Top Ten Places to Ride Out a Zombie Apocalypse

 

shutterstock_99981176.jpg

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  As a noted zombiologist/survivor of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, I’ve learned a thing or two about the undead.

To help you, the general public (or at least 3.5 of you), here is a list of places I’d advise you to get your butts to in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Tell me if I’m right or wrong and also if there are places I forgot about that you feel would offer decent sanctuary from the zombie hordes.

10.  Supermarket or Combination Supermarket/All-Purpose Store i.e. Wal-Mart-esque Type Stores

Lots of food.  Lots of tools and equipment.  Eat the perishables first.  Packaged and canned food will last a lot longer.

My group and I were pretty cozy in the East Randomtown Price Town.  Alas, we had to leave to save my pain in the butt ex-girlfriend, Blandie, but hey, as a stand-up guy, sometimes you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

9.  Hospital

Medical equipment, which unless you are a doctor or nurse, you won’t know how to use any of it.  But, there will be medical supplies that you could at least attempt to you.  If you have to fumble your way through helping a survivor using what little medical knowledge you have, you’ll obviously do better with supplies than without them.

Plus, let’s hope some doctors and/or nurses stayed in the hospital and they can help you and your buddies when you are injured in anti-zombie combat.

Of course, there’s no curing a zombie bite.  That’s just science. As the evil Dr. Hugo tells us, you can’t argue with science.

I’m still not talking to that evil mad scientist douche.

8.  Beach

Put the ocean or a large lake at your back and you only have to worry about zombies attacking your front.

Unless the zombies learn how to swim…muah ha ha….

7.  Playboy Mansion

If we’re all doomed anyway, might as well go out in style whilst oggling scantily clad supermodels.

Plus, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse with chances of being eaten are high, those babes might loosen their standards.

Suddenly nerds like us start to look pretty good.

3.5 lady readers, we’ll invite some hunky dudes for you…but they have to stay on the other end of the mansion.  We can’t let the supermodel babes think they have options.

By the way, did you know the Playboy Mansion is for sale?

I feel like my 3.5 readers have been in remiss for not starting a Kickstarter to raise the funds I need to make the Playboy Mansion my new BQB HQ.

Although if the bunnies aren’t included then all you get is a giant house filled with Hef’s old man stink.  Thanks but no thanks.

6.  Convenience Store

Same reason as why I would want to stay in a big store but there is an argument that the convenience store, being smaller, makes it less likely a zombie could sneak up on you.  If you can see it all by just looking around and you keep your back against one of the walls, that should help you in a zombie attack.

Then again, they usually have glass windows and are easily viewed from the street so you might end up being a sitting duck for a hungry zombie.

5.  The Morgue and/or Funeral Parlor

Hear me out on this one.

If there are already a few dead bodies lying around, just hang out near them and the zombies will sniff the long dead flesh, decide there’s nothing else in there but more dumb zombies, and shuffle on.

Then again they are zombies and they like to eat flesh…would they care that it is dead?

I don’t think I want to find out.

4.  Gun Store

For obvious reasons.  The Founding Fathers have bestowed upon us a constitutional right to pull off as many sweet zombie head shots as possible.

3.  Boat

Look, don’t let that family on Fear the Walking Dead fool you.  Those people are some dumb dummies.

Maintain radio silence or if you have to communicate, do so without sharing details of where you are.  Duh.

Get out to sea.  Keep moving.  Keep an eye on that radar for visitors.  Catch some fish.

2.  Train

Like Snowpiercer, but the train just keeps looping around a big track at a fast pace so damn zombies can’t catch it.

Holy shit.  That is a badass novel idea.  Now I need to drop what I am doing and write Zombie Piercer.

  1.  Your Own Home

Screw those zombies.  This is America.  Aint no undead bastard gonna run me off my own property.

Just be sure to board the place up, reinforce the doors, stockpile food, equipment, supplies, ammo and what the heck, you’ll be comfier in your own crib anway.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

7 thoughts on “Top Ten Places to Ride Out a Zombie Apocalypse

  1. I just typed a huge response to this regarding each and every spot you mentioned, and then my internet connection reset. Stupid college wifi. To summarize what I had typed, I feel like every option has it’s benefits. However, some of these would only be realistic if you were the only survivor of the zombie outbreak, and all of these places were completely empty upon your arrival. If you are not the only survivor, then obviously there is always going to be someone or some people who want to survive just as much as you do. And they will be going to those grocery stores, hospitals, gas stations, etc., Everything other problem I had was just with the lack of supplies you’d have available to you. For example the boat and beach options are unrealistic in the case of ocean water. Where are you suppose to get your water source? If it were me, I’d probably just stay mobile here in Texas, as there are a handful of military bases that could possibly still be up and running, and almost every single establishment here has at least one weapon in it. It wouldn’t be hard to scavenge for supplies.

    P.S. Do you have any openings for guest posting? I love your blog, and would be absolutely ecstatic to get involved with it.

    • Well, true. I suppose in the zombie apocalypse you’d have to play nice with other people and perhaps like on the Walking Dead the group of survivors you end up with become your new family.

      Or you can be a dick and fight everyone and take all the supplies for yourself if you’re stronger than everyone – also like so many Walking Dead villains.

      You know one thing I have always wondered – people always say don’t drink ocean water because it is salty and will make you thirsty but so what? Don’t you just have an unlimited supply of ocean water to drink from if you get thirsty?

      Has anyone ever croaked from OD’ing on ocean water?

      I don’t know. Something must be up with it since people always say it but I’d like to know the science behind it.

      Or maybe you can equip your boat with a water purifier that will clean the ocean water for you.

      Thank you for loving my blog sir. I only have 3.5 readers now but I am on a quest to have 300.5 readers by 2020.

      By 2070 I hope to be profitable…for one entire day…and then I’ll croak the next day.

      It’s all about long range plans.

      I don’t have any guest posts at the moment. Occasionally I’ll interview people.

      Usually when someone wants to get involved I tell them to Ask Alien Jones a question and he’ll eventually respond.

      He’s been a tad busy with intergalactic doings this year but he’ll get to you at some point..

      I’ve been trying to make the blog more about the novel so I can eventually put that out but at times I get stuck and turn to other posts.

  2. Um, yes people die from drinking the ocean. The salt dehydrates your body. I wouldn’t stay home, my house has massive glass walls. Lol. Almost impossible to defend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: