Bookshelf Battle

It took the entertainment industry 32 years to get Luke Skywalker back on the big screen.  Paul Blart was back in 6.

Hollywood, we need to have a talk about your priorities.

Paul Blart:  Mall Cop 2 – S

I’m…I’m sorry everyone.

Let’s just put it all out there.  I’m sorry I lost 2 hours of my precious life on this movie.  You’re sorry you lost 5 minutes of yours reading this review.  We’re all sorry.  Let’s just try to get through this, ok?

For those who’ve never wasted their lives, Paul Blart is a mall cop played by Kevin James.  He takes his job seriously, maybe a bit too seriously.  That isn’t easy, as few, if any, have respect for the noble mall cop.

In the first film, Blart saved his mall from a group of highly trained criminals who took control of a shopping center in order to rob…um…the local branch bank.  Ummm….really?  For more criminal masterminds, wouldn’t robbing a mall branch bank be akin to knocking over a 7-11?  I mean, the idea that highly sophisticated ne’er-do-wells would put so much time and effort into…

Nope.  Nope.  Not going to question it.  Just going to sit back and watch.

This time Blart attends the security officer convention in Las Vegas, only to have his daughter kidnapped by art thieves who are really there mainly just as an excuse for Blart to crack the case with his patented “I’m incompetent but somehow I get things done anyway” style.

Here’s the hard part when it comes to busting on Paul Blart – the movie constantly busts on itself.  The folks behind the screen are fully aware they aren’t bringing you high-brow humor.

And it’s not like they tricked you into thinking you’re coming to see something sophisticated.  They didn’t package it as “Shakespeare’s Greatest Hits” to get you in the theater (would that have gotten you in the theater?) and then pull the rug from underneath you and show you Paul Blart.

It’s goofy.  It’s silly.  It isn’t raunchy, life a minute fun like the original Hangover.  When we’re talking about movies you can take the whole family to, Paul Blart is about as funny as it gets.

It has its moments.  Blart gets attacked by various animals.  Blart crosses between two casino rooftops on a zip line.

An attractive female hotel manager provides Blart with some assistance.  The dimwitted Blart mistakes this as a pass, and “shuts her down” with a longwinded speech about how he’s off the market.  She wasn’t buying in the first place, but as the movie progresses, the more he rejects her, the crazier about him she becomes until she’s madly in love with him.

I’m just going to throw it out there – I might try that trick myself.  Attention women of the world, I reject you.

It’s not the worst movie in the world.  It might be worth a rental.  I don’t think you need to rush out to see it at the theater.

Yeah.  I took that bullet for you.  I even wore a disguise so no one would recognize me coming out of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.  You’re welcome.

Status:  Unshelf worthy.  You might watch it once if you’ve got nothing better to do, but as the years go on, you won’t be feeling any sudden urges to return to the world of Blart.