to fall off it,”  I said.  “I’m one of them.”

“Yes, Jersey Jabber,” Informant Zero said, a mocking note to my failed boxing career, which came to an end when I took a dive.

This guy knew everything about me.  Makes sense, since as he mentioned, he was one of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers.

“Sometimes the hunger that drives man can be good, such as when Mozart composes a symphony or Picasso paints a canvas.  Both men made their art in search of society’s approval, but they also gave the world the gift of their talent as well.”

I sat back in my chair, locked my fingers behind my head and yawned.

“More often, the hunger causes man to implode, such as when you turn on the news to learn about the latest actor or musician to become wrapped up in a scandal.  That hunger is why being a famous actress wasn’t enough for Lindsey Lohan.  It’s why she experienced her infamous battles with drugs and alcohol.  Even Bill Clinton, the former president, engaged in transgressions with an intern.  Even the highest office in the free world couldn’t satiate him.”

“Get outta’ town,”  I said.  “There was a president who got some action on the side?  Why don’t you tell me these things, Ms. Donnelly?”

“It was two presidents ago, Mr. Hatcher.  I’ll tell you about it later.”

Informant Zero switched gears.

“What is the most valuable form of currency?”

Delilah and I looked at each other.  We had nothing.

“Information,”  Informant Zero said.  “In today’s world, information is traded, bought and sold like commodities on the open market at a breakneck pace.  Our celebrities unsatisfiable hunger to fill their bottomless hearts causes them to engage in all manner of transgressions.”

“Like that fella in the cowboy hat who has short people cover him in cottage cheese?”

“Like him.  And that is where I come in.  My vast network of spies feed me a never ending flow of information of what’s happening in this town at all times.  More often than not, I know something is going to happen even before it happens.”

“Gotta say then, Jack, its odd that the group of famous perverts upstairs would allow you to set up shop here.”

“On the contrary, Mr. Hatcher.  It is I who allow them to set up shop here.  This is my establishment.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“The actions you saw upstairs are tame compared to what truly goes on behind closed doors in the City of Angels.  Mere foolishness and nothing at all I’m concerned about,”  Informant Zero said.  “There are actions that certain famous individuals who shall remain nameless are engaged in that, if you were to hear about them, you’d never watch a movie or listen to a song ever again.”

“Worse than the cottage cheese thing?”  I asked.

“A million times worse,”  Informant Zero said.  “And that’s where I come in.  For a price, I can bury a brewing scandal and keep it away from the public.  I can bury a celebrity’s bad information by trading on information I’ve stockpiled about the misdeeds of various politicians, government officials, journalists, and business executives.”

“Blackmail for a clean sweep?”  I asked.

“Indeed.”

I started to get up.

“Ms. Donnelly I don’t think we want to be involved with this sort of character.”

“Before you make up your mind,” Informant Zero said.  “Know that I have accomplished more good than anyone else could have with such an endeavor.  “I have never used my powers to cover up illegal activity, only actions that would provide great embarrassment and humiliation for the perpetrator.”

“I repeat, ‘worse than the cottage cheese thing?'”

Name redacted’s fondness of cottage cheese thing has been widely reported in the trades and gossip rags, Mr. Hatcher.  The public doesn’t care one iota.  His quote per film is higher than ever.  The world has a higher level of tolerance for depravity than it did in your day.  The actions engaged in upstairs, though questionable, would barely register a blip on the public’s radar compared with the inappropriateness I’ve helped the powerful hide.”

“So you run a one stop shop for entitled assbags,”  I said.  “They come here, they lather themselves up in dairy products, get their jollies off, and if they need to, come ask you to take the heat off of them for something they did that’s even WORSE than the freakshow going on upstairs?”

“That’s it in a nutshell,”  Informant Zero said.  “However, I also use the information I obtain for good.  I have provided law enforcement agencies with information that has cracked troublesome cases and put bad people away.  I have worked with the press to expose charlatans, frauds, and others who prey on the weakest among us.  But alas, I cannot obtain and trade information that will help the world without the profits from helping celebrity transgressions disappear.”

“Mr. Zero,”  Delilah said.  “The question yet to be addressed is how can you be of service to Mr. Battler?”

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True Detective -Season 2 Finale – TV Review by Special Guest Jake Hatcher

By:  Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

True Dick

True Dick

The name’s Hatcher.  Jake Hatcher.  I’m a gumshoe.  A sleuth.  A shamus.  A private dick.

And as of late, a coerced scribe for Bookshelf Q. Battler’s joke of a blog.

Not to put my employer down, but I’ve seen milk cartons with a higher readership.

Let’s take a minute and shoot the bull about True Detective.  The second second season just wrapped up on HBO and there were more twists than a road designed by a blind man.

I’m required to warn you this review has more SPOILERS that you can shake a stick at.

Trailer – True Detective – HBO

Like most capers, it all begins with a murder.

The City of Vinci.  It’s a factory town.  Lot of big business, but only a handful of people actually live there.  That means the cops and the local government pretty much act with impunity, free to wrangle their devious deals without any oversight.

And like most mysteries, this story begins with a murder.  The city manager, a real pervert’s pervert, is put on ice.  A special task force is put together to figure out the whodunnit.

It includes:

  • Rachel McAdams as Ani Bezzerides – Hubba hubba.  Even though they try to ugly her up so she looks like a real downtrodden broad, she still makes this gumshoe’s ticker skip a beat.  Hell, I still haven’t stopped thinking about how this dame wore the hell out of that dress in Southpaw.  Bezzerides’ pops ran some hippy dippy commune and growing up on it made for a tough life.
  • Tayler Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh – A highway patrolman who takes a bad rap when he pulls over a speeder.  Turns out its some floozy actress who puts the frame job on him.  She makes a false claim that he tried to get the goodies just to get out of trouble because she’s had one too many run ins with the law before.  His bosses put him on the special detail so he can lay low for awhile, but the case allows him to do anything but.
  • Colin Farrell as Ray Velcoro – a real mean so and so, a drunk bastard to boot.  Beats up people at the drop of a hat.  I kinda liked him.  (Well, except for the corruption part.)  Ray’s wife was raped years ago an he turned to mobster Frank Semyon to hand over the perpetrator. Unfortunately, Ray pays for that info with his soul as he ends up becoming Frank’s lapdog for the rest of his life, using his position to further Frank’s criminal interests on account of Frank now having something to hold over Ray’s head.

Frank, played by Vince Vaughn, is a crooked club and casino owner whose duked his way out to the top of the underworld ranks.  He’s experienced success late in life and like most folks who’ve had that happen, it’s hard for him to be happy about it.  He’s bitter that it took so long and his worst fears are met when he discovers that the city manager had been looting all his money behind his back.  It’s up to Frank to find out who the manager was working with.

I’m a straight arrow when it comes to the letter of the law, so I don’t care for it when a bad guy is glorified.  However, Vaughn steals the show and the writers try to get the point across that sometimes folks like Frank, born into bad circumstances, see their only way to the top as being a life of crime.

To the show’s credit, it’s also made clear that Frank could walk away at any time and leave the degenerate life behind.  His wife Jordan, aka Kelly Reilly, begs him to take the money they have left, forget about revenge, and call it quits, but Frank just can’t do it.

I can relate.  My third ex-wife, Connie, often tried to talk me out of dropping the gumshoe game.  She wanted to move to the sticks and start a bed and breakfast.  I came up with a million reasons why that wasn’t feasible but the real one is that I’d of been bored out of my mind.  Sometimes you get to the point where you’ve pummeled so many criminals that you don’t know what you’d do without another one to smack around.

But I digress.

Overall, it was a decent program with a lot of action and intrigue.  Also, there’s the occasional bare set of bosoms.  It’s not like I try to notice things like that, but I can’t help it.  I’m a detective.  I notice every detail.  No matter how big.

One criticism might be that the plot is a bit convoluted.  I watched the whole thing and had to stand on my head and spin before it all made sense.  You’ve got land deals, murder, a cold case from 1992, some impropriety in Afghanistan, sometimes it all ties together, though you need a flowchart and a slide rule to figure it all out.

Maybe that’s director Nic Pizzolato’s point.  Sometimes the answers to mysteries aren’t handed over all wrapped with a nice shiny red bow.

Word on the street is there have been some complaints that this season wasn’t as good as the last.  To that, I’d point out that the idea is that each season rolls with a new group of detectives in a different locale.  Thus, each season is like watching a whole new extended movie, so it’s hard to compare one film to another.  Just because you really like one movie, aka season one, doesn’t mean the second movie, aka season two was terrible.

They were just different.

Ahh, Rachel McAdams.  What a foxy broad.

Jake Hatcher is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s Pop Culture Detective, sworn to solve 100 pop culture mysteries.  Sometimes he even shares his own tales of daring do in LA’s seedy underworld.  If you have a pop culture question, put Jake on the case.  Tweet questions to @bookshelfbattle or leave them in the comments.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Informant Zero (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1      Part 2  

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

After leading us through a door and down a dark hallway, the cowboy screeched his Segway to a halt in front of an elevator.

He pushed the down button.

“Here, buckaroos, is where I leave you.”shutterstock_239019796

“OK then,”  I said.  “Happy trails, pardnah.'”

“Before I go…the rules.”

“The rules!”  the cowboy repeated loudly.  “You’ll follow them to the letter if you don’t want to get thrown out of here.  Rule Number One.  Do not ask Informant Zero his name.  If he wanted you to know, he wouldn’t refer to himself as Informant Zero.”

“Makes sense.”

“Rule Number Two.  Do not touch Informant Zero in any way, shape, or form.”

“But I like touching shadowy underworld characters,”  I said.  “It’s a condition.  I can’t help it.”

Delilah tugged on my sleeve.  “Now is not the time, Mr. Hatcher.”

The cowboy squinted at me, attempting to discern whether or not I was joking.  Obviously I was, but he let it go.

“Rule Number Three, do not remove Informant Zero’s disguise.  He takes a number of precautions to hide himself from the world, and he needs to keep it that way.”

“Kinda redundant, Jack,”  I said.  “Touching him would be required to reveal him.  You could have stopped at number two.”

“NO, YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED AT NUMBER TWO!!!”

This guy was like a ticking time bomb, the slightest provocation set him off.

His comeback didn’t even make sense, but I didn’t want to rile him up any further.

“We like Informant Zero,”  the cowboy said.  “We want to keep him around.  People are only allowed to conduct business with him when they follow the rules, capiche?”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to…”

Another tug on my sleeve from Delilah.

“We capiche,” she assured our guide.  “We very much capiche, thank you Mr. Redacted.”

“All right then,”  the cowboy said as the elevator dinged.  “As long as you kemo sabes capiche.”

The doors opened and we stepped inside.

“Enjoy your visit and tell old IZ I said hello.”

Just before the doors closed, I snuck in a, “Go suck some cottage cheese ya’ sick bastard.”

And just before our descent, I heard a fist pound the metal doors, followed by an, “OW!!!  SON OF A…”

“Mr. Hatcher, that was quite uncalled for.”

“I’m sorry Ms. Donnelly.  I just didn’t like the cut of his jib.”

“Well you’re going to have to get used to jibs of all different shapes and sizes if you’re going to make it in this world.  The days when everyone marches to the tune of the same drummer are long gone.”

“Tell me about it.”

Like a trip to Veracruz, it was a long ride.

As we continued to plummet deep below the Earth’s surface, Delilah piped up again.

“Mr. Hatcher, were the olden days really that good?”

“Not at all,”  I said.  “Everyone foisted their personal beliefs on you and threatened to ruin you if you didn’t comply.”

“So why are you in such a hurry to get away from the present?”

I didn’t skip a beat.

“Because everyone foists their personal beliefs on me and threatens to ruin me if I don’t comply.”

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Fan Dime Drops – For the 3.5 – (Part 4 – Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1      Part 2       Part 3

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE

“A third and final question, Mr. Hatcher.”

“Lay it on me, Ms. Donnelly.”

DELILAH:  Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer wants to know why there were so many characters named Johnny in old timey films?

I drummed my fingers along the edge of the table, stalling for time as Delilah stared me down, certain I’d been stumped.

“Davis,”  I said.  “Java Davis.  Word on the street is he’s the nineteenth scribe to take a whirl on Mr. Battler’s blog.  Must be a big time player to to rake in that kind of action.”

Delilah folded her hands and leaned in.shutterstock_239019775

“Do you give up?”

I rose to my feet and paced about, practically wearing a hole in the library’s carpet.

It came to me.

“They didn’t have self-publishing in those days,”  I explained.  “Establishment writers were free to be hacks.  They dished out the slop and the audiences ate it up like ice cream because unlike today’s discerning entertainment connoisseur, they didn’t know any better.”

The lady lawyer returned the dossier to her briefcase and pointed a gloved finger my way.

“You certainly have a talent, Mr. Hatcher.”

“Deduction is but one of my many talents, Ms. Donnelly,” I said as I raised my right eyebrow in a shifty manner.  “Perhaps you’ll let me show you my others sometime.”

The blonde rested a hand on my shoulder.  The gesture was more than welcome.

“Perhaps not.”

Once again, she walked out of my life, a brief distraction from an otherwise lonely existence.

I was sad to see her go, but what a pleasure to watch her leave.

For a brief moment, I was lost in my dreams of blonde bliss, only to be distracted by an old bag of wrinkles.

“You’re going to stare a hole in that behind,”  Agnes said.

“It’s the little things in life, Ag,”  I said, still gawking at Delilah from the study room doorway  as she waited for the elevator.  “Put a cork in it and let me enjoy it, will you?”

“Is that your girlfriend?”

“Nah,”  I said.  “The man upstairs would never be so good to me.  Just someone I work with.”

Agnes was taken aback.

“Work?  You found a job!  Congratulations!  What are you doing?”

“Already told you.  I’m a highly skilled private investigator who tracks down questions to answers about pop culture posed by an anonymous blogger.  She’s his lawyer who brings me the cases.”

The old gal squinted and stared at me like I was from outer space.

“You’re serious?”

“Like a heart attack.”

“You weren’t lying?”

“Ma Hatcher didn’t raise a liar, ma’am.”

Agnes took a seat.  The news that I actually was a private eye threw her for a loop.

“Between the idea that that woman would be your girlfriend or that that woman works with you for a blog that you solve pop culture mysteries for, I have to admit the latter is more plausible.”

“Thanks Ag,”  I said.  “Thanks a lot.  Class over?”

“Yes,”  Agnes replied.  “One of my students had chest pains so I called it a day early.”

“Think I will too.”

“Oh Jake,”  Agnes said.  “I’m sorry.  I offended you didn’t I?”

“Nothing sticks to this gumshoe.  It all rolls off, like water off a duck’s back.”

“Have you made a move yet?”

I took a seat on the other side of the table.  My relationship with Agnes was becoming weird.  Technically, I was older than she was, but she didn’t know that, and she was quickly becoming my impromptu mother.

I think Ma Hatcher would have been ok with it.

“I’ve made more moves on her than a world champion chess player, but my bishop isn’t going anywhere near that queen.”

“Never say never.  Herb had to ask me a bunch of times before I came around.  I’ll never forget it, there was this one time we were at the park, and he got down on one knee and the birds were singing and…”

I stretched, yawned, and checked my pocket watch.

“Great Liberace’s piano, Agnes!  Look at the time.  I’d best skeedaddle.  Take it easy, kid.”

“Oh sure.  I listen to you, you don’t listen to me.  Just like my son.”

She sniffed the air.  Sniff.  Sniff.  Sniff.

“Have you been smoking in here?  This is a PUBLIC building you jackass!”

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Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Fan Dime Drops – For the 3.5 (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1    Part 2

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Perhaps I was in the wrong to complain about this situation,”  I said.  “After all, being cooped up with the most beautiful woman in the world isn’t so bad.”

That would have worked on my first wife, Trixie, who was all looks and no brains.  Delilah, on the other hand, was the whole package and that meant nothing but disappointment for yours truly.

“Do gain control of your loins and prepare for the next question.”

DELILAH:  Mr. Hatcher, a Ms. Barb Knowles reported this dilemma:

“I have a question for Jake. Can he PLEASE find out how Robert Ludlum has published more books since his demise than he did when he was alive??”

Read Barb’s blog at saneteachers.com 

“Who’s this gal?”

“A teacher,”  Ms. Donnelly explained.  “She writes about ‘the things they never taught her in teacher school.'”

“I don’t envy anyone who has to educate kids in this day in age,”  I said.  “Hell, even my kid brother Roscoe and I were known to drive the occasional chaulk jockey bananas back in our day.  What tricks are kids pulling now?  Whoopie cushions?  Joybuzzers?  Rubber snakes in the peanut brittle can?  Tack on the teacher’s chair?”

“I suppose those are all things that teachers of today have to deal with now and then,”  shutterstock_207933922Ms. Donnelly said.  “When they aren’t busy worrying about drugs and weapons coming into the schools.”

I coughed from surprise.  One of many reasons why I no longer recognized the world I lived in.

“Sorry I asked,”  I said.

I rubbed my thumb and fingers together, making the international sign for money.

“It’s all about the cash-ola,”  I said.  “The green stuff.  The bread.  The lettuce.  The cabbage.”

“Yes, I understand, Mr. Hatcher.”

“An author’s readers are a form of currency,”  I said.  “They’re an asset and like a piece of land, or a house, or a watch, they can be transferred and utilized after the author’s demise.  An author’s name is something his heirs can cash in on and before you’re quick to judge them, you should realize that you probably wouldn’t run in the opposite direction if some extra scratch was coming your way.”

I needed another puff.

“In Ludlum’s case, I bet there are some readers who aren’t even aware he’s gone.  Folks just see ‘Ludlum’ and grab the book like one of Ma Hatcher’s prize winning flapjacks at the county fair.  Other readers are aware but are happy to see stories set in a world they enjoy continue.  And if you’re a writer, and a new writer continues spinning yarns off of a spool you built, don’t you still deserve some credit in the form of your name being slapped on the cover, albeit posthumously?”

“An astute deduction, Mr. Hatcher.”

“Who’s next, sweetheart?”

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 7) (Conclusion)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3   Part 4   Part 5   Part 6

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Where the hell I was I?”

I was all alone, sitting in front of the library’s beep boop machine.

The lights switched off.shutterstock_71510056

“Oh thank God,”  Agnes said.  “You’re conscious again.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,”  the librarian replied.  “You were making me look up Nicki Minaj’s tweets and then you drifted off somewhere deep in thought, humming a song about someone named, ‘Honey.'”

“Ag, wanna help me wrap this mystery up?”

“Library’s closed,”  Agnes said as she pointed to the door, giving me the bum’s rush.  “Time to find a shelter, rummy.”

There was nothing I could do to convince Agnes that I wasn’t just one of an assortment of street people who wandered into the library all day seeking free shelter and wi-fi, constantly harassing her to cater to their every need and whim as if she was some kind of city employed maid instead of a trained researcher.

She handed me a stack of papers on the way out.

“Print-outs of everything else I found on the Nicki Minaj snub,”  the old lady said.  “I still think you need to find something better to do with your time than waste it on pop culture.”

“There’s 3.5 readers who disagree with you, doll.”

I pocketed the papers and shuffled my way out of the building, down the street aways until I found an all-night diner.

“How much for a water, sweetheart?”

“It’s complimentary,” the waitress answered.

“Then keep ’em coming.”

“Wow.  Big spender.”

I laid out the file full of info Agnes printed out for me.

The tacks were brass and it was time to get down to them.

1)  Was Nicki’s “snub” race related?

I understand I’m the wrong color to be saying that race relations have improved over the years.

However, I am the right age.  Though I stopped aging sixty years ago, I’m ninety-five and can tell you there was a time when interracial marriage was a sin, black people were denied access to basic opportunities taken for granted today.

I’ve seen black people shooed to the back of the bus, out of restaurants, chased away with dogs from the voting booth, you name it.

Society kept Peaches and I apart and that will always be a sore spot for yours truly, seeing as how society’s opinion was never asked for in the matter.

But, as an open-minded private dick, I get the flip side.  That folks aren’t openly treated like garbage just because of the color of their skin is all well and good, but the aftershocks of slavery and past oppression are going to be around for a long time.  Will black people ever feel truly welcome in the world?  Are there white people who hold certain biases, some of whom may not even realize it?

The President put it best:

It is incontrovertible that race relations have improved significantly during my lifetime and yours, and that opportunities have opened up, and that attitudes have changed.  That is a fact.  What is also true is the legacy of slavery, Jim Crow, discrimination in almost every institution of our lives, you know, that casts a long shadow and that’s still part of our DNA that’s passed on.  We’re not cured of it.

– Barack Obama on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast

By the wayside, if any of you yahoos can explain to this gumshoe WTF a podcast is, it’d be appreciated.  All I gather is everyone and their brother has their own show now thanks to the wonders of modern technology.

Did MTV decide not to nominate Nicki for a couple extra awards because of the color of her skin?  Doubtful.

Could Nicki’s complaint be seen as a preamble for a discussion for a greater need for diversity in the entertainment industry?

Of course.

In my day, black singers were considered novelty acts.  Today, they’re widely accepted.

Still, you don’t see as many movies where the protagonist, i.e. the lead guy or gal, the one all the action is centered around, is black.  There’s some, but not many.

You’ll see a lot of supporting black actors.  I suppose that’s progress from my day, where if you were a black actor you were typecast as the maid, the butler, or some hoodlum the cops were rousting.

To paraphrase the Prez’s summation, things are better, but they could also get better.

2)  What about body-type-ism?

Hollywood is all glamour and pizazz.   Heavy on the style, hold the substance.

If you’re fat, or ugly, or you’ve got a crooked nose, or shingles, or a weepy eye, or facial fungus or any host of bodily issues, there’s a better chance of finding you on the Moon than there is in the next blockbuster.

Is that right?  Is that wrong?  Maybe that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

People listen to music and watch the boob tube to escape reality.  Average Joes and Josephines want to pretend their someone greater than they are and it’s hard to do that when the guy or gal on the screen looks like you.

But then again, perhaps that’s an indictment of today’s looks-conscious world, one that assumes the not hot folk have nothing to offer.

I’ve observed this problem since waking up.  You’ve got that Meghan Trainor gal and her All About That Bass song.

Not to scandalize you, 3.5 readers, but as a trained investigator, I’m able to read between the lines and I’m fairly certain “All About That Bass” is double-talk for Meghan’s corpulent posterior.

Therein lies the point.  The gal has an impressive set of pipes and can sing like all get out, but she’s a bit on the chunky side, so she has to address that fact in a song.

If you ask me, people should be able to appreciate a good voice and not give a toot about the size of the singer’s caboose.

To that end (no pun intended), Nicki might be onto something.

I feel sorry for today’s musical entertainers.

Do you know what a singer needed to make it big in my day?  A pretty dress and a fine set of vocal chords.  That’s about it.

I remember sitting in a grand hall, listening to Peaches fill it up, feeling blessed just to have known her.

She didn’t have to wiggle her butt to a beat like Nicki, or put on an Egyptian Princess outfit like Katy, or a meat dress like Lady Gaga or pretend to be an action movie star like Taylor.

Peaches sang.  The audience cheered.  That’s it.

Today, people have more choices on how to be entertained than ever before, and while that’s led to more artists working, the negative byproduct is that it also requires most of them to engage in some kind of goofy gimmick.

Alas, the music gets lost in the pageantry.

I see the manager is about to kick me out for ordering nothing but complimentary water, so I’ll close with a final observation.

Conclusions

It’s all about the evidence, ’bout the evidence, no speculation.

I see nothing that proves Nicki was snubbed due to race or body-type-ism and let’s face it.  Three out of five nominations is nothing to sneeze at.

However, in a world where people are often cast aside because of what they look like, there’s always room for a conversation about how that trend can be curbed.

Personally, as one of the most handsome and modest bastards around, I think that’s big of me to say.

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Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.

All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Movie Review – Vacation (2015)

Holiday Rohhh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oad.

Yup.  I wasted valuable time and money to take in this movie.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING – though the trailer pretty much summarizes the best parts of the film:

Movieclips Trailers – Vacation

Oh Hollywood.  Why must you continue to play it safe with reboots and sequels and so on?

Let me put it this way:

1)  This movie doesn’t suck.

2)  It only starts to suck when you start comparing it to the three original Vacation movies from the 1980’s that share this film’s name.

3)  Though I can’t call it a guffaw-fest, there were a number of times where I did laugh.

The setup:  Adult Rusty Griswold (Ed Helms), recognizing that his family is stuck in an unhappy rut, decides to pack up the clan and take them on a road trip to Walley World, just as his father Clark (Chevy Chase) did in the first film.

From there on, the film becomes a series of sketches, smaller vignettes that happen the family as they make various stops along the way.

Some jokes from the first movie are parodied or paid homage to (Rusty rents a Prancer, an Albanian car that far surpasses his father’s Family Truckster in suckage).

But to the movie’s credit, it pokes fun at itself, and an attempt is made to go off on its own rather than be simply a modernized carbon copy of the original.

Cameos aplenty, as I assume many of today’s actors have fond memories of laughing their butts off at a young Chevy Chase, as I do.

Chevy and Beverly D’Angelo make cameos as Grandpa Clark and Grandma Ellen.  I feel like there might have been potential to do something funnier with them, but then again, had they been featured longer than they were, it’d of been a different movie altogether.

For fans of Community, it might be hard to not look at Chevy these days and think “Pierce Hawthorne.”  Meanwhile, Beverly has definitely made some kind of supernatural anti-aging deal.

My favorite bit was the younger brother bullies the older brother routine.  Every once in awhile, I’ll see that somewhere.  It’s usually the older kid, who’s bigger, bullies the younger kid, but every so often you’ll see an older kid who’s polite and doesn’t want to hurt his miserable pipsqueak of a younger brother, even though he could totally knock him into next week for being a little jerk if he wanted to.  That dynamic makes for some fun here.

As if there wasn’t enough in this film to make me feel old, Christina Applegate, who once played the uber hot Kelly Bundy in her youth (and who I oggled extensively in mine), now plays the uptight Mom trying to prove to everyone she’s still as fun as she used to be.

Oh time, please slow down.

Should you rush out to see it?  Nah.  Is it worth a rental when you have nothing better to do?  Sure.

STATUS:  Not shelf-worthy.

BUT – if you’re one of those younger people born with a cell phone in hand, you should check out:

Vacation

European Vacation

Christmas Vacation (I don’t know about you but I have to watch this at least once during the holiday season)

And though it’s not as good, Vegas Vacation.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed – (Part 6)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3    Part 4    Part 5

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

Hettie and I found a seat.  I flipped through her mother’s bible and read the various excerpts the Good Reverend Jedediah Blodgett had marked for me, each one promising me a variety of punishments and torments in exchange for touching his daughter in an inappropriate manner before marriage.

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

JEB’S NOTE IN THE MARGIN: “Hell, Jake Hatcher!  You got no idea how hot the fires of hell are.  You best think about that before you lay a hand on my baby girl.  Hettie can do a whole heap better than you, boy, but you’d better put a ring on that finger if you can’t control yourself.”

“Put a ring on that finger.”

3.5 readers, before you complain about how unfair things are in modern times, consider this fact:

In 1938, it was illegal for me to put a ring on Hettie’s finger.

I was white.  Hettie was black.  And somehow, the government decided that two differently colored people couldn’t possibly be allowed to live together as man and wife.

The world knows her as Peaches LeMay, but Hatcher knew her when she was just Hettie Blodgett

The world knows her as Peaches LeMay, but Hatcher knew her when she was just Hettie Blodgett

Jeb knew that.  He wasn’t talking about a legally registered and recognized marriage.  He meant I should find a minister who’d of at least bound us together in the eyes of the God he loved so much.

Finding a minister who’d agree to marry an interracial couple was a near impossibility in those days.  We’d of asked Jeb to do it but, you know, set three Kings and a Sultan in front of Jeb and he’d of gladly explained why every last one of them wasn’t fit for Hettie, so I never stood a chance in his eyes.

That we weren’t able to get hitched bothered us but we wanted to be together, so we were together.  We didn’t need anyone’s approval, which was good, seeing as how people weren’t exactly standing in line to give it to us.

Ma Hatcher’s point would soon be proven.  Up until then, our world had been spending time together in the Hatcher family backyard, or on Jeb’s spread across town.  Sure, we turned a head or two when we walked down the street together but, we truly had no idea what we were in for.

“BACK OF THE TRAIN!”  the conductor barked.

Hettie and I just sat there, confused.

“BACK OF THE TRAIN,” the conductor repeated.

“Huh?”  I asked.

“No colored folk allowed up here,”  the conductor said to Hettie.  “Get to the back.”

It was the first of many times I’d get more ornery than a mule at a kicking contest over this subject.

“Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, buster,”  I said.  “We paid for two tickets on this rattle trap, that was LATE by the way, and we aim to sit wherever we damn well please!”

Yeah.  I know you 3.5 readers would of cheered for me, but the other passengers looked as steamed as a plate of broccoli and were hankering for a good old fashioned lynching.

“Sir,”  the conductor said.  “Is she your servant?  I suppose I could look the other way until this car fills up, but then she’ll need to head to the back.  Rules are rules.”

“My servant?!”  I shouted.  “She’s my girl!”

A collective “GASP” wooshed over the car like a high wind blowing in over the sea.

“Jake,”  Hettie said as she stood up, embarrassed.  “Stop it.  I’ll go.”

Like a bump on a log, I stood there, with no clue what to do next.

“Wait!”  I shouted as I grabbed Hettie’s hand.

I turned back to the conductor.

“I suppose next you’re going to tell me there’s a rule against white people sitting in the blacks only car?”

He thought about it, then said, “No sir.  No, I think you’re more suited for the filth back there.”

I had half a mind to knock that bastard out but the whole car was applauding him like he was the hero and leering at me like I was the villain.  I’d of been drawn and quartered had  I made a move on him.

Hettie and I walked, and walked, and walked some more.  So many eyes stared us down along the way as if we’d done something wrong just for being together.

We finally found the car reserved for black passengers.  To our surprise, there was a celebration afoot.

There was a fiddler strumming his strings like his fingers were on fire, a trombone player tooting on his horn with so much gusto that he looked like he’d pass out, and a drum player being his set like it owed him money.

The singer was a dapper gent in his late twenties.  Real smooth type.  Spiffy vest.  Gold ring on the finger.  He was holding a saxaphone, but was belting out a tune at the top of his lungs:

Honey!

Oh, I say, ‘Honey!’

That must be your name ‘cuz there ‘aint nothin’ sweeter than you!

Oh Honey!

Like a flock of baby ducks, the singer had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand.  They shouted back, “Oh, he said, ‘Honey!”

And then the fella continued:

That must be your name ‘cuz ‘aint nothin’ sweeter than you!

Finger snapping.  Toe tapping.  Hand clapping.  The whole crowd was into it as the singer puckered his lips up to his sax and blew it to Kingdom come.

I was impressed and overcome with the nagging feeling that I should have spent less time reading comic books and more time practicing the piano like Ma Hatcher wanted me to.

A minute or two later, the diddy came to an end.  The passengers went about their business and the attention was on me, who was more out of place than a third wheel on a bicycle.

Would they accept me or hate me as much as the people in the car I just walked out on?

There was silence for a moment then the makeshift emcee poured a brown jug marked “X” into a cup and handed it to me.

“Welcome friend!  This here will grow some hair on your chest!”

I sniffed it.  Paint thinner had more appeal, but not wanting to look like a teetotaler, I chugged it, and instantly felt ready to keel over.

“Whoa, nelly!”  the man said as he whacked me hard on the back.  “That’s something you got to sip on!”

Everyone laughed at me as I choked and sputtered, but it was a good kind of laugh, not a making-fun kind of laugh.  At least that’s how it felt.

“Come on in,” the singer said.  “Plenty of room.”

We found a seat and weren’t shooed away this time.  An older couple in the seats in front of us took an interest.  The man offered me a hunk of chewing tobacco but I passed, still reeling from what I assumed was high octane moonshine.  The lady offered me a mint, which I gladly accepted to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth.

The band packed up their instruments and found their seats.  The train chugged out of the station and we were off.

“Think they’ll hate us forever?”  Hettie asked as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Who?  Our folks?  Nah.  They took it a lot better than I thought they would.”

“Almost wish they hadn’t,”  Hettie said.  “Might of made it easier.”

“It’s easier to run away when you’ve got something worth running from?”

“Maybe,”  she said to me, looking at me with those pretty brown eyes.  “But I know we’ll make them proud.”

I didn’t know that at all, at least about me, but I nodded anyway.

“Hoo-wee!”

The singer interrupted us, dabbing beads of sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief.

“It was way too hot in here for that spectacle, let me tell you!”

He stretched out his hand.  I shook it.  He took Hettie’s.  To my chagrin, he kissed it.  That was something fellas used to do. Act like they were all polite by kissing your girl’s hand when really all they wanted to do was put their lips on any part of your girl that they could.

“Clyde Montgomery,”  the man said.

Clyde snapped his fingers and grooved out to an impromptu dance number, jitterbugging a few steps then completing the routine with a twirl.

Hettie laughed.  Yours truly was unimpressed.  I knew what this palooka was up to.

“But people call me ‘Step-Aside Clyde,’ on account of my fancy footwork.  Who are you nice people?”

I plugged up, not wanting to encourage him.  Realizing my rudeness, Hettie stepped in.

“Oh,”  she said.  “I’m Henrietta and this is Jake.”

“Henrietta and Jake,”  Clyde said.  He waved his hand and his band members walked over.  One by one, Clyde introduced them.

“That cat on the strings was my main man Ray ‘Too Late’ Turner.  People call him that because if you’re girl’s missing, it’s too late because old Ray’s run off with her already.”

Jealousy.  The green eyed monster.  Call it what you will, but this guy was oozing with personality and confidence, two qualities in a man that broads will eat up with a knife and fork.

I was more worried about Clyde running off with my girl than Ray.

“That man on the horn was Bo ‘Hurricane’ Harris, ‘cuz ‘aint no one blow harder than he does I assure you.”

Clyde put his drummer in a playful headlock, rubbed his head, then released him. “And of course we got Russell ‘Rat-a-Tat’ Walker.  There’s nothin’ this boy can’t beat on to make a beat.”

“It’s nice to meet you all,”  Hettie said.

And then you know what happened next?  Each one of those fellas smooched Hettie’s hand “out of politeness” too.

What a world.  I was barely in it for five minutes and people either hated me or wanted to abscond with my girlfriend.

“Step-Aside” Clyde Montgomery, Band Leader/Hatcher’s Rival for Hettie’s affections

“Together, we’re ‘Step-Aside Clyde and the Tennessee Trio,'”  Clyde said.  “Perhaps you’ve heard of us?  We’re on the radio now and then.”

Crap in a hat and pull it over my head.  I had heard of them.  Pa had let me drive around in his studebaker and I’d definitely heard the announcer introduce their songs once in awhile.

But I wasn’t about to give Clyde the satisfaction.

“No,”  Hettie said, naively.  “My Daddy never let me listen to the radio.  He thought music was the devil’s work and such.”

That comment elicited hooting, hollering, knee-slapping laughter from the band.

“Oh darlin,’ your Daddy don’t know what he’s missin’!”

I tried to move things along.

“So fellas, it was real swell to meet you and all but…”

“We’re on a cross-country tour,” Clyde continued, completely ignoring me like I wasn’t there.  “We got those prim and proper Yankees up in Boston, Providence, and Hartford stepping to the beat, had a big to-do in Atlantic City, and next up is the Big Apple.”

I didn’t know what to make of Hettie.  She smiled and was polite but she wasn’t rolling over for the fella either.

“Where are you two headed?”

Like I dummy, I was half-way through blurting out, “Las” when Hettie patted my knee and answered, “Oh, we’re just sightseeing.”

Clyde looked at me.  “Brotha, why are you sightseeing when the prettiest sight is sitting right next to you?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

Clyde handed Hettie a flyer.

“If you happen to stop by any of these cities while your sightseeing, I hope you’ll stop by.  Drinks are on me.”

Clyde wrapped it up with one last dance shuffle, another twirl, concluded by pointing both fingers at Hettie (thumbs up style, like his hands were guns).

“A pleasure to meet you Henrietta.  Enjoy your travels.”

Clyde and the Tennessee Trip disbursed.

“You lied to him,”  I said.  “We’re not sightseeing.”

“Jake, that man was like a fox that just spotted a hen,”  Hettie replied in a tone all too reminiscent of her father.  “He only had one thing on his mind and if I kept him talking he’d of never walked away.”

The Good Reverend Blodgett had trained his daughter well.  That was the only time I was happy for his teachings.

I took the flyer and read it.  After New York City, Clyde and his pals were going to play in Chicago, Omaha, and Phoenix.

The bottom of the notice stood out to me:

Miss the tour?  Step Aside Clyde and the Tennessee Trio play nightly at the Clyde Side in Los Angeles, CA.

There are moments in your life when they don’t seem like a big deal at the time, but years later, when you look back at them through the benefit of hindsight, you’re able to pin point them as the exact instant when your life took a turn.

For me, it was for the worse.  For Hettie’s career, it was certainly for the better.  Whether or not it was better for her personally is a question only Hettie could answer, and like so many people from my past, she was one more person I wish was still around.

Given the chance to do it over again, I’d of just shut my mouth and enjoyed the train ride.

But I didn’t.

“You know Hettie, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to know a guy who owns a club in LA,” I said.

Hottie looked to the bottom of the flyer I was pointing to.

“You think?”  Hettie asked.  “I don’t know. He seems just a little too slick if you ask me.”

An aversion to slickness.  We should have hopped off the train right there and walked back to Bayonne, because God knows that’s all there is to Hollywood.

“So?”  I asked.  “If he gets fresh, just sock him one,” I said while I made a fist.

I didn’t trust Clyde but I trusted Hettie.

“I don’t know,”  Hettie said.  “I already told him we’re tourists…”

“So?  Just go tell him you were nervous because you’re daddy told you never to talk to strangers.  Then tell him you’re a singer on your way out to LA and maybe you could sing at his club sometime.”

Hettie took a deep breathe.  She needed to get over those nerves if she was going to make it big.

“OK,” Hettie said.  “Let’s go.”

“Nah doll.  You go.  I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,”  I said.  “Baby, we’re off to Tinseltown.  You’re going to have to talk to all sorts of big shots and celebrities on your own without dragging me around.  Just give it a go.  I’ll be right here.”

“OK.”

Hettie strolled down the aisle, took a seat with the band and got to talking.  I couldn’t hear or see much but five minutes went by.  Ten.  Fifteen.  At some point I actually heard Hettie sing and the band clap.

When we hit the New York stop, it was time for Clyde and his Trio to go.

“Girl, you better call me as soon as I get back in town,”  Clyde said to Hettie as the whole group shuffled past my seat on their way out.

“I will.”

“You can’t be hidin’ that talent from the world.”

My girl returned and I was anxious for the news.

“How’d it go?”

Must have went well.  She was smiling to the point she was going to burst.

“He said I could sing there whenever I want!” Hettie screeched as she wrapped her arms around my neck, practically choking me with excitement.

“And he says he knows people at the record studios and he’s going to set up some meetings for me, oh my God, Jake, oh my God!”

Oh my God.  I was such a dope.

“Guess it went well then, huh?”

“Jake this was the best idea you’ve ever had!  We’re not even in LA yet and I’m already getting started!”

Sigh.

“He said I have to change my name though.  No one’s going to line up to see, ‘Henrietta Blodgett.'”

“I’d line up to see Henrietta Blodgett.”

“What’s a name that sounds good?”  Hettie asked.  “Something that, you know, will drive the fellas wild?”

I’d created a monster.  The Good Reverend’s instructions were quickly wearing off.

“Candy?  No.  No.  Sapphire.  Jake, what do you think of, ‘Sapphire?'”

“I don’t know,”  I said.

I lifted the lid off the cardboard box.

“All I know is I skipped breakfast and now I’m ready to chew my arm off.  I’m going to eat your old man’s pie.

And a star was born.

“Peaches,”  Hettie said.

“Peaches,”  I replied.

“Peaches Blodgett?”

Hettie frowned.  Putting a name on your budding fame wasn’t easy.

“Drop the Blodgett and just use your middle name,”  I said.

“Peaches May?”  Hettie asked.  “‘Peaches may, what?’  That sounds like a question, not a name.”

“Add a Le to it,”  I said as I stuffed a piece of the crummy, fruity goodness into my aptly named pie hole.  “People will think you’re French.”

“Peaches LeMay,”  Hettie said, her mind obviously wandering off into dreams of big checks she’d cash and songs she’d sing in front of admiring spectators.

I continued to stuff my face, absolutely none the wiser than I’d just launched the next celebrity sensation as well as orchestrated my own heart being ripped to shreds.

But for more on that, you’ll have to wait for the novel Bookshelf Q. Battler is helping me put together, 3.5 readers.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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