Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here. As a noted zombiologist/survivor of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, I’ve learned a thing or two about the undead.
To help you, the general public (or at least 3.5 of you), here is a list of places I’d advise you to get your butts to in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Tell me if I’m right or wrong and also if there are places I forgot about that you feel would offer decent sanctuary from the zombie hordes.
10. Supermarket or Combination Supermarket/All-Purpose Store i.e. Wal-Mart-esque Type Stores
Lots of food. Lots of tools and equipment. Eat the perishables first. Packaged and canned food will last a lot longer.
My group and I were pretty cozy in the East Randomtown Price Town. Alas, we had to leave to save my pain in the butt ex-girlfriend, Blandie, but hey, as a stand-up guy, sometimes you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.
Medical equipment, which unless you are a doctor or nurse, you won’t know how to use any of it. But, there will be medical supplies that you could at least attempt to you. If you have to fumble your way through helping a survivor using what little medical knowledge you have, you’ll obviously do better with supplies than without them.
Plus, let’s hope some doctors and/or nurses stayed in the hospital and they can help you and your buddies when you are injured in anti-zombie combat.
Of course, there’s no curing a zombie bite. That’s just science. As the evil Dr. Hugo tells us, you can’t argue with science.
I’m still not talking to that evil mad scientist douche.
Put the ocean or a large lake at your back and you only have to worry about zombies attacking your front.
Unless the zombies learn how to swim…muah ha ha….
7. Playboy Mansion
If we’re all doomed anyway, might as well go out in style whilst oggling scantily clad supermodels.
Plus, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse with chances of being eaten are high, those babes might loosen their standards.
Suddenly nerds like us start to look pretty good.
3.5 lady readers, we’ll invite some hunky dudes for you…but they have to stay on the other end of the mansion. We can’t let the supermodel babes think they have options.
By the way, did you know the Playboy Mansion is for sale?
I feel like my 3.5 readers have been in remiss for not starting a Kickstarter to raise the funds I need to make the Playboy Mansion my new BQB HQ.
Although if the bunnies aren’t included then all you get is a giant house filled with Hef’s old man stink. Thanks but no thanks.
6. Convenience Store
Same reason as why I would want to stay in a big store but there is an argument that the convenience store, being smaller, makes it less likely a zombie could sneak up on you. If you can see it all by just looking around and you keep your back against one of the walls, that should help you in a zombie attack.
Then again, they usually have glass windows and are easily viewed from the street so you might end up being a sitting duck for a hungry zombie.
5. The Morgue and/or Funeral Parlor
Hear me out on this one.
If there are already a few dead bodies lying around, just hang out near them and the zombies will sniff the long dead flesh, decide there’s nothing else in there but more dumb zombies, and shuffle on.
Then again they are zombies and they like to eat flesh…would they care that it is dead?
I don’t think I want to find out.
4. Gun Store
For obvious reasons. The Founding Fathers have bestowed upon us a constitutional right to pull off as many sweet zombie head shots as possible.
Look, don’t let that family on Fear the Walking Dead fool you. Those people are some dumb dummies.
Maintain radio silence or if you have to communicate, do so without sharing details of where you are. Duh.
Get out to sea. Keep moving. Keep an eye on that radar for visitors. Catch some fish.
Like Snowpiercer, but the train just keeps looping around a big track at a fast pace so damn zombies can’t catch it.
Holy shit. That is a badass novel idea. Now I need to drop what I am doing and write Zombie Piercer.
- Your Own Home
Screw those zombies. This is America. Aint no undead bastard gonna run me off my own property.
Just be sure to board the place up, reinforce the doors, stockpile food, equipment, supplies, ammo and what the heck, you’ll be comfier in your own crib anway.