Tag Archives: melisandre

May 02 2016
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TV

Game of Thrones Recap – Season 6, Episode 2 – “Home”

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

What an episode, right?

OK before we get started…THIS POST IS DARK AND FULL OF SPOILERS!

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He’s alive!  He’s alive!

Jon Snow’s back and my prediction failed. Melisandre did not use her magic vagina.

She just used her magic instead.

And it had nothing to do with the magic necklace.

Lots of great writing and acting in this episode.

You know a show is great when it can a) make you feel bad for Roose Bolton and b) make you feel bad for Melisandre.

By the way, didn’t that Iron Born Uncle out of left field look a lot like Theon?

Methinks there was some hanky panky between him and his sister-in-law.

Anyway. Game of Thrones still has got it going on after six years.

By the way, am I the only one who thought Jon Snow was going to come back in the dire wolf’s body for a second?

They kept focusing on the wolf looking around.  I thought that was where they were going for a bit.

Oh well. Fake out.

Let me know what you think, 3.5 readers. Looking forward to next week already.

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Apr 28 2016
7 Comments
TV

Melisandre, Jon Snow and an Alternative Shadow Assassin Theory

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Is it? Or will your vagina make Jon Snow live again?

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.

OK.  I had an epiphany.

Check this out.

  • George RR Martin likes to fake us out.
  • Though the show is now beyond his books, he’s still working with the show runners to teach them how to be masters of the fake out.
  • So the show/books like to make us think one thing will happen then another thing happens.

What is the show trying to make us think will happen?

That Melisandre will give her life saving necklace to Jon Snow and bring him back to life.

What is going to happen?

OK.  There should be some kind of cash prize for me if this actually happens but here goes. Here is my theory.

That shadow assassin wasn’t just a shadow.  It was an evil soul brought back into the world of the living and then it was bound to do Melisandre’s bidding i.e. kill Renley Baratheon.

OK.  Follow me on this one.  Grab a pen and paper, make a flowchart if it helps.

  • Melisandre has the hots for Jon Snow.  She is warm for his form and because he was loyal to the Knight’s Watch and perhaps sad over the loss of Ygritte, he denied Melisandre’s advances.  Jon Snow was like the first man in history to resist the awesome power of Melisandre’s evil magical vagina.  Crows before hoes, baby. Crows before hoes.
  • As we know, Melisandre can push evil spirits out of her evil magic vagina.
  • GROUNDBREAKING THEORY: Melisandre will summon Jon Snow’s spirit out of the underworld, bring it back to the world of the living by PUSHING JON SNOW’S SOUL STRAIGHT OUT OF HER EVIL MAGICAL VAGINA and then bam!  Drop Jon Snow’s soul back into Jon Snow’s body.

I’m not exactly sure how this will happen.  Not going to lie. It may be a scene that involves her squatting over Jon Snow’s corpse to get the job done. Like the soul would have to fly out of her evil magic vagina and into Jon’s mouth or something.

Stop being disgusted! This is fantasy realm science, people.

3.5 Readers: BQB, we must debunk you. The shadow assassin wasn’t a soul. It was a magic ghost or specter of some kind that was the product of illicit humping between Melisandre and Stannis.

Lady Catelyn even reported that when she briefly saw the shadow assassin, it appeared to have Stannis’ face.

Since there is already a Jon Snow, Melisandre can’t boink another dude and create a shadow Jon Snow.  She can’t boink Jon Snow at present because he’s a stiff, no pun intended.

OK. You’ve got me, 3.5 readers, but consider this:

A)  Just because Melisandre pushed a shadow assassin out of her enchanted cooter that turned out to be the product of a Stannis/Melisandre boink session does not mean that she does not have the ability to summon a soul and pop it out of her magic vagina. We just haven’t seen her do it yet.

B)  What comes back may not be Jon Snow.  The Red Woman is a world class seductress and therefore can convince 99.9 percent of men to boink her.  Ergo, she might boink some other dude, any other dude, maybe one of the Knight’s Watch dudes she’s holed up with (probably not Ser Davos as he’s too honorable to boink evil witches so he’s in that .1 percent with Jon Snow).

So she and some dude will boink and then she will become pregnant with another shadow assassin that looks like some other dude and then she will order the shadow assassin to enter Jon Snow’s body because…

…STAY WITH ME…

She wants Jon Snow bad. Like really bad.  So bad.  Like he’s the only man she’s ever really, really wanted and it pains her so much that he said no and so now that he’s dead this is her opportunity to put a shadow assassin into Jon’s body and essentially turn Jon Snow’s reanimated corpse into her possessed love slave.

If the shadow assassin is in Jon Snow’s body, does that technically mean Melisandre is boinking her shadow assassin son?

Yes, but to her it will be a substitute for boinking an alive Jon Snow. She’s the Red Woman. Evil witches don’t give a shit about morality and shit.  She wants Jon Snow anyway she can get him.

And then when they aren’t boinking he will be her unwitting slave puppet because she can make the shadow assassin inside of him do her evil bidding. She can cast spells and shit and order Evil Puppet Jon Snow to murder her enemies and shit.  They will be unstoppable.

IN SUMMATION

A) This would be the ultimate fake out.  Make us think she’s sacrificing her life in a selfless act by giving Jon Snow her necklace…only to turn him into her unwitting man servant sex slave through the use of shadow assassin evil vagina magic.

B) There is a possibility that she might just bring Jon Snow back as himself and maybe he’ll be so grateful that he’ll boink her but knowing Melisandre, the shadow assassin slave theory is more likely.

C) Either way, if I am right, I really deserve a cash prize or at least lunch with George RR Martin or something.

D) Melisandre give up her life to save someone else? Bitch please! She is going to hang onto that necklace with a kung-fu death grip.

Thank you 3.5 readers. Tell me if you think my theory is sound.  Share it with your friends.  And let’s watch next week to see if I’m right.

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Apr 25 2016
2 Comments
TV

Melisandre’s Necklace

Hey 3.5 Readers.

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Preach on, Sir Davos.

OK before we begin…this post is dark and full of spoilers.

SPOILERS!  The whole show will be ruined so if you haven’t seen it or last night’s episode yet, read no further.

OK.  Are the hardcore nerds who are up to date with their watching here?

Cool.  Now we can talk without those wannabe nerds bothering us.

“Waah I didn’t get to watch Game of Thrones because I was busy out having a life waaah.”

Anyway, so there was a big Red Woman reveal last night.  We learned that the necklace she always wears is really magical and when she takes it off, she’s not really a hot chick but in fact is a hideous old hag crone who is losing her hair and has big ole floppy knockers.

Look that just happens.  It may not have even been the necklace.  Sometimes you’re in da club.  The lights are down low.  You meet a chick who looks like a fly ass hunnie only to get her back to your crib and under the lights she is a hideous crone.

But ok.  It was the necklace.

And the Interwebs are blowing up with nerd protest.

Carice van Houten, the actress who plays Melisandre, has been sporting her Dutch oven on this show for years now, getting naked to seduce Stannis, using her evil vagina to egg him on in his quest for the Iron Throne, tricking Gendry into letting his guard down so she could stab him and take his royal blood, birthing smokey shadow assassins out of her enchanted cooter and so on.

Bottomline this chick has been naked on the show a lot and nerds have been taking this as an excuse to go back and rewatch clips of naked Melisandre to catch her without the necklace on yet still looking hot.

I’m not going to post a photo of a naked witch on this site because I have standards.  Yes, I’m writing a zombie western novel filled with swears and violence but I have to draw the line somewhere and I draw it at posting photos of naked Dutch women and their Double Dutches.

Maybe that’s why they call it the Netherlands, because women are always showing off their nether regions.

Amsterdam it, I’m all out of Dutch nudity puns.

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Yes.  Yes it is.  And as you can see, she’s wearing the anti-hag necklace here, but if you Google “Melisandre naked” you’ll see photos of her sans-necklace, still looking hot, in the tub before she killed Gendry, for example.

Note I have never performed such a Google search and frankly you should not either. I am ashamed of you for even thinking about it.  Weirdo.

Is this a case where we are all nerds who should just shut up?

Be quiet you nerds…this is a minor insignificant detail.  And if you really need an explanation then uh…she was lying in magic anti-hag bathwater.

Eh.  We nerds like things to be right is the problem.

The show runners had a big challenge.  Bring back Jon Snow with the Red Woman’s help.

Yet, people on the Red Woman’s side have been dying around her all the time and she’s never used magic to help them.

So it couldn’t be something she could do over and over…it had to be something she could only do once.

Hence, a magic necklace that can cheat death.  The Red Woman has been using it to cheat death for a long time and is much older than we thought, and so enthralled is she with Jon Snow that I theorize she’ll put her death cheating necklace on him so that he may live, thus making the ultimate sacrifice as she will then eventually die from her elderly crone-ism.

And then alas, we fans will never again see Melisandre assassinate someone with the dark magic of her evil vagina, unless it is in our dreams and/or nightmares, depending on your opinion of witches with dark vagina magic.

Are we big nerds for debating this?  Or is it just a minor detail that we have to let go?

Could they have come up with something else?  Maybe a ring that makes her young, something she had all the time but we never noticed.

And holy shit if this is where the show is going then Jon Snow will have to wear a lady’s choker for the rest of his days.

He has the looks to pull it off but still…

NOTE: I didn’t make these memes and don’t claim ownership of them obviously. I just assume when they are floating around the Internet amongst fans then it is cool to use them.

Note that is an assumption though and I can’t tell you if it is ok for you to use them.

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Apr 24 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre

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Lady Melisandre.

The Red Woman.

Skillfully played by Carice van Houten, the Red Woman may be Stannis’ other woman but let’s face it…she’s the only woman if she has anything to say about it.

From the home office in BQB HQ and just in time for the Season 6 Premiere of Game of Thrones, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Melisandre:

10.  She’s very supportive of your work and career goals…to the point that she’s willing to push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to murder your enemies.

Hey.  Be disgusted all you want but that’s true commitment right there.  My entire life I’ve never even been able to get a woman to make a damn sandwich for me, let alone push a shadow assassin out of her vagina to use in the assassination of my enemies.

9.  Cares enough about you that she’s always warning you that everything is “dark and full of terrors.”

  • The night is dark and full of terrors.
  • Your closet is dark and full of terrors.
  • Don’t get a popsicle because the freezer and dark and full of terrors…and popsicles.

8.  May or may not be able to bring your dead friends to life as we may or may not find out in Season 6.  (Warning: if she does bring your deceased friend back to life, it is because she wants to bang him.)

7.  Doesn’t always have the best advice.  Burn your daughter at the stake.  Sacrifice your illegitimate nephew.  None of it ever really gets you anywhere.

6.  She’s kind of a religious fanatic, almost to the point where you can picture her knocking on your door while you’re in the shower and you come out in your bathrobe and have to listen to her, “Have you accepted the Lord of Light as your personal savior?” routine.

5.  Redheads = feisty in the boudoir.  It is also a scientific fact that they are crazy.  Studies show that craziness turns hair red.

4.   Doesn’t want any baby mama drama.  Doesn’t even go after you for child support for the shadow assassin she pushed out of her magic snootch to dispatch your enemies.

3.  She is literally a character that pushed out a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch which means, if you are a writer, you need to stop doubting yourself because as long as your idea is as equally farfetched as “woman pushes shadow assassin out of her magic snootch” then the worst that can happen to your book is that it is turned into a highly profitable HBO series.

2.  Isn’t really about tying you down.  Willing to give you the magic snootch without any promises that you will dump your crazy wife for her.

  1.  Could possibly be a fraud who just throws chemicals into fires in order to give the illusion of magical power.  Then again, she did push a shadow assassin out of her magic snootch so, she’s definitely studied a magic book or two.
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