writing | Bookshelf Battle

Apr 06 2017

Zom Fu

Zom Fu – Chapter 58

tabletdemo
General Tsang’s knees were old and weak. The pain was getting to him as he ran through the streets of the Forbidden City, slip sliding through rain soaked cobble stone paths.

“We’ll reach the escape passage soon, Your Majesty,” the general said to his wee charge. The Emperor’s little arms were wrapped so tightly around the general’s neck that the old man struggled for air.

The general came to a crossroads. None of the options looked promising. Zombified warriors approached from the side streets to the left and the right, as well as from the road straight ahead.

“We’ll have to double back,” the general said as he turned around only to find Rage Dog standing in front of him, his hair slick and wet. A flash of lightning illuminated the night sky. A thunderclap followed.

“Come back for more, have you?” General Tsang asked.

Rage Dog laughed. He drew closer, as did the zombified warriors. Evil closed in from all sides as the general produced his dagger.

“Don’t worry,” General Tsang said. “You’ll get it.”

Tagged horror, horror writers, martial arts, writing, zombies

Apr 04 2017

6 Comments

Daily Discussion with BQB

Daily Discussion with BQB – Where Will Self Publishing Be in Five Years?

What advances will happen? Will it still be thriving? Will new sites and forms of technology arise to make the work of a self publisher easier? Will things get harder? Will the traditional publishing industry, much like the Empire, find a way to strike back?

More importantly, will I ever have more than 3.5 readers?

Discuss, 3.5 readers.

Tagged books, publishing, self publishing, writers, writing

Apr 02 2017

1 Comment

Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Chapter 7

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Walt sat between the open doors in the back of the news van, his legs dangling over the bumper as a he held an ice pack on his crotch. As he struggled to cope with the pain, he overheard Natalie on the phone, speaking to his union representative.

“Eighty-three forms?” Natalie asked. “But…but…uh…I understand but listen…no..listen to me. I’m going to try to explain this as clearly as possible. I require the services of a cameraman and this imbecile has no idea how to operate a video camera…uh huh…right but…how many hearings? Oh…fine…fine. You win.”

Natalie swiped the hang up button on her phone and patted Walt on the shoulder. “I’m sorry I kicked you, Walt. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never lost control before.”
“I understand,” Walt said as he adjusted the ice pack. “You did warn me.”

“I hope you’ll still be able to father children,” Natalie said.

“Eh,” Walt said. “Who’d want a kid that looks like me anyway?”

Natalie leaned up against the van. “Walk me through this, will you?”

“I’ll try,” Walt said.

“You’re a fully trained camera man,” Natalie said.

“I am,” Walt replied.

“You’ve recorded footage in Iraq, Afghanistan, war zones all over the world as well as at home,” Natalie said.

“Yes,” Walt said.

“For twenty years,” Natalie said. “Long, long before they stuck me with you.”

“Right,” Walt said.

“But now, all of a sudden…what?” Natalie asked. “You can’t work a camera anymore?”

“I can,” Walt said.

Natalie slapped her forehead. “Then why won’t you?”

Walt coughed into his fist. “I’m tired.”

Natalie shook her head. “Excuse me?”

“I’m exhausted,” Walt said. “I’m getting old. I’m worn out. I’ve been to every hellhole in the world, holding the camera as one hot ass blonde chick with big titties after another berates me. When they assigned me to you, I thought it would be a cushy gig, that they wouldn’t give you much work to do on account of the fact that…”

“I’m not a hot ass blonde chick with big titties?” Natalie asked.

“Correct,” Walt said. “I thought like maybe they’d let you cover the county fair or something once in a blue moon you know, just to keep the feminists happy so they can be all like, ‘Hey, we’re not always just about the hot ass blonde chicks with big titties! We let brunettes with small titties on air too!’ But then you turned out to be a go getter.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie inquired.

“You work hard, kid,” Walt said. “You’ve got Moxie. One day you’re covering a gang shootout. The next you’re chasing down corrupt politicians. And the whole time you expect me to keep up with you. I can’t do it.”

“Maybe we can get you transferred to a less ambitious reporter,” Natalie said.

“Nah,” Walt replied. “There isn’t one. Everyone in the news game thinks they’re the next big sensation. All reporters, even the ones who aren’t hot and don’t have blonde hair or big titties are hoping to make it big. I realize that now. If I transfer to another reporter, she’ll just make me run around behind too.”

“But that’s your job!” Natalie said.

“I know,” Walt replied. “But I don’t want it to be anymore. I want to be forced into early retirement so…”

Natalie stepped back. “You fail on purpose?”

Walt nodded. “Yes.”

“But why?” Natalie asked.

“Because I want to be forced into early retirement,” Walt said. “A hot ass blonde chick reporter gets put out to pasture by thirty and gets to write books about her time as a hot ass blonde chick reporter for the rest of her life. Me? They’ll work me until the morning of my funeral. I thought if I screwed up enough on purpose I’d get an HR rep demanding that I take an early retirement package but I’m union so…”

“It’s impossible for you to be let go,” Natalie said. “Your union rep told me I’d have to file eighty-three separate forms just in order to convene a hearing to discuss the issue.”

“Yeah,” Walt said. “Gotta love the bureaucracy. All that red tape protects the competent.”

Natalie took a seat next to her cameraman. “You cost me my footage. I had the inside scoop on a celebrity murder and you blew it for me.”

Walt looked down at his shoes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Look Walt,” Natalie said. “I can see you’ve been through a lot in your life, but I need you to pull it together.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Walt said. “The more screw-ups I rack up, the more likely it is I’ll get a retirement package. It’ll take at least ten thousand screw-ups before that happens, so I need to start getting a documented history of failure now.”

Natalie stood up and slapped Walt across the face.

“Ow!” Walt shouted. He dropped his ice bag, then immediately felt pain surge through his groin, which he quickly grabbed. “Ow!”

“Now, you listen to me,” Natalie said. “We are covering the biggest story of the year, here. Maybe of the decade, nay, the century! War? Schmore. Famine? Schmamine. Sure, everyone pretends to care when a bunch of kids in some far off country don’t have enough fresh water to drink but what really causes people to pay attention is the death of a celebrity! And we don’t just have a celebrity death on our hands. We have a murder! We were the first ones on the scene and if we keep working this story, there’s no telling how far we could go.”

“You mean, how far you could go,” Walt said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie asked.

“Everyone always remembers the reporter who broke a big story,” Walt said. “No one ever remembers the cameraman.”

“That’s not true,” Natalie said.

“Really?” Walt asked. “Name a famous cameraman.”

Natalie tapped a finger against her cheek as she thought about the question. “There was that guy…umm…and the…you’re right. I’ve got nothing.”

“No, you don’t,” Walt said. “And thus, there’s no incentive for me to try to help you. There is, however, plenty of incentive for me to keep screwing up because when my ten thousandth screw-up is logged, there will be a hearing to discuss sending me on my merry way and maybe, just maybe, that’ll end up with me with a nice pension check and a delicious fruity drink with an umbrella in it in my hand as I sunbathe on a beach in the Caribbean.”

Natalie closed her eyes, counted to ten, then opened them. “I can’t believe I’m offering this but…”

“I’m listening,” Walt said.

“I can’t get you on camera,” Natalie said.

“I don’t want to be on camera,” Walt replied. “I’m too old. Too fat. That’s a young person’s game.”

“I can promise you that if I ever write a book about this, I’ll give you a co-author credit,” Natalie said.

Walt looked up. “Huh. Now you’re talking. Wait…do I have to write anything?”

“Nope,” Natalie replied. “I’ll write it all and we’ll split the profits sixty-forty.”

“Fifty-fifty,” Walt said.

“Do you want another kick to the balls?” Natalie asked.

“Not especially,” Walt said. “Fine. Sixty-forty it is. But I want to be interviewed by a hot ass blonde chick with big titties.”

“I thought you just said you don’t want to be on camera,” Natalie said.

“I don’t,” Walt replied. “But I’ve always wanted to stare at one of the hot ass blonde chick reporter’s big titties. I’ve never had a chance to really enjoy looking at them because I’m always working on the camera.”

Natalie sighed. “Well, if I ever get that kind of pull, I will arrange for you to be interviewed by the hottest blonde chick with the biggest titties I can find. Deal?”

“Deal,” Walt said.

“Will you do your job now?” Natalie asked.

“Yes,” Walt said as he hopped out of the van. He examined his camera. “This piece of junk will never do, though. I’m going to have to get my hands on an XYS Panastatic Pro, preferably with a Nantuzasaki refracting lens and an infrared flare.”

“I knew there was a cameraman in you somewhere, Walt,” Natalie said. “Especially because you look like you’ve eaten three of them.”

Walt headed to the driver’s side of the van. “Let’s roll, woman. There’s a celebrity murderer on the loose.”

“Thank God your head is finally in the game,” Natalie said. She was about to jump into the passenger’s seat when her phone buzzed. She looked at the screen. The name she saw made her heart jump: “Manley, Kurt.”

Tagged funny, self publishing, Toilet Gator, writers, writing

Apr 02 2017

1 Comment

Toilet Gator

Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #2

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Network News One Transcript #2

KURT MANLEY, NN1 ANCHOR: …witnesses on the scene reported that a grand total of forty-nine orphans died in the fiery plane crash. It would have been a cool fifty had the fiftieth orphan not had the foresight to feast on the charred remains of his tiny companions, thus giving his body the much needed nutrition it required in order to stave off hunger until the rescue team arrived. We here at Network News One wish little Timmy a speedy recovery and may God one day grant this tyke the mental strength necessary to push the unspeakable acts of cannibalism he committed in order to save his own oily hide aside so that he will be able to live a productive and prosperous life. In other news, a civil war has broken out in the third world nation of “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan.” Reporting live from the war zone is our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?

(Cut to a bombed out, depleted battlefield. A beautiful, blue eyed, buxom blonde woman stands in the middle of the wasteland, wearing a helmet and holding a microphone. Her flak jacket is zipped low so as to reveal copious cleavage).

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thank you, Kurt. I’m coming to you from “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan,” risking my life to bring you the latest updates from the front.

(Bullets whiz inches over the reporter’s helmet. Off in the distance, a missile hits a building, causing it to explode).

KURT MANLEY: God bless, Hot Ass Chick with Big Titties. How did this war break out?

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, Kurt, tensions have long been on the rise between the country’s two rival factions, the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” and the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians.” The UN has attempted for several years to broker a peace deal between the leaders of these opposing movements, but alas, both sides have different viewpoints on how the country should be run.

KURT MANLEY: Please explain, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it basically boils down to the fact that the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” believe that everyone should do what they say or take a machete to their taints, whereas the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians” maintain that people should obey them, lest they get a rocket propelled grenade up the butt.

(A tank rolls across the horizon, far behind the reporter.)

KURT MANLEY: Fascinating. We’ll be checking back with you throughout the day for further developments, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Stay safe, and protect your titties.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thanks Kurt. I will.

KURT MANLEY: In other news, a tractor trailer truck full of adorable baby kittens has rolled over on the freeway just outside of Milwaukee…

(Cut to footage of an overturned tractor trailer truck on the highway with thousands of kittens pouring out of the back of the trailer. Police and firemen chase the kittens, scooping them up in their arms).

KURT MANLEY: Here to report on this situation is Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Yet another beautiful blonde, blue eyed woman appears on screen. She wears business attire that shows copious cleavage. She holds a fluffy, wide-eyed kitten in her arm and her microphone in her free hand).

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I’m here, Kurt. There’s pussy, pussy everywhere as Route 55 has been flooded with fancy felines. Although the toxicology reports have not yet come back from the state lab, authorities believe the accident was the result of the driver attempting to inject a liquefied form of black market horse erection medication directly into his veins while trying to merge onto an offramp at the same time. Horse erection medication is a controlled substance and of course, using it while driving is a criminal offense.

KURT MANLEY: It sure is, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Of course, I only know that for news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes.

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Now, the authorities are doing everything they can to round up these rambunctious little rascals but they say it’s like, well, trying to herd cats. In fact, the state highway patrol’s office has stated that anyone who wants a free pet is welcome to come on down and grab a pussy. Grab as many pussies as you want, two or three at a time if you want. All of these pussies are up for grabs.

KURT MANLEY: Isn’t that something? Thank you, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Keep us update on this very important story and let us know when all of those pussies have been grabbed.

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I sure will, Kurt.

(Cut to Kurt, back in the studio.)

KURT MANLEY: In sports, the quarterback of the East Randomtown Mascots shot his balls off last night when the firearm he had illegally concealed in his sweatpants went off accidentally. Word has it that the Mascots might fine the quarterback ten thousand dollars, a palpable hit to his multi-million dollar salary. We go now to…oh wait…hold on, folks…

(Kurt presses his finger against his earpiece and nods).

KURT MANLEY: That story about the ball shooter will have to wait. Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news. Drop whatever you are doing, send the kids out of the room and sit down. Maybe pour yourself a brandy to take the edge of. Say a prayer to your preferred deity, then do some yoga. Maybe engage in some meditation and self-reflection. Do whatever you need to do to prepare for this shocking news: a celebrity has died. I repeat, “a celebrity has died.” Someone who entertained you is no longer alive and although you never met this person or had any idea what this person was like off camera, you should feel like a pile of rotten garbage right now. You should weep uncontrollably, take the next week off of work to mourn, and above all us, write ten thousand posts on Lifebox about your favorite memories of this artist.

(Kurt shuffles some papers. He appears choked up.)
KURT MANLEY: Now America, we here at Network News One pride ourselves on having the hottest blonde reporters with the biggest titties, but as you know, the news happens when it happens. It doesn’t check with our schedule first. We’re doing our best to get a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties to work this story but for now, our affiliate reporter, Natalie Brock, will have to do. Everyone, please try to ignore Natalie’s frumpy school marm hairdo and those mosquito bites she tries to pass off as knockers. Natalie’s obviously one of those people who got into the news business because someone, somewhere told her she was smart or something and it never dawned on her that she just doesn’t quite have the look. Even so, she’s very brave for appearing on TV with her looks and is a real trooper in my book. Natalie, what’s going on?

(Cut to Natalie Brock, standing outside the Sunnyside Arena. Police cars and ambulances with flashing lights are stationed behind her).

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, sad news in the music industry tonight as Sally Ann Dubawitz, better known to the world as pop star sensation Countess Cucamonga, has been murdered at the age of twenty-eight.

KURT MANLEY: Sweet Jesus!

NATALIE BROCK: I know. It’s a shock that someone so universally adored would be cut down in her prime.

KURT MANLEY: Well, that, but I had no idea her name was “Sally Ann Dubawitz.” You mean she wasn’t really a Countess?

NATALIE BROCK: Not at all, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: You learn something new everyday. Now I understand you have some footage of the crime scene?

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed I do, Kurt and I must stress that it was a very bloody, gruesome scene, so viewer discretion is advised.

KURT MANLEY: Did you hear that, folks? If you’ve got a gut full of stew, you might want to take five. Your fault if you end up blowing chunks all over your carpet. Don’t send NN1 the cleaning bill.

(Cut to footage of the inside of Natalie’s dressing room.)
IRVING, COUNTESS CUCAMONGA’S MANAGER: Jesus H. Fuck!

(The camera captures Natalie standing inside the doorway to the bathroom, but no carnage is visible yet).

NATALIE: Walt, are you rolling?

(The camera turns and captures Walt’s chubby face, zits and all.)

NATALIE: Walt!

WALT: Huh?

NATALIE: Are you rolling?

WALT: Oh, yeah, sure am.

(The footage goes on for a full minute with Walt staring at the lens, occasionally sticking out his tongue and licking his lips.)

WALT: Is my tongue supposed to be so white? I should get that looked at…

(Cut to Natalie at the arena).

NATALIE BROCK: Obviously, we had some technical difficulties there.

KURT MANLEY: Obviously. Now Natalie, what have some of the music industry’s most esteemed representatives had to say?

NATLIE BROCK: Kurt, there has been a massive outpouring of sympathy for the Countess and her friends and family. In fact, rapper Lady Steez posted moments ago, “Countess Cucamonga was a pioneer in the world of ass related music. If she hadn’t had the courage to sing about her fat ass, I never would have had the courage to rap about my fat ass.”

(Kurt wipes away a tear, then pats his heart).

KURT MANLEY: I’m sorry. That just got me, right here. Very touching.

NATALIE BROCK: Meanwhile, rapper Stank Daddy has already recorded a tribute song, filled with lyrics about the Countess’ ample posterior, set to the rhythm of a popular 1970s track.

KURT MANLEY: Wow, that was fast.

NATALIE BROCK: Yes, and by rapping over a popular old song, this allows Stank Daddy to appear fresh and new, as though he invented the song himself.

KURT MANLEY: Brilliant. Thank you Natalie, our Miami affiliate reporter who must shop at the world’s tiniest brassiere store. Come to think of it, do those things even need support? Seems like a waste of fabric if you ask me. We’ll be staying on the story of Countess Cucamonga’s untimely demise, but first, let’s cry our eyes out during a commercial break, shall we? Sports and weather in the next hour and oh, don’t forget that there’s a brand of toilet paper that could give you the Ebola virus. Don’t wipe until we tell you which one it is.

(Cut to a banner that reads, “Network News One”)

ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The biggest titties. Oh yeah, and sometimes we even report the news and shit.

Tagged news, Toilet Gator, writing

Apr 02 2017

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Toilet Gator

Seven Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays

It came from the toilet…

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Tagged florida, funny, gators, Toilet Gator, toilets, writers, writing

Mar 28 2017

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Tomfoolery

Does this blog suck?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here, channeling my inner Vinny Baggadouchio and asking if my blog sucks. Does it suck?

If it does suck, what are some ways in which I can make it not suck?

If it does not suck, why do you think it does not suck?

Personally, I feel it needs more organization because my posts get buried in the blogroll whereas there might be some gems from the past that people might like to check out.

Also, in retrospect, I’m not sure that “Bookshelf Q. Battler” was the catchiest of pen names to choose, but after investing three years into it, I’m not sure it is wise to start over from scratch with something else.

Also, this blog is supposed to be, in part, a chronicle of my BQB adventures yet I feel like I never have the time to tell you all about the amazing nerd adventures I have been on. Would you read them if I did? People don’t seem to read stories on blogs, I have been noticing. So in that regard, perhaps this idea for a blog was dumb but again after three years, I feel like I just can’t cut bait and run. Who knows if another blog idea would do any better?

Thoughts? Thank you 3.5. Also, why haven’t you 3.5 readers become 3,500.5 readers yet? What are you waiting for? What can I do to make this happen?

Tagged blogging, blogs, nerds, writers, writing

Mar 26 2017

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BQB on Wattpad

Zom Fu = #677 in Wattpad Horror

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal BQB here.

Check it out. Zom Fu is #677 in Wattpad Horror:

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If you’re a Wattpadder, maybe consider giving it a vote, or a comment, or some feedback on how I can make it better. I mean, it’s a tale that involves kung fu AND zombies, so it is already pretty awesome, but if you have suggestions I am all ears.

Thank you 3.5.

Tagged horror, kung fu, martial arts, self publishing, Wattpad, writers, writing, zombies, zomfu

Mar 26 2017

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Toilet Gator

Six Weeks of Toilet Gator Sundays!

Truly, the longest meaningful commitment I’ve ever made…

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Tagged funny, horror, humor, self publishing, Toilet Gator, writers, writing

Mar 26 2017

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Random Things to Blog About

Random Things to Blog About #101-125

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#101 – Key lime pie. Do you always check to make sure the limes used to make it were from the actual Florida Keys before you eat it?

#102 – Favorite card game

#103 – Most embarrassing moment

#104 – Pugs – adorable or ugly?

#105 – Why isn’t ninja an occupation that you can go to college for?

#106 – Shakespeare: overrated or underrated?

#107 – Write a haiku

#108 – Favorite flower

#109 – When it rains, is it God crying or peeing?

#110 – Are the people on television just tiny people that were squeezed into your TV set?

#111 – Your creepiest deja vu experience

#112 – Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

#113 – Name one way you would change the world if you could.

#114 – Is money the most important thing in life or is it the root of all evil?

#115 – What’s your favorite smell?

#116 – What’s your least favorite smell?

#117 – If you were standing in a room where your most and least favorite smells were combined, would you be sad, happy, or conflicted? (For example, someone puts a warm apple pie and a rotten fish in the same room with you.)

#118 – When was the last time you played with a frisbee? Why don’t you play frisbee more?

#119 – What’s the most expired food item you have in your kitchen at this very moment? Take a photo, post it, and write about it. Once I found a bottle of vinegar from a food store that had been closed in my area for twenty years. It was hard to tell whether or not it had gone bad because it was vinegar (it always smells bad) but I threw it out to be safe. I’m not sure why I had vinegar in the first place. Who the hell uses vinegar anyway?

#120 – If you formed a band, what would it be called?

#121 – Your best memory

#122 – Michael Jackson: Musical genius, incredibly odd weirdo, or both?

#123 – Favorite travel destination

#124 – Isn’t it weird that planes can fly? I mean, yeah, there are scientists that can explain how planes fly but still, it is hard to wrap your head around it when you really think about it.

#125 – Ketchup – should it go on everything or just some things? What are those things? Perhaps you are one of those people who believe it should go on nothing? What are you, a Communist?

Tagged blogging, self publishing, things to blog about, writers, writing

Mar 26 2017

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Writing

101 Random Things to Blog About

Hey 3.5 readers. I heard a rumor that you are also 3.5 writers.

Thus, pulled out of my butt completely at random, here are 101 things that you could write about on your 3.5 blogs:

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#1 – Cats. Always adorable. Meow meow.

#2 – Bunnies. You know if they had smaller ears, they’d just be fat rats. People only like them for their enormous ears.

#3 – Chocolate. Mmm mmm, gotta love me some chocolate, girlfriend.

#4 – All your personal problems. Go ahead. Share them on the Internet. What could possibly go wrong? (My lawyer advises that no one should do this as a lot could go wrong).

#5 – Farts. Do you know everyone farts? The Queen of England farts. Beauty queens fart. Debutantes fart. Santa Claus farts. No one in the history of the world had not ever farted at least once. Forgive me for the sacrilege, but even Jesus farted. I can only assume that he turned his farts into bread to feed poor lepers.

#6 – Golf. Whack a ball. Walk. Whack it again.

#7 – The fact that old people have sex. How old do you think the oldest people to have sex were? Do you think a hundred year old ever had sex? Do you think two, one hundred year olds are bumping genitals as we speak? Come on. It’s a big world and history is long. Two one hundred year olds must have gotten together and pounded one out at least one time between caveman times and today. It’s not only possible it’s virtually impossible that it hasn’t happened at least once.

#8 – Dogs. Messier than cats. Nicer than cats.

#9 – Your kids. Only don’t be dishonest. Be honest and tell us they are ugly and they will never go anywhere. (My lawyer says don’t listen to me and don’t talk about your kids on the Internet, even if it is to be honest and tell everyone how smart they are unlike all those parents who put 10,000 photos and stories on Facebook every time one of their spawns burp).

#10 – Art. Who is your favorite painter? Do you think Jackson Pollack laughed his way to the bank every time some dummy bought one of his canvases that he just flicked his paint brush all over?

#11 – Cows. Moo.

#12 – Ducks. Quack quack.

#14 – What’s your favorite sandwich?

#15 – Favorite pizza topping?

#16 – Favorite movie

#17 – Favorite taco filling?

#18 – Favorite comic book?

#19 – Have you ever farted so loud that it scared you?

#20 – Karate. Do you know it? If you don’t, why not? Do you think someone is going to karate chop muggers for you?

#21 – Root beer tastes better than real beer. Discuss.

#22 – What is an alternative version of you doing in an alternate universe right now?

#23 – Your favorite type of pie.

#24 – Favorite song.

#25 – Why are zombies so stupid?

#26 – Do chimpanzees really like bananas or is that a vicious chimp stereotype?

#27 – Favorite car.

#28 – Worst movie you have ever seen.

#29 – Worst pickup line you ever heard.

#30 – Worst pickup line used on you.

#31 – A pickup line that worked on you.

#32 – Do aliens exist? (Spoiler alert: Yes!)

#33 – Do you ever wonder what the world will be like in three hundred years?

#34 – The Three Stooges: Complete idiots or misunderstood geniuses. Discuss.

#35 – Does decaf coffee even make sense?

#36 – Why don’t people walk backwards?

#37 – Do you think the inside of a kangaroo’s pouch looks like a swanky Manhattan bachelor pad?

#38 – Why haven’t fish figured out not to bite hooked worms after thousands of years of human fishing history? Why are fish such dumbasses?

#39 – Did French people call French Fries just plain old fries?

#40 – Favorite TV show

#41 – Worst TV Show

#42 – Favorite cookie

#43 – Favorite cake

#44 – Favorite number

#45 – Favorite letter

#46 – What would people say about you if they knew for sure that you’d never hear that they said it?

#47 – Favorite fruit

#48 – Favorite vegetable

#49 – Biting all the chocolates in a box of chocolates until you find the one you want. Acceptable or not?

#50 – What business would you start if a rich benefactor was willing to give you the startup money?

#51 – Does your butt hurt right now? Why or why not?

#52 – Mudslide. Scary weather condition or excellent drink? Discuss.

#53 – Is every boxing movie just trying to copy Rocky?

#54 – Puffer fish: hilarious or not?

#55 – Why is poop brown even when you didn’t eat anything brown?

#56 – Why don’t people wear capes anymore?

#57 – Why don’t people wear fedoras anymore?

#58 – Why don’t people wear spats anymore?

#59 – Why don’t people wear smoking jackets anymore?

#60 – Your favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

#61 – Favorite crayon

#62 – Favorite dinner recipe

#63 – How long can you hop on one leg without putting your other foot down?

#64 – What’s the most hilarious thing that you are seriously worried about?

#65 – Bugs. Smush ’em and not blink an eye or try to coax them out the front door so they can live to “Bzz” another day?

#66 – Favorite ice cream flavor

#67 – Favorite place to take a date

#68 – Favorite superhero

#69 – Favorite Bond film

#70 – Favorite Bond villain

#71 – If everyone in the world farted at the exact same time, would the world explode?

#72 – Hobos: hilarious or tragic?

#73 – If you could go on a space voyage to a distant planet but it would take so long that you’d never be able to return to Earth in your lifetime, would you go on it?

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Bookshelf Battle

The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.

Tag Archives: writing

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