Tag Archives: poop

The Tim Horton’s Poop Thrower

Mother of God, 3.5 readers.  Mother of God, indeed.

Have you seen this video yet?  Thank God if you haven’t.  If you haven’t, maybe don’t watch it and retain your faith in humanity for another day.  If you have, holy crap, right?

If you are a brave person, watch this video that has been making the rounds and then reconvene below to discuss.  Do keep in mind though that it features: a) a lady pooping on the floor of a coffee shop b) the woman picking up the poop and throwing it at the employee and c) the women wiping her butt and throwing the poopy napkins at the employee.

And even though the poop part is blurry, you can still make out what’s happening sooo…OK my attorney says I have given you all fair warning and if you are traumatized by this then don’t say I didn’t warn you:

 

So, let’s discuss my salient observations:

#1 – Note this takes place in Canada.  Tim Horton’s is their version of Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.  Canadians like to act all high and mighty, acting like they’re so much better than Americans but clearly there is one Canadian exhibiting some very shitty behavior.  Pun intended.

#2 – So, she grabs a napkin, then poops on the floor….and I can’t tell but I assume she uses the napkin to pick up the poop…so she doesn’t want to touch her own poop but she thinks its ok to throw the poop at the employee.

#3 – Apparently, based on news reports I’ve read, this was a dispute gone very, very wrong after the employee refused to let the woman use the bathroom and apparently, according to reports, the woman has had a history of causing trouble in this store.  I mean, holy crap, at this point, between Starbucks being accused of racism and now a lady throwing her poop…I mean, if I’m working at a coffee shop I’m just going to be like, screw it.  Sure, use the bathroom.  I’d rather clean up dookie off the floor with cleaning supplies than have one thrown at me or be accused of being a klansman or something.

#4 – Is Jane Goodall available for an interview?  I think her theory on how man evolved from monkeys has been proven given that this lady has monkey like poop throwing skills.

#5 – So…it wasn’t enough that she threw the poop, she had to also throw the poop wipes for an extra flourish.

#6 – Obviously, she really had to poop.  Like, you can’t fake that or poop on command.  She had a hot turd in the chamber because it was ready to go.

#7 – I have to give this lady some credit because she must be eating her roughage and getting lots of fiber in her diet.  You think I’m joking but I have studied this issue.  What you really want to shoot for is for your poops to just sail right out of your butt with little to no straining, and that’s often accomplished by drinking plenty of water and eating your vegetables.  But, if you’re skipping the vegetables and eating a lot of cheese and dairy and candy and junk food, well, let’s just say if that were me, I’d be like, “Oh yeah? You won’t let me use the bathroom?  Well, I’ll show you!  Ungh!  Ungh!  Unnnnnnnghhh!   Damn it, get me a newspaper!  Ungh…ungh…ungh…fuck!  Maybe if I hum this will go faster….tall and tan and long and lovely, the girl from Ipanema comes walking….UNGH!!!”

And that would leave the employee plenty of time to call the cops and by the time the fuzz arrives I’d still be pushing and the security footage would show like my face turning red and a vein popping out of my head.

So…disgusting as this is and frankly, she should do jail time for this, I have to hand it to this lady, maybe she has saved some lives here, because if your poops aren’t coming out in a clean, quick pinch like above, then you’ve definitely got to work on your diet and eat healthier.

Do you have any poopy observations?  Leave your shitty comments below.

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Ask the Alien – 1/24/17 – How Do Aliens Poop?

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Intergalactic Correspondent/Non-Pants Wearer Alien Jones

Greetings Earth Losers.

Alien Jones here, beaming this column directly to your primitive computing devices from the farthest reaches of the Omekulon Cluster.  I don’t want to disparage the fine folks of this Cluster, but let’s just say, they didn’t invent the term, “Clusterf*%k” for nothing.

How have you 3.5 humans been?  I feel we haven’t chatted in awhile.  I could say I miss it but, you know, the dictatorial regime that presides over my home planet didn’t clone a liar.

As you know, this is the only column in the universe where pitiful humans have an opportunity to ask questions of me, an all knowing alien.

This one comes Shelly Ruckschplittle of Doofendorf, Montana:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens poop?  I have always wanted to know and I spend several hours a day pondering this question.

Several hours a day?  Shelly, I hate to channel BQB’s Uncle Hardass, but seriously, get a job.

The immediate answer is, “It depends.”  All living beings remove waste.  Some just do it more efficiently than others.

For example, highly refined clones such as myself have been tricked out so that our tummies are essentially spontaneous combustion machines.  Thus, I can eat and eat and eat and never gain any weight.  My food is converted to energy and any excess is burned up with no need for poop.

Therefore, my only orifice is my mouth.  The rest of me is airtight.

Here are how some other aliens poop:

  • Splattavarians poop gold coins.  No one is poor on Splattavaria.  However, banks are very smelly.
  • Fozdavoks poop fire.  Every bathroom is equipped with a titanium bucket and a fire extinguisher.  Chili night has been banned ever since Fozdavok City was wiped out.
  • Mayorps poop songs.  Hilarious yet true.  Just take a Mayorp out to dinner and be prepared for a heartwarming rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.”  You’ll cry from the oniony aroma.
  • Hoobavongs poop black holes.  Ironic isn’t it?  Black holes emanating from their black holes.  Many hoobavongian proctologists have been lost.  Where did they end up?  Your guess is as good as mine.
  • Chuzzlefrings can actually transfer their poops to one another.  Thus, if you’re a very busy Chuzzlefring with no time to poop, you can transfer your poop to your assistant.  The most common frat party gag is for everyone to transfer their poops to a sleepy Chuzzlefring, who then ends up pooping a mountain in the morning.

I could get into the beings who poop radiation, disease, famine, locusts, and autographed photos of Justin Bieber, but I won’t bore you.  Suffice to say, there are many aliens who poop in strange, magical ways.

Thank you for your attention, 3.5 readers.  As always, stay on BQB’s back and continue to encourage him to write his novels in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.  (I don’t even want to get into the details of how the Mighty Potentate poops.  I could tell you, but he’d have me vaporized).

All Hail the Mighty Potentate and His Most Glorious, Awe-Inspiring Poops.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – QPark

Hey 3.5 readers.

I don’t think this guy has a lot of heat on him yet compared to the other YouTubers I’ve been talking about, but he deserves some.

Very short videos that deliver maximum funny punch for the masses with short attention spans, perfect for tweeting out, sharing on Facebook or what have you.

For example, “When You Look Up Your Symptoms Online.”

Yup.  I’ve been known to suffer a mild affliction only to look it up online and become convinced I have Ebola too.  Good one, QPark.

But what if someone invades your personal space?

Or worse, what if a dude completely violates years of firmly established dude law and uses the urinal directly next to you when there are many other urinals available?

Or how about when someone asks you how your diet is going and you lie and tell them its going great even when you’ve been shoving all kinds of junk food down your pie hole?

It took me a second to figure out what he was doing with the powder and the credit card until I finally realized he was snorting Kool Aid mix as if it were cocaine.  Sigh.  We’ve all chased that fruity flavored dragon before, haven’t we 3.5 readers?

Plus, the juxtaposition of the song from 2000’s Requiem for a Dream (a Darren Aronofsky directed film about drug addiction) with a scene of QPark injecting himself with chocolate sauce tells me this guy knows his pop culture.

Finally, out of all of QPark’s vids, this last one is the one that left me in tears.

Have you ever pooped in a public toilet, had the water splash your butt, and then have that little alarm go off in your head where you start to worry about all the germs that just touched your butt?

I have.  I can’t say that I’ve ever asked a friend to put on goggles and go at my butt with a blowtorch, but public toilet water splashes are still a concern that the media never talks about.

Thanks for raising awareness, QPark.

Keep an eye on this dude, 3.5 readers. He’s going places.

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Squatty Potty Pooping Unicorn Commercial

Oh My God. Oh My God. Oh My God.

Please drop what you are doing and watch this commercial for the Squatty Potty.

The argument is that humans, like cavemen, weren’t meant to poop in toilets but meant to squat wherever they are outside to poop.  Squatting opens your uh, well, you know…opens it up more so the poop comes out better.

A unicorn pooping rainbow sherbet explains the concept without you know, showing disgusting poop.

I don’t know.  This is commercial is hilarious.  Hysterical.  I can’t stop laughing.

By the way, has anyone out there ever used one? Does it work?  I kinda want one now.

P.S. reports are going around that this one hilarious video increased the Squatty Potty company’s sales by 600 percent.  I know I’ve heard ads for it on Howard Stern but in my head I always envisioned it as some like rigged up contraption I’d have to get into just to poop.  This commercial illustrates that its just basically a little stool (to help you make stool) and tucks away neatly when you’re done.

 

 

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