Inappropriate Musicals – Balls of Glory: The John Wayne Bobbitt Story – Act 2

SONG TITLE: “Where Is It?”

(John Wayne Bobbitt wakes up.  He gets out of bed, stretches and yawns.  He breaks out into song.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Something’s missing…

(A chorus of neighborhood men flood the room.)

CHORUS:

Don’t you hate that feeling?  Is it under the bed?  Is it stuck to the ceiling?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

What did I loose?  Is it my keys?  Is it my shoes?

CHORUS:

Something isn’t right!  What a terrible fright!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m feeling very indignant.  Something’s amiss.  Something is wrong.  Something feels so different.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your wallet?  We think we saw in on the coffee table!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No, it’s not that, but I just feel so unstable.

CHORUS:

Did you lose your day planner?  We think you dropped it on the stairs.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No.  This has caught me unawares.

CHORUS:

How frightful to know that something is gone, but to not know what is missing…

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT heads to the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat and drops his pants.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Oh well, maybe I’ll figure it out while I’m pissing.  AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT returns to the bedroom.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Where is it?

CHORUS:

Where is what?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My penis! My Johnson!  My cock!

CHORUS:

It’s not there?!

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

No sirs, right now I’m wearing empty underwear.

CHORUS:

It’s probably the last place you left it.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Could it be in the kitchen?  Could it be in the sink?  I’m sorry that I’m bitchin’ but it’s enough to make a man drink?

CHORUS:

Where, oh where is your best pal?  That is what we must know!

(JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT looks around.)

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Hey!  Did anyone see Lorena go?

(A knock at the door.  BOBBITT opens it.  A police officer hold up a plastic bag.)

POLICE OFFICER:

Sir, is this yours?

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

Why, yes!  Where did it go?  It’s never left me before!

POLICE OFFICER:

We need to get you to a doctor.  See if it can be sewn back on.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

My God!  Will it ever work again?  Will an erection it ever yield?

POLICE OFFICER:

I have no idea.  We found it at the edge of an abandoned field.

JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT:

But officer! Please, tell me!  Will it ever produce a load?

POLICE OFFICER:

What do I look like?  A dick scientist?  It was just lying there on the side of the road!

 

 

 

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