Hello 3.5 losers. Zombie Trump here, doing Bookshelf Q. Battler one hell of a favor by making a special guest appearance on his pitiful excuse for a blog. Do you know that more people have read the ingredients on the back of those restaurant sugar packets than have read this lousy website?
I’ll tell you, BQB should be puckering up and smooching my rotten, undead derrière because getting me on this site is quite a get indeed.
OK, Battler. Get ready for the highest stats ever on this crap hole.
THIS IS GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGEEE!
So the gang is back and they’re broodier and angrier than ever.
LAST SEASON
Rick and Co. have spent the past five seasons surviving the zombie menace so at this point they’re all like “Look at us! We know how to live in the dirt and kill zombies and shit!”
Please. Who cares? What kind of a job is that going to allow you to acquire in today’s market?
Oh, by the way, I’m supposed to say SPOILERS ahead or else a bunch of you goons will whine I ruined your favorite show. Look. There’s no way to ruin this show. Zombies try to eat people. People fight back. Some of the people die occasionally. Other times they don’t. There you go.
So Rick’s crew reached Alexandria last season. Alexandria’s a settlement that has survived since the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, thanks to a local politician and her engineer husband WHO BUILT A WALL to keep out the zombies, thus allowing the survivors behind the wall to live productive, zombie free lives.
Hmmm, I wonder which other zombie candidate in the race for the office of President of All Zombies proposed building a wall? Walls work, people. Ask the Chinese. Have they been invaded by Mongolians lately? No. Thanks to the Great Wall. And Alexandria has been able to keep the zombies out thanks to their wall.
Anyway, rather than congratulate the Alexandrians on their foresight to build an anti-zombie wall, Rick and his hoodlums are all like “Waah waah waah, we fought zombies in the woods and wandered around Georgia for five years, blah blah blah, we know everything.”
Yeah clowns. Maybe you should have known to BUILD AN ANTI-ZOMBIE WALL. Stop demanding that others reward you for your own incompetence, losers.
THIS SEASON
This first episode was some kind of half black and white, half color Tarantino style nonsense where they jumped between the past and the future. I’m not going to lie. For the first half-hour, I thought my zombie television was on the fritz, but I knew that couldn’t be, because I reside at the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal, where everything is really classy.
The big problem the group faced is that there was some kind of ridiculous zombie dam that was about to break loose and send the zombies on a big charge towards Alexandria.
Zombies tend to have a herd mentality. Few are strong, independent forward thinking zombies like myself, who dare to pledge to make the Zombie Nation great again.
Rick’s big plan is to lead these zombies on a zombie parade, manipulating them down a path through sounds and (hey what do you know) WALLS designed to keep the undead from straying.
Wait a minute. So zombies are that easy to control? Just put a damn hill billy on a motorcycle and they’ll go anywhere you want them to? Doesn’t that kind of negate the last five seasons? Why doesn’t Daryl just lead all the undead off a cliff and save the world already then?
Seems like a big plot hole to this zombie. But then again, it is a show about people who fight zombies so I suppose you have to suspend disbelief a bit to enjoy it.
Just like how Bookshelf Q. Battler suspends disbelief about how sucktastic his blog is so he can bring himself to keep blogging anyway.
Enjoy your hits running off the rails, Battler. I’m off to dine on some first class brains at Chez Zombie Trump, the number one eatery in the world for zombies. It’s so extravagant it makes all other zombie eateries look like the Outback Steakhouse.
Today’s guest is Kate L. Mary, author of the Broken World series. Follow protagonist Vivian Thomas on the road in the midst of zombie mayhem as she and her DD’s convince a duo of redneck brothers to give her a ride to California so she can locate the daughter she gave up for adoption.
A stay-at-home mother and Air Force wife, Kate and her family have lived in Georgia, Mississippi, South Carolina, California and Oklahoma.
Her Amazon author page states:
“Kate prefers nerdy, non-traditional heroes who can make you laugh to hunky pieces of man-meat…”
So in other words, there’s a distinct chance I might be able to convince her to become the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s 4.5th reader.
Hello Kate. Thanks for taking my call on the space phone.
NOTE: BQB=BOLD; KATE=ITALICS
Q. Let’s talk about the role of trust in a zombie apocalypse. Sometimes a disaster can bring out the best in people. Other times, it can bring out the worst. Unfortunately, you never know who you’re dealing with until it’s too late. My group and I, having just located a survivor camp operated by a retired used car salesman/former television extra, are having trust issues. I think it’s a pretty sweet set-up. My girlfriend thinks we should run. Naturally I thought about Vivian, who makes the tough decision to trust a pair of redneck brothers on her quest to find her daughter. Can anyone ever be fully trusted in a zombie apocalypse?
A. Trusting people during normal times can be tough, but when it comes to a lawless world it’s an even bigger gamble. I know a lot of people hold the belief that humans are basically good, but I wholeheartedly disagree. People are full of bad intentions, and too often the only thing keeping them from acting on those intentions are the consequences. Take away the threat of punishment, and the world will very quickly get a lot darker.
In the case of the used car salesman/former television extra, I’d have to say I’m with your girlfriend. I know the idea of a used car salesman being sleazy and underhanded is just a stereotype, but throw the role of television extra on top of that and every warning bell in my head goes off. This person spent his free time pretending to be someone else on a regular basis. What makes you think that just because the world has ended, he’s stopped pretending?
Q. As a fan of zombie books, movies, TV shows, etc., I’ve noticed that whenever a group of people happen upon a place offering shelter and safety, it’s usually some kind of trick. Someone inevitably ends up robbed, beaten, killed, sold into slavery, chopped up into lunch meat or what have you. Maybe that’s why my better half is so jittery.
As a noted zombie author, can you settle a debate that’s long ranged in the world of zombie fandom? When survivors happen upon a settlement operated by seemingly nice people, should their response be, “Feets don’t fail me now!” or “Thank you for your hospitality. I think I will join you!”
A. In a disaster like this, the idea that there are no good people left in the world has me thinking one thing: If that’s true, why go on? If you’re a good person just trying to survive, you have to assume there are other people out there with good intentions as well. But trusting someone shouldn’t be your first inclination or you’re liable to get robbed, beaten, killed, sold into slavery, or chopped up into lunchmeat. I think it’s important to give off a “thank you for your hospitality” vibe while keeping your eyes open for anything suspicious, much like Rick and crew did when they first arrived at Terminus at the end of season four of The Walking Dead. You have to keep hope alive or you’ll find yourself turning into the very monster you’re afraid to run into, but you need to be smart about it as well.
Q1) Is that actually true or is that just something that women say before they make a beeline for the hunky man meat?
A. It’s actually true! While hunky pieces of man meat are great to look at, that was never the type of man I dated, and it definitely won’t be who I rely on when the zombie apocalypse hits. Strength will only get you so far before a horde of zombies decides they want to feast on a meal of muscles, but intelligence will keep you going. And a sense of humor will not only keep you from losing your mind, but give you something to keep going for. While I do share the common problem of most female Walking Dead viewers—a love of Daryl Dixon—I have to admit that I’m in major awe of Glenn Rhee. I wouldn’t mind teaming up with him at the end of the world!
Q2) Point of clarification: Are we talking about a full blown, genuine, bonafide Star Wars toy owning geek despite being an adult type of nerd or the Hollywood version of a nerd, which is usually just a hunky piece of man meat that someone in wardrobe whipped a pair of glasses on? (A hunk in nerd’s clothing, if you will.)
A. I’m all about the adorable kind of nerd. Star Wars toys aren’t a must, but they also aren’t unwelcome—I own a few nerdy Walking Dead toys myself. My husband is a toy collecting nerd as well. For Father’s Day the last two years I got him Simpsons Lego sets. They are currently assembled and on display above our fireplace.
Q3) What is it about a nerdy/non-traditional hero that intrigues you?
A. I think it’s the unexpected. Seeing someone who didn’t think much of himself before the apocalypse rises to the challenge and becomes an important part of a group’s survival. Anyone who looks at a “hunky” guy will assume he’s going to be able to take care of himself, but it’s the people who surprise even themselves who are the most enjoyable to root for.
Q4) Who are some of your favorite nerdy, non-traditional, non-hunky heroes?
A. Glen Rhee of course. The evolution of his character over the last five seasons has been incredible to watch. Every now and then I like to turn on an episode from season one of The Walking Dead just to compare the characters, and seeing how much he has grown since then is mind-blowing.
I was also a huge fan of Chuck when it was on. Watching Chuck fumble his way through assignments was adorable, but seeing how much he had changed by the end of the series was even more fun.
Q. The Broken World series is in Amazon’s top one hundred when it comes to post-apocalyptic and dystopian fiction. What’s your secret to bringing so many readers into your world?
A. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with timing. I wrote the first three books a few years ago, but sat on them for a bit while agents and editors took their time considering publishing Broken World. By the time I finally got around to putting the first book out myself, The Walking Dead had reached the status of TV phenomenon, and it’s popularity really helped the series take off. The fact that it’s a great series—I never get tried of rereading these books!—and so different from a lot of zombie books out there helped even more.
Q. What inspired you to take your ideas and turn them into books that zombie fanatics the world over can enjoy?
A. The Walking Dead, of course. I’ve always loved post-apocalyptic stories, especially zombie stuff, but the sudden popularity of The Walking Dead helped form a story in my head that I just couldn’t get rid of. I almost didn’t write it as a zombie novel, though. If you do any kind of research on what editors/publishers are looking for, you’ll discover the sad fact that they do not want zombie fiction. They say there’s no market for it, which is just crazy—especially now! I wrote the first chapter of Broken World as a post-apocalyptic novel similar to The Stand, but without the religious undertones. But only one chapter in and I changed my mind, deciding to take a risk and write the zombie novel I’d been thinking about for months. Broken World was the result, and I’m so glad I took that leap.
Q. Kate, thanks for stopping by, and especially for enduring my inquisition vis a vis nerds vs. hunks. Before I hang up the space phone, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I brave the zombie apocalypse?
A. Don’t lose hope! It’s the one thing that will get you killed faster than a horde of zombies. If you don’t have some kind of hope for the future, you won’t fight as hard or run as fast. You’ll find yourself wishing that you never wake up when you lay down to sleep at night. If you don’t have any hope that you will be able to find a safe place or that the horror will one day come to an end, it won’t be long before the only end you can imagine is death.
Thanks so much for having me, and I hope you and your group find a safe place to ride out the worst of the zombie apocalypse!
Today’s guest is a bonafide zombie expert, so much so that “Zombie” is his middle name. Joseph “Zombie” Zuko is the author of The Infected Series, as well as the owner of Zombie Camp 17, a zombie themed T-shirt comedy.
To round it all off, he brings his wit and wisdom to the masses with his podcast, Shotgun and Scotch. In his spare time, he studies Krav Maga and works on his fitness to remain in peak zombie fighting condition so as to be prepared to take on the undead hordes at a moment’s notice.
Joe, thanks for taking my call.
Q. I hate to admit it, but I’m out of shape. I’m trapped in a zombie infested mall and just had to drag my friend across a store. Now I’m out of breath and I’m wishing I’d hit the gym more. I noticed on your blog, you talk about Krava Maga and getting “Apocalypse Fit.” It’s too late for me, but do you have any words that could inspire my 3.5 readers to get off their butts, head to the gym, and prepare themselves should a zombie outbreak occur?
Zombie Apocalypse Training
A. “Zombieland” said it best. Cardio! Cardio! Cardio! If you can bench 350 pounds that’s cool, but how long can you run for? Can you run a mile in under ten minutes? Can you run with a backpack on and for how long before you have to sit down, rest and get eaten by a quick moving dead head? Can you do one pull up? If you’re hanging from a ledge over a zombie horde can you pull yourself up to safety?
If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then that’s got to be your motivator. Do you want to live or die? I enjoy feeling strong and healthy. I love knowing I can do twenty pull ups at a time, run a mile in under seven minutes and kick the shit out of most zombies you would come across on the street.
Start simple. Run a mile. Then do it a little faster the next time. Do as many pull ups as you can. If it’s only one then do one and then shoot for more. I also recommend signing up for mud runs, like the Spartan race. That will let you know just how fit you are and what you need to work on. I’ve done two and plan to do one next year and the goal is to get faster and faster. I like to train with a weighted vest on. It adds forty pounds to my body and shows you how long you could run with a backpack on.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I made my own personal forty pound weighted vest out of Doritos and cheesecake!
Q. How did you end up with “Zombie” as a middle name? I feel like there’s a story there. Did your parents really want you to become a zombie fighter?
A. My folks rolled their eyes when I said that I was going to put that on my books. People love to ask me about zombies all the time. In my group of friends, family and coworkers I am the zombie aficionado. I haven’t seen or read everything out there, but I know more than most and have loved them my whole adult life.
The true story about the name “Zombie” is a little silly. I was driving to work thinking about my first book and worried people wouldn’t know that it was a zombie book without the word zombie on the cover and then it hit me. Give yourself a made up nick name. “Throw the name zombie on there,” I told myself.
What a creepy, weirdo, silly thing to do, right? I had looked over a ton of other author’s book covers and no one had done anything like that as far as I could tell. So I thought it might stick out when a zombie reader is scanning the cover art of what’s out there on the market. I could also be alienating a ton of people with my crazy, made up nickname, but what are you going to do? Screw them if they can’t take a joke. Q. The Infected series begins with Jim Blackmore, an average, regular guy, who finds himself at ground zero of a zombie apocalypse and has to fight his way home to his family. Jim isn’t some totally buff bodybuilder or a superhero with special powers or anything. For readers, he’s pretty relatable isn’t he?
A. When I got started I read a handful of other authors’ works and noticed that there was a trend to focus the story around an ex-military bad ass with tons of guns and fighting experience. Well, I don’t know a ton about guns and I was never in the military so I didn’t want to talk out of my ass when I wrote Jim’s First Day.
I decided to keep it simple and did another weirdo thing and made Jim based on myself. His whole family, job and life experiences are all based on mine. I’d like to think that I’m a relatable husband and father. People have really seemed to respond to that aspect of the books. I really tried to write it from my heart. I love zombies because they scare me so badly and I wanted to share this fear of mine with as many people as I possibly can.
Q. In Book Two, the story continues from the perspective of Jim’s wife, Karen, who’s at home and has to protect her children from becoming zombie chow. That’s a unique idea, to tell a story from two different perspectives. What motivated you to do that?
A. Karen’s character is based on my wonderful loving wife and she told me that I better give Karen as good of a book as I did for Jim. At first it was only going to be a few chapters about Karen and the children having to deal with the start of a zombie apocalypse. Then the story would kick back up again with Jim and his crew. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of watching this nightmare unfold through her eyes. She doesn’t have fighting skills or military training and she has to take care of two small children. That’s a terrifying idea and I tried to imagine what would my wife do. It was a very fun book to write and so far the feedback has been amazing. I actually think that the second book is a better story with better characters than the first one. I had worked out what my style was and just let it rip.
Q. Surely you realize Mrs. Zombie Zuko is a saint. I’m doing a mental inventory of all my ex-girlfriends (it’s not that long a list) and I’m pretty sure all of them would have commanded me to “drop the zombie crap” by now.
A. She is a saint and an angel. I met Mrs. Zombie Zuko when I was eighteen. She has been there from the very beginning. We fell in love and bonded over the movie Scream. We were just out of high school when Scream came out on video and we were both obsessed with it. So our relationship started out with us loving horror. We love zombie movies, TV shows and video games and are both looking forward this season of The Walking Dead.
Writing the books was really her idea. We found out about self publishing on Amazon and she told me she thought I could do it, even though I had never written anything with the kind of length a novel would require. She believed in me and cheered me on like I was her local sports team.
I still bounce all of my ideas off of her before I get them down in the computer. She is my zombie muse and it would have been impossible to finish the first book without her pushing me to get it done.
I am very lucky and blessed man to have her in my life. There would be no Joseph “Zombie” Zuko without Katie Zuko.
Q. You go above and beyond when it comes to entertaining your fans. Your site has a photo of you posing with a nasty looking zombie killing weapon and you’ve put out fun videos promoting your books. Do your readers get a kick out of it?
ZUKO’S DAUGHTER: I see a zombie!
ZUKO: No, that’s just a picture of dad in the morning.
A. I think they get that I’m only trying to entertain them and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I enjoy making the videos and want to get across what kind of guy I am. We are here to have fun, right? I would love to make more videos and get to interact with the fans more, but I’m neck deep in the third installment of The Infected: Nightfall. It comes out on Amazon October, 11th 2015. Same night as The Walking Dead premiere of season six.
That saw I’m holding was built for me by my cousin and it is a brutal as it looks. It’s on the cover art for Book 3.
Q. In your first book, you provide a note that your zombie obsession began as a teenager when you first played Resident Evil 2. Admittedly, I lost a lot of my youth to that franchise as well. What is it about that game that inspired a generation of zombie enthusiasts?
A. I had never seen anything like it before. It blew my freaking mind. It was like playing with an interactive movie. The sound design. The graphics. The great zombie scares. Every aspect of it had me hooked. I had never played a game that told that level of story before. You’re a cop that just got to town and you’re trying to figure out what the hell is going on and oh yeah try and survive the night from hell. It was amazing and thrilling. I was the perfect age for it and the movies that followed. I have since become addicted to Left for Dead One and Two and most recently the State of Decay game on Xbox. Plus Sony’s Last of Us was not a typical zombie story but has the same level of WOW that Resident Evil 2 had.
Q. You’re trained in Krav Maga. If one of these zombie jerkfaces makes a move on me, what’s the best move you recommend to take him down?
A. Krav Maga teaches you how to escape a human’s grip, so it focuses a lot on groin strikes and hits to the nose. These moves will have no effect on the dead jerkface so if you are unarmed and zack is coming right for you…kick at its knee. Cripple its zombie ass. One well placed knee strike could send the creep to its belly and then you stomp its brains in or better yet RUN! I always recommend for you to run first and fight second. You don’t want to end up in a zombie’s digestive track.
Q. Joe, thanks for being my Day 8 Zombie Apocalypse advisor. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Outbreak?
A. That’s a great question. Read as many zombie books as you possible can. Especially mine. That’s rule number one. They are excellent field guides in how shit can go wrong fast. Each one will give you advice on how to survive and show you the pitfalls that can happen in a zombie outbreak.
Keep your head and keep moving. You stay in a building for too long and you might find yourself surrounded by blood thirsty, meat hungry biters. Learn a martial art. Something that focuses on escaping holds. Run Spartan style races to see how well you can get over an eight-foot wall. Carry knives on you at all time. I always have my Swiss Army knife in one pocket and Gerber lock-blade in the other. You might need to make something, fix something or kill something at a moment’s notice. You don’t want to be armed with a butter knife.
I also recommend keeping a handful of weapons and tools in the trunk of your car. A crowbar, axe, hammer, a few machetes and if you can swing it, a crossbow with a grip of spare bolts to fire. It would cost less then two hundred dollars and increase your chances of survival a hundred fold.
Thank you for the call, Bookshelf Q. Battler. This was awesome and I appreciate being selected for this month of horror. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It gets cold and creepy out and Halloween is the absolute best holiday in my opinion.
Would you agree that it’s an amazing time in the history of zombie entertainment? Books, movies, TV shows and video games all seem to be peaking and it’s only going to get better. Zombies are a simple concept, guy comes back from the dead, feeds on his neighbor and so on and so on, but in that simplicity lies the brilliance of it all.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It’s a real, zombie renaissance, ZZ. Thanks for stopping by.
3.5 readers, don’t forget, Zombie Zuko’s third book comes out this Sunday!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and ghouls, please remain calm!
Yes, East Randomtown has been devastated by a zombie apocalypse, but you know our motto, “the show must go on!”
So pick your hands up off the floor and clap them together for Schecky Biggsfield….wait. What? He’s a zombie now? Oh great. OK put whatever body parts you have left together for SCHECKY BLARGFELD, ZOMBIE COMEDIAN!
SCHECKY:
Oh stop! Please, you’re too kind. Cut it out! No really, you in the front row, cut out that patch of gangrenous skin out before you keel over and become a zombie like yours truly.
Actually, being a zombie isn’t that bad. Half the women run from me in terror. The other half just give up and let me bite them. Come to think of it, Saturday nights aren’t much different for me as a zombie than they were when I was a human.
Take my wife…PLEASE!! Ha ha but really, she’s turning into a hideous beast (more so than when she was alive even)…someone take her outta here before she eats my entire audience, all 3.5 of them! Hey-yo!
So I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that this whole town has been overrun by dirty, smelly zombies. The good news is that the zombies will never attack Washington, D.C. We tried that once, but we couldn’t find anyone with a brain, so we all starved! Whoa!
I just want to say it’s great being here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog. 3.5 readers? I’ve seen dishwasher user’s manuals get more reads than this joint!
You know, time was when a zombie could walk up on a gal and have himself a nice lunch but now thanks to the whole “Walking Dead” zombie pop culture craze, everyone and their Uncle Bob is fully prepared for a zombie attack. Now if you’re a zombie and you try to eat someone, your intended victim is likely to reach into a bag and pull out everything from a ninja sword to a cuisinart.
Want to learn how to pack the perfect bugout bag? The Until the End of the World series author will teach you how. “Until the end of the world?” I can’t wait until the end of my set! Not that I’m trying to disparage the good name of the East Randomtown Chuckle Barn, but I’ve been in bomb shelters with more ambiance. Yowza!
What’s this? Someone just handed me a note. Yeesh, the hand’s still attached.
“Do not go running around packing a bug out bag full of dangerous accouterments like some kind of dummy. The Bookshelf Battle Blog is not responsible if you hurt yourself or someone else with your bug out bag. This is fiction and we’re just joking around here. Sincerely, Attorney Donnelly, BQB’s Lead Counsel.”
Not all zombies are bad. In fact, most zombies just want your brains because they lost theirs and that’s why they’re so dumb now. I always attach one of those little keychains that beep when you clap your hands to my brain. Otherwise, I’d lose it all the time. Bob the Zombie is an ok guy in my book, though he shares Bookshelf Q. Battler’s love of Taco Bell, which is a surefire way to start an apocalypse…in your toilet!
“The End of the World is Not Glamorous.” It sure isn’t. I just had to staple my pinky finger back on. Can’t wait to find out which body part is going to fall off next. My body parts are dropping faster than network television’s ratings. Nope, nothing glamorous about the zombie apocalypse at all.
Be sure to check out The Breadwinner Trilogy.By the way, I hear Stevie’s beverage of choice is Zombie Killer beer. Personally, I prefer a White Russian. In fact…excuse me…I’ve got a little bit of Ivan still stuck in my teeth. Zing!
WHO’S NEXT?
TODAY – ANN CHRISTY will be taking BQB’s space phone call. She’ll give us the 411 on her Between Life and Death series, which is about an angry female that likes to smash the undead with a hammer. Kind of reminds me of my wife. Also, I hear there will be some talk of were gophers. Miserable little jerk faces. You really need to keep an eye on them. Here, take one of mine. It pops right out.
Perrin is going to tell BQB about his creepy tales, including Z-Minus, a series about a father who races against time to save his daughter. Perrin’s also the author of SwissFamilyRobinZOM, a classic book that was turned into a Disney movie. I wonder if we can get Perrin to zombify all the Disney films. Zombie Aladdin. Zombie Lion King. Zombie Frozen. “Let it go, let it go, please let your brains go!” Ha, I’m hilarious!
Mr. Lee will dip into his Journal of the Undead to see what tricks he can offer BQB to keep him out of trouble. Also, S.G. is a diehard Phillies fanatic (as in a fan, not the mascot pronounced “Phanatic”) whereas BQB is a loyal supporter of the East Randomtown Mascots, so things are bound to get heated when the conversation turns to sports. Steeee-rike!
Speaking of sports, when it comes to the ladies, BQB has absolutely no game whatsoever. LeBron James he is not. Don’t worry, the NOLA Zombie author will give our nerdy amigo some lessons on how to be an alpha male, just like the macho men in her books. I’ll give Gillian an A for effort but I wouldn’t expect any miracles here. BQB isn’t an alpha male, or a beta male…he’s pretty much a zeta male, and that’s being generous.
Joseph “Zombie” Zuko – he’s like Van Helsing, but for zombies.
Oh my God. NOT ZOMBIE ZUKO! ZOMBIES, RUN FOR YOUR UNDEAD LIVES!!!
Seriously, I’m gonna get while the getting is good when this world class zombie fighter comes around. A renowned zombiologist, Zombie Zuko is going to turn BQB into a world class zombie fighting champ.
Look, Zombie Zuko, it’s cool. I’m just a harmless zombie comedian. I don’t want any trouble.
The HVZ: Humans vs. Zombies screenwriter will talk about his Zombie Attack! series as well as how he brought the City of Angeles to life (so to speak) in LA Undead.
OK. Now I can’t decide who I’m scared of more. Zombie Zuko or Armand Rosamillia. Crap, if they were to ever team up, you’d probably never see a zombie ever again. Worldwide zombie extinction. Armand will give BQB the scoop on his Dying Days series and I’ll steer clear of this guy lest my days be numbered.
Want more information on these fabulous zombie scribes? CLICK HERE
Check out their books. Tell your friends about them on social media. Honestly, stop popping photos of your lunch on Facebook. Put up a link to a zombie author instead. Much more interesting than your chicken salad sandwich. You don’t see zombies posting pictures of brains before we eat them do you? No. We’re too classy.
And while you’re at it, if you like their books (and I’m sure you will because BQB is known for spotting talent at 50 paces), leave them a review on whatever site you bought them from! There’s nothing you can do to thank these zombie authors for helping to save BQB’s useless carcass more than leaving them an awesome review to make them feel appreciated for all the hard work they do in bringing zombie stories straight to your e-reader.
OK 3.5 readers, I see I’m about to get the hook. That’s not a pun either. There’s a survivalist chasing me with a hook. I’d say you’ve been a great audience but I’ve seen livelier statues in a museum.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: It has come to my attention that Dr. Hugo Von Science recently attended one of Presidential Candidate Donald Trump’s campaign events, stole a cup the billionaire drank out of, and successfully spliced The Donald’s DNA with that of a zombie held in captivity.
The result? ZOMBIE TRUMP. I thought about reporting this to the authorities but decided it would be fun to just let him review The Walking Dead when the new season begins.
Here, Zombie Trump will catch you up on where the series left off at the end of last season.
Hello 3.5 losers.
First of all, I want to say that being on this goofball website is completely beneath me. Bookshelf Q. Battler, that nerdy dope, should get down on his hands and knees and thank me for giving his pathetic excuse for a website the highest ratings boost it will ever see.
Zombie Trump
3.5 readers? I’ll have this joint swinging with 3.5 million readers when I’m done with it. And will that clown appreciate it? I doubt it. I’d ask for a little nibble on BQB’s brain as compensation but I doubt he has one.
So let’s talk about those survivors from last season. Apparently, I’m obligated to warn you that there are SPOILERS ahead, because for some reason, people get really whiney when their shows are spoiled.
I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with lame zombie shows anyway when you should be checking out the luxurious Zombie Trump Taj Mahal. Try your luck at the craps table, then get eaten and turned into literal zombie crap. Oh and the buffet is all you can eat for $9.99 so really, there’s not a better deal around.
Where’d we leave off?
RICK GRIMES
Look, I know a lot of ladies think he’s hot and handsome but I’m telling you, this guy is a total loser. If you ask me, I’d rather have a Sheriff that can actually bring the bad guys in, not crash his car while in pursuit and end up in a coma during the zombie outbreak when he’s needed the most.
Seriously, how am I supposed to trust this guy to lead when he couldn’t even keep his best friend Shane from slipping his wife the old one eyed salamander?
Last time we saw Rick, he was abusing his authority as a newly appointed Sheriff in the settlement at Alexandria. Beat a guy up because he wanted to get hot and heavy with his wife. Making plans to take the community over if things don’t go his way. Classy? I don’t think so.
Sorry Rick. I wouldn’t hire you to guard the Zombie Trump Golf Course. Eighteen links of pure zombie fun.
CAROL
Yeesh! Look at that face! Is that the face of a woman that you want to see in your zombie apocalypse survivor’s group? I don’t think so.
Oh what? What? I was just talking about her record. She’s actually a beautiful woman.
Although if we’re getting into it, a little bit of blonde hair dye wouldn’t hurt her. Make her up to look like my first wife, Zombie Ivana, or my second wife, Zombie Marla Maples.
But let’s talk about this gal’s record. Killing a kid? Threatening to kill another kid?
Sure she’s able to lull her enemies into a false sense of security by fooling them into thinking she’s just a dowdy old homemaker only to strike when they least expect it, but you know what I’d tell her if she worked at the Zombie Trump Casino Day Care Center?
YOU’RE FIRED.
DARYL
Who is this loser running around on a motorcycle with a crossbow like he’s some kind of hillbilly heart throb? Look Jethro, a shave and a haircut never hurt anyone. I’ll give you the number of my personal stylist. She’s does great work. Just look at me.
GLENN
Glenn, we gave you one simple task. Keep that Noah kid alive. You failed. I know you tried your best but best doesn’t cut it. Sorry, I know this is harsh, but as punishment, I’ve banned you from all Zombie Trump resorts and associated properties.
THE GOVERNOR
Not gonna lie. This man had a lot of moxie. I was sorry to see him go. He was a real take charge kind of guy. Even with one eye he was able to see two or three moves ahead. Best character on the entire show.
He built a wall around his town and if you ask me, building a wall is an idea my fellow zombies and I should try.
My fellow zombies, for far too long we’ve suffered at the hands of these lousy human survivors. We build up our zombie communities and in they come, putting arrows in our brains, taking our zombie jobs. They’re rapists, murderers, and SOME of them, I assume, are good people, but we just can’t allow the influx of doomsday preppers, hillbillies, and other assorted human survivors to invade our territory any longer.
So I propose that we build an enormous wall to keep the zompoc survivors out.
Elect me as President of All Zombies and I assure you on my first day in office, not only will I build a giant wall around all zombies, but I’ll make those loser humans pay for it.
BQB, you’re welcome. You didn’t even deserve an appearance from me on your stupid blog but you got one anyway.
3.5 readers, I don’t know why you’re wasting your time on this nonsense, but let me remind you, I’m going to be reviewing the next season of The Walking Dead right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog and I will tell you this:
IT’S GOING TO BE HUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE!
I’d eat all 3.5 of your brains but I’d probably go hungry. Mic drop. Zombie Trump out.
Bookshelf Battle 