It’s finally here, the preview for the new all-female Ghostbusters movie:
My main observation is it looks and feels like the original.
They’re not quite like the original team but:
A) You’ve got the lovable, almost childish nerd Ray (Dan Akroyd) vs. Abby (Melissa McCarthy)
B) The glasses wearing ultra smart nerd – Egon (Harold Ramis) vs. Jillian (Kate McKinnon)
C) The leader – Venkman (Bill Murray) vs. Erin (Kristen Wiig)
D) The black non-scientist who talks the scientists into keeping it real – Winston (Ernie Hudson) vs. Patty (Leslie Jones)
I’ll just throw it out there. A Ghostbusters sequel has always been a very high hurdle to jump over because the first was so great.
It was such an original and funny idea – serious so you felt a sense of danger but hilarious that you kept laughing.
In this preview, you have what looks like a ghost in a library. A giant monster in New York. Tributes to the original. But then again, the tough part about comedy movie sequels is that people ALWAYS expect a repeat of the original movie’s jokes.
I don’t know. They’re not deviating from the original formula, that’s for sure. But then if they went off the deep end into something too new people would criticize that too.
I want it to be good. I hope it is good. I can’t believe it’s been 30 years though. Holy shit.
You know, I really don’t care that it is an all woman cast. I know some people have complained about it. I just want it to be good, funny and enjoyable.
I will say this – we’ve come a long way that there are so many female nerd moviegoers that an all female Ghostbusters cast would get the studio green light. These nerd women were nowhere to be found when I was a young lad.
I’m also glad to see whatever idea they’re going with here does not wipe out the first two movies. It exists in the same world and at least according to IMDB some of the original Ghostbusters will be making cameos.
Two years. Hard to believe it. Two years ago this month, Bookshelf Q. Battler was stuffing his pie hole full of disgusting Taco Bell burritos when the idea to create the Bookshelf Battle Blog was born.
He’s come a long way since then and I must be honest, it came as a great surprise to me when my exalted ruler, the Mighty Potentate, assigned me the burdensome challenge of helping this nerd get his writing career off the ground.
I still remember how the conversation went:
MIGHTY POTENTATE: JONES! You are to aid the Chosen One in his efforts to become a successful writer!
ALIEN JONES: But Potent One, I’ve read his lousy blog and honestly, isn’t there a more realistic task? Perhaps there’s a black hole I could close?
ALIEN JONES: Wha..oh! You almost got me there, Your Potentosity. You are truly the craftiest of all potentates.
For those new to the 3.5 reader club:
The Mighty Potentate oversees a mind-boggingly vast empire of planets.
He despises reality television and fears if it goes unchecked, humans will spread this dreadful art form across the cosmos, replacing the MP’s much loved scripted programming.
The Potent One has seen in a vision that BQB’s writing will one day cause all humans to reject reality television.
Ergo, I am stuck as BQB’s advisor until he writes a novel so expertly crafted that it motivates all humans to reject shows in which brainless celebrities are followed around by cameras for no apparent reason.
So in other words, I’m BQB’s advisor forever.
Oh, and if BQB does not write such a novel before he kicks the bucket, the Potentate does intend to invade earth, strip it for parts, and resell it on the intergalactic real estate market. The Moloklaxons have already shown an interest but you know, they’re not considered the a-holes of the universe for nothing.
BQB, on behalf of the Mightiest of Potentates, I’m glad to see you have made so much progress on your novel, How the West Was Zombed.
Cowboys. Zombies. Love. Romance. Daring do. Werewolves. Vampires. Could use some aliens but eh, nothing is perfect.
Will this be the novel that hooks humans on a higher form of entertainment?
Well, I’ve read it and…hey, let’s just say if you want to be the one who informs the Mighty Potentate…be my guest. I just hope you don’t mind being vaporized. The MP gets a little testy when he doesn’t get his way and he has a hair trigger when it comes to his vaporization cannon.
Honestly, I was a little bummed that BQB put Undersiredverse on the shelf for now. It’s not like I utilized astounding time travel technologies to beam adventures from 3000 AD (which as you know, isn’t here yet) into BQB’s brain so he could write about them.
And I won’t even take it personally, since I had a significant role. I’m sure BQB will write this book eventually.
Really, what does it matter? Even if BQB does finish Undersiredverse, and even if he swings a movie deal with Hollywood, the CGI alien that plays me will never be nominated for an Academy Award.
That’s ok though. I’ve grown used to speciesism. Even so, I can’t help but notice a lack of aliens when it comes to Academy recognition. #OscarsSoHuman
For the 3.5 of you who enjoyed my columns, I apologize for not being around as much this year. It’s not by choice. There’s been a nasty trade intergalactic dispute over the price of irregular pants. War has broken out. Several planets have been decimated. It’s very tragic. I’ve been spending my time dousing water on that hot fire, leaving BQB to work on his zombie novel.
So in the meantime, dear humans, please provide BQB all the advice you can on his Zombie Western. I don’t want to say that the better this book is the less likely you’ll become the Mighty Potentate’s hairless ape slaves but…well…yeah I guess that’s what I’m saying.
But forget that. You’re helping me when you help BQB. The sooner I can drop this assignment the better. I’ve got too many plates to spin as it is.
Oh, and you can still feel free to ask the alien a question. I won’t get to them as quickly this year, but assuming your questions meet BQB’s rigorous standards (usually, that it was written by a human using words) you’ll get a plug for your book or blog.
But keep in mind it’ll take awhile. Sad to say, I’m not sure I’ll be able to check back in again until this summer. That’s how complicated this irregular pants fiasco is.
What can I say? An Esteemed Brainy One’s work is never done.
Bookshelf Q. Battler has locked himself away in BQB HQ, tapping away at the keyboard to write, “How the West Was Zombed” the first in what he hopes to be a lucrative series of “Zombie Western” novels, because he lives to make his 3.5 readers happy, and also because he wants to be paid.
But mostly, he’s doing this to satisfy the Mighty Potentate, the evil alien overlord who has charged BQB with writing novels awesome enough to convince the masses to abandon reality television, which the Mighty Potentate despises greatly.
All Hail the Mighty Potentate.
If you like it or hate it, either way, give BQB your feedback. Your comments help BQB improve his writing and we need BQB to become a better writer so that he can write a book that will save the world from a takeover by the Mighty Potentate.
Marshal Rainier Slade, a genuine stoic who’d prefer to shoot a fella as soon as look at him, is the only man in Highwater willing to face the dastardly Buchanan Boys. Reluctantly, he’s joined by his elderly deputy Gunther and the fast talking snake oil salesman Doctor Elias T. Faraday, who thinks the move would be good publicity.
When a misunderstanding occurs between Slade and Standing Eagle, Chief of a nearby Native American tribe, the Chief translates as his shaman, Wandering Snake, delivers an ominous curse.
Miss Bonnie, owner, proprietor, and prostitute-in-charge of the Bonnie Lass, is the only woman, nay, the only person alive that Slade is willing to come out of his shell for. The rest of the time, he puts on a raspy voice, angry faced persona to the world, figuring that’s the only way for a lawman to survive.
The Marshal fumbles a proposal but still makes it clear that he’d like a relationship with Miss Bonnie. She declines, only to rethink that decision when Slade defends her honor.
Slade finds a new love interest in Sarah Farquhar, a widow who has just moved to town after purchasing a large stretch of farmland. The Widow Farquhar doesn’t hesitate in pursuing Slade as Miss Bonnie did, but she’s not perfect. Slade continues to yearn for Miss Bonnie and has concerns about the Widow’s bible thumping ways, her decree that all sexual activity occur through a hole in a bed sheet in particular.
The Marshal throws caution to the wind and successfully proposes to the Widow Farquhar, only to learn Miss Bonnie has the hots for him too late.
Meanwhile, former slave turned werewolf Joseph Freeman and his teenage son, Miles, also a werewolf, arrive in town. Joseph is looking for work and takes a job assisting Slade and Gunther watch the Buchanan Boys until Judge Sampson arrives to conduct their trial.
All the while, strange reports of monsters are afoot.
Judge Sampson, a by the book jurist who’d hang his own mother for stealing a piece of candy, is about to sentence the Buchanan Boys to their doom at the end of a rope when a newcomer arrives in his courtroom.
“Simple country lawyer” Henry Alan Blythe displays a supernatural ability to get people to submit to his will. He convinces the Judge to let the Buchanan Boys off the hook.
Enraged at the injustice, Slade turns in his star. Gunther does so as well out of loyalty, though less forcefully as concerns about ripping his vest get in the way.
Joe Freeman’s past haunts him again and again and his longstanding feud with Blythe is about to come to a head.
Blythe, a villainous vampire/counsel for the Legion Corporation’s board of vampire directors, has dreamed up a scheme to conquer the United States with a zombie army that responds to his will.
But the board’s bureaucratic maneuvering threatens to throw his plan off the rails. His bosses want him to toy with Slade and Freeman, rather than kill them outright.
A discussion of the next three Star Wars movies. SPOILERS.
In the originals, now 4-6:
A NEW HOPE – Luke, a farm boy from a desert planet, comes across a droid with sensitive information. This leads him on an adventure in which he realizes that the Force is strong with him.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK – Luke has power but needs a trainer. He seeks Yoda, who trains him.
RETURN OF THE JEDI – Luke comes into his own as a Jedi and becomes the badass he was always meant to be.
THE NEW MOVIES – SPOILERS!!!
THE FORCE AWAKENS – Rey, a scavenger from a desert world, comes across a droid with sensitive information, leading her on an adventure in which she realizes the Force is strong with her. It ends with her meeting Luke Skywalker.
THIS LEADS ME TO PREDICT…
EPISODE 8 – Luke will train Rey as Yoda trained him in Empire.
EPISODE 9 – Rey will be the ultimate, fully confident badass Jedi in the final film that Luke was in Return.
In other words, Force Awakens kind of rehashed A New Hope and I theorize the next two will mirror Empire and Return of the Jedi.
Hey nerds. Do you know once in awhile I actually bump into someone who has never seen any of the Star Wars movies? That’s not even a joke. I always assume they are a communist spy or something.
For those of you who want to see The Force Awakens but have yet to see the previous films, here’s a brief synopsis.
Episode 4 was made first because George Lucas didn’t know how to count. Luke Skywalker, a farm boy from the desert (how that works I don’t know) is recruited by an elderly shut-in, Obi Wan Kenobi, to overthrow the government, “the Empire” in the name of ancient religion practiced by an order of monk-ninjas known as “the Jedi.”
Obi Wan is a master of “the Force” which sounds very mystical but really just means he can throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed. He teaches Luke how to throw shit around in the air and pull it to him as needed as well.
Luke and Obi Wan, without conveyance of their own, secure transportation from a space criminal, Han Solo and his dog man sidekick, Chewbacca. Together, they run a contraband smuggling operation, though they are not very good at it, because they had to dump some shit to avoid detection, costing their client, an obese space slug/gangster, Jabba the Hutt, a lot of money.
Darth Vader is a handicapped man who despite his debilitating injuries, refuses to allow his ill health to get in the way of getting up in the morning and doing his job. He puts on his full body respirator suit every day then goes about his business, looking for no special treatment. Truly, he is an inspiration to all.
Vader is second in command to the Emperor. They are Sith Lords, practitioners of the Dark Side of the Force, which basically means they throw shit around in the air and pull it to them as needed, but they do it for evil purposes.
The old man, the farm boy, the space criminal and dog side kick free Princess Leia, a key supporter of the Rebel Alliance, a group that has sworn to free the galaxy from the clutches of the Empire, though honestly, will they rule any better? Sometimes these rebels grab hold of power and are worse than the regime they replaced, you know.
Luke then teams up a squadron of X-Wing fighters, essentially outer space fighter pilots. The Empire has a weapon called the Death Star. It’s an enormous star sized base that has the ability to blow up a planet. It works. Ask Leia’s adopted family back on Alderaan. Oh wait. You can’t. They’ve been blown up.
Luke fires some proton torpedoes through a poorly secured vent, most likely installed by a sub par contractor who assured Vader, “Ahhh fahgeddaboudit, of course all this shit’s secure. Stop worrying and pay me already, will ya?”
And then everyone celebrates and gets medals and shit.
Next time, I will explain Episode 5 – The Empire Strikes Back.
Geeks, nerds, and assorted poindexters, get your butts on over to popculturemysteries.com – Follow the page and check back for the Pop Culture Mystery of the Week!
This week’s mystery is “Why Does Capt. Kirk Like Sabotage?” A guy in the future enjoying a Beastie Boys song from the 1990s? That’s crazy!
Are you a writer? Do you love pop culture? Most importantly, DO YOU WORK FOR FREE?!!! Then let BQB know if YOU, YES YOU would like to be deputized as a pop culture detective and be assigned your very own pop culture mystery!
Hey there, 3.5 readers. Due to some fancy footwork I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was able to attend an advanced screening of the movie every sci-fi nerd has been dying to see and I can’t contain myself any longer!
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!
OK. You’ve been warned. May the force be with you if you read further.
OK, here we go. Sorry about that. I calmed down. I’m fine now.
Our story begins with Rey, a young junk trader who happens upon the wrecked hull of an old, crashed star destroyer. Carefully, and with the assistance of her trusty companion BB-8, she lowers herself into the belly of the ship to look around and see if there’s anything she can scavenge.
Oh, what does she find? Oh it’s so amazing. I don’t think I will spoil it for you just yet. I want your jaw to drop when you see it. Go see it then come back here and tell me about it.
BUT – a contingent of stormtroopers patrolling the area want it too and Rey has to beat feet out of there. Poor little BB-8 can barely keep up. He beeps and boops a number of complaints on the way out.
All seems doomed until….HOORAY!!!! Han Solo and Chewbacca, now in their advanced age, happen to be flying by in the Millennium Falcon after getting into some mischief and they blast the shit out of the storm troopers and save Rey.
Han’s all like, “Well I hope there’s a good reason why I stuck my neck out for you kid.”
And Rey shows Han and Chewie the artifact that she’s found. Chewie goes bonkers and wants no part of this (which he communicates through a series of growls that Han translates) but Han talks him into helping out.
Han explains to Rey that the only man that can help them now is Luke Skywalker, who we learn has been ex-communicated from the Jedi order because…
Oh geez. Should I tell you? It’s really a big spoiler. In fact, it was a very bold decision by Disney if you ask me.
Luke Skywalker is a) gay and b) has married a male alien, Fazli Sekpo (sorry, I’m not sure if I’m spelling that right. Fazli is a Kweloni, a humanoid race with yellow scales and a permanently furrowed brow. I don’t know if Fazli is just angry all the time or if that’s just what Kwelonis look like.
I can tell you this is a movie that could not have been made ten years ago but due to our socially progressive modern society, we can accept the fact that Luke is homosexual but still remains our trusty, beloved hero after all of these years.
I discussed this choice with my friends on the way home. Everyone was cool with Luke being gay. That wasn’t a problem. We were divided on whether or not it was ok to be with someone outside of your species though.
One buddy of mine declared “that’s totally bestiality!” and I was like, well, no, Fazli is a sentient, intelligent being so why would it be wrong to have a relationship with a being like that?
And then he was all like, “Well if my dog started talking I wouldn’t marry him!”
And then I was like, “Fazli’s a bit more advanced than your dog, you closed minded caveman!”
Then we both apologized. But I tell you just from what I see on social media, a lot of people are having this same argument. People are going to be talking about it a long time.
Personally, I think that sucks that Luke was kicked out of the Jedi order for being with the man he loves. The Jedis say it wasn’t for that. You just aren’t allowed to marry anyone as a Jedi. Love interferes with your Jedi training. Anakin wasn’t allowed to marry Amidala after all. Are the Jedis on the level or are they anti gay rights? I don’t know.
There is a theory that we might find out Fazli is actually a woman in a future movie. We may just not understand what that particular alien race is like and maybe we assume certain things that Fazli does make him a man when he’s actually a woman. There were some hints at that. I don’t think so. But we’ll see.
OK. Moving on. That wasn’t even the biggest controversy. So Captain Phasma is pissed. Totally pissed that her storm troopers lost Rey. So she sends a squad after Rey, but Finn, a storm trooper, has second thoughts and bails out the mission.
He doesn’t want to be a storm trooper anymore. He’s felt this way a long time. He has been able to do odd things since he was a child. Move things with his hand and so on. He kept it to himself. He grew up on a planet run by Empire holdouts (led by the dastardly Kylo Ren) and they’ve declared anyone with Jedi like abilities will be executed, so Finn always kept his abilities to himself.
But no longer. He can’t allow a woman his age to become storm trooper blast fodder. So he tracks down Rey, Han and Chewie and Luke and they get together and plan out their next move.
They are summoned by Princess Leia Organa, now Queen Leia. You see, she was chosen by the good beings of Naboo to hold the throne her mother once held.
It was a split decision between the humans and the gungans. Jar Jar makes a brief cameo as the deciding vote in Leia’s favor. Everyone booed and screamed and threw popcorn and tomatoes and shit at the screen.
Leia is married to Lando Calrissian now and Billy Dee Williams looks good for a dude pushing 80. He cheats on Leia often with hot green space babes though, and Leia misses Han.
Han misses Leia too and they agree that if they get through this ordeal alive, that Leia will divorce Lando and marry Han. Chewie will officiate, having been an ordained minister for years.
C3P0 and R2D2 are the surprise villains of this flick. They’re tired of being the comic relief for six f$%king movies and want in on the real action. So they give up the Falcon’s location to Kylo Ren, who calls Captain Phasma in to blow all the heroes up and that is it.
That’s how it ends. With every character from Star Wars you ever loved being totally dead. The only one left is Jar Jar, who dawns Darth Vader’s mask (the item Rey found in the beginning) and pledges to finish what Darth started. Jar Jar and “Ani” were old pod racing buddies after all.
Jesus, you read this far? You’re very dedicated. OK. Admission. This is all made up and I did not see the movie at all. I hope to soon. And they should adopt this post as the script for the sequel.
Game of Thrones has introduced us to the possibility that despite our hatred of one side or the other, it is possible to come to a realization of how that side came to be.
Case in point. Jaime Lannister. He’s smarmy. Arrogant. But he did kill the original king. It earned him mockery in the form of the “Kingslayer” nickname, though no one cared enough to not participate in the subsequent takeover of the kingdom. He saved the day, but the people he saved it for hate him. Its tough not to be jaded.
So my hunch is things will become less clear than light vs. dark sides of the Force. Each side will have their own reasoning for fighting. Naturally, we get behind Han and Chewie et. al, but we’ll get why the bad guys do what they do, how they were driven to it.
And while I’d be very surprised if JJ Abrams breaks our hearts and turns Luke Skywalker into a villain, a climate in which audiences seek out motivations as to why villains do what they do does make a Skywalker villain more possible than ever.
I hope it doesn’t happen. I’d be very surprised.
Also, it is entirely possible this film will be just three hours of Jar Jar Binks reading a dictionary.
FORMER OFFICIAL TITLE: Distinguished Professor of Science, Advanced Science Institute of Science University (Professorship Revoked in 2015)
BIOGRAPHY: Dr. Hugo Von Science was once considered the greatest scientific mind of the modern age. He has patented over a million inventions,the most noteworthy including:
The Incredible Exploding Chinchilla – Dropped from the skies in tiny parachutes, these dangerous rodents are programmed to scurry to their targets and blow them up. No respectable military unit ever enters a war zone without a bag of incredible exploding chinchillas.
Teflon Underpants – Save a bundle on your grundle trundle, baby. Stains wipe off easily. Buy one pair, put them on, and they’ll be the last pair you ever need. They come in blue, red, black, and chartreuse. Chartreuse teflon underpants are all the rage in the Milan fashion scene.
The Duck Cannon and the “Duck, Duck!” Cannon – one device launches a water fowl at a rapid pace and the other blasts a warning that an impending duck is on the way. Used in tandem by duck launching enthusiasts.
Dr. Hugo became known as “the most trusted name in science” by becoming an ambassador for all things methodical and rational. He appeared on many talk shows extolling the virtues of a scientific education and was a rock star to young science nerds the world over.
Many youngsters, BQB included, vied for coveted spots in his class at the Advanced Science Institute.
Dr. Hugo speaks with a thick German accent, referring to everyone as “mein leibchen,” a German term of endearment.
No one remembers when it started, but signs of bitterness have been working their way into Dr. Hugo’s personality for years. Perhaps it was one too many patents being absconded with by cold hearted corporations. Maybe it was one too many research grants being cut by the bean counters.
Whatever it was, Dr. Hugo would often make odd public statements, claiming he was working on inventions that he’d one day use to conquer the world, only to shout, “Woopsie! I vasn’t supposed to mention that just yet!”
If only Dr. Hugo’s absent minded rantings had been paid more attention to, a zombie apocalypse that devastated East Randomtown might have been avoided.
Enraged that useless reality television stars make more money that scientists do, Dr. Hugo turned a bunch of them into zombies. His revenge scheme got out of control when zombified celebrities spread the virus all over BQB’s hometown.
Dr. Hugo’s professorship was revoked and from his statue in the quad to the lecture hall that was named after him, the Advanced Science Institute worked overtime to cut all ties to the icon turned mad scientist.
He is currently at large. Authorities have been unable to capture him as he has been using his invention, the two-jump pogo stick, to launch himself wherever he wants to go in the world within two jumps.
The 3.5 readers are advised that if they see Dr. Hugo, they should not attempt to apprehend him themselves as he is considered armed, dangerous, and known to be smuggling multiple incredible exploding chinchillas in his teflon underpants at all times.
Even on the lamb, he continues, against BQB’s will, to file his column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
Bookshelf Battle 