Tag Archives: mad scientists

Apr 20 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

Science!shutterstock_141217966

It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
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Mar 18 2016
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You Can't Argue with Science

You Can’t Argue with Science – Should BQB Forgive Dr. Hugo Von Science?

By:  Dr. Hugo Von Science, Illustrious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University

NOTE:  Last October, Dr. Hugo Von Science, BQB’s former mentor, esteemed professor and Bookshelf Battle columnist, startled the world when he caused a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown.

As you 3.5 readers may recall, this led to a month long  romp in which BQB had to interview a different author of zombie fiction every day for thirty one days.

Here now is Dr. Hugo’s apology:

 

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Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!

Dr. Hugo Von Science here after a long hiatus mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science!”

You really can’t, can you, mein leibchen?  Have you ever tried to carry on a heated debate with a spore mold sample?  Nothing happens whatsoever.  It’s infuriating how spore mold samples give you the cold shoulder.  Bunch of dummpkoffs if you ask me.

Perhaps you remember me from of mein fine inventions:

  • The Kanye-fizer – Don’t have the courage to stand up and declare yourself the greatest?  One zap from mein Kanye-fizer and you vill be snatching awards from your coworkers in no time.
  • The Swift-i-fier – Tired of being das boring wallflower?  One zap and everyone vill be thinking about you 24/7 though when asked to vocalize a reason as to why no one vill be able to come up with a reason.  I’m a scientist, not a miracle worker.
  • The Minajanator – Baffle your friends by keeping them on their toes.  One second you’re kind und sweet, the next you’re screaming bloody murder.  Fun at parties!

And finally, who could forget…

  • Das Discofier – All world leaders must bow down before me or the masses vill be grabbing their crotches and pointing rapidly into the air until the end of time!  Muah ha…muah ha ha….MUAH HA HA!  Woopsie.  That one isn’t quite perfected yet.  Forget you heard about that one.

Good to see you again, Herr. 3.5 readers.  As you can imagine, Bookshelf Q. Battler and I have been on the outs ever since the little kerfuffle in East Randomtown last October.

Gadzooks, “accidentally” cause one little zombie outbreak and all of a sudden you’re persona non grata.

I don’t know what BQB’s problem is.  Das people of the world have forgiven me.  POTUS has pardoned me.  The Advanced Science Institute of Science University welcomed me back.  Even Hollywood admitted that all of those reality stars I zombified were easily replaceable.  Buses full of jerk faces willing to debase themselves on camera arrive in Tinsel Town every hour on the hour.

As for East Randomtown…vell, yes it now looks like it was torn apart by zombies but in my defense, that town was so full of losers that it looked like it was torn apart by zombies even before it was torn apart by zombies.  If anything, the zombie attack was an improvement.

Did I mean to cause a zombie attack?  No.  Not at all.  Sometimes in science, inventions fail.  Sometimes contraptions do not work out as planned.  Sometimes you accidentally end up causing a zombie outbreak that causes thousands of people to die terrible deaths at the hands of brain devouring undead abominations.

Everyone has forgiven me but you, BQB.  I hope you can find it in your heart to do so someday.  This idea you’ve concocted in your head that I’m an evil mad scientist trying to take over the world is ridiculous.  I have always been and continue to be the world’s most beloved science ambassador, the one and only Dr. Hugo Von Science.

WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS?  SHOULD BQB FORGIVE DR. HUGO?

JA – Shit happens.  Anyone could have just as easily caused a zombie apocalypse and just look at that guy.  He’s so kooky and lovable.  If anything, BQB should thank him because it led to him interviewing #31ZombieAuthors.

NEIN – He caused a damn zombie apocalypse on purpose!  I don’t care how awesome he is, he is clearly a mad scientist who is attempting to take over the world in his spare time.  This whole “I’m a nice man who teaches people about science” stuff is just a rouse.

DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS!

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