Dahmer! (The Musical)

Moving on with our inappropriate musical series:

SONG TITLE: Eat My Friends

(Jeffrey Dahmer is surrounded by a number of people who leer at him.  They all break out into song.)

RANDOM MAN:  He’s a weirdo!  He’s a bum!

RANDOM WOMAN: He looks like he never has fun!

RANDOM MAN 2:  He wears window pane glasses that scare us off our asses!

RANDOM WOMAN 2: He drinks scotch in the middle of the day!  What more do we have to say?

ENTIRE CHORUS:  Come on! Let’s run away!

(Dahmer looks up and cries.  He pulls a power drill and a paper mache head out of a duffel bag.)

DAHMER:  Why?!  Oh why do they all run away?

Frightened by my appearance before they hear what I have to say!

I’ve come up with the only way – to make them stay!

Yes, on my happiness this idea depends!

And that is why I’ll eat my friends!

(DAHMER revs up the drill.)

I’ll drill a hole…

(A new CHORUS returns.  Each CHORUS member represents a different voice inside DAHMER’s head.)

CHORUS: He’ll drill a hole!

DAHMER: Inside their heads…

CHORUS: Inside their heads!

DAHMER: And surely that won’t make anyone dead!

CHORUS: No it won’t!

DAHMER: Upon this action, the police will surely frown, but I can tell you, this is all very medically sound!

CHORUS:  Of course!

DAHMER:  If no one will be a friend to me, then I’ll drill their heads until they become zombies!  They’ll cater to my every demand! They’ll obey all my commands!

CHORUS:  And if that fails?

DAHMER:  Then I’ll eat ’em.


DAHMER: Fella, eat your friends, it’s the only way to keep a compadre or a pal.

Fella, eat your friends.  Nothing could be sour when you devour your bosom buddy or your favorite gal!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, oh why, oh why can’t you see?  A friend can’t get any closer to you than when they’re deep inside your belly!

Oh, I’m going to eat all my friends, fry them up in a pan!  Add some salt, but just a smidge!  Put the leftovers in my fridge…oh yes, I tell you yes, I’ll eat my friends!

CHORUS:  Jeffy, are you really, are you really going to eat your friends?

DAHMER: You know it!

CHORUS: Are you going to filet them sautee them and eat them up from head to thighs?

DAHMER:  Hell, I think I’ll serve them up with curly fries!  Oh why, oh why can’t you see?  There’s nothing tastier, nothing more delicious to me!  I can’t think a better way of time to spend…then dicing and slicing and grilling up a friend!

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