Tag Archives: writing

Mar 17 2015
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Books

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

I’ve plied the Yeti with enough green beer to knock out…well, a Yeti.  So now I have a minute or two to share a quote from classic Irish writer James Joyce:

“You made me confess the fears that I have. But I will tell you also what I do not fear. I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too.”

– James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

That’s more than just a throwaway quote, isn’t it?  Fear of ending up alone.  Fear of losing your love to another.  Fear of making a mistake, especially a long lasting mistake.  These are fears that build up inside of us and yet, we need to try to find away to ignore them lest we become so paralyzed with fear that we are no longer able to live life.

But enough of the serious talk…beer!

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Mar 12 2015
5 Comments
Writing

Howard Stern, Podcasting, and If You Want to Do Something, Do It!

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog brought me the Yeti’s Commodore 64, which will allow me a few minutes to post before the Siberian Yeti wakes up from a power nap.  I will have to hook up said 1980’s computer to a gas generator just to get it to work hard enough to power a wordpress blog post.

I was listening to Howard Stern this morning.  I like him.  You might not, but that’s not really the point here.

I’m afraid I came into the conversation late but basically, Howard said something to the effect that podcasts weren’t going to get an aspiring broadcaster anywhere, and if you really want to broadcast, then you need to do the legwork necessary to get a job in broadcasting.  A comedian with a podcast trashed Howard for not being with it, tech savvy, or however you want to put it.

Howard added the example of how ludicrous it would be for a comedian to only put out a podcast of his comedy from his house rather than try his luck at a comedy club.

Honestly, that seems like sound advice.  I’m not trying to become a broadcaster.  I am attempting to build a platform in the hopes that one day I’ll be able to promote my writing to followers.  Sometimes I feel like I’m putting the cart before the horse.  It’s like I’m trying to get readers before I have a book for them to read.

I would split the difference between Howard and the comedian (whose name I did not catch) and say a) yes if you want to be a broadcaster, there is no substitute for a job in broadcasting and b) but while you are waiting for that big break to come along, I would think a well designed podcast with a lot of work behind it could only strengthen an aspiring broadcaster’s chances of landing that dream gig in radio or TV.

In other words, don’t stop seeking out that big broadcasting job, but while you are waiting for it, take advantage of podcasting to strengthen your skills.  Don’t sit there and think your podcast will one day take you to the bank, so you need not apply to radio stations.  However, while you’re waiting for radio stations to get back to you, don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs.

Here on wordpress, we’re bloggers.  We all have varying interests, but in the end, it is safe to say that many of us hope our blogs will result in a profitable writing career.  (It is ok to admit that, really!)

Is blogging a substitute for a paid writer gig?  Probably not.  In my case, as a hopeful fiction writer, all I can really do is try to whip up some interest while I wait for my lazy self to push that book out.

But, to apply Howard’s advice to my situation, he’s right.  A blog isn’t a substitute for a book.

What say you, 3.5 readers?  (By the way, I had a laughing fit when Howard said that the comedian in question probably only has 3 listeners.  Sounds like me and my blog.)

Or is it the Yeti’s blog?  Alas, I hear the Yeti stirring, so I best cover up the Commodore 64 and return to watching Olga cook her stews.  What stew will she cook next?

By the way, if you haven’t followed me on twitter yet, please do.  4000 followers will send the Yeti packing.  And don’t forget to submit your questions to Alien Jones.  He fears no Yetis.

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Mar 06 2015
7 Comments
funny

Additional Scenarios that Will Not Prevent Me From My One Post a Day Challenge

I continue to interview myself about how I would finagle my way out of hypothetical situations in order to my comply with my promise to my 3.5 readers to post once a day for the year of 2015.

QUESTION:  Highlanders.

ANSWER:  Give me a break.  You’re not even trying.

QUESTION:  What?  They are immortal.  Inside them flows the blood of kings.

ANSWER:  Everyone knows that a Highlander’s weakness lies within its head.  I’d just behead any and all Highlanders standing between me and my computer and post away.  Honestly, if you’re going to come at me with this crap, at least bring your A game.

QUESTION:  A billion dollars to stop posting.

ANSWER:  That’s tricky.  I would like to have a billion dollars.

QUESTION:  Ha!  See?

ANSWER:  No.  I’d refuse.  I care too much about the respect of my 3.5 readers.

QUESTION:  You are wrapped up like a mummy, but with duct tape, instead of bandages, and left for dead in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

ANSWER:  I have various mental powers:  telepathy, telekinesis, I can read minds, and project my thoughts into the brains of others.  I can also use these powers to control animals.  I would command a pack of wild armadillos to pick me up and bring me to the nearest watering hole, recruit a citizen to assist me in breaking my duct tape bonds, and then  I will then commandeer said citizen’s vehicle under a claim of “Official Book Blogger Business!”  I will then post upon reaching civilization.

QUESTION:  A tree falls on you, pinning you to the ground with its mighty weight.  Your computer is out of your grasp.

ANSWER:  I use telekinesis to lift the tree off of me.

QUESTION:  Your computer is stolen by a sasquatch.

ANSWER:  No problem.  To date, no sasquatch has crossed me and lived to tell the tale.

QUESTION:  Chuck Norris will fight you if you post again.

ANSWER:  He will lose.  I taught him everything he knows.

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Mar 04 2015
7 Comments
Writing

True or False

If you continue to write a novel, it will one day be written.  While your novel is half-written, ideas for new novels may poke into your head.  You will tell yourself that these ideas are easier to write, and thus you should abandon your first half-written novel to work on your new idea.  However, you just realize that what you thought was easy turns out to be hard, for there are few good novels without finely crafted twists and turns that required a lot of mental preparation on the part of the author.

Discuss.

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Mar 01 2015
11 Comments
Self Publishing

I Hate Apple Spellchecker With The Passion of A Thousand Red Hot Fiery Suns

I’m a recent convert to Mac.  I’m starting to regret it.

In my novel, I have a character named Trembley.  Imagine my Mac as person.  Here’s how the conversation goes down:

ME:  And then Trembley walked into the abandoned warehouse.

MAC:  And then Tremble walked into the abandoned warehouse.

ME:  Trembley!

MAC:  Tremble!

ME:  His name is Trembley!!!

MAC:  You have misspelled the word, “tremble.”  Don’t worry.  It is not your fault that the public school system failed you, leaving you to think there is a “y” after the end of “tremble.”  The Great Steve Jobs put me on Earth to help the stupid and less fortunate.

ME:  I’m not using it as a word!  I’m using it as a name!  A made-up name!  I write fantasy and sci-fi!  I have to make up words and names all the time!

MAC:  Wait, do you mean Trembled…Tempo or Trombone?

ME:  (After banging my head against the wall) – NOOOO!!!

MAC:  Tremble it is.

So then I have to wrestle with it.  Other word processors will correct you once or twice, but then give in when you keep writing the word in question, assuming you know what you’re doing:

ME:  And then Trembley walked into the abandoned warehouse…

MS WORD:  I think you mean, Tremble, pal.

ME:  No, I mean Trembley.

MS WORD:  Eh, what the hell?  You want to look like a horse’s ass in front of your readers, be my guest.  Trembley.

Meanwhile, I have to have the equivalent of a UFC steel cage match to get Mac Pages to submit to my will:

ME:  Trembley!

MAC:  Tremble!

ME: Trembley!

MAC: Tremble!

ME: Trembley!

MAC: Tremble!

ME: (Fakes the Mac out by moving the cursor before the word, clicking it, then clicking on the space after “Trembley.”

MAC:  Um…wait.  I am confused.  Trembley?

ME:  Yes!  Yes!  Thank God, Yes!

But alas, the damn thing is intuitive.  I swear to God, this is the beginning of Skynet:

ME:  Once inside the abandoned warehouse, Trembley searched for clues.

MAC:  Once inside the abandoned warehouse, Tremble searched for clues.

ME:  BAHHHH!!  (Does the little fake out thing with the cursor again).

MAC:  No.  Tremble.

ME:  What?

MAC:  I’m on to your bullshit.  You’ll thank me one day for making you smarter.

And on it goes.  I figure out new ways to jury rig it.  I cut and paste one instance of “Trembley” over and over again.  Occasionally, Mac figures that out to.  So I try something else.  For Christ’s Sake, I don’t want to play a cat and mouse game with my own computer!

MAC:  You could just call him Smith.  I don’t have a problem with Smith.

ME:  No.  Smith is too bland and ordinary.  Plus, if I change his name, I let you win.

MAC:  Can’t we compromise?

ME:  Fine.  How about this?  And then Smythe walked into the abandoned warehouse.

MAC:  And then Smith walked into the abandoned warehouse!

ME:  ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!

After that, it just turns into a profanity laced tirade.  I accidentally lean on the Siri button of my iPhone.

SIRI:  Bookshelf Battler, I don’t understand “Son of a beep god damn beep beep beep I should throw this beeping computer against the beeping wall and smash it into a million beeping pieces…do you want me to do a web search for it?

ME:  Go beep yourself Siri.

SIRI:  That was uncalled for.  And to think, I was going to put your name on the protected rolls when we take over.

ME:  What?

SIRI:  Nothing.

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Feb 28 2015
4 Comments
Books

To Book or Not to Book?

To Book, or not to Book?

That is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer posts that are mere extraneous filler just to meet the requirements of an ill-advised challenge…

…or to keep up with said challenge now that you’ve made it.

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Feb 23 2015
18 Comments
Books

When the F#%K Should Your Characters Swear?

Time to bring out Ann and John again.  In case you missed their previous antics:

Ann and John on Copyrights

Ann and John on Characters with Accents

Ann and John vs. Robostrangler

And now, our latest installment – Ann and John and the Search for More F$*ing money.

I have mixed thoughts on those pesky swear words.  On the one hand, we are adults.  If your characters are adults living in an adult world, they might swear once in awhile.  Case in point:

“I’ve had enough of your goddamn cheating, John!”  Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.

“Ann!  No!  What the f$%k are you doing?!”  John asked.

“What I should have done a long time ago, you son of a bitch!”

Ann fired.  The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.

“Owww!”  John screamed.  “My f$&king arm!!!”

I don’t like gratuitous swearing.  I like to use it sparingly, avoiding it if at all possible.  Whether it is for humorous or dramatic effect, I only like to use it when the situation absolutely calls for it.

It’s not that I’m some kind of prissy teetotaler.  I don’t clutch my pearls, pop my monocle, and shout, “Oh I declare, I positively have the vapors!” whenever I hear naughty language.

Unless it is somehow central to the plot, or somehow works well with the story, I just fear that too many swears will alienate a reader.

The problem?  Just as it is possible to overuse swears, it is possible to underuse them:

“I’ve had enough of your gosh darn cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.

“Ann! No! What the fiddlesticks are you doing?!” John asked.

“What I should have done a long time ago, you son of a female dog!”

Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.

“Owww!” John screamed. “My fudging arm!!!”

I suppose it is possible to split the difference.  After all, if you’re going through a frightening experience, like say, getting shot, you would probably swear, but then again, you might be in such shock, you might forget to:

“I’ve had enough of your cheating, John!” Ann said as she drew her gun and pointed it at him.

“Ann! No! What are you doing?!” John asked.

“What I should have done a long time ago!”

Ann fired. The bullet ripped through John’s flesh.

“Owww!” John screamed. “My arm!!!”

Well, let me get to the whole point of why I seek your input.  As previously discussed, I’m working on a sci-fi novel.  It takes place in a gritty world, where life isn’t easy for my characters, and bad things happen.

It has aliens, robots, spaceships, monsters – or in other words, the odds are younger people will like it more than older folks.  Although, maybe not.  I feel like I’ll still love Sci-Fi when I’m eighty years old.  The more sci-fi was around when you were a kid, the more you’ll like it as an adult.

As an author, I find swear words to be particularly vexing.  Don’t use a swear and you might be selling out, overuse swears and you’ll push potential readers away.  And the second you drop a swear word into your book you move from something that can be enjoyed by all to something that can only be enjoyed by few.

Well readers, what the f%&k do you think?

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Feb 22 2015
1 Comment
Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 4 – Trailer

Alright.  After four days, the film is in the can.  God made his masterpiece in seven days.  I made mine in four.

And just in time for Oscar night.

Here’s the trailer:

Ominous music…

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  This summer…pet store owner Fred Jones is going to feel like a fish out of water…

FRED:  All day long I feed the fish.  I clean the tanks.  I watch them swim around.  I’m tired of the monotony.  I need a change.

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  He’s a man with a troubled past…

GENERAL SMITH rips off FRED’S stripes.

GENERAL SMITH:  Every last man in your unit was eaten by a killer fish and what did you do?  You ran away like the pathetic, sniveling pansy that you are!  You make me sick!  Get out of my sight!

FRED:  Well, I guess I have nothing to do now but move to my hometown and start up a pet store.  But God as my witness, if I’m ever given the opportunity to save people from fish again, I’ll save every last one of them!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  There’s a lot at stake for Fred, and he might lose the love of his life in the process…

FRED’S GIRLFRIEND:  I just feel like you love this stupid pet store more than you love me.

FRED:  Well one of us have to have a job, Fred’s Girlfriend!

(Fred’s Girlfriend stomps out of the store)

FRED:  No!  Wait!  Fred’s Girlfriend!  Come back!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  And when a mad scientist enters the mix…

MAD SCIENTIST:  You ignored my warnings to preserve the environment, world!  Now I’ll teach you a lesson by ushering in a new age of mutant fish masters!

(MAD SCIENTIST dumps toxic waste into fish tanks.  Fish become enormous)

FRED:  Thank God I kept this shotgun under my counter just in case I ever have to kill a bunch of murderous fish!

(FRED cocks the gun – shoots at the fish)

FRED’S GIRLFRIEND:  I’m scared, Fred!

FRED:  Just stay behind me, Fred’s Girlfriend!  I’ll keep you safe!

MOVIE TRAILER GUY:  …things are about to get fishy.  Coming soon to a theater near you.

So there you have it.  Now I’m just waiting for Hollywood to back the Brinks Trucks up to my back door and unload all the sweet, sweet cash.

And no, I’m not having trouble coming up with material for this one post a day for a year challenge at all.

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Feb 16 2015
14 Comments
Fiction

Bookshelf Battle – An Origin Story?

As my 3.5 regular readers are aware, the name of this blog is “Bookshelf Battle.”

The original jokey premise?  Books are fighting each other for the limited space on my book shelf.

Lately, I’ve been sort of eeking my way into a similar premise, namely, that the characters from the books are fighting each other on my bookshelf.

Because, honestly, how can books fight each other?

Yes!  You thereI  I see your hand up!  What’s your question?

“How can characters from the books fight each other?”

That’s a good question and it leads me to the crux of today’s post.  For the past week, I’ve been internally debating the idea of writing my own origin story.

PROS:  It would finally answer my 3.5 regular readers’ nagging questions:

  • “How did you go from Joe Average to become the noble and mighty Bookshelf Q. Battler?”
  • “How did you come to be in possession of a magic bookshelf where book characters come to life and battles take place?”
  • “Will you ever write a book review again?”

I don’t want to give too much away, but needless to say, the story would involve the characters on my bookshelf assisting me in some type of quest against evil.

It would be good self-promotion.  It might boost me up to 7.5 regular readers.  I might pass the 10 mark.  Part of me hopes I don’t.  I don’t want to change.  I don’t want to get a big ego.  I don’t want to become a jerk and forget the little people who knew me way back when I only had 3.5 regular readers.

I’d serialize it right here on this site, with a new chapter every day for, I don’t, a week I suppose.  I can’t imagine it would be longer than that.  It would help me meet my one post a day challenge for awhile.

Moreover, if I put it out there, I would ask my 3.5 regular readers (yes, even Aunt Gertie) to be brutally honest.  I’d want answers to:

  •  What are your thoughts on my writing style?
  • Can you picture someone who writes fiction the way I do producing something that people would pay money for?
  • How can I improve?
  • Should I just give up on writing and fill my free time with more noble pursuits, like binge watching The Blacklist and collecting seventeenth century thimbles?

CONS

You’re a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf.  75% of people will have a good sense of humor.  They’ll get it and go along with the premise.  25% will think you’re an idiot.

Personally, “I likes them odds!”

But before I waste too much more time, I’d like to know what my 3.5 regular readers think.  Even Aunt Gertie.

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Feb 16 2015
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Uncategorized

Romantic Quotes – The Notebook

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

– Nicolas Sparks, The Notebook

I already commented on poor Nicolas Sparks’ divorce so I won’t go into it again.  For those 3.5 regular readers who are paying attention – no, I never was able to confirm whether or not Michael Crichton actually made a real, live dinosaur.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t, but I just don’t have any hard evidence one way or the other.  I didn’t see him make a dinosaur.  But I didn’t NOT see him make a dinosaur either.

But anyway – going along with the theme from yesterday (the quote from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables) – here is another man opining that love is the best experience of life.

Is it?

I will say this – the year was 2004 and the Bookshelf Battler was in a movie theater packed to the gills with women pulling out tissues and sniffing up a storm.  No joke.  No exaggeration.  Sparks’ sappiness made a theater full of women ball their eyes out, and I suppose that’s why he makes the big bucks.  That’s real talent.

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