Bookshelf Battle

NOTE:  Ummm…yeah.  So this is where it starts to get pretty awful and I started to have second thoughts.

“Kaboodle” starts talking on his own for the first time.  You’ll notice in previous chapters, he never spoke unless Kit was there.

Kaboodle does move around on his own here.  But I’d chaulk that up to maybe he’s a possessed doll and really can move on his own or maybe Kit’s so crazy he’s just imagining the whole thing.

I don’t like the whole violence against women thing…and that he’s the main character but he’s doing horrible things.

I haven’t written what happens next but in my mind:

• Lindsey, we find out is an aspiring actress.  She asks Kit if he’d talk to Luther about taking her on as a client.  Kit snaps, thinking Lindsey was just using him and well…does as Kaboodle suggests.

And then what’s basically in my mind for the rest of the book:

• Kaboodle helps Kit have a “come to Jesus” moment where he needs to realize he’s got to get off of all the various substances he’s on and “quit murdering cold turkey.”  He’s about to become a big star now and it’s too much too lose.
• Kit blames Kaboodle for suggesting the murder in the first place.  Kaboodle retorts that he’s just a dummy and Kit should be his own man and shouldn’t do things just because a dummy tells him to.
• Kit becomes a super mega movie star.  Kaboodle is pissed he’s left out of the film business.  Kit promises when he has enough star power that he’ll demand a Kit N Kaboodle movie be made, thus satiating Kaboodle’s anger for now.
• Ultra mega star Diana Fairbanks is very odd in her personal life and proposes a fake, arranged relationship with Kit to keep the tabloids off her back.
• Luther advises against this, telling Kit that a superstar like Diana will never let someone she’s with become more famous than she is and will sabotage Kit’s career.
• She does.
• Kit ends up a loser.
• There’s a private detective hired by Lindsey’s family who is hot Kit’s trail throughout the book, putting the pieces together that Kit murdered Lindsey and his previous girlfriends.
• There’s an ongoing plot that Kit might like to get with his old friend Molly and put his terrible secrets behind him.
• I forsee some Mr. and Mrs. Smith type showdown in which Kit and Diana engage in a massive mansion destroying duel to the finish. (Because she knows karate or whatever)
• I can’t allow Kit to have a happy ending because he’s a horrible person.  I’m not sure what the ending will be but he needs to be punished somehow.
• In the end it is revealed if Kaboodle is really alive or if he’s just a figment of Kit’s imagination.

So that’s all I’ve written.  Like I said, this chapter is where it gets dicey and makes me worried.

This might be one of those novels where I need to get several “winners” under my belt and then this could be the experimental one where it’s either considered good or a dud and people forgive me for a dud.

For the record, I don’t approve of any of the evil activities discussed below.

“WHO DOES THAT BITCH THINK SHE IS?”

Kaboodle was irate.

“Oh don’t start that shit,” Kit said.

“I didn’t start anything,” Caboodle said. “She did! Who is she, the Queen of England or something? That I’m not worthy to be in her royal majesty’s presence?!”

“She doesn’t want a third wheel while we…you know.”

“There’s a fucking zombie in that room but I have to be put away?” Caboodle squeaked. “The nerve of that bitch. I hate her!”

“Stop!”

In a spare room, Kaboodle sat on the edge of a baby grand piano while Kit fumbled through the keys on his key chain until he finally found one that unlocked his “special closet.”

“Cut her damn head off already and be done with it!”

“I said, ‘stop.’”

“You know you’re going to…”

“I’m not listening to this,” Kit said.

“You damn well better listen to this because I will not be treated like garbage, Kit!”

“No one’s treating you like garbage,” Kit replied as he unlocked the closet. It was a big walk-in. Kit retrieved a Caboodle’s trunk, laid it out on the piano bench and clacked the lid open.

“Every couple needs their privacy,” Kit explained. “It’s nothing personal. Hop in.”

On his own, Caboodle turned his head toward the trunk.

“Aw, come on, warden!” Kaboodle quipped. “Don’t throw me in the hole. I’ll be on my best behavior!”

“Get in!” Kit said.

“Sir, might I refer you to the case of Broes vs. Hoes,” Caboodle said. “In which it was distinctly ruled that bros must always come before hoes?”

“I’ll counter that argument with the legal precedent that one bro will never cock block another bro,” Kit said. “Get in the box.”
“Why’d you tell her you love her?” Caboodle asked.

“Because I do.”

“Bullshit!”

“What do you know about it?” Kit asked.

“Love is a bullshit feeling,” Caboodle said. “It’s like a heart palpitation, or a stomach pain or bad gas. People have all this physical, chemical reactions and they assign various so-called ‘emotions’ to them. Sadness. Happiness. Love. It’s all one hundred percent grade A bullshit. You’re all just a bunch of stupid meat bags who’ve tricked yourselves into thinking your thoughts and feelings actually matter.”

“OK,” Kit said. “I’m cutting you off from TV. You’ve been watching too much True Detective. Get in the trunk.”

“You’re going to throw me in there without a book?” Caboodle asked.

“Sorry,” Kit said as he walked into the closet. A moment later, he returned with a flashlight, two books, and a small, felt box.

“Gone Girl or Mockingjay?” Kit asked.

“Gone Girl I guess,” Caboodle said. “I haven’t read Catching Fire yet so I don’t want to be lost.”

Kit tossed Gillian Flynn’s signature work into the trunk along with the flashlight.

“Anything else?” Kit asked. “Suppose you want a mint on your pillow too, my lord?”

Kaboodle stretched out his hand and pointed a finger at the little felt box Kit was carrying.

“What is that?”

“What’s what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me!” Kaboodle shouted. “What is that?”

Sighing heavily, Kit rolled his eyes and opened the felt box up to reveal a gorgeous diamond engagement ring.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

“Kaboodle, please.”

“I thought we’re a team, Kit!” Caboodle said. “I thought we consult each other on everything!”
“Consider yourself consulted.”

“And my answer is a resounding, ‘NO!’”

“Duly noted and rejected,” Kit said.

Kaboodle hopped off the piano and let out an “oomph!” as he hit the ground. He stood up and walked into the closet. Kit followed.

“You know I don’t like it when you come in here.”

“Well I don’t know how else to talk any sense into your dumb ass,” Caboodle said.

The diminutive dummy rolled open the bottom drawer, climbed in and rummaged around for awhile, the tops of his feet kicking around in the air. He came out with a photograph in his hand.

Kit sat on the floor. Caboodle handed over the picture. It showed Kit as a chubby, horn rimmed spectacled teenager, far from the good looking specimen he’d become, but not unlike Caboodle’s current appearance.

“Do you have any idea how much work we did to separate you from this guy?” Caboodle asked.

“I know,” Kit said.

“I became the butt of all the jokes so you wouldn’t have to be anymore,” Caboodle said.

“I know,” Kit repeated.

“And what do I get to show for it?” Caboodle asked. “Shoved in a trunk to make some cheap slut happy.”

“Lindsey is not a slut,” Kit protested.

“THEY’RE ALL SLUTS!” Kaboodle shouted. “No woman can ever be trusted!”

Kit sat there and sulked with no response.

“Could Jenny be trusted?” Caboodle asked.

“No,” Kit said.

“Always ‘borrowing’ money from you, wasn’t she?” Caboodle asked. “Promised to pay you back but left you flat broke. Shit, you were about to hit Skid Row until Luther discovered you.”

“I know,” Kit said.

“Howsabout Irina?” Caboodle asked.

“Do we really need to rehash everything?” Kit asked.

“Apparently we do because you never learn, jerkface,” Caboodle said. “You were sure it was true love with that one until you figured out all she wanted out of you was a green card.”

“I’ve made mistakes,” Kit said. “I’m not perfect.”

“I’ll say,” Caboodle said. “And you know what else I always say.”

“Yup.”

“Say it.”

“No.”

“SAY IT!”

Kit rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath… “There’s no such thing as free pussy.”

“Louder!” the dummy said.

“There’s no such thing as free pussy,” Kit said.

“Correctamundo!” Kaboodle cried. “There is no such thing as free pussy! Every broad is working some kind of an angle and your little redheaded cumquat out there is no different.”

“She is.”

“Isn’t.”

“IS!”

“She has always been there for me and she’s never asked me for a damn thing,” Kit said.

“Give her time,” Caboodle said. “It’s only been six months. Wait a little before you pop the question. I guarantee you she’ll reveal her true colors.”

“She’s the love of my life,” Kit said.

Kaboodle grabbed his sides and doubled over with laughter.

“Oh God,” Caboodle said. “Thanks buddy. Thanks. I needed that.”

“Whatever,” Kit said as he stood up. “Get used to her because she isn’t going anywhere.”
“Whatever you say,” Caboodle said. “Just a word of advice. I know you’ve got a sentimental attachment to Mr. Slashy but if you ask me, you should just choke the bitch out.”

“Goddamn you,” Kit said as he grabbed Caboodle by the leg and dragged him out of the closet, allowing the little guy’s head to scrape across the rug.

“I mean, sure Mr. Slashy makes for a dramatic effect but he leaves way too much forensic evidence. Some CSI tech is sure to come in here with a black light one of these days and find it all!”

“STOP IT!” Kit said as he stuffed Caboodle into the trunk.

“Just wrap your hands around her neck and give her a good, clean choke. You’re a big, strong guy. She’s got a little neck. You can just snap it in half, no muss, no fuss, no big clean up job afterwards.”

Kit’s eyes grew wide as he wrapped his hands around Caboodle’s neck.

“Yeah, baby!” Kaboodle shouted. “Just like that!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Kit said. “Not another word out of you!”

The comedian slammed the lid shut, clacked down the latches and carried the trunk to the special closet. Caboodle broke out in a rousing jailhouse spiritual.

“Nobody knows…the trouble I seen! Nobody knows….my sorrow!”

“This time it’ll be different,” Kit said. “You’ll see!”

Kit walked out of the closet, slammed the door and locked it. He shoved his key ring into his pocket, composed himself, and made his way out of the spare room.

As he switched off the light, he could hear Caboodle shout, “You’ll be sorry!”