Tag Archives: vampires

Oct 15 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Way #15 – Stakes

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Well, it only took half a month but I finally got to an obvious one – stakes.

Yes, a stake through the heart will end a vampire’s reign of terror.

Stop being so cocky. A stake through the heart would kill anyone.

But there’s a religious irony. It’s like you took a piece of Christ’s cross and rammed it through a vampire’s still ticker (or heart that used to tick.)

Any piece of wood will do against a vampire.

Do not use formica or cheap ass faux wood.  Vampires survive that all the time.

Steaks as in the meat do not work.  Do not throw a porterhouse at a vampire.  It will accomplish nothing other than wasting a good dinner, bleh.

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Oct 14 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Way #14 – Vampire Sex Tapes

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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You’d think a vampire sex tape would be interesting but no.

Remember, vampires don’t cast a reflection.

Ergo, a vampire sex tape is just a two minute video of a bed that includes audio of a lot of strange, disturbing noises.

If a vampire is hassling you, just threaten to release that vampire’s sex tape.

Sure, no one will see the vampire, but people might recognize his voice.

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Oct 13 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeat a Vampire – Way #13 – Karate

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Vampires are very lazy.

Therefore, learn karate.

Vampires are powerless against karate.

Seriously. That’s it.

Not every one of these will be a winner, people.

Have you ever used karate against a vampire?

Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 12 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Way #12 – Any Kind of Silver

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Sure, you’re all aware that silver will defeat a vampire.

But did you know that it doesn’t have to be something made out of actual silver?

It can be something or someone that just has the word “silver” in the name.

Consider the following:

  • Pollster Nate Silver has, to the best of my knowledge, never been attacked by a vampire, most likely because his name strikes fear into the hearts of vampires.
  • Bing Crosby sang Silver Bells not to celebrate Christmas, but to ward off vampires. It worked. Bing Crosby was never bitten by a vampire (again, that I know of.)
  • The Lone Ranger always yelled, “Hi ho, Silver!” not to call his horse but to ward off vampires.  Also, because the horse was named Silver, he was never attacked by a vampire.

Change your name to silver. Wear silver clothes (have you ever seen someone dressed in a 1960s space costume get chased by a vampire?) or write a song about silver and sing it all day long and you will not become vampire chow.

How would you defeat a vampire? Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 11 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #11 -Turn Your Back on Them

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Stupid vampires.

Bleh!

This one is simple.

Vampires are easily confused.

Turn your back on a charging vampire and he will think you have disappeared.

It doesn’t matter that you are still there. He can’t see your face anymore so he’ll think you’re gone.

Stupid vampires.

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Oct 10 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #10 -Political Debates

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

I don’t know about you 3.5 readers, but when a political debate is supposed to be about substance and it devolves into which candidate is a less shitty person, it makes me want to crawl back into my coffin and sleep for a hundred years, bleh.

The next time a vampire comes at you, just play the latest presidential debate.

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Oct 09 2016
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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #9 – Powder

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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“This is either a bountiful serving of booger sugar or my cousin Fred. I can’t tell.”

Bleh!

If you never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then allow me to bring you up to speed.

When you kill a vampire, said vamp turns into dust.

Thus, whenever we see powder of any kind, be it baking soda, flour, dust from your poorly kept home because you are lazy, or hell, even a line of coke, we immediately fear it may be one of our vampire friends.

So if you see a vampire coming, just toss some powder at them.  Keep some baby powder handy.  Its good for fooling a vampire into thinking you killed his best vampire friend, plus a good dousing of that stuff on your tushy once a day keeps the rashes at bay.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with baking soda? Discuss in the comments.

 

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Oct 08 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #8 -Cats

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s true.

Vampires despise cats.

You wouldn’t think so because we both sleep all day, we’re both exceptionally cranky, and we both have fangs but no, those furry little jerk faces get hair all over our coffins and puke hairballs all over the floor.

Quickest way to get rid of a vampire?  Whip out your cat.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with a cat? Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 07 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #7 -Terrible Reboots

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh.

I just watched the new Ghostbusters reboot on demand.  Bleh, that’s money I’ll never get back.

It doesn’t really hold up.  I mean, bleh, the first time it was ok but now that I see it again and can analyze it a bit it is just all cheap jokes crowbarred in there.

Show a vampire a bad reboot and he or she will hiss and run away.  Vampires are known for their good taste.

Which bad movie reboot makes you want to hiss and run away?

Discuss in the comments, bleh.

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Oct 06 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeat a Vampire – Way #6 -Sharks

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

We vampires like to pretend that we’re indestructible but no one can defeat a shark.

Sharks can easily chomp through a vampire.

Humans and/or vampires alike should avoid sharks.

That’s about it. I’m really phoning it in today…because I’m an asshat. Don’t judge me.

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