Tag Archives: Movies

Apr 20 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Split (2017)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.

After sucking for so many years, M. Night Shyamalan has returned to making good movies again.

It’s a Shyamalan renaissance!  A Shyamalan-aissance!

BQB here with a review of the horror thriller Split.

The year was 1999.  The Sixth Sense starring Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment premiered.  For most of the film’s run time, it seemed like a pretty decent film.  Not below average.  Not above average.  Just decent enough until…OMG!!!  Super mega did not see that coming at all surprise ending that fits with the whole movie, whoa!

And thus, director M. Night Shama…shamalama….whatever.  His career was born.

Alas, rather than try new and different things, M. Night just put himself on a quest to recreate that amazing Sixth Sense twist:

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But it never happened.  While Signs was a good film, all his other post Sixth Sense films sucked the big one.  The twists were ridiculous, absurd, and just crowbarred in as if to say, “Hey look!  I’m M. Night and I’m the twist guy!  Don’t you love my twists?”

The evidence speaks for itself:

2004 – The Village – Super dumbass twist.

2006 – Lady in the Water – Incredibly shitty twist.

2008 – The Happening – The plants were the villains all along?  OK.  Go home, M. Night.  You’re drunk!

I’d long written M. Night off as a one (maybe two) hit wonder but low and behold, he’s back in a big way with Split and it’s about damn time, M. Night Shabadu.  About damn time indeed.

The setup – Three high school girls are kidnapped and locked in a basement room by a psychopath with multiple personalities played by James McAvoy.  At various intervals, McAvoy enters the room, each time pretending to be a whole other person.  Some of these personalities are friendly, others more dangerous.

Casey (Anya Taylor-Joy) is usually made fun of by Claire and Marcia, but now that they are all captives, Casey, who knows about pain and suffering all too well, is in her element.  If anyone has a chance to save the day, it’s her, but will she be able to?

Meanwhile, Dr. Karen Fletcher (Betty Buckley), the madman’s psychiatrist, suspects her patient might be up to something, but can’t quite put her finger on it.  Will she be able to piece the mystery together before it’s all too late?

Plus, there’s an overall message to the movie – are people who have suffered pain stronger than those who haven’t?

An amazing performance by James McAvoy.  He shows great Oscar potential here with his ability to convincingly turn into other people.  It’s funny because he still looks the same, yet he is so good at taking on the various personalities that you almost begin to believe they’re real.

The suspense!  The thrills!  The chills!  M. Night’s first non-shitty movie since the Clinton administration!

Are there twists in this film?  Yes.  Many.  Will I tell you what they are?  No.  But the best part is they aren’t crowbarred and slammed in haphazardly in so many other films where M. Night tried to recreated his Sixth Sense glory.

The man has finally learned to let the twists flow naturally.  In fact, the biggest twist of this film is that it is directed by M. Night Shamalamadingdong and it does not suck.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Rent it today!  Oh, M. Night!  I’m so glad you don’t suck anymore!  I always knew you had it in you to stop sucking.  It was unfortunate that this movie was released in January, because January movies tend to come and go without much interest from the public.  I do believe this film will likely grow a following via word of mouth as people start to rent it.  Crack a beer, M. Night.  It’s the first one you’ve deserved since 1999.

 

 

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Apr 19 2017
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Movies

BQB’s Classic Movie Rewind – Fight Club (1999)

The first rule of this review is don’t talk about this review.

The second rule of this review is don’t talk about this review.

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Fight Club.  It’s been on cable lately.  I’ve caught it a couple times and I’ve become addicted to it.  I saw it when it came out and I realized even then that it was awesome and revolutionary, but I feel like I have a greater appreciation of it now that I’ve gotten older.

The general plot:  Edward Norton plays a corporate office drone.  We never get his real name. He’s a mopey sad sack, depressed with his life.  Feeling no sense of purpose, he goes to work, comes home, and spends his money buying useless crap for his home.  Stuff that he doesn’t need.  He hopes it will make him happy but nothing makes him happy.

One day, the highly opinionated, ultra violent, doesn’t give a shit about anything Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) walks into Norton’s life.  Tyler browbeats Norton into starting “Fight Club” and the first rule of Fight Club is to never talk about Fight Club.

The club consists of grown men meeting in a basement and beating the crap out of each other.  I suppose that film critics could argue about what exactly that means but the gist seems to be that the more physical pain these dudes endure, the less shits they give.

“Stop giving a shit” is essentially Tyler’s message to Norton.  Tyler informs Norton that he needs to give up on the idea that he’ll live forever, that he must accept that he’ll die one day, that everything is in a sense of decay and people just waste their lives doing pointless shit and coming up with excuses as to why they can’t do what they want.

Millennials, you guys think you’re depressed?  Please.  You don’t hold a candle to Generation X and in many ways, this film captures the ennui my generation suffered in our younger days.

Take Tyler’s “Great Depression” Speech, for example:

“Man, I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see it squandered. Goddammit, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man; no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War is a spiritual war. Our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won’t; and we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

Shit.  I was just a youngster when I first heard Tyler say that.  I didn’t think much of it.  Many years later, I realize the meaning.  He’s right.  Generation X didn’t have World War II, or Vietnam.  Things were actually pretty good in the world and you’d think that’s a good thing but the problem that arises is when the people of a generation don’t have to worry about a great cause, or a big war or what have you, then they have time to focus on doing what they actually want…and sadly, it’s just human nature to come up with excuses to explain away why we aren’t doing what we want to do.  Even worse, try as we might, there just aren’t enough resources for everyone to do what they want to do.

Oddly, I’m in a weird place where I’m on the tail end of Generation X.  A few years later, I could have been a millennial.  Tyler may have been off a little bit.  Little did he know that two years after this movie, 9/11 would happen and that would change the world, especially people like me who were just becoming adults around that time.

In a way, the movie makes a lot of points about life and how its too easy to feel hopeless.  It captures the mood of Generation X well, but then again, after 9/11, it seems kind of sad that we felt bad that there wasn’t a great conflict.  Hell, I’d do anything to go back to the pre-9/11 days and be like Ed Norton with nothing to worry about but what useless crap to buy from the catalog.

Anyway, enough of the philosophy.  From a writing standpoint, the film is brilliant.  There are many twists and turns that are unexpected yet they blow you away.  The film also builds a formula and that it feeds on and uses to build itself.  Fight Club grows, the number of Fight Club members grow, they all become pawns for Tyler to move around in  the giant mental game of chess he’s playing.

Helena Bonham Carter stars as Marla Singer, a crazy lady loved by Norton but banged by Tyler, much to Norton’s dismay.

Meanwhile, a young Jared Leto appears in a supporting role as the platinum blonde Angel Face.  Even 1970s music legend Meat Loaf joins Fight Club as the large breasted Robert Paulson.

I dunno, 3.5 readers.  Check out the film.  There’s a lot of different meanings.  You can sort of get a sense of the purpose-less-ness (if that’s a word) that young people felt at the time, and then again, there’s the message of stop pursuing materialism, stop making excuses for why you aren’t doing what you want to do, stop living a boring life.  No, you don’t (and should not) start an illegal Fight Club turned widespread criminal organization, but you could realize that life is short and it is a shame if you don’t at least try to do what you want to do.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

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Apr 18 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – The Zookeeper’s Wife (2017)

War!  Intrigue!  Nazis vs. Zoo animals!

BQB here with a review of The Zookeeper’s Wife.

Based on a true story, this film tells the tale of Jan and Antonina Zabinski, owners/operators of the Warsaw Zoo who used their property to save persecuted Jews during World War II.

Before the war, Jan (Johan Heldenburgh) and Atonina (Jessica Chastain), live an idyllic life.  They love animals and they take care of zebras, elephants, lions, tigers, all sorts of exotic animals on their sprawling property.  They even do a good business, charging admission.

Alas, all this changes because of the Nazis.  Oh you dirty Nazis, you’re always the turd in history’s punch bowl, aren’t you?

The Zabinskis’ zoo is partially destroyed by Nazi bombs dropped all over the city.  What’s left is confiscated.  The animals are shot and turned into meat and soap for the Nazi war effort.

Sidenote:  Whether it’s during World War II or more recently in Venezuela, once the government resorts to shooting zoo animals for food, shit is not good.

Back to the review.  Long story short, what’s left of the zoo is turned over to Lutz Heck (Daniel Bruhl), a German zoologist who had once been a friend of the Zabinskis in happier times.  Sadly, once Lutz puts on a Nazi uniform and becomes Hitler’s official zoologist, he gets a little too drunk on power and becomes an insufferable douchen-dorfer.

You know you want to see this movie just because the villain is a Nazi zoologist, don’t you?

Anyway, being the good people that they are, the Zabinskis begin rescuing and hiding their close Jewish friends.  Pretty soon, they realize that with underground tunnels once used to house tigers, buildings and trucks, they have all the means necessary to run a Jewish rescue/hiding/smuggling to safety operation.

The danger comes from the fact that they must do all this right under the nose of their ex-friend turned Nazi.

Will the Zabinskis be successful?  Will they be caught?

You’ve got to watch to find out.

Overall, it’s a touching story.  So many stories came out of WWII and they continue even today.

Much credit is due to the Zabinskis.  They probably could have relied on their friendship with a Nazi to ride out World War II by just keeping their heads down and going about their business.  Instead, they put themselves into great danger and in doing so, saved the lives of hundreds of people.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  A good movie, sort of an Oscar-bait film designed to show off Jessica Chastain’s acting chops.  Not necessary to rush out to the theater but it’s worth a rental.

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Apr 17 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Let my 3.5 readers go!

No, wait.  Bring my 3.5 readers back.  If they leave, then no one will read this terrible blog.

BQB here with a review of Exodus: Gods and Kings.

It’s Easter night and you know what that means.  Eating copious amounts of candy and watching the story of Moses.  For the longest time, you were able to watch The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston or since 2014, you can watch the Christian Bale version, Exodus:  Gods and Kings.

Yup, I’m a few years late in reviewing this film but hey, better late than never and I figure I might as well review it while I’m watching it.

This film is visually stunning.  It’s a little surprising it didn’t get an Oscar love.  I mean, I still can’t believe that pile of crap Birdman won an Oscar but this film didn’t get much recognition.

The interesting part of this film is that it is told to suit a modern audience.

Oh wait, you’re probably all heathens who don’t know any of this shit so let me give you the synopsis.

Baby Moses is floated down the river and honestly, I forget why.  Maybe his parents were in trouble.  Maybe someone was after Moses.  Maybe his parents were crackheads.  At any rate, when the little guy reaches shore, he’s found by the Egyptian royal family and adopted as the son of the Pharaoh.

Moses grows up and lives the life of a wealthy, arrogant Egyptian royal family member, looking down upon the poor and downtrodden, especially the Jews, who are whipped and beaten and used as slave labor to build the pyramids and shit.

Later, Moses learns that he is, in fact, Jewish, and suddenly he starts to feel bad about how the Jews are being treated.  God speaks to him via a burning bush.  The Pharaoh has died and Moses’ adopted brother, Ramses, becomes the Pharaoh.

The burning bush tells Moses to pass along a message to Ramses.  Sorry if I botch the message, but its basically, “Let my people (the Jews) go, or shit’s about to go down.”

Ramses scoffs at this.  He’s the mighty Pharaoh after all.  So God follows through.  Plagues, pestilence, frogs, locusts, all kinds of heinous shit happens to the Egyptians.  Even their first born sons are all killed.

Tired of all the bullshit, Ramses lets the Jews go, then thinks better of it, and sends his Army to recapture them.  Moses, now a mighty right hand of God, uses his power to part the Red Sea, allowing the Jews to escape to safety and then brings it down on the Egyptians, drowning them.

Boo-yah!  Sorry, but someone needed to bring that Pharaoh down a peg.

Anyway, I apologize if I got that story wrong but that’s the gist that’s in my mind anyway.

The Charlton Heston version provides a fairly true to the bible version.

This new version, Exodus, keeps the modern, skeptical viewer in mind.  There isn’t a whole lot of magic in the movie but rather, room to speculate and ponder.

For example, all the locusts and pestilence and kids dying could be God, or it could just all be the result of bizarre natural occurrences.  The times were bad and people lived in lousy, unsanitary conditions, so its not that surprising that a lot of kids would die or that a bunch of bugs would show up.

Moses (Bale) tells Ramses that this is all legit, that all the bad shit that’s going down is because of God.  Ramses accuses Moses of being a crazy charlatan, that he’s somehow bringing all the plagues and killing all the kids just so he can steal all his slaves.

As a viewer, you’re free to think either option.

Meanwhile, there’s no burning bush but rather, a boy who a) is definitely God who has taken the form of a boy to speak to Moses or b) a very religious boy who thinks he speaks for God or c) the result of some hallucination Moses is experiencing.  Again, your choice.

Further, the Red Sea is parted.  Moses might have done it…or it might have just been a giant tidal wave caused by super bad weather.

In other words, maybe Moses had powers and maybe he was God’s right hand man in freeing his people…or maybe Moses just lucked his way through a series of bizarre events and coincidences that made it look like he was working for God but in fact, just stumbled his way to glory.

I don’t know, man.  I wasn’t there.  All in all, it’s an interesting retelling and preserves the story for a new generation.

STATUS: Shelfworthy.

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Apr 16 2017
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In Case You Missed It...

In Case You Missed It – Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Romance Movie Fan

Oh Hollywood.  You’re always making men look so much better than we are, thus letting women down whenever we fart or burp or do something that doesn’t live up to your ultra high standards.

Is your girlfriend way too addicted to Romance Movies?  Check this fabulous list to be sure.

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Apr 15 2017
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.  The movie trailer is out for The Last Jedi.

It’s mostly Rey doing some Karate Kid style training while Luke channels Mr. Miyagi.

One note:  Luke does say something like “this is the end of the Jedi” or something.  I hope they don’t actually end the Jedi and try to make some kind of “other” space warrior in future Star Wars films.

We want Jedis and we will only accept Jedis.

You 3.5 readers didn’t believe me when I said this title means that an end to the Jedi is likely but, um, yeah, I think they’re killing off the Jedi and if they do, then why bother keeping up with the franchise?

Oh well.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Apr 15 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Going in Style (2017)

Geriatric bank robbers run amuck!

BQB here with a review of the old fogie heist comedy, Going in Style.

You know 3.5 readers, I went into this movie thinking I would hate it.  First, I’ve seen this plot before.  Old actors get together to do a tour de farce.  I saw it with Clint Eastwood and James Garner in Space Cowboys.  I saw it with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in Bucket List.

Second, I go to movies to be entertained and the idea that all these old geezers are “going” as in they don’t have much time left just seemed sad.

I was pleasantly surprised.  It’s tight and witty, all the things you want in a good comedy.

Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Alan Arkin are three elderly retirees who are fed up with being screwed over.  When their pensions are liquidated, it’s the last straw.  Old, broke, and not seeing much of a future left, they hatch a scheme to rob the bank that did them wrong.

Yes, there are lots of old fart jokes.  That is to be expected but hey, it’s all fun just the same.

What surprises me is that this is a cast of octogenarians (eighty something year olds) who  are running around doing zany things throughout the film.  Sure, they do it all slowly, but still.  I hope I make it to eighty and I hope I have as much style as these three gents when I do.

Ann-Margaret plays Alan Arkin’s love interest and at 76, she’s still bone-able.  The years have been kind to her and if she’s had any work done, it doesn’t show.  Her face is pretty and I don’t know how she does it, but she’s not doing it with one of those Joan Rivers style “my face is pulled so far back I look like an alien” facelifts.  I would totally bring Ann-Margret a bottle of prune juice and hit that all night if she would ever find herself so inclined to do me the honor.  Sadly, she probably won’t.  (Call me Ann-Margret.  I want to eat all of the stale, wrapped candies at the bottom of your old lady purse.)

I feel like Ann-Margaret has been playing the hot old lady love interest for years now.  I remember her playing the hot old babe that Walter Matthhau and and Jack Lemon went to war over in 1993’s Grumpy Old Men.

Quick observation – Ann-Margaret was only in her fifties when those two grumpy old men fought over her and she’s in her seventies while these men are in there eighties.  In other words, no matter how old the leading men are in a movie, the actress still has to be younger.  Hollywood rules.

Appearances made by Kenan Thompson of SNL, Matt Dillon. and yes, Christopher Lloyd.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably not worth a trip to the theater, but you should see it.  It’s a pretty solid comedy.  There are sad moments that capture the human condition, i.e., everyone has to die someday and no one wants to, even eighty-year olds who have had as much time as anyone can expect.  However, there’s enough comedy and good vibes to overcome the sad parts of the film.

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Apr 12 2017
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The Real McCoy

The Real McCoy – Easter is a Time to Remember James Van Der Beek

By: Leo McCoy, the Man Who Once Delivered a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

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Howdy doo, 3.5 heathens.

Today, I want to talk to you about a very important holiday.  This Sunday marks the resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ.  Two thousand and seventeen years ago, Jesus was dragged through the streets, beaten worse than a dog, then nailed to a cross to become a martyr for our sins.

You really took one for the team, J-Dawg, and I for one remember you every time I get caught by the cops in my motel room with a fist full of dollar bills in one hand and a Vietnamese lady boy’s fake tits in the other.  “I’m but a mortal man,” I say.  “I am not responsible for any of this and that’s why Jesus had to die so that I could be saved.”

Are you a dirty, rotten, lowlife sinner?  You probably are.  We all have our sins.  Maybe you steal ladies’ underpants and sniff them or maybe you cheat on your wife or maybe you cut the “Do Not Remove” tags off of your mattress or something.  That last sin is especially unforgivable.  I mean, the tag says, “Do Not Remove.”  It’s not like it’s hurting anything by being there.  You never know when a mattress inspector might need to come check on your mattress tag an if he ever does, you and your scissors made his job that much harder.  Be ashamed of yourself.  Very ashamed.

Yes, Jesus deserves our love and respect on the two main holidays that celebrate him.  That’s why on Christmas, the celebration of Jesus’ birth, we worship a fat North Pole dweller who gives presents to all the children.  That’s why on the occasion of his death and glorious resurrection, we worship a bunny that hops all over creation, leaving chocolate statues of himself for children to find.

But while we do a pretty good job of remembering Jesus, I must say that we do a terrible job of remembering James Van Der Beek.

Yes, many years ago, that flaxen haired teen heartthrob had a fabulous acting career ahead of him.  He could have taken any part, but  instead, he took a role as Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.  And while he wowed us for many years and dared us to dream about what it would be like if our best friend was our rival for our love interest while at the same time, our hearts yearned to leave our hometown and travel far, far away to LA to become a movie director, James was forever typecast.

Sadly, after Dawson’s Creek ended, no one was able to see James as anyone but Dawson ever again.  James could have skipped the Creek and could have become a mega smash hit box office leading man, but he cared about us and our love of the Creek.  In effect, his movie career died for our sins.  James Van Der Beek is the Jesus of Hollywood.

That’s why this Sunday, I will not only say a prayer to Jesus, but also to JVDB.  Ever since I delivered a sandwich to that god who walks like a man, I have lived my life by one motto and one motto alone  – “What would James Van Der Beek Do?”

“WWJVDBD?”  I’ve got it tattooed on every part of my body and I even wear I bracelet to remind myself of that very important question.  You should do the same, 3.5 readers.  You should definitely do the same.

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Apr 11 2017
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Movies

Movie Trailer – Thor: Ragnarok

Hey 3.5 readers.

The trailer for Thor: Ragnarok is out and it’s pretty fantastic.  The use of Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song (“I come from the land of the ice and snow…”) is pretty effective.

What say you, 3.5?

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Apr 09 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – The Smurfs: The Lost Village

La la la la la la…it’s a big ole stinkfest.

BQB here with a review of The Smurfs:  The Lost Village.

3.5 readers, perhaps you might recall in the past decade that Neil Patrick Harris teamed up with the Smurfs to make two films in which the little blue people crossed over into the human world.  They were silly and fun though the scenes of the beautiful Smurf village left me wondering why the studio didn’t just forgo NPH all together and just make an adventure where the Smurfs strike out on their own sans humans.

I still believe there’s a story out there about the Smurfs in Smurf world that could dazzle an audience on the big screen.  While this film is OK…this isn’t it.

When Gargamel (Rainn Wilson) and a group of Smurfs comprised of Smurfette (Demi Lovato), Brainy (Danny Pudi), Hefty (Joe Manganiello), and Clumsy (Jack McBryer) learn of the existence of a lost Smurf village, it’s a race to see who can locate the never before seen Smurfs first.  The Smurfs want to save their comrades in blue whereas Gargamel, as usual, wants to harvest them to enhance his magic.

I was too harsh up above where I said it is a stinkfest.  It isn’t.  It’s a perfectly lovely film to sit your kids down in front of.  Perhaps selfishly, I noticed that it lacks what a lot of the great cartoons have, namely jokes that reach out to the adults in the room while going over the kids’ heads, just to say, “Hey, we know you had to bring a kid to this, so we’re going to give you a little reward to thank you for coming so you won’t be bored out of your mind.”

Mandy Patinkin voices Gargamel and while he’s a suitable famous old person for the role, as a fan of Homeland, I just expected jazz music to start playing ominously in the background while Smurfette morphs into Carrie and starts mixing wine with pills and crying over Brodie while Papa Smurf Saul starts yelling at her to snap out of it and focus on finding the terrorists for the good of her country.

Meanwhile, there’s a feminist subplot for Smurfette.  All of the boy Smurfs have a name that matches who they are or what they are good at.  Baker Smurf, Vanity Smurf, Farmer Smurf and so on.  Smurfette’s name just means “girl smurf” and she thinks that’s unfair.  She wants to find out what she’s good at and get a name that reflects it because she’s more than just a female smurf.

SPOILER ALERT: the film addresses that eventually, but you know, not to the point where Smurfette gets a name change to reflect that she’s more than just a girl smurf.  You know some Hollywood suit ran into that writer’s room and was all like, “We are NOT changing the name of a character/kids’ toy that’s been marketed as Smurfette for umpteen million years, jerk wads, so deal with it!”

And to me, that’s fine.  I’m glad Smurfette finds here groove, but I’d be sad at this point if they changed her name.

DOUBLE SPOILER ALERT:  As you know if you’re a fan, Smurfette was made when Gargamel molded a lump of clay into the form of a Smurf.  She was supposed to be his spy, but she became good and loved her smurfy friends.  At the end, and again, look away if you don’t want to know the end, Smurfette gets turned back into that lump of clay.  The incredibly sad smurfs haul this clay lump that looks like a big blue turd back to Smurf Village and cry and bawl all over it until it becomes Smurfette again.  I just wish someone in the studio had the guts to raise their hand and say, “We need to rewrite this.  This lump of clay looks like a big blue poop.”

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  A good kids’ film.  However, I do believe that the Smurfs franchise has the power to create a movie that becomes an instant classic that stands the test of time, beloved by generations to come.  This film isn’t it and while adorable, funny, and even action packed at times, it’s quickly forgettable.  Kids will love it and I suppose that is the point in the end.

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